Although anxiety can arise from a variety of sources, it is being included in the section of this book that focuses on self-attack. This is because some anxiety is a direct result of self-attack and some, although indirectly related, generates a painful onslaught to the self that is an assault in its own right.
Anxiety is an emotional state that is characterized by excessive worry, uneasiness, uncertainty, and apprehension. It is partially a physiological phenomenon and partly a psychological one. It is physiological in that it involves disturbed breathing, increased heart activity, vasomotor changes (sweating, flushing), and musculoskeletal disturbances (trembling, paralysis). It is psychological in that it involves an emotional state characterized by the following: 1
a feeling of powerlessness to do anything about a particular matter;
a feeling of foreboding that danger is impending and almost inevitable;
a tense, exhausting state of alertness;
an apprehensive self-absorption that stands in the way of effective problem solving;
an irresolvable doubt about the nature of the upcoming danger;
an irresolvable doubt about the probability that the upcoming danger will emerge;
an irresolvable doubt over the best way to reduce or eradicate the upcoming danger;
an irresolvable doubt about whether or not one has the personal capacity to reduce or eradicate the upcoming danger.
Anxiety is different from fear, which lacks the fourth and fifth characteristics on the list above. Anxiety is typically more about danger that is unreal, imagined, or undefined, thereby interfering with problem solving. Fear is about a real, defined, threatening danger which lends itself more to problem solving.
In managing anxiety it can be very helpful to determine whether or not our apprehensive feeling is indeed about something real or if our minds are simply playing tricks on us. If our feeling turns out to be about something real, then we can identify it as a bona fide fear. This allows us to ascertain the upcoming threat, learn about it as much as possible, strategize to determine upcoming moves and countermoves, and shore up our areas of weakness. In other words, we can prepare a plan. All of this can give us a better sense of control, minimize our self-absorbed obsessing, and open the door to effective problem solving.
Facing a legitimate fear grants us access to our warrior mode. In this mode we can take charge and do whatever is necessary to prepare for the battle. It is an active, preparatory mode that does not intend to let us be sitting ducks. It can be something simple like taking a prep course to correct an area of deficiency, studying or practicing diligently, hurricane preparedness, or rehearsing a speech. It might be something complex like working with an attorney about a lawsuit, overhauling a business plan, or preparing a military strategy. Whatever the case, it involves full acknowledgment of the problem, thoughtful planning, and then corrective or defensive action.
Anxiety is a tougher nut to crack than fear because we do not know what to prepare for, and even if we did know, we are too busy obsessing to do anything about it. To make matters worse, our minds can convince us of almost anything. However, it is possible to start getting a handle on our anxiety if we can determine where it is originating. Once we know where it is originating, we can get to work in the right area. To this end, here is a list below of ten areas in which anxiety can originate.
The first area to be considered has to do with one of our earliest stages of development. Specifically, it has to do with whether or not we have matured beyond the symbiotic stage with our primary love objects (usually our parents) and moved on to create a separate sense of self. When we have developed a separate sense of self, this is called individuation. If we have not individuated sufficiently to create a separate self, we remain dependent, and dependency can be a major source of anxiety.
The more dependent we are, the more anxious we tend to be. This is because when we are dependent on someone, we are at that person’s mercy. We are reliant on that person’s awareness, attunement, and good will to supply us with our need fulfillment. This sort of situation can be unusually bad when the other person is self-absorbed, addicted, ill-equipped, naïve, mentally ill, unpredictable, untrustworthy, lacking in resources, etc.
It can be tempting to remain merged with our original love objects, for this can be a comforting place, but it can also be a frightening place as it affords us no sovereignty and no control over our own lives. This lack of control fuels anxiety. We need the autonomy individuation provides so that we can be self-governing and make the best choices for our self.
This does not mean that we should develop an exaggerated sense of independence in which we eschew any sort of reliance on another. We can take pleasure in having another to rely on. It is simply to say that reliance on someone else cannot be our only source of strength. We should always have our own strengths in place so that we can take care of our own needs.
When taking stock of our level of dependency, it is important to be aware of the fact that we all have dependency needs. These include our basic needs for safety, nourishment, shelter, love, and connection. We should not berate ourselves for having them. It is only when we find ourselves depending too much on others to fulfill these needs that we should be concerned.
