OBSERVING THE PRESENCE OF SELF-ATTACK
As we move on to observing the presence of self-attack, there will be a slight change in the way that we characterize it. So far, we have portrayed it as a defense mechanism that we sometimes use against ourselves. This is correct. However, in this chapter we will portray our self-attacking mechanism as a separate entity. Specifically, we will call it our inner self-attacker.
In the same way that we sometimes separate and then personify our emotional self by seeing it as an inner child or the way that we separate and personify our rational self by seeing it as our inner intellectual, we need to separate and personify our self-attack. This is simply a process of distinguishing one part of self from another and then personalizing it so that it is easier to interact with. This will help us to better observe and deter our self-attacking element.
Self-observation is vital to the process of gaining mastery over our self-attacking process. Without it our inner self-attacker runs free under the cloak of darkness, able to wreak havoc at will. In order to disarm this attacker, we first need to observe the tell-tale feelings, symptoms, and behaviors indicating the presence of self-attack (depression, guilt, shame/humiliation, self-deprecation/self-blame, lack of self-forgiveness, high anxiety, low self-esteem, accident proneness, perfectionism, psychosomatic illnesses, self-sabotage, etc.). In doing so we can acknowledge the vicious, condemnatory process that is in play. Secondly, we need to challenge our inner self-attacker. The minute we observe it, we must strongly and unilaterally dispute its validity. This allows us to divert our attention away from the false, denigrating pronouncements of our inner self-attacker and place our attention on our primary feelings that are waiting to be processed.
Sometimes it can be helpful to see the inner self-attacker as a villain that we know from a movie or television show. It is best to choose someone who we experience to be truly dastardly rather than someone we experience as funny. Once this is done, the process of observing and challenging can move ahead.
At first this villainous figure will appear to be very powerful, and we might feel profoundly afraid of him/her. In fact, it may seem almost impossible to challenge such a formidable character, much less in a strong, unilateral manner. If we do find ourselves unable to challenge our inner self-attacker, we should not force our self to do so. We should just observe our opponent, perhaps from behind the safety of a wall or from behind a bush. Just watch. That is all. After many, many observations — maybe even hundreds — our inner self-attacker’s presence will seem to diminish and a challenge can be made. Sometimes the challenge will merely be a stepping out from behind the wall and letting our own powerful presence be known. Sometimes it will be a swift kick in the inner self-attacker’s posterior end. Sometimes it will be a dismissive glance before proceeding with our own acts of self-care.
A new challenge should be issued each time our inner self-attacker makes his/her presence known, because self-attack is always invalid and invariably lets us know that we are on the wrong path. In fact, it is so far afield from correct emotional processing that an immediate challenge should become an automatic response no matter how worthless, unlovable, and insignificant we may feel. Our inner self-attacker should not be afforded any chance at all. Its only value is that it shows us how off base we are and how much we need to attend to the primary feelings that were present before we succumbed to self-attack.
After a challenge has been issued, we can move on to determine what our primary feelings are and minister to them whenever we want. We can start seeing how statements like “I must be easy to leave” or “I’m such a fool to have ever trusted him/her” or “He/she never loved me to begin with” actually indicate feelings of shock, disillusionment, rage, disgust, emptiness, loneliness, and grief. These are the feelings we should be processing, not giving credence to our inner self-attacker’s phony pronouncements that we are worthless, disposable, foolish, and unlovable.
If we find that we are so hypnotized by our inner self-attacker’s accusations that we cannot challenge him/her, nor can we move on to processing our real feelings, we can at least continue to observe our nemesis. Observing our inner self-attacker’s unholy presence can be quite a self-attack-busting move in itself. Why is this? Strangely, the act of observation in itself diminishes whatever difficulty is being observed. It is a similar dynamic to calling someone out and not letting their actions go unnoticed. Even if we do not implement any of the other tools at our disposal, steady, consistent observation will weaken our inner self-attacker and keep us clear on the fact that we stand separate from him/ her.
A simple rule of thumb here is that when we become aware of the fact that we are attacking ourselves, i.e., feeling depressed, rejected, stupid, expendable, ashamed, guilty, worthless, etc., we must immediately acknowledge that we are off base. In fact, we are supremely off base. Acknowledging this fact alone can keep us from fully succumbing to our inner self-attacker. In instances where, despite our best efforts, we cannot shake off our depressive or self-recriminating convictions, we need to hang on to this rule. It will help us remain focused on the truth. It changes the focus from the certainty that we are worthless to the certainty that we are worthwhile, but simply cannot feel it at this moment. It can help us observe the reality that, while engaged in self-attack, we are engaged in a bogus activity; we are in the middle of a twisted psychological process; our perceptions are off; our coping mechanism has temporarily gone haywire; our brain chemistry is out of balance. This is very different from believing what we are feeling while engaging in a terrorist attack on the self. At no time should we forget the rule. Again, at no time should we forget the rule.