Sometimes it is difficult to determine what the emotional self is trying to convey because it tends to speak to us in code. One of the ways it does this is to use our physical bodies to get its message across. The most obvious of these tactics would be to cause physical pain such as headaches, stomachaches, neck pain, back pain, or heartburn. The emotional self can also cause us to have tics, spasms, or muscle twitching. It can even cause us to become accident prone, bringing us pain through injuries to our body. In a more subtle vein, it can show itself through our general physical health. For instance, we may be run down or subject to illness because we are not emotionally taking care of ourselves.
The emotional self can also be experienced through our heart rate, blood pressure, or heart rhythms. It can be experienced through intestinal distress, skin conditions, and hair loss. Additionally, it can manifest itself through our sleep patterns such as insomnia or hypersomnia.
The emotional self can also present physically by allowing our muscles to be relaxed or tense. A good test of our emotional state is to see if our bellies are soft or hard, meaning we can note whether or not we are tightly holding our stomachs in or letting them be slack. The first usually means negative feelings such as distrust, anger, fear, powerlessness, frustration, dissatisfaction, embarrassment, or vulnerability. The second usually means that we are comfortable, open-hearted, gentle, peaceful, and secure. Muscle tension in any part of the body indicates emotional distress. We can usually identify it by checking our bodies for areas of comfort or discomfort.
Along the same lines, we can check our adrenaline level to get an idea of what is going on with our feelings. If we are in a state of overstimulation as evidenced by nervousness, excitability, edginess, defensiveness, hypervigilance, hysteria, irritability, mania, or obsessiveness, this is a clear indicator of negative emotions. It can also signal anxiety or depressive states.
Another physical indicator of our feelings is our breath. We can observe our breathing and note its depth and speed. Is our breathing shallow, coming mostly from our upper lungs, or is it deeper, coming more from our diaphragms or our bellies? Is our breathing rapid or slow? Shallow, fast breathing indicates that we are in some sort of emotional distress (most likely fear or anger), while deep, slower breathing indicates a state of security and well-being.
In all these cases we can ask ourselves the following questions: “If this physical symptom had words, what would it be saying?” “What is my tic saying?” “What is my headache saying?” “What is my state of exhaustion saying?” “What is my breathing saying?” They are all trying to say something emotionally important if we would but hear it. While the specifics vary, much of the time they are trying to impart the message that either we are or are not happy with our current situation, choices, relationship, or life-path.
In addition to taking note of our physical state, we can also take note of our behaviors in order to determine what we are feeling. It can be particularly helpful to take a look at the nature or quality of our behaviors (negative or positive, aggressive or benign, self-defeating or self-caring, self-absorbed or selfless). Once we establish their quality, we can more easily determine what feelings they are reflecting. For example, behaviors that are self-destructive usually indicate feelings of rage, self-loathing, and powerlessness. Individuals engaging in defiant, oppositional behavior often feel angry, anxious, invisible, unheard, powerless, used, pressured, or burdened. Perfectionistic behavior can reveal feelings of fear, grief, powerlessness, and unworthiness. Even simple behaviors like a loss of temper, bouts of nastiness, a tendency to blame others, or a loss of patience are indicative of something that we are feeling.
Another way to gain awareness of our feelings is to become familiar with our motivations and intentions. If we can determine what they are, we are much closer to discovering our feelings. For instance, if we are motivated by power and our intention is to build an empire, we might be suffering from feelings of shame, worthlessness, weakness, or powerlessness. If we are motivated by the need for attachment and our intention is to find a relationship, we may be feeling needy, lonely, or afraid. If we are overly motivated by independence and our intention is to stand completely on our own, we may be holding feelings of fear, outrage, and frustration over having been controlled, used, or abused when in a previous state of dependency.
In determining your motivations and intentions, you might ask yourself, “What do I desire?” “What do I need?” “What would help me feel more comfortable or satisfied?” “How do I intend to supply myself with what I want and need?” “What sensation is propelling me toward my goal?” All of these questions can be helpful in revealing not only your motivations and intentions, but also the feelings that underlie them.