Over-reliance on others is a big generator of separation anxiety, the fear of being separated from our caregiver or home. It is characterized by a dread of deprivation and/or death. It can be terrorizing for the un-individuated person. However, the more we are able to develop a separate sense of self, the better able we are to care for ourselves and thus experience less anxiety about our own survival.
Individuation takes place gradually and in stages; it is not an either/or thing. Thus we may be independent in some areas and remain dependent in others. Perhaps we have become aware of our own likes and dislikes, our own opinions, and our own feelings, but are not yet able to stand firm on certain issues.
In order to lessen our anxiety, we need to individuate to the point that we have developed the ability to resolutely say no, i.e., to set personal boundaries for ourselves. If we do not have our boundaries in place, anybody can do anything to us because we have no means to stop him or her. We do not have limits. We do not have a line over which others may not cross.
It has been said that being in this state is like being in a room that has a door on either side. There are doorknobs on the outside of both doors. Anybody can come or go from the outside and do anything to us he or she wants. However, there are no door knobs on the inside. There is no way for us to leave. We must stay and put up with whatever happens.
If we want to stay out of such a place, we must determine where we have no more ground to give and then follow it up. We do not wait for others to hear us or understand us or stop what they are doing. We set a limit for our self. We do whatever we have to do to make our lives better. We stop rescuing others. We do not enable addiction. We do not put up with abuse. We figure out how to make our own way. We may even have to leave.
Lack of individuation and the limited or nonexistent personal boundaries that accompany it can give rise to a deep anxiety about relating closely to others; we can become downright avoidant regarding emotional intimacy and commitment. The dynamic here is that if we merge with another without a strong sense of self, we will not be able to reemerge intact. There is the thought that we will somehow end up being controlled, devoured, used, abused, or discounted. We will lose all of our ability to stand firm as individuals and be swept away, or we will be relegated to being satellites that merely orbit the main planet (the person with whom we are merged). All in all, closeness and intimacy are a dangerous proposition for us.
Fear of merger can be a particular danger for us when we are feeling especially needy and know that we will most likely put up with more than we should. Our need will overpower our resolution to maintain self-care. We will do too much, give too much, love too much, and not speak up enough. It can be a tough call when we are finally getting some of our needs met, yet if we do not stand up for ourselves, we will end up consistently fearing our loved ones as much as we care about them. Worse yet, we may not be able to forge close relationships at all.
A second cause of anxiety is repressed anger or repressed grief. When these feelings reside outside of our awareness, they can cause or contribute to panic attacks, obsessive-compulsive behaviors, phobias, hoarding, and generalized anxiety to name a few. The outrage and/or anguish that we carry unbeknownst to us makes us shake, quiver, worry, and obsess. Sometimes it makes us feel like we cannot breathe and are going to die. Our feelings of anger and grief are trying very hard to enter our consciousness where they can be acknowledged, understood, and released, but until this occurs, we will continue to have anxiety symptoms.
We all know what it is like to be full of acknowledged outrage about an event or interaction (almost to the point that we are trembling) and then later experience the deep relief and relaxation of having verbalized our fury and gotten it all out. This is a similar dynamic to that of releasing repressed anger and/or grief, only here we first have to acknowledge that there is something present to be gotten out. Unfortunately, as long as repression (a form of forgetting) is in play, whatever we need to express will remain out of our consciousness and therefore cannot find expression.
Unexpressed anger and grief are not only present in painful situations that we refuse to acknowledge. Sometimes when there has been a painful loss or upsetting event, we can intellectually acknowledge it or even acknowledge the feelings involved, but we are not yet able to tolerate experiencing those feelings. Instead, we think about our losses and the feelings that may accompany them in a detached manner. Here we are not repressing our feelings, but we are defending against our feelings through the use of intellect, which can result in symptoms of anxiety. In these cases of intellectualization, anxiety will be present because of all the anger and grief that has not yet been experienced and expressed. Enforced losses such as death, loss of a job, or loss of a relationship entail so much loss of attachment, so much grief, and so much anger that it can take time to process it all. When we do get through processing it, however, our anxiety will abate.
We can find blessed relief from these anxiety disorders if we simply get honest with ourselves about how a given situation or relationship is impacting us. This can be very difficult to do when the stakes are high (marriage, job, death, etc.). Much of the time we do not let ourselves know just how upset and/or unhappy with really are. We want to protect the status quo, yet as long as we do not challenge it (if only within ourselves), our dishonesty will cause us deep anxiety.
