7 Things He'll Never Tell You

A 35-YEAR-OLD MAN sat in my counseling office. He looked deeply troubled.

“I can’t help myself,” he admitted. “I love to watch women walk down the street. The other day a hot brunette walked by. She turned me on . . .” He ducked his head. “You know what I mean, Doc. And I’m not even trying to look . . . really! I love my wife. What’s wrong with me?”

You know what? There’s absolutely nothing wrong with that guy!

Before you, as a wife, start to bristle, hear me out. What I’m going to reveal in this chapter is one of the most important things you need to know about your guy.

Do you know how many of the finest body parts that God ever created your husband has looked at today? If he drives an hour to work, he is bombarded with billboards selling everything from dog food to oil filters to cars. But they all share something in common—a smiling, sexy woman. Every place your husband goes, he is pounded with these images. He can’t get his hair cut without being inundated by “come hither” women in the magazines. Madison Avenue uses flesh to sell just about anything.

And this creates a battle within your guy. A daily battle against adultery.

Like the time my buddy Moonhead and I went to the Buffalo Bills game, and a young woman in the aisle bent over. Her tail was eight inches from my face. I nudged Moonhead. “Hey, Moon, I just committed adultery.” She stayed leaned over. And I tell Moonhead, “I just committed adultery again.” We both looked at each other and laughed.

“Now just a minute, Dr. Leman!” you might be saying. “How could you be so callous about adultery? You’re married, and you’re looking at another woman’s bottom? If I was your wife . . .”

Here’s the point. Moonhead and I laughed because we both know it’s a battle that we men face every day. Admitting it out loud helps us put it into perspective.

There’s a big difference between men and women in how they are sexually wired. Let’s say you and a girlfriend are shopping at the mall, and a handsome guy walks by. You and your girlfriend may exchange a grin and wiggle your eyebrows in appreciation, but that encounter is over. There has been no touch, no relationship—nothing personal to involve your emotions and life further. Most likely, you never think about that guy again. (Note that affairs occur with women when a man shows kindness, understanding for her needs, and touches her heart first. All these actions are usually in place before any sex occurs.)

But men, remember, are not relationally centered. They identify more with things. They are visually stimulated by looking. That means whatever your guy sees is imprinted on his mind. So if he sees a sexy woman in a red dress on the subway, he may see that same woman in his thoughts again later that night, a week later, even a month later.

And here’s the kicker. He will be pounded with that image even if he is happily married.

DO THAT TO ME ONE MORE TIME. . . .

Men, on the average, have 33 sexual thoughts a day. When I told Sande that, she said, “That’s sick.”

You may be saying the same thing and thinking, I only think about sex when he brings it up.

Both men and women are designed for sex. Let me stop here, however, to clarify a very important point. I believe wholeheartedly that

1. sex belongs in marriage.

2. sex belongs only in marriage—with one man and one woman committed for a lifetime.

That’s the way God designed sex, and with good reason. The only “safe sex”—both emotionally and physically—is within the bounds of marriage. “Designer sex” is sex as the Creator intended it.

You may think I’m a relic of the bygone Victorian area, but I believe marriage is the only context in which a sexual relationship should take place. It is God’s plan for one man and one woman to pledge their lives to each other, to encourage one another, to support one another, and to be totally loyal to each other in all areas of life, including sexuality, for as long as they live.

GOD CREATED SEX TO BE A POWERFUL EXPERIENCE THAT TRIGGERS EXTREMELY STRONG EMOTIONS.

God created sex to be a powerful experience that triggers extremely strong emotions. It was never meant to be an impersonal act. Like it or not, you become emotionally bonded to your sex partner. To those of you who have had sexual partners prior to your marriage, that explains why you have “flashbacks” of your previous sexual experiences and why you sometimes find it difficult to respond sexually to your husband.

Promiscuous sex is dangerous—physically, mentally, and emotionally. The research couldn’t be clearer. A national study of over 1,800 married couples indicated that “the probability of getting a divorce was twice as high for couples who had cohabited prior to marriage compared to couples who had not. In addition, cohabitation prior to marriage related to lower levels of subsequent marital interaction and higher levels of marital disagreement and instability.”¹ That’s why sex should be shared only with someone you love deeply, and if you love that person deeply enough to have sex with him or her, then you should love that person deeply enough to commit your life to him or her through marriage.