Yet another way that we can decode our emotional self is to observe and monitor our moods. We can take note of our current attitude, disposition, and outlook. Specifically, we can note the quality of our mood (pleasant or unpleasant, positive or negative, benevolent or malevolent), its intensity (strong or weak, resistant or yielding), and the direction it seems headed (ramping up for action or moving back to emotional equilibrium).
Our dreams can also be helpful in decoding the emotional self. While dream interpretation requires a bit of training, we can at least determine whether our dreams carry an overall feeling of anxiety, if they are sexual in nature, or if they are explosive and aggressive. We can also take note of what wishes we fulfill for ourselves in our dreams.
The emotional self can also be heard in the tenor of our communications with others. It is possible to realize how we are feeling simply by listening to the tone of our voice or the way we are speaking to people. Do we sound whiney or upset? Do we sound harsh or loving? Are we critical or demanding? Do our words show patience or impatience?
In a related vein, we can reveal our emotions by paying close attention to our self-talk. We can determine quite a bit in the feelings department if we just listen to what we are saying and how we sound when we talk to ourselves. If we find that we are speaking to our self in a kind and supportive manner, we are most likely imbued with positive, benign feelings. If we notice that we are saying hateful, judgmental, or denigrating things to ourselves, this is our cue that we are experiencing anger. We may think we are angry with our self, but in most cases we are angry with someone or something outside of our self and are now redirecting that anger inward instead. We need to acknowledge that anger as well as determine who or what originally triggered it. Then we can be appropriately angry with that person or situation instead of our self; we will notice an immediate improvement in the quality of our self-talk.
Once we have decoded our emotional self through any of the aforementioned methods, we will most likely have managed to come up with at least one initial feeling that we are experiencing. This is wonderful; however, we cannot stop there. We cannot stop because under our initial feeling there will be another feeling and then another and another. They will all be related even though they exist in separate layers (much like the layers of an onion). When attended to properly, each will release and move us closer to peace. In our quest to keep the decoding process going, let’s take a look at some of the underlying feelings that usually reside beneath our initial feelings.
There are a variety of hidden feelings that can underlie an initial feeling; however, there are four main feelings that dominate. These are fear, sadness, helplessness, and anger. Much of the time they are present in combination. Let’s take a look at each individually, starting with fear.
Fear is one of the most universal, commonly held feelings there is. It usually presents as a general feeling of dread or alarm, but in actuality can encompass a variety of individual concerns and trepidations. When addressed, individual fears are easier to identify and work through compared to addressing generalized fear. Consequently, in our efforts to discover our deeper feelings, it can be helpful to identify some of the specific things we fear.
One of the specific things we most fear is the fear of loss. In economic situations there can be the more obvious fears such as loss of money, power, status, security, options, respect, image, control, or comfort zone. In interpersonal relationships there is often a fear of loss of love and all that it entails such as feeling adrift, alone, lonely, needy, unsafe, unworthy, unlovable, disposable, and abandoned. In almost any arena, we may experience the fear of disapproval, which can leave us feeling irrelevant, inept, humiliated, discounted, punished, misunderstood, victimized, exposed, criticized, berated, vilified, or cast out.
Another kind of specific fear that we may experience is the fear of being consumed, taken over, or controlled by others in our environment. While this can occur simply because of another’s incessant and/or unreasonable needs, expectations, and demands, most of the time it goes further than that. Usually our fear of being consumed is the result of an environment in which chaos, abuse, and pathology are present. This situation is extremely toxic for us, and we feel trapped within its grasp.
Examples of this type of environment might include living in close proximity to an active drug addict or alcoholic, a physical or emotional abuser, a “rageaholic,” a mentally ill person, a law breaker, a control freak, or a narcissist. Within these situations we can develop a fear of exploitation, out-of-control people, upending chaos, imminent rage, and physical harm. We also fear falling apart, going crazy, crying incessantly, being trapped, having no choices, or certain death. We may also develop a fear of intimacy, an inability to trust, or a fear of commitment. The fear of being consumed all comes down to a fear of having to endure the unendurable and not knowing how to escape it or effectively deal with it.
