After we have observed how our faulty thought processes are contributing to self-attack, we need to go a step further and become aware of the negative self-talk that they are generating. In other words, we need to pay attention to the way we are talking to ourselves based on our misperceptions of the environment, our denigrating thoughts, our rigid belief systems, and our outlandish expectations.
At first glance, faulty thought processes and negative self-talk seem like the same thing; however, they are a bit different from each other. The major distinction between the two is that self-talk is a more active factor in self-attack than are faulty thought processes. Self-talk builds upon our incorrect ways of looking at the world and involves active, ongoing, incorrect information being fed to the emotional self.
When we observe an error in our thought processes, we then need to then listen carefully to the self-talk that follows. We need to hear how we sound when we talk to our emotional self. Are we supporting the inaccuracy in our thought processes by speaking to our emotional self in disparaging, cruel, frightening ways or are we correcting the error by speaking to our emotional self in kind, encouraging, comforting ways? If we have any kind of depression, anxiety, guilt, shame, self-recrimination, self-loathing, or rejection going on, we are definitely engaging in the former.
In these cases we are probably saying things like . . .
You’re stupid.
You’re worthless.
You’re unlovable.
No one wants you.
You’re a fool.
You were never loved to begin with.
You’re weak.
Don’t even bother to try.
You’re a failure.
You’re no good.
Your feelings don’t count.
This is just your lot in life.
You might as well give up.
You’re not good looking.
No one will ever choose you.
You’re going to be alone forever.
You’re in great danger.
You have no choices.
You might starve.
You’ll probably die.
When speaking to our emotional self, it can be very helpful to personify it, thereby seeing it as separate entity. It is especially effective to see it as a young child who is in need of our care. This makes what we are inwardly saying seem more real and makes us realize how exceptionally cruel we are in being able to attack a child. It is particularly shocking to see that we are capable of doing this to our own vulnerable, trusting, inner child — the same child that has given us its emotional support throughout our lifetime.
Even though we may envision ourselves as kind, loving individuals, we need to honestly take note of how viciously we speak to ourselves. We need to familiarize ourselves with our aggressive drive — what it feels like, what it sounds like, and how it expresses itself through our behaviors. Typically, it will be critical, sarcastic, impatient, demanding, withholding, unforgiving, mean, hateful, sadistic, violent, and/or downright murderous. It loves punishment and revenge. It can be gleeful and satisfied in the face of another’s misfortune. It can express itself directly out in the open or passively under the cloak of innocence. Our aggressive drive is appropriate when facing danger or defending ourselves, but it is not appropriate in dealing with our inner child.
Assuming that we can keep our aggressive drive in check, it can be very helpful to have opportune conversations with the emotional self. If we are anxious, these conversations should be soothing, encouraging, and reassuring. They can also be conversations that bring new, salient information. Perhaps we will present a plan of action to the emotional self that will help matters. At the very least, we will show it that we are working diligently to figure things out. We might let it know that we are a team. Perhaps we will simply remind the emotional self of that which we do not control and refocus it on what can be controlled. Similarly, we may refocus it on all of our blessings.
When dealing with anxiety and/or depression, under no circumstances should we give ourselves frightening, dismal, predictive messages about our prospects for survival. We can acknowledge a bad situation that we are currently in, but need to reassure the emotional self that everything possible is being done and will continue to be done to address it. Then we need to be sure to do so. In these situations, we need to remind the emotional self of things like the low probability of something bad actually happening and that even if the worst happens, we will work together diligently to improve on the worst.
If we are depressed, our conversations should be ones that commiserate and validate feelings by agreeing that “Yes, So and- So is the biggest jerk on the planet.” We can also agree that whatever happened was definitely not fair (even if we know that life is not fair). We must clearly inform our emotional self that he/she is not the one at fault. Rather, we can take responsibility for not having processed its feelings in a correct and/or timely manner. We can take responsibility for having been lost in our own victim consciousness and having failed to deliver messages of truth and hope. We can admit to the reality that we are neither omniscient nor omnipotent; we are simply human and prone to mistakes. If nobody is particularly at fault, we can at least establish a sympathetic bond and muddle through together.