I love the little verse tucked away in the next-to-the-last book of the Bible. “Stay always within the boundaries where God’s love can reach and bless you.”² Sexual faithfulness is not just about keeping your hands out of some delightful cookie jar. It’s about staying within the boundaries God has created for very good reasons. It’s about enjoying a full and honest relationship in which God can bless you. And he can only bless you if the sexual act occurs within marriage.

WOMEN NEED A REASON FOR SEX. MEN ONLY NEED A PLACE.

It’s been said that women need a reason for sex. Men only need a place. Men really need sex and are designed to need sex, to think about it, and to pursue it. A physically healthy married man cannot be fulfilled without it. Just think about this for a moment, ladies: If it were left solely up to you to pursue procreating the human race, there would be a lot fewer babies in the world!

Men are wired by God to enjoy the feminine form. It’s normal for a man who loves his wife to walk by another beautiful woman in a red dress and think, Wow, she’s gorgeous. Or for him to turn his head in a restaurant to follow a young woman in a red miniskirt.

The wife who thinks, How could you? That’s so dirty! is missing the point.

The wife who thinks, Hey, so he notices women in red? Mmm, what do I have in my wardrobe? has grasped the point. Later, she will undoubtedly grab her husband’s full attention by wearing that red little something she’s got tucked in the back of her closet.

Statistics bear out what I’m going to say. What’s going on in your sex life is a very good indicator of how the rest of your marriage is going. That’s why I wrote a whole book entitled Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage on this subject. It’s well worth some nighttime reading, both for you and your spouse.

But let me state it for the record: Your husband can’t get enough of you. Remember the old Captain and Tennille song, “Do that to me one more time. Once is never enough with a man like you.” That’s what your husband longs to hear you say. It’s the language of his dreams, because it puts his needs first.

WHAT SEX DOES FOR A MAN

Sex is energizing for a man. It builds his confidence and boosts his overall sense of well-being. If he’s in an unfulfilling job, he gets the strength to keep on doing what he’s doing because he knows that there is a purpose for his work . . . and a willing wife waiting as a reward at the end of his long day.

Sex is the great equalizer in a man’s life. If he meets with the accountant and is short on funds for his income tax or he got a bad job review, coming home to a willing wife makes it all better. It’s amazing what things great sex can cure for men—everything from viruses, bacterial infections, impetigo, chicken pox, the flu, and, most importantly, any problem in marriage. For example, if he has a fight with his wife and later that day they have sex, all of his issues are gone. They’ve resolved themselves. The problem is that for the other half of the relationship—the female—the issues aren’t resolved until they’re talked about!

But turn your guy’s sexual overtures down, and you’ll be the recipient of some payback.

Let’s say that you see your husband lounging on the couch when you have a million things to do. “Honey, can you take my mother grocery shopping?”

He barely looks up. “No, I can’t.”

“Why not? You’re just watching the game.”

“I’m busy.”

“You don’t look busy.”

“I don’t care what I look like. I’m busy. If your mom needs to go shopping, why don’t you take her?”

What’s going on here?

It’s a delayed reaction. Admittedly, it’s a cheap shot, but it happens all the time. The husband thinks to himself, She turned me down yesterday for sex, so I’ll turn her down now.

Think of it this way. In a democratic society, if you have the right to put me down, what right do I have? Isn’t it the right to put you down too?

HE SAYS: “ARE THE KIDS GOING TO BE HOME TONIGHT?”

He means: I want to romp and stomp and roll in the hay with you with no interruptions.

Admittedly we men do act like little boys sometimes. I’m not saying that’s good or admirable, but that’s the way we are. You’re married to a real man. On the flip side, we are married to a real woman. And your man craves sex.

One of the most loving and holy things you can do in marriage is to pursue your husband sexually. If you do, you’re helping him do part of his work. You see, men get a great deal of satisfaction from taking care of their families. And one of the items on your husband’s job description is to be your lover.

Want a guy who comes around, stays around, and is your soul partner? A husband who goes to sleep with a smile on his face, thinking, I’ve got to be the happiest guy in the world! ?

Then learn to be an extravagant lover. It will set your marriage and his satisfaction in cement.

QUIZ

What do researchers tell us about when men prefer to have sex?

A. Any day, any time

B. At the beginning of the day

C. At the end of the day

D. All day

For answers, see #5 THING HE’LL NEVER TELL YOU.

What do researchers tell us about when women prefer to have sex?