Another explicit fear that we have is the fear of failing. When we fail, it becomes evident that we are imperfect and/or we do not have total dominion over the world. As ridiculous as the possibility for perfection or total control sounds, we still attempt to achieve it. When it becomes evident that we cannot achieve it, we end up feeling exposed as a fraud and then experience either a loss of self-esteem or the esteem of others. It goes without saying that accepting our human imperfections and limitations of power would be a much better route to take; it is both compassionate to the self and automatically eliminates a host of fears.
Yet another identifiable fear that we may have is the fear of our own rage and any impulsive actions we might take based on that rage. When we have been through a great deal of emotional trauma and are in a high state of internal rage, we can feel a bit murderous. This does not mean physical murderousness (although in extreme cases it could be), but having a feeling of wanting to wring someone’s neck or shake some sense into them, beat the living daylights out of them, or leave them flat. We can also fear the fragmentation of self that can occur when our rage is out of control and we can no longer hold ourselves together. Here we no longer feel cohesive as a person; we feel like we are breaking apart.
Finally, when we find ourselves in a high state of rage and that state is unacceptable or abhorrent to us, we can also fear punishment from within ourselves. If we have not acknowledged and accepted our capacity for outrage, we may be subject to inner punishment from our conscience that will punish us with guilt, shame, self-recrimination, and anxiety.
The second major feeling that often underlies the first feeling we have identified is sadness. There are so many things over which we have grief. We are sad because of losses we have taken, over things we have never gotten around to doing, over things we wish we had done differently, over opportunities we have squandered, or opportunities that were not afforded us. We are sad that we did not stand up for ourselves sooner. We are sad that we did not treat people as we should have. We are sad over things that we have had no choice but to accept. We are sad over our loved ones’ inability to see us, hear us, or understand us. We are sad that at times we have had so little physical or emotional support. We are sad that we have been injured so badly, that we have been gullible, or that our awareness has been so dismal at given points in time. We are sad that we are getting older, that our time on earth is limited, and that with aging, our opportunities are diminishing. We are sad that we have had times of self-absorption, of acted-out anger, of deep fatigue that robbed us of quality interactions with our loved ones. We are sad that we have to struggle, to work so hard, to always keep pedaling. We are sad over so very many things.
The third major feeling that often underlies our first identified feeling is helplessness. Helplessness is so difficult to feel because when it is in play, there is truly nothing we can do. Losses are about to be taken, and that is that. Even if we have all the intelligence, influence, and capability in the world, something is going to be lost or fail to go right.
Helplessness is related to the feeling of powerlessness. When powerlessness is in play, there may be something that can be done to improve the situation, but we do not have the power to make it happen. Perhaps we do not have the money to hire a better doctor or a competent attorney. Maybe the people involved cannot hear us or choose to discount us. Maybe we live or work with an oppressive person who restricts us from doing whatever we could have done.
One of the main things we are powerless to do is change others if they do not choose to change of their own accord. Unfortunately, we cannot help them “see the light” until they are ready to. Despite our excellent communication skills and heartfelt intentions, we cannot make others hear us or understand us if they have no ability or inclination to do so. Nor can we change others’ perceptions of us if they do not wish to examine those perceptions. If we try to help them, they will most likely interpret our efforts as attempts to control them and will not alter this perception. Whether we are attempting to help others stand up to abuse, overcome an addiction, recognize a self-defeating pattern, or become more responsible for themselves, we are playing a losing game. We are powerless to walk their path; we can only watch.
On a grander scale we are helpless to stop change itself; we are unable to influence the universal cycles of life and death. These realities are difficult to face, but the sooner we can accept our own helplessness and/or powerlessness in certain areas, the better. Here, acceptance is crucial. It is also imperative that we develop a willingness to embrace the positive side of change. Change does not have to equate to catastrophe, particularly when we are attuned to our own strengths and capabilities.
It should be noted that both helplessness and powerlessness are tied to sadness because of the losses that surely will be taken. They are also tied to anger because we almost always have a layer of anger when losses present themselves.