When necessary, our conversations should be apologetic for saying and doing some of the terrible things we have. We should make it clear that we are sorry we have subjected our emotional self to so much pain, scared it so many times, and been such a poor caregiver. We must let it know that we are so sorry we have been abusive and that we have expected so much from it when we could not even be bothered to hear its cries. We must apologize for abandoning it and vow to never leave it again.
Even though we do need to sometimes commiserate with the emotional self, we have to also maintain the strength of the parental role. Like any child that needs structure from someone older and wiser, the emotional self needs us to provide it. Consequently, it needs statements of leadership, clarity, strength, and wisdom. We must speak to it from this position.
Sometimes challenges must be made to the emotional self to shake it out of its defeated victim position. We have to remind it that the two of us are not quitters — that giving up is not what we do. It is like we are delivering a reality check to the emotional self. Our emotional self may be wallowing around in the illusion of weakness, victimhood, and failure, but this has nothing to do with what we know it is capable of. We know because we have seen it rise to a challenge many times before. At present, it has simply lost its way, and we need to bring it home immediately.
When we get very depressed or anxious, it is almost like we are in a daze. We live in a constant state of self-loathing and/ or apprehension with an ongoing torrent of negative self-talk streaming all the time. We lose any semblance of strength. In fact, we do not even realize that we are so fully lost in this state until serious, focused, positive self-talk starts to happen.
Because of this, when speaking to the emotional self, it is best to concentrate deeply and be extremely resolute in what we are saying. We cannot just make a quick statement and then quit. We need determination and tenacity. We need laser-like communication. This need not be a pressuring event where instantaneous results are expected, but it does need to be one that carries clear intention. Our communication to the emotional self can be nothing more than letting it know that every time it drops back into futility, we will be there to drag it back to hopefulness. This in itself can be quite helpful.
Some people like to talk to the emotional self through the saying or writing of affirmations, which are positive, affirming statements about oneself and one’s life. These can be wonderful; however, they must be done in a serious and focused manner. We need to think of our statements to the emotional self as going somewhere and as being received. It is like throwing a baseball and paying close attention to the follow-through. We cannot just talk aimlessly. We need focused intention here.
Sometimes the emotional self will reject new thought processes/affirmations if they seem too fantastic to believe. It gets the impression that we are lying to it. We can repeat our affirmations all day long, and the emotional self will say, “Yeah, right!” In such cases, our affirmations need to be moderated to be in the range of believability. This is fine; we can always work our way up.
The emotional self does not realize that when new patterns of thinking are introduced (as with affirmations), new neurological pathways are formed that reflect the new thought process. We are physically altered to think more positively and thus feel more hopeful even if the old, unused pathways still remain. We need not be stuck with old ways of thinking and feeling because our brains have plasticity and can be molded to new ways of being.
Affirmations are less acceptable to the emotional self when we have not first listened to its feelings and allowed them room to move. It does not allow anything positive when all the negative feeling it is holding is as yet unheard. However, once there has been a sympathetic ear lent to the emotional self, it will make room for new thought. Then it will start to feel better.
Here are a few things that are helpful to tell our emotional self:
We’re going to be okay.
We’re safe and secure.
Change can be good. Let’s give it a chance.
Let’s not take this personally. Others say and do things that are mostly all about themselves.
Our first loss is our best loss. Let’s accept it and move on to the next thing.
Life is cyclical. There’s never a winter that isn’t followed by a spring.
We can tolerate our feelings. People don’t die from uncomfortable feelings.
Let’s step back and pause for a moment. Feelings are transitory; they can’t stay at a high level of intensity forever.
Anxiety is just a high level of adrenaline. It’s nothing to be scared of.
Let’s try to see things differently.
We’re going to start asking for what we want or need because others can’t read our minds.
Sorry I frightened you with a bunch of scary thoughts.
We don’t have to control everything in order to be okay.
We have great creative powers.
I’ll help you with any concerns you might have.
Together we can make excellent decisions for our future. We’re a great team.
Don’t worry. I’ll give you a say. You’ll always be heard.
Let’s see if we can turn your outrage into a constructive plan.
Don’t worry. I won’t let you go off half-cocked. I won’t let you look bad. I won’t let you undermine yourself.
We have to determine if whatever we are about to do or say is going to help us reach our goal in this matter.
I know my thoughts are only part of the equation. I need your input as well.