A third cause of anxiety is sexual longing that cannot find expression. This is present not just because a biological urge has been thwarted, but also because there can be a sense of helplessness, loneliness, depression, and self-loathing that accompanies the inability to find an appropriate partner. Inevitably there is tremendous anger, bitterness, and heartache that sets in if the situation does not improve. When not processed correctly, all this can result in anxiety.
In situations like this the use of sublimation can be helpful. This is when we direct our energies into other areas that may not be as fully satisfying as sexual contact, but can provide satisfaction to a large degree. This can be any activity that we love to engage in or that leaves us feeling connected to something meaningful. It is a redirection of our creative sexual energy to other creative endeavors.
Of course, in such cases there should also be a shoring up of social skills as well as an exploration of several issues such as fear of intimacy, fear of commitment, self-sabotaging tendencies, religious dictates, fear of failure, or impeding personality traits.
A fourth cause of anxiety is when the psyche is overwhelmed by too great an influx of stimuli that cannot be discharged or mastered.2 This can be stimuli originating from either within or without. If it is a stimulus originating from within, this is usually coming from the id (the fully unconscious part of the psychic apparatus that is unrestrained in its drives). Since the id works on the pleasure principle, it is constantly urging us to engage in whatever would satiate us at the moment without regard for the conscious self that would like to make more appropriate choices. This can be conflictual and overwhelming at times, but if we have a kindhearted understanding of the nature of the id and a good grasp on the choices we consciously want to make, it should not present too much of a problem.
If too many anxiety-producing stimuli are originating from the outer world rather than our inner world, we are obligated to reconsider our external environment. Perhaps we need to change what we are exposing ourselves to whether that involves changing friends, changing our relationship status, changing our work environment, or changing our forms of entertainment. There are so many ways that we can reduce our exposure to irritating stimuli even if it is as simple as putting our phones down. We can also surround ourselves with soothing colors, listen to soothing music, pare down our to-do lists, turn off the television, and stop following the daily news. The possibilities are endless.
A fifth source of anxiety is the superego (the part of our psychic apparatus that acts as a judge, arbiter of right and wrong, the conscience). This part of us is the voice of our parents, teachers, religious figures, and society that we have taken in as our own. It dictates if we have or have not erred and punishes us if it thinks we have. It demands that we make amends for what we have supposedly done. Its favorite thing to do is to punish us with guilt or shame, which results in a loss of self-esteem.
The superego can be extremely punitive or rather benign depending on how the voices of our parents, teachers, religious figures, and society came to us in our youth. If they were harsh, our superegos will be critical and unforgiving. If they were kind and understanding, our superegos will be benevolent and altruistic. Unfortunately, many of us have rather harsh superegos and as a result, carry around a good deal of anxiety over whatever punitive pronouncements and severe punishments may come at any time.
It can be very difficult to carry around an abusive inner law enforcement official who seems to be looking for our every infraction. Self-attack can run rampant with this dynamic in play. Here it becomes very important to see the superego for exactly what it is, the hypercritical voice of people who knew little to nothing about compassion and self-love. Once we understand this, we can discount much of what it has to say, retaining only that which we deem reasonable. This alone will reduce our anxiety and keep our self-esteem bolstered.
Once again, the observing self comes to our rescue as we stand apart from the superego and observe its behaviors in a dispassionate way. Once we have surveyed the superego and taken notes, we can make our own moves to protect ourselves from self-punishment, thus keeping our anxiety to tolerable levels.
A sixth source of anxiety is the gap between the idealized self and the actual self. This leads to the pursuit of unrealistic goals, impossible standards of perfection, and absurd expectations. This subject has already been covered at length earlier in the book, but suffice it to say that the more we demand of ourselves and the less we acknowledge being human, the higher our anxiety level will be.
Moreover, by holding superhuman standards for ourselves, we relegate ourselves to continually having to protect our overinflated, narcissistic image, hoping against hope that no one will be able to unmask us. We live in the secret fear that someone may come along and see the truth: that we do not actually have perfect control of everything in our lives. They might also see that we are secretly weak and empty and in need of constant bolstering. In substituting an image for a real self, we also relegate ourselves to never achieving true fulfillment, since pouring our efforts into an image cannot provide fulfillment. Only nourishment of the actual self can provide that.
A seventh cause for anxiety is when we anticipate the recurrence of a traumatic situation that has taken place in the past; we become anxiously hypervigilant, girding ourselves ahead of time in the event that the original trauma may recur. This sort of preventive readiness is sometimes called signal anxiety and is learned in the course of our childhood development. Perhaps we are anticipating a lack of sensitivity, connection, and need fulfillment. Perhaps we are expecting abandonment, disapproval, emotional withdrawal, erratic behavior, or punishment. The list is long.
Generally speaking, however, in our earliest, most dependent stage of development, anticipatory anxiety is usually centered around the potential loss of a life-sustaining love object (separation anxiety). When we are a bit older, our anxiety centers not around the possibility that we cannot live without our love object(s), but the possibility of the loss of their love, particularly if we do not perform up to their standards. Later on our anticipatory anxiety revolves around a fear of punishment, particularly if there is competition for the affections of our love object. This is sometimes termed castration anxiety. After that our anticipatory anxiety becomes more internal than external as we come to anticipate the wrath of our own superego.
All of these possibilities for anxiety involve leaving our present moment as we move into an anticipatory mode. It is best to remain squarely present as much as possible in order to counter this movement into the future. In order to stay present, we can employ the use of breathing techniques, pay close attention to our sensory experience of the present moment, or be mindful of each thing that comprises our present moment. We can also use our power of observation to note that we are beginning to tense up and that there is no threatening stimulus on the horizon. We can also do some family of origin work (work on issues regarding our biological or adoptive family) in which we process some of our childhood traumas so that they do not remain fully charged and present such an ongoing danger to us.
An eighth source of anxiety is a lack of control of our inner and/or outer environment. Usually these two are connected, for when our external environment is out of control, we tend to become inwardly out of control. Once our inner environment gets out of control, we feel like we are fragmenting or disintegrating, which is tremendously frightening to us. We become deeply alarmed over the possibility of not having our needs met. We dread not having options and choices. We are terrified that we cannot function as we normally do. We cannot concentrate, think rationally, remember anything, complete tasks, or make effective decisions. Perhaps all we can do is cry or shake or curl up in a ball while we await annihilation. We certainly cannot make our way in life as we once did.
Once things become this bad, medication is usually indicated along with a serious course of therapy. The medication helps stabilize us so we can start getting a handle on how to problem-solve whatever is going on within our lives. It also gives us the opportunity to determine whether or not our decompensated state (nonfunctional state) has more to do with how we are attacking our self or with whatever is happening in our outer environment. Eventually we can devise a plan of action and carry it through. If losses are involved, we will probably have a lot of anger and grief to process, and we will need to work with the concept of acceptance. We will also have to reconnect to our own strengths. We may even have to reinvent ourselves or construct an entirely new way of life.
If we are not terribly decompensated, all of this can be done without medication. It is just a matter of getting ahead of our morbid ruminations by separating ourselves from them through observation. Then we can effectively see them and challenge them. It is about confronting ourselves to think about things differently, perceive things differently, and a refusal to succumb to hopelessness. In other words, it is about our willingness to tell ourselves a different story rather than the despairing one we have thus far told ourselves. As always, we must first do the inner work of processing our feelings, but after that it is vital that we pay close attention to whether or not we are using our thought processes to our detriment or our advantage.
Anxiety about a lack of control is usually connected to fear of loss. We may be losing our house, our job, our relationship, our financial solvency, our youth, our relevancy, or our health, to name a few. All are deeply terrorizing. However, once we have fought the good fight and done whatever we can to forestall our losses, we must work to embrace reality rather than continue to fight against it. Once the milk is spilt, it cannot be gotten back. This recognition of the futility of struggle against the inevitable will help us stop needlessly thrashing about.
We may not be able to stem the tide of loss or bring back that which is already lost, but we do have control of how we deal with our losses. We do control our self-talk, our attitudes, our level of self-care, our observation of self, our thoughts, our interpretations, our appreciation of things that remain, our spiritual practices, our level of humility, our unrealistic expectations, our degree of patience, and our efforts to rebuild. In these regards we have much that we still can either control or influence. It is simply that these areas of control reside within rather than without.
Whenever there is loss, there is also the need for adjustment. How we adjust or fight against adjustment determines our stress levels and our psychological and physiological states. Sometimes it is easier to adjust to a given situation than it is at other times depending on how fatigued we are and how emotionally burdened we are from the presence of multiple stressors or prolonged stressors. When we do have multiple or prolonged stressors, we must be particularly kind to ourselves as we attempt to grieve our losses and adapt to our new reality. In this process, it is of the utmost importance that we not succumb to illusions of superhuman functioning. We do not need self-attack on top of all that has happened to begin with. Truly, there is no one who controls the universe, no matter how good, how spiritual, how loving, how smart, or how competent he or she is.
A ninth source of anxiety has to do with the displacement of unacceptable impulses (usually sexual or aggressive impulses) onto an external object. This external object symbolically represents either a temptation generated by a forbidden impulse or a punishment for this temptation. The object here is to get rid of our supposedly unacceptable impulses by transferring them elsewhere outside the self. However, this does not work, as the emotional charge that was once attached to our inner impulse is now attached to the external object. As a result, we now proceed to react to the external object with high anxiety, dread, and avoidance. Voilà! A phobia has been born.
Here are a few examples of phobias arising from our forbidden, aggressive impulses. Let’s assume that we have high levels of unacceptable rage toward our partners, who are abusive. At times we wish that we could get rid of them. This is a tempting but unacceptable impulse, so instead of acknowledging it and choosing to keep our behaviors in check, we may project our aggressive impulses onto a symbolic object that could “maim” or “murder” these offending parties. This could be broken glass, knives, or firearms. It could be pillows for smothering them, windows to throw them out of, rope for strangling them, a car to run them over, or big animals to attack them. The homicidal possibilities are endless. Whatever we end up choosing as a symbolic representation of our aggressive impulses will be deeply feared and avoided.
It must be said that our aggressive impulses, which we are so keen to disown, are usually temporary and have no serious basis in reality. When we speak of “murderous” impulses or a wish to “get rid” of someone, we are not really going to kill or get rid of that person. We may want to send an offending party to the moon for a while or feel for a moment that we can wring his or her neck. We may even want to “cartoon” kill the wrongdoer where he or she pops right back up, but that is about it. So all this displacing of “unacceptable” impulses is quite unnecessary. It is only seething, long-held, unacknowledged or unexpressed rage that is a danger.
In cases where we have had the urge to “kill,” self-punishment is usually close on its heels. In fact, death phobias can arise as a punishment for having had “death” wishes for another. Perhaps we do not wish to “kill” someone, but just injure that person. In these instances we may develop a phobia tied to anything that can injure us.
The displacement of aggressive impulses primarily aimed toward our self can also result in a phobia. For instance, if we feel suicidal, we may displace our self-attacking impulses onto bridges from which we might fall, horses that might trample us, water that may drown us, or ski lifts from which we might plunge.
When our unacceptable impulses have to do with our sexual drive, we manage to displace them onto symbolic objects that terrorize us in exactly the same way as do our aggressive drives. Here are a few examples of phobias that are generated by our forbidden sexual impulses. Our passionate, “animal-like” sexual drive may be represented as a phobia of small creatures such as insects, spiders, and snakes. A fear of touching things like a doorknob that is believed to be dirty can represent our fear of touching ourselves (masturbation) or touching others (sexual contact). A phobia of dirty restrooms can also represent erotic temptations that we believe to be “dirty” temptations.
Not all phobias involve unacceptable drives and impulses. They may have less extreme underpinnings and simply represent a disowned feeling that we carry. However, they will still involve symbolic displacement. For example, if we feel like we have been deeply controlled, truncated, and cut off from every avenue we wish to pursue, we may feel mutilated in some way, as if we have had valuable parts of ourselves disallowed or excised. If we need to avoid awareness of the fact that we feel mutilated or dismembered, we may displace these feelings on amputees who will now symbolically represent our own feelings of dismemberment and mutilation. Then we will feel deep, phobic anxiety and a wish to elude amputees.
If we feel deeply consumed (used up or taken over) by the demands of another individual, we may develop a phobia symbolizing being consumed or eaten up, such as a cancer phobia. This fear of consumption also could result in a phobia about impregnation, being poisoned, or being infected. If we are dealing with demanding children, needy spouses, overly involved parents, or insistent bosses, all of whom devour us, we may also develop an unreasonable fear of anything that can take us over such as doctors, hospitals, needy people, intimate relationships, sloppy kisses, sick people, or big breasts.
If we feel out of control, vulnerable, and powerless, we may become phobic about flying since only the pilot is in control during flight. If we feel overly regulated, restricted, or trapped, we may become phobic about tight clothes, close quarters, elevators, or demanding authority figures. If we feel weak, defenseless, or marginalized, we may become phobic about aged individuals or homeless individuals.
Obviously, some of these phobias are easier to trace back to their source than others, but whatever the case, the remedy for our phobias is to reel our feelings back into ourselves and fully claim them. Nothing within us is so unacceptable that we cannot face it. In fact, much within us could be healed if we would face our original feelings and impulses. If we can do this, then an important part of ourselves will become known, welcomed, and integrated as a vital part of self.
A tenth source of anxiety is negative self-talk. Self-talk refers to the way that we are inwardly talking to ourselves. Negative self-talk occurs when we speak to ourselves in a disparaging way. Our self-talk is related to the kind of thoughts that we hold and the way that we interpret our environment. We can hold dreary, frightful thoughts that generate dreary, frightful messages to ourselves. Likewise, we can hold courageous, supportive thoughts that generate messages of self-confidence, bravery, and encouragement. It all comes down to what kind of story we are telling ourselves.
Unfortunately, the emotional self recognizes our voice and believes everything we say. It is already immature, vulnerable, and sensitive, and does not respond well to horror stories about what terrible things are probably going to happen to it. It does not need to hear catastrophic statements. It does not need to hear that the sky is falling and we are all going to die. This is totally counterproductive and unacceptable.
Even though we may not think we are speaking to ourselves in this manner, if we notice that we are experiencing a high level of readiness brought about by high levels of adrenaline within our bodies, we most likely are. Anxiety is simply adrenaline coursing through our bodies, readying us to either fight or take flight based on the information we are giving our emotional self. When we notice an adrenalized state within our bodies, we must immediately look to see what kind of inner messaging is occurring.
Rather than terrorize the emotional self, we need to support it. It will support us, if we will support it. If we do not support it, it can run amok and deluge us with overwhelming anxiety. When the emotional self gets anxious about one thing or another, it is our job to soothe it as we would a child; our self-talk needs to be calming, encouraging, and reassuring. We might also choose to make pronouncements of a positive nature. We can tell it strongly what we intend to do, how we will execute our plan, and how we will prevail.
In the case of serious self-attack such as depression, guilt, or shame, our self-talk is unusually acrid and hateful. It can result in tremendous anxiety about our worth as an individual and as a human being. It can also result in high anxiety about the debilitated state that results from this kind of atrocious self-talk. We cannot feel like we are falling apart and losing the ability to function without feeling deeply anxious about the prospects of our survival. Here we are morally obligated to save our self from our self and move to a more compassionate mode of speaking to ourselves.
Thus far we have identified several methods for overcoming anxiety, most of which involve developing the self and working with our inner processes. Sometimes, however, there are more practical things that can be done to help anxiety. Many of these have been explored by Dale Carnegie in his book, How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. Some of them, in combination with thoughts of my own, are listed below. 3
Ask yourself what the worst thing is that could possibly happen if you cannot solve your problem. Prepare yourself to mentally accept the worst if necessary. Then calmly work to improve on the worst, which you have already accepted.*
View each day as a sealed “day-tight” compartment. Do not get ahead of yourself. Focus on one day at a time.* Better yet, stay focused in the present moment.**
Remember the terrible toll anxiety takes on the body. Ask yourself if losing your health is worth all this worry. Are you willing to die young?*
Analyze your problems. Get the facts. Do not attempt to make a decision or formulate a game plan without the facts. Once you have them, carefully weigh them before you decide what to do.*
When you decide what to do, go into action. Put your energies into implementing your plan without concern about the outcome.*
When you find yourself becoming anxious, ask yourself these questions: What is the problem? What is the cause of the problem? What are all possible solutions? What are the best solutions?*
Keep busy so there is less time to ruminate on worrisome things.*
Do not focus on the small things in life. Keep annoying trifles in their place. Little things should not be allowed to ruin your happiness.*
Use the law of averages. Ask yourself what the odds are that the worrisome event will even happen.*
Accept and cooperate with the inevitable.* Acknowledge what you do not control.**
Institute a stop-loss on your anxieties. Decide how much anxiety a given situation is worth and then refuse to give it anymore.*
Do not try to resurrect what is already gone. “Do not try to saw sawdust.”*
Fill your mind with thoughts of health, hope, peace, and courage.* Thoughts precede physical reality.**
Count your blessings, not your difficulties.* Start a gratitude list to help you stay