A. Any day, any time

B. Early morning, before hair and makeup are done or could be messed up

C. After a romantic dinner

D. After the kids are tucked in bed

E. When the kids aren’t home

For answers, see #5 THING HE’LL NEVER TELL YOU.

DO YOU LOVE YOUR BODY?

When I mentioned earlier in this chapter that you could don a little red number of your own to seduce your husband, I’ll bet anything that you might have thought, Yeah, right. I certainly don’t have the figure of the woman in that red dress who walked by and turned his head.

Guess what, ladies? Your husband wants you to take care of yourself, but those few extra pounds on the hips and thighs and having small breasts don’t matter to your man. What he wants is a willing woman in bed. Being a willing wife will take pounds off your figure (or add them in the right places!) and make you look even more attractive to your husband.

BEING A WILLING WIFE WILL TAKE POUNDS OFF YOUR FIGURE (OR ADD THEM IN THE RIGHT PLACES!) AND MAKE YOU LOOK EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE TO YOUR HUSBAND.

Just looking at you is an incredible turn-on for your man. In his eyes, you measure up—and you measure up quite nicely. So don’t rob your husband of the pleasure of looking at you!

If it bothers you to look “too naked” (although there’s humor in that phrase itself. Either you’re naked or you’re not!), why not dim the lights if that will help you? But don’t dim them so much that he can’t enjoy seeing your form.

Why is it so difficult for a woman to reveal her body, and especially in front of the man she loves most?

A woman’s positive body image doesn’t come easily—at least not to most of the women I’ve talked to. According to a Psychology Today survey, more than half of all American women dislike their overall appearance.³ From my practice, I suspect it’s way over half. Even women who know it’s “politically correct” to accept their body type, still, in private, have a tendency to look in the mirror and wince.

Would you let someone else criticize you the way you criticize

yourself?

—Thomas Cash, The Body Image Workbook

Why is this? Everywhere you go, you see women who don’t resemble you. You watch a sitcom and the moms on that show invariably wear tight sweaters with a touch of cleavage showing. You look down at your own size 30AA breasts and then at your expanding thighs and think, Why can’t I take five pounds from there and put it here?

Or maybe you’ve developed some love handles and are afraid putting on some sexy lingerie would make your husband laugh instead of getting turned on. Perhaps you’ve given birth to three kids and have the stretch marks and pounds to show for it. So, even though your husband says your body still turns him on, you’re reticent to “reveal all” to him.

Here’s the irony. You are assuming that your husband won’t be turned on by your body because you don’t look like the models in the magazines. But guess what? Your guy doesn’t look like the men in the magazines either! All those photos of models have been touched up anyway! That makes them not “real” people! But your guy is, and he’s waiting to love you.

All of you.

HOW YOUR DADDY AFFECTS YOUR VIEW OF SEX

For those of you who grew up in a very strict, traditional home and were taught stringently about which body parts were off limits, it’s hard to throw the switch on your wedding night. You may have been taught that sex is something best never spoken of. Your view of it may have become “Yes, sex is necessary to populate the world, but let’s pretend that it doesn’t even exist the rest of the time!”

Let me ask you: Were your parents affectionate? Did you have the kind of mom who always slapped her husband’s hands away when he tried to flirt with her? Was your dad uncommonly cold toward you and your mom? Did he use his hand only to hurt and never to caress? Most importantly, how has this style of parenting influenced your view of sex with your husband?

Or maybe you saw the pornography in your dad’s bedroom. The pictures imprinted themselves on your mind. And so did your dad’s behavior toward you, when he would abuse you sexually. The use of pornography and sexual abuse often go hand-in-hand. You’re so turned off by sex that you say, “I’m never going to do anything like that.” If you have been sexually abused, it is all but impossible for you to trust another man. Every touch feels like a violation, even though you know your husband loves you. You are paralyzed by hurt and shame. And both you and your husband end up paying for it (whether he knows about it or not).

Ironically, the reason an abused woman runs to marriage is to avoid sex. If her husband is a nice guy, she knows he won’t use and abuse her, so she figures that once she’s married, she can kiss sex good-bye and never have to worry about it again.

If this is you, and you have abuse in your past, I recommend that you read Dr. Dan Allender’s The Wounded Heart, which I think is the best book in the market on this subject. Another book every woman needs to read is Intimate Issues: Conversations Woman to Woman by Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus.

