In order to successfully process our emotions, we have to have a firm awareness and understanding of our feelings. We also have to be able to distinguish them from our thoughts. To this end we will take a look at the nature of feelings and how to distinguish them from thoughts.
The term feeling is derived from the verb to feel. In order to feel, we usually have to experience a physical sensation first. We either have to see, hear, touch, smell, or taste something in the external world or experience a biological sensation from within such as hunger, satiation, fatigue, or vitality. A biological sensation from within would also include feelings based on hormonal levels, organ dysfunction, disease, brain chemistry, or physically induced pain. Upon experiencing these external or internal stimulating events, we derive some sort of emotional response based on whether or not the stimulus was pleasant or unpleasant. These emotional responses are called feelings.
The need for direct physical sensation, however, is not always the case. Feelings can also be brought about by the workings of our mind. They can be created by our thoughts, beliefs, imaginings, expectations, perceptions, interpretations, and memories. When these mental processes are altered, our feelings tend to change in response. This affords us the possibility of achieving a modicum of control over our feelings rather than being hostages of our own machinations.
Whether our feelings are sensation based or the product of our mental processes, our feelings are linked to the arousal of the nervous system, are largely biochemical in nature, and are reactive rather than initiating. They are said to be reactive as they are tied to our sensory experiences, physical state, and the mental mechanisms which trigger them.
Because our feelings are reactions to random stimuli, they do not follow a line of rational thought. Instead, they are subjective, non-linear, and illogical. Consequently, feelings have gotten a bad reputation. They are often characterized as being mercurial, imprudent, unreliable, silly, and immature. They are also seen as having little value and should be eschewed in favor of logical, rational thought.
While our feelings are usually associated with the conscious perception of emotion, they can be present, yet remain within the realm of unconsciousness. For instance, we may feel very hurt about something, yet remain unaware of it while engaging in symbolic behaviors that belie its presence (irritable, punitive, or withdrawn behaviors). This lack of conscious awareness coupled with seemingly irrational behavior further contributes to the perception that feelings are unreliable and undesirable.
Yet our feelings are our heartfelt, honest response to life. They reside in the part of our brain that has no capability to do anything other than react. This part of the brain has the emotional maturity of a three-year-old and is totally dependent on the executive part of the brain (the part that deals with thinking and planning) to give it correct information, protect it, and guide it. Without the help of our executive center, our feelings have no way to be anything other than what they are.
Consequently, the emotional self must be viewed as a three-year-old child that we adore and dearly wish to protect. We must see the child as being young, impressionable, sensitive, expressive, spontaneous, and emotionally rich. We must see this young life as being dependent on us for limit setting, behavioral guidance, education, protection, validation, and kindness. We must also see this child as being dependent on us to feel wanted, special, accepted, and acceptable. But most of all we need to see the child as being dependent on us for empathic listening and compassionate responses.
There are several ways we can help ourselves where our feelings are concerned. The first thing we can do is to correctly identify or label them. We must give a name to whatever is present; for instance, we may be experiencing anger, hurt, disappointment, sadness, helplessness, fear, disgust, confusion, loneliness, or emptiness. This is not a thinking exercise, for we cannot identify a feeling with logic. It is a checking exercise. We need to turn our attention inward and check to see what we are experiencing. We are looking for a felt sense. That means we are trying to get a sense of what is emotionally going on. We are trying to detect something, to recognize it, to get the gist of it. We are looking for an emotional element of ourselves that we can describe. Under no circumstances are we to think when trying to identify a feeling.
The second thing we can do to help ourselves is to process our feelings correctly. Processing our feelings means working through them and handling them properly. In order to process them correctly, we have to listen to them without judgment or evaluation of any kind. More than that, we have to understand how our feelings came to be as they are. We have to acknowledge whatever it is that we have endured in life or struggled with that may have given rise to our current emotional state. We have to be willing to tenderly embrace the part of us that is in pain. We have to hear it and comfort it as though we would hear and comfort a child. Never must we evaluate, judge, or chastise ourselves for how we feel.
Once our feelings have been identified and given a compassionate hearing, they tend to quickly dissipate. They release not because we have done anything difficult or complex, but simply because we have granted them loving attention. Much of the time, this is all we need to do.
It is a bit counterintuitive to say that delving into something rather than turning away from it can bring relief, yet it is true. Working through our emotions is effective in that it allows for a release of inner tension similar to the feeling of relief we experience when someone has finally heard us and that what we have had to say has mattered. Attempting to circumvent our feelings, silence them, or ignore them is ineffective. We have to move through the darkness to get to the light.
