So far we have identified turning against the self or self-attack as one of our defenses. However, it is used so frequently and is responsible for so much suffering in this world that it has been given a section of its own in this book.
Self-attack as we will speak of it here is a harsh, unrelenting judgment held against the self that impedes emotional release and ultimately self-acceptance. This judgment results in deeply painful psychological states, typically taking the form of depression, guilt, shame, worthlessness, self-hatred, and self-recrimination. Feelings of rejection and hurt can also indicate self-attack. In its most severe form, it can manifest as suicide. In its lesser form, it can manifest as self-sabotage, procrastination, proneness to accidents, anxiety, addictions, perfectionism, and asceticism, to name a few.
Self-attack is very different from honestly assessing an aspect of our self that needs improvement and then making a move to remedy that. It is a vicious appraisal of the self that conveys an attitude of deep, personal failing. The self-attacking part of us is the terrorist element within us that decrees that we are bad, loathsome, incompetent, disposable, unimportant, and valueless. It reminds us how stupid and deficient we are, how contemptible we are, and how useless we are. It sadistically and consistently informs us that we are frauds, fools, and disappointments to all who know us. It makes sure that we know how eminently unlovable and easy to leave we really are.
Unfortunately, once the self-attacking part of us gets going, it tends to run on an endless loop within our heads. It works like a deeply embedded program that we just cannot seem to uninstall. The purpose of this section of the book is to help you learn how to beat the endless loop of self-hatred and get your inner terrorist under control.
While sometimes revealing itself on a conscious level, self-attack is generally an unconscious process. We can only know it is there by noticing all the tell-tale symptoms listed above. Sometimes we can also know it is present if we notice ourselves having self-deprecating fantasies. These are fantasies in which we are the ones who are hurt, abandoned, rejected, humiliated, or failing. We can also be tipped off to self-attack if we find ourselves going over lists of our crimes, replaying memories of hurtful situations, revisiting our failures, and reminding ourselves of our flaws.
The self-attack process starts with a redirection of our negative thoughts and feelings for others to our own self. Somehow we manage to effectively reroute our criticisms of others enough to turn everything into our own fault. The angrier we are with someone else, the more hateful we are to ourselves. Essentially, we are protecting them at our own expense.
Self-attack acts as a defense or barrier against our real feelings. Usually these feelings are aggressive feelings such as anger or rage, but they also include the authentic feelings that underlie our aggression such as sadness, fear, and helplessness. As such, self-attack prevents an awareness of what is emotionally going on within us. This, in turn, prevents a healthy working-through of those unacknowledged feelings. Once this lack of awareness and lack of emotional movement is in play, there is little hope of getting past the skin-crawling feeling of self-hatred.
Because self-attack acts as a defense against feeling, it can be said that it does not represent a primary position. It represents a secondary position. It is there only to keep our true primary feelings out of our awareness, to keep them from being heard, and to prevent them from releasing. Even though only a secondary position, self-attack does a very effective job of eradicating all knowledge of our primary feelings. In their place, however, it leaves a horrific legacy.
The problem here is that the secondary feelings brought on by self-attack are so painful, so self-deprecating, and so loathsome that one has to wonder if our primary feelings could be much worse. As it turns out, our primary feelings are far less painful than those brought by self-attack. We are simply too afraid of our primary feelings to experience them and work them through. This sounds strange, yet it is true. We are terrified of our real feelings for fear of losing control, of going crazy, of getting depressed, of acting inappropriately, of being in too much pain, to name a few of our worries. Yet in reality all those things occur from being stuck in an endless spiral of self-attack, not from processing our primary feelings.
It is important to understand that feelings of self-attack cannot be moved and thereby released. Only the primary feelings can be moved. This is because self-attack is usually composed of a variety of feelings that cannot be individually identified and worked through. It is a package deal. A package deal cannot be released. The feelings must be dealt with individually.
Self-attack is also difficult to release because the emotional self is very afraid of judgment from the rational self and the superego/ conscience. It would rather be in the pain of self-loathing than experience the non-acceptance of its primary feelings. It wants to be heard and understood.
In addition, self-attack can be difficult to release due to the fact that it can involve protecting highly valued individuals in our lives. These are people who we may deeply love and/or depend upon. In such cases we protect them from our feelings at our own expense so that we do not have to face the pain of their angry reactions, judgments, and/or abandonment. Our dread of loss is too great.
Whether judgment and non-acceptance come from within or without, it is a huge deterrent to the release of self-attack. While we do not control the responses of those in the external world, luckily we can learn to control our inner judgments and to cultivate an inner environment of compassion and acceptance. At least then we have a fighting chance of unloading the nasty pronouncements that we direct against ourselves.