If you have a healthy relationship with your father, you will be more trusting of your husband and will have fewer inhibitions in bed. Fully giving yourself to your husband will feel natural and safe.

Even if you have added a few pounds and gravity has changed your hourglass figure.

THE GIFT OF SEX

God created sex

1. that you might create life.

2. for intimate oneness.

3. for knowledge.

4. for pleasure.

5. as a defense against temptation.

6. for comfort.

Wherever you are today, be assured that God is a God who redeems. He longs to show you that his gift can be erotic, fulfilling, free, and beautiful. But in order for you to enjoy the sexual relationship within your marriage, you have to throw out the mental tapes which play any message that conflicts with God’s voice. You need to hear his voice alone. . . . And if you ask, he will redeem his beautiful gift in your life and make all things new.

—Linda Dillow and Lorraine Pintus*

*Adapted from Intimate Issues, by Linda Dillow & Lorraine Pintus (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press), 6–10.

HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE?

Have you ever been putting on your mascara when your husband came up behind you and cupped your breast? Have you ever slapped his hand away with a curt, “Not now!”

Why not now?

How long does it take to caress a breast? Ten seconds? Twenty seconds? Can you really not give your husband that amount of time?

I know what you’re thinking: You don’t understand, Dr. Leman. If I let him touch my breast, I’ll be on my back looking up at the ceiling in ten seconds flat. My clothes will be thrown all over the floor, my hair will get messed up, and I’ll have to redo my makeup. Then I’ll be late for work.

Have you ever considered that being late to work once or twice a year could be just what your marriage needs?

But many times your husband just wants a quick feel. So next time surprise him by turning around and getting a quick feel of your own.

There’s a huge difference between a wife who slaps a man’s hands away and one who giggles mischievously, even engaging in one or two minutes of light petting, only to whisper in his ear, “This feels so delicious, but unfortunately, I really do have to get ready for work. Let’s save it for tonight, when you’ll get all you want and more.” The second woman will have fulfilled her husband, even while staying clothed and keeping her hair in place. The first wife will have deflated her husband and eroded his masculinity, all for the sake of sixty to ninety seconds.

That’s a costly minute.

TOP 10 WAYS TO KNOW WHEN THE HONEYMOON’S OVER

#10 A quickie before dinner is a drink.

#9 You sit next to the fire to keep warm.

#8 He’s worn the same underwear three days in a row and the same shirt four days.

#7 Your head hits the pillow and you say, “Sex.” His head hits the pillow and he says, “Sex.” Now that you’ve had sex, you go to sleep.

#6 The average duration of a kiss is 1/10 of a second or less.

#5 The last flower you saw in person was at your uncle’s funeral.

#4 You watched him read the entire sports page at breakfast.

#3 He notices you cut and colored your hair 16 weeks later.

#2 You now sleep the entire night.

#1 He no longer dances for you when he gets out of the shower.

WHY NOT NOW?

I have a bulletin for you: “Men have feelings too!” They’re more fragile than most women realize. They want to please you, and their feelings get hurt far more easily than many women will ever know.

Do you want to give your husband a special treat? The next time he comes behind you and gently takes a breast in his hand, expecting you to slap him away, let him keep it there for a few seconds. When he finally pulls away, call out after him, “Hey!” in a forceful voice.

MEN HAVE FEELINGS TOO!

When you’ve got his attention, say, “You forgot the other one.”

Or better yet, move his hand to another favorite spot.

It will be a conversation your husband will never forget.

You see, men do think differently. When I see Sande bending over to unload the dishwasher, I’ll say something like, “Do you want to know what I’m thinking right now?”

“No, Leemie,” she’ll say, “I don’t want to know what you’re thinking. Go find something to do.”

The mere sight of a woman bending over (flash back to my anecdote about the woman at the Buffalo Bills game) does something profound to a man. We’re visual creatures, and we’re given visual clues all day long. Combined with the testosterone coursing through our bodies, that makes many of us live in a heightened state of sexual alert.

Here’s another scenario. If I say the same thing to Sande when she’s bending over the dishwasher, she might say, “Leemie, Mr. Happy has this habit of getting himself all excited at times where there’s not a chance he’s going to get lucky. But I’ll tell you what: Mr. Happy is going to get quite a workout tonight. I’m looking forward to it. In fact, there’s nothing I’m looking forward to more.”