There are times, however, when we have correctly identified and lovingly received a particular feeling and it does not release. Perhaps we feel anger that keeps churning. Or maybe we feel a sadness that feels too big to ever go away. This can be indicative of unidentified, secondary feelings.
What we need to know here is that there are oftentimes other feelings behind the ones that have first been identified. These secondary feelings also need to be identified. For example, if we are stuck on anger, there is a good chance that we are also feeling afraid, helpless, sad, hurt, disappointed, embarrassed, unwanted, or unloved, to name a few underlying feelings. If we are stuck feeling sad, there is a good chance that we are also feeling angry, afraid, alone, and helpless. If we are stuck feeling rejected, there is a good chance that underneath we are feeling angry, powerless, scared, misunderstood, and alone. We need to identify as many of these secondary feelings as possible. Then our primary feelings will usually release.
This need to attend to layers of existing emotion is not to imply that we have to wallow in our painful emotions, scare ourselves, and depress ourselves. It simply means that for a moment we must experience, acknowledge, and identify our feelings. It only takes a minute or two, and it can bring us great inner peace.
Naming our feelings is not only helpful in gaining a greater sense of inner peace through the release of inner tension, but it also allows greater behavioral control, which can bring positive experiences into our lives. Since our unacknowledged and unnamed feelings run our behavioral show, it is helpful to usher them into consciousness so we can start behaving appropriately. It has been said that what we can name we can tame, and this is so true.
A word of warning is due here. Oftentimes we think that we are having a feeling when actually we are having a thought. For instance, we might say “I feel that it’s not right that the government is overreaching.” This is a judgment, an evaluation, and/or an opinion. It is not a sensation you are experiencing that would qualify it as a feeling. Just because we use the phrase “I feel” in a sentence does not mean that a feeling is being expressed. In fact, any time we are attempting to express a feeling and the word that is in the same sentence, we are definitely not expressing a feeling; we are expressing a thought.
If we are expressing our actual feelings regarding governmental overreach, we might be saying “I feel frightened” or “I feel angry” or “I feel helpless.” On the other side of the issue, we might be saying “I feel supportive,” “I feel thrilled,” or “I feel comfortable.” Whatever it is that we feel, it must be stated in a one-two-three format: One, use the word I; two, say the word feel; three, insert a one-word expression of emotion.
It is also possible to circuitously express a feeling by saying “I feel like . . . and then insert a descriptive phrase. For example, we could say “I feel like I have a weight on my chest” to express feeling stifled, overwhelmed, or oppressed. Or we could say “I feel like I can’t get out of this mess” to express feeling helpless, trapped, or restricted. We could also say “I feel like I did when I almost drowned” to express feeling terrorized, desperate, or hopeless.” We could say “I feel used up” to express feeling exhausted, exploited, and/or resentful.
In all these examples we have started with a descriptive phrase and then factored it down to specific feeling words. This is an indirect route to identifying our feelings, but it can still be productive if we keep going until we end up with a word that best describes our emotional state. We must be sure, however, to move beyond our initial descriptive phrase in order to get the desired result.
If we have successfully done this and find that we still struggle with intractable feelings, we will have to commence working with our thoughts to see how they are informing our feelings. Our thoughts tend to have quite an impact on our impressionable emotional self and regularly upset the living daylights out of it. We might also take a look at some of our other mental processes (transferences, perceptions, beliefs, expectations) to see if they are generating distorted information that is upsetting to the emotional self.
At this point, we should be feeling much better, but if we are not, we would have to look further, not so much at individual feelings, but at our underlying character structure, our enduring patterns, and/or unresolved issues. For example, we would have to look at the possibility that we may be achieving secondary gains (payoffs) by holding on to certain feelings. Perhaps we are punishing others by continuing to hurt. Perhaps we are avoiding something. Perhaps we are struggling with guilt and feel like we need emotional punishment to balance the scale. We could also have attachment/dependency issues, masochistic tendencies, narcissistic leanings, unrealistic standards of perfection, self-esteem problems, victim consciousness, or fear of success. The list of possibilities is too long to address here, but we need to be aware of them in our quest for emotional balance.
There is a special breed of feelings that we have not discussed yet, and that is intuitive feelings or gut feelings. Intuitive feelings are feelings that provide information that we cannot recall having learned. When we have an intuitive feeling regarding a particular situation, we can understand that situation immediately without information derived from either conscious memory or conscious reasoning. This is because the memory that provides that information remains out of the range of our conscious awareness. However, it has been unconsciously processed and readied for retrieval in the form of a gut feeling. In such instances we are drawing our conclusions from the unconscious recognition of certain memories, meaning that our intuition is essentially information gained through our past learning experiences. These gut feelings bring a heightened state of awareness, are on target, and should be heeded, for we are inadvertently recognizing patterns and/or viewing the situation from a higher perspective rather than concentrating on the microcosm.
Some think that intuition is derived from our basic instincts. However, this is a bit different from the above explanation of intuition as a byproduct of learned behavior. Our instincts could be defined as an innate inclination to react in a stereotypical manner toward a particular set of stimuli (as opposed to learned behavior). They are usually primal survival instincts coming from our reptilian brain in connection with our right brain, and they are devoid of conscious reasoning. While it is best to examine our primal instincts so that we do not engage in destructive or inappropriate behaviors, at times our instincts can serve us well in matters of survival. Sometimes when there is an instinctual urge to watch out or to run, it is best to pay attention.
Intuitive feelings are experienced at a visceral level, which is why we call them gut feelings. Basically, our intuition acts as an information carrier that arouses emotion. It brings a heightened sense of awareness, provides a quick recognition of truth, and stimulates emotions that are appropriate to the situation. For example, if our intuition tells us that something is not quite right, feelings of dread, wariness, or fear will be brought forward. If our intuition tells us that all is well, feelings of comfort and safety will come forward.
The concept of gut feelings may seem confusing in that there may be no immediate thought or memory that explains their presence. However, when they happen, they present with certitude and are completely devoid of confusion. Their message is crystal clear. They speak of inevitability, of prescience, of knowing. The message they bring forward is correct and is not to be ignored.
Unfortunately, too often we ignore our gut feelings due to the fact that we start questioning them rather than accepting them as truth. While it is a good thing to examine our feelings rather than act on them impulsively, it is not a good thing to rationalize away our gut feelings. This is why it is so important to be able to distinguish between our sensation-based feelings, our thought-induced feelings, and our gut feelings.
Sensation-based feelings are experienced as moving, sentimental, lush, responsive, emotive, passionate, flowing, demonstrative, arousing, changeable, tumultuous, impulsive, and intense, but they do not carry a sense of certainty, of recognition, or of knowing. Thought-induced feelings are experienced similarly to sensation-based feelings but carry an element of variability as they change whenever we change our thoughts. Nor do they carry an element of recognition, knowing, or certainty. In fact, they can be very misaligned with reality. Intuition-based feelings (gut feelings) do not feel particularly sentimental, demonstrative, or passionate. Nor do they change. They are an accurate representation of reality. They can feel powerful, intense, and grounded, and they definitely bring a sense of certainty and recognition. A gut feeling is experienced as truth, as a clear message from within. It provides quick, perceptive comprehension of a given matter and will get this message across with an appropriate, related feeling.
When we are confused about whether we are having “regular” feelings (sensation-based or thought-based feelings) or intuitive feelings, it really comes down to what we do with our lack of clarity. If we are unclear about whether something is a gut feeling or “regular” feeling, it is better to err on the side of self-protection rather than spend inordinate amounts of time trying to figure things out. If something does not feel quite right, we cannot afford to take chances with our well-being, waiting around until we can identify what is amiss. If something nags us, we must protect ourselves first. We can figure things out later.
Whether sensation based, psychologically induced, or intuitively inspired, our feelings are helpful to us in so many ways. They temper the sterile quality of our thoughts. They open the heart. They are a tremendous source of energy when acknowledged and lovingly received. They warn us with their presence, tone, and intensity when we are getting off track. They provide emotional support for our goals. They guide us into areas of interest and success. They are effective in letting us know what we can and cannot sustain. They are the bedrock of our courage. They help us to turn aside abuse. They shake loose our defenses and let us know how we honestly feel about certain relationships or situations. They carry messages from our intuition, channeling intuitive knowing through gut feelings. They warn us of danger and of unhealthy situations. They help us denote the need for boundaries and assist us in instituting and maintaining them. Finally, they release us from self-recrimination by bringing us intuitive knowledge about why certain life events played out as they did. When attended to with care and consideration, the emotional self will do all this and more.