THE ACTUAL SELF, THE IDEALIZED SELF, AND THE REVILED SELF
In this chapter we will explore the characteristics of the actual self, the idealized self, and the reviled self. We will also take a look at how the discrepancies between them serve as a portal for self-attack as set forth by Dr. Theodore Isaac Rubin. 1
The actual self is our authentic self, complete with both strengths and weaknesses. The idealized self is our embellished self. It is who we either think we are or hope to be in the future. The reviled self is the hated version of self. Any time there is a discrepancy among these three versions of self, there is an opportunity for self-attack.
The idealized self usually involves outrageously high expectations, unrealistic goals, dreams of glorious success, visions of perfection, illusions about our capabilities, and inner mandates about how things should be done. It presupposes that we are above the human condition and incapable of a bad decision. The idealized self is fraught with arrogance and has been termed by Karen Horney as a “pride system.”2 The idealized self holds much potential for self-hate because no human being can live up to it and because other people cannot consistently give us what we need to keep our inflated illusion of self going.
Despite its over-inflated nature, the idealized self is not always experienced as arrogant or prideful. It can simply feel like a pressure to succeed, to live up to our potential, or to fulfill others’ expectations of us. It can also be experienced as an effort to be godly, a compulsive striving for perfection, or an obligation to put ourselves last. We sometimes even experience our “pride system” to be a good thing.
However we experience it, the scope and intensity of the idealized self is too broad and too intense for inner peace to exist. It is such a departure from reality that true joy in any achievement is impossible. It counters the actual self, which allows true happiness in the achievement of our goals and makes it entirely possible to strive for our best without being compulsive.
If we are to keep self-attack at bay, we must strive to stay as closely aligned as possible with the actual self. It does not matter at all what the actual self contains. It only matters that we claim the actual self as our own true self and that we always strive to give it care and comfort. Any movement away from it is a movement toward self-hate.
The gap between the actual self and the idealized self tends to create great anxiety — the wider the gap, the greater the anxiety. This is because the escalating fear of exposure becomes overwhelming. There is just too much to protect and too much at stake to ever relax. As a result, we sentence ourselves to an ongoing state of trepidation and vulnerability.
It is also possible to have a discrepancy between the actual self and the reviled self. The reviled self is a hated version of the self that is experienced as an unworthy failure. It is always the weak one, the one at fault, the one that is never good enough, the one that does not deserve much. It represents all of the parts of self that we dislike, that we judge, and that we deny the opportunity to move.
The gap between the actual self and the reviled self presents a more direct form of self-hate than the gap between the actual self and the idealized self. With the former, the actual self is constantly under siege — not to perform brilliantly, but to take anything good for itself in the face of unyielding self-denigration. We have an ongoing struggle to trust ourselves and to see ourselves as having value. Nothing that is done is ever good enough and no credit is ever received.
The reviled self represents not only our neuroses, but also our tendencies toward masochism. It can be used to reduce expectations, prevent criticism, avoid choosing a better path for us, undo unacceptable thoughts and feelings, and provide penance for supposed inner and outer infractions. It denies the actual self an opportunity to use its strength to speak up, step out, and make a good life for itself.
The gap between the actual self and the reviled self also creates an exposure factor. We do not fear that we will be found to be lesser than the image we protect, but that we will be unveiled as the loathsome, fully unacceptable person we think we are. This alone would make it worth our while to unearth our supposedly unacceptable parts and meet them with compassion. Nothing need be reviled if it is met with gentle observation, empathy, and understanding.
Despite the fact that the actual self/reviled self version of disparate selves presents a different kind of dilemma than does the actual self/idealized self version, it is still a deviation from the reality of the actual self. It is still falseness rather than realness. Even though at opposite polarities, both versions of actual versus something- other-than-actual are forms of self-hate birthed and kept alive by an inner self-attacker who simply cannot abide authenticity.
In reality, all of these selves are but aspects of our psyche. Yet it can be very helpful to work with them separately so that we can get a better idea of how we invite self-attack. The bottom line is that whether we are overinflating ourselves to protect our vulnerabilities or denigrating ourselves to reduce expectations, deflect criticism, and punish the self for having weaknesses, both positions are departures from loving acceptance of the actual self.