When Sande does this, it’s even better than her immediately giving in! You know why? She’s using the power of anticipation. And for a man, emotionally, anticipation is even better than participation.

Does that surprise you? Think about it. How long does participation last? Ten minutes for a quickie? Twenty minutes on average? Forty-five to 60 minutes if you really take your time?

But a wife who tells her husband, “Tonight’s the night!” is giving her husband an entire day of pleasure. Twenty minutes will hardly go by without your husband thinking of you, imagining you, wanting you. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? To have your husband thinking loving and affectionate thoughts about you all day long?

The words and actions you choose are really important. When your husband is about to leave the house and he comes to give you a perfunctory kiss, surprise him by giving him a real kiss—practically cleaning his bicuspids in the process. Then say, “I’ve got plans for you later, buddy, so hurry home from work.” If you do, you’re going to be on his mind all day long.

I remember after a few years of marriage, Sande said to me, “It sure doesn’t take much to get you going, Leman.” The inexperienced woman may think, What have I gotten myself into? I talk to young wives all the time who are truly shocked at the frequency and duration of their husband’s sexual interest. Some have told me that they thought if they just gave in and had sex five days in a row, their husband would be “cured.” Not a chance. He might be smiling this week, but next week, he’s still going to be interested.

This “always on” mentality men have isn’t a conspiracy; it’s how God made us. Keep reminding yourself of that. God himself thought it was important that your husband be chemically drawn to you and motivated to get physically close to you on a regular and consistent basis.

How does a woman measure love? How does she know she’s truly cared for? It’s usually not in the bedroom. It’s usually in the day-by-day little things that matter to her. It’s the lifestyle of affection that she wants.

If you want that lifestyle of affection, fulfill your man sexually. Then, instead of resenting requests to stop by the store or look at a leaky faucet, he’ll jump with eagerness to meet your needs. Instead of being cold and distant when you talk to him, he’s going to want to hear what you have to say.

“But, Dr. Leman,” you might say, “I tried that, and it didn’t work.”

YOU CAN’T JUST “TRY” SEX IN MARRIAGE; IT HAS TO BECOME A WAY OF LIFE.

You can’t just “try” sex in marriage; it has to become a way of life. One good time of sex will make a man thankful . . . for a while. But if you turn him down the next five times when he approaches you, he’ll think about the five rejections, not that one special night. Because of a man’s chemical makeup, sex feels like a need to him. When a woman uses that need to manipulate her guy, he will become resentful. But when she graciously and eagerly meets that need, he becomes very thankful. And he shows that in all areas of his life with his wife.

The sexually fulfilled man is the kind who drives to work thinking, I must be the happiest man alive. I’m so glad I married that woman! He’s the same man who drives home thinking, What special thing can I do for my wife this evening? And you know what? Even if he has a bad day at work, he will still be thinking that because he knows what he’s going home to.

Giving and receiving spontaneous sexual gestures can work wonders for your marriage. So why not now, and why not here?

WHEN THE ROLES ARE REVERSED

In 15 percent of marriages, the roles are reversed. Instead of the wife who has the proverbial headache when the husband wants sex, it’s the man who has the headache. He says he’s too tired, too exhausted, and/or has too much on his mind. Why does this happen?

In most of these situations, it’s because of the view the man was brought up with regarding sex. He was taught that sex was bad, naughty, or dirty, or he had a strong female in the home who slam-dunked him. In essence, he’s being passive-aggressive to see if he can control you. He wants to hear you beg for sex. He may also be hiding from sex with you because of homosexual tendencies. He may have been sexually abused himself, or had a buddy or a father who introduced him to pornography.

If this is happening in your marriage, please ask your husband to get some counseling. Go with him, if he is comfortable with that.

Did you know that four out of ten girls have been abused? I really don’t know how many men, but my guess would be one in ten.

I want to be clear here. You or your husband may have been sexually abused, but that does not give you the right to wallow in your issues. My question to you is this: what are you going to do about it? Yes, that may have happened in your past, and your relationship(s) have paid a price. Now is your time to take control, to bring more health into your life and relationships. Will you be gutsy enough to do it?

A man who lived with a domineering and controlling mother may dislike a sexually aggressive wife and “play tired or dead” when she wants sex. A man who found gentle love with his mom, and who was taught to respect her, generally won’t have too much trouble becoming sexually intimate with his wife.

HE WANTS TO PLEASE YOU

Your husband wants to have sex with you for his own sexual relief. But even more than he wants his own pleasure, he wants to please you. He enjoys seeing how much you enjoy the pleasure he can give you. As he’s watching you, he’s thinking to himself, I did that to her, thank you very much.

If he fails to do that, he’ll end up feeling inadequate, lonely, and unloved. After all, each man wants to be his wife’s hero (more on that in chapter 7).

YOUR GUY WANTS TO BE ROMANTIC, BUT HE MAY BE WORRIED THAT HE CAN’T PULL IT OFF.

Once again, the little boys we men once were, we still are. We still want to please the primary woman in our life. When we were six, that meant pleasing Mommy; when we’re 26 or 36 or 46 or 66, it’s our bride. That means your guy wants to be romantic, but he may be worried that he can’t pull it off. That he won’t know what to do or that he’ll fail.

So if you’re smart, and you understand how important competition and winning are to a man, you’ll help him. You’ll keep him intrigued and satisfied.

You can be married without having any sex at all. You can still talk over dinner, celebrate the holidays, and—if you adopt—raise children. You can buy each other anniversary gifts, share intimate conversations, and even, in an emergency, share toothbrushes or bring an urgently needed roll of toilet paper.

But something would be missing.

A good sex life colors your marriage from top to bottom. It takes the humdrum and boring out of all the daily things you do for each other.

Think about it: 90 percent of life is filled with mostly boring stuff, like changing dirty diapers, cleaning up countless spills, paying the bills, filling the gas tank. And many men and women often have to work in deadly dull jobs—checking food at the grocery store, pounding nails into a roof, or adding up the same batch of figures. I’ve even met accomplished lawyers and dentists who were bored out of their minds with their professions, but financial obligations insisted that they keep doing them.

A GOOD SEX LIFE COLORS YOUR MARRIAGE FROM TOP TO BOTTOM.

Into this world of obligation and responsibility, God has dropped something absolutely fabulous into our laps. At the end of the day—and sometimes at the beginning—when our work is done and the kids are in bed and we’re home from work, we can touch each other and kiss each other and pleasure each other in such a way that the world feels like it is light-years away. We’re transported to another place and removed to another time, and it’s a glorious feeling indeed.

HOW TO GROW YOUR OWN CRAVING FOR SEX

A fulfilling sex life is one of the most powerful marital glues a couple can have. But often the biggest enemies of sex among women are being too busy, tired, and stressed.⁴

One women’s magazine puts it best:

What’s the first thing to go when you’re busy, tired, and stressed? If you said sex, you’re not alone. An estimated 24 million American women say they don’t have time, are too exhausted, or just aren’t in the mood for sex, and more than a third of Redbook readers say that being too tired is their number-one excuse for not having sex. So we put it off for later—but later can easily become never. In case you haven’t noticed, abstinence doesn’t make the loins grow hotter, it just begets more abstinence.

Sex on the other hand, begets more sex. Studies show that lovemaking elevates the levels of brain chemicals associated with desire. So the best way to increase your yearning for sex is to have it.⁵

Having a great sex life is an exhilarating experience; it can bond a husband and wife like cement until there is nothing that they won’t do for each other.

But it all starts with taking a meat cleaver to your schedule. Do I sound like a broken record? I have been speaking and writing for years about how the overcommitted pace of American families is killing us socially, relationally, and psychologically. We are simply too busy. Many families I work with could easily cut out 50 percent of their activities and still be tired. That’s not an exaggeration. Most families who see me are often shocked at the way I can take a meat cleaver to their schedule.

When we live at the pace of a NASCAR race, sex is one of the first things that goes. Once again, if you want to improve your sex life as a couple, you need to examine your relationship outside the bedroom. What are you doing that is keeping you from sexual intimacy?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING THAT IS KEEPING YOU FROM SEXUAL INTIMACY?

When Redbook magazine ran a poll on its Web site asking, “What would you do with an hour’s worth of free time?” over 10,000 men and women responded. Eighty-five percent of men and 59 percent of women answered sex—wide majorities in both cases. Just 12 percent of women chose shopping or extra sleep, followed by watching TV, exercising, reading, and eating.⁶

What does this tell you? If you had extra time, the majority of you wouldn’t head out to the mall. You wouldn’t pick up a book or turn on the television or go to the gym. You’d get naked with your spouse—and your marriages would be much better for it.