The fourth major feeling that can underlie other identified feelings is anger, which can range from annoyance, frustration, and irritation on the low end of the scale all the way up to rage. Many feelings have anger in tandem. Some of the feelings that have an anger component are feelings of rejection, betrayal, hurt, abandonment, disappointment, sadness, frustration, and helplessness. Any time we feel controlled, exploited, victimized, abused, discounted, neglected, denied, or thwarted, there will be an anger component. When we feel misunderstood, unheard, unsupported, invisible, criticized, berated, or punished, there will be anger. When we feel scared or unsafe, we will also be angry. Feelings of resentment also hold anger. Whenever we fail after great effort, we can feel angry. When we find ourselves in a state of depression, we are definitely angry. When we feel anxious or panicky, we are oftentimes holding anger. When we feel stupid or unmasked in some way, we get angry. Likewise, we should expect anger when we feel guilt, shame, or humiliation. When we feel stifled, suffocated, or micromanaged, we feel angry. When we feel loathsome, worthless, or self-destructive, we are angry. When we feel overdone, long-suffering, or overly altruistic, we will feel anger (particularly if we feel taken for granted or unappreciated). When we have been untrue to ourselves, denied ourselves, or consistently put ourselves last, we will be angry. This is an incomplete list, but you get the idea.
Interestingly, anger is usually the first identifiable feeling to enter our awareness. Oftentimes we have no problem seeing it. In fact, it is common to get stuck on our anger, never getting to the layers beneath it. Unfortunately, this anger does not release if we fail to see what is beneath it. It just grinds away, we remain uncomfortably inflamed, and after a while the people around us get tired of our “anger junkie” routine.
Sometimes, however, when we really need to acknowledge our anger, we are blissfully unaware of it (particularly if we have already started acting on our anger). There are a few reasons for this. First, when we swing into action, we are generally not feeling anything. We are too busy acting. In fact, the more we act, the less we feel. We may be yelling and screaming or punching someone, yet fail to feel a lick of our own rage, sadism, disdain, or lack of concern for the person we are assaulting. If we did, we would probably stop. But we cannot because our state of action has blocked all emotion.
Secondly, if we are depressed, which is predicated on anger, our depression acts as a numbing agent (kind of like a shot of Novocaine™ to our brains). This numbness is pervasive and stops us from feeling much of anything except the excruciating pain of our depressive state. It anesthetizes all the feelings we need to work with in order to get rid of our depression and prevents healing through the correct channels of acknowledgment, identification, compassionate acceptance, and release. So not only do we have no idea that we are angry when we are depressed, but we are also clueless about the rest of our emotional entourage.
A third reason we sometimes have difficulty finding our anger is that, for many of us, it is considered a particularly bad feeling to have. Our parents, teachers, and religious groups urge us to be kind and loving. Anger is looked down upon. Consequently, we go out of our way to hide it from ourselves. We may go so far as to say that we are annoyed or irritated, but we hesitate to say that we are angry and almost never admit to being enraged.
A fourth reason we lose track of our anger is that, in our society, we take so many illegal psychotropic drugs that serve as anger suppressants or even go so far as to ruin our ability to feel good on our own. Those drugs hold feelings still instead of allowing them to vibrate, move, and release. Trying to get feelings to release in an active drug or alcohol user is like trying to fight city hall.
Fifth, our psychological issues can mask our underlying anger rather well. On the surface these issues do not seem related to anger at all. For example, who would think that panic attacks have anything to do with repressed anger or that we are stuck in the house with agoraphobia because of our anger? Or who would think that the doting, supermom is depressed because she is angry? Who would think that self-loathing or guilt is related to anger? Who would think to link anger and hyperactivity? Not too many. Our mental health issues need to be deconstructed so that we can find their emotional basis.
Sixth, sometimes when our anger is repressed, the rest of our feelings are repressed as well. Then we are in a fine mess. Even though anger is deemed a negative emotion, it is vital to our emotional health that we unearth it, entertain it, and honor it for a little while. We need to hear its message. While we do not want it hanging around forever, without it we can get stuck in a world of hurt.