UNDERSTANDING CORRECT SEQUENCING
The part of us that is centered on the experience of feeling is sometimes referred to as the emotional self, and the part of us that is centered on thinking is referred to as the rational self or cognitive self. Neither is superior to the other as they are both needed in order to reach our goal. However, if we want to successfully work through our emotional disturbances and achieve the kinds of behaviors that we want, the emotional self must be attended to first.
As mentioned earlier, there is a tendency to quickly skip over the emotional self and go directly to the rational self when attempting to work through an emotional difficulty. This is like trying to fix a broken arm by putting a cast on our leg. This is not to say that there are not tremendously helpful things that the rational self can provide, but it simply cannot come first in our efforts to get past a difficult feeling. Listening to feelings from the emotional self must always take precedence if we are to have success and achieve our goals of emotional release and behavioral control.
This is the case because the emotional self wants nothing to do with the rational self until the former is first heard and understood. It does not respond to lectures, evaluation, criticism, logical thought, impatience, facts, or advice from the rational self. It only responds to heartfelt acknowledgment and understanding, i.e., good listening. When it gets the message from the rational self that it is being unreasonable, the emotional self feels rejected, abandoned, ashamed, unacceptable, despondent, angry, used, and conditionally loved. It then refuses to cooperate. This is because nothing rational can be heard when there is a heavy emotional charge in play, particularly when it is compounded by another’s judgment. The head of steam must be discharged first; rationality can be accepted secondarily.
After the emotional self has been worked with, then it is on to the rational self. Here there is a gold mine of information for our use. The rational self will lay out all the facts, evaluate the situation, and come up with potential solutions. It will help us examine all the things about our inner and outer worlds that need examining. It will help us assess whether or not we are perceiving reality correctly. It will help us challenge our expectations. It will assist us in determining how our beliefs impede us. It will help us get responsible for our part in a given matter. It will differentiate what is good for us and what is not. It will evaluate and analyze just about everything.
Given the individual talents of these two aspects of our inner world, it is easy to see why one of our goals must be integration and wholeness. Without our rational self, the emotional self would run amok, and without the emotional self, the rational self would be barren. When the two are married, they make a great team.
To be absolutely clear, it needs to be understood that processing our emotions before consulting our thoughts is necessary, but not because the emotional self is nonsensical and must be humored along until the real thing arrives on the scene, i.e., the rational self. This is important to understand because many of us truly believe that rationality is king. However, this is not a helpful or accurate way to view things.
Deference to our thoughts is not our end game. While it is true that we must become aware of our thoughts and thought processes, we will find that upon examination, they are not always on point. They can be quite distorted at times.
We will also find that many times an idea (a thought) may sound good on paper, but when it comes to acting on it, it may not have validity if the emotional timing is not right. For instance, it may sound like a good idea to volunteer to help the needy; however, if we are emotionally drained and need to take care of ourselves for a while, it no longer qualifies as a good idea. It is the emotional self that carries the wisdom here. Or perhaps accounting sounds like a good idea for a major in college, but emotionally we are more suited to arts and sciences. Perhaps our emotional side knows we cannot sustain four or five years in a field we dislike. Here again, the emotional self weighs in with valid input.
So please do not misunderstand the need to process the emotional self first as an effort to shut up the emotional self in favor of a better part of us. The reality is that the rational self provides us with potentially good ideas and the emotional self lets us know whether or not we can emotionally sustain these good ideas. After consideration is given to both parts of self, a good decision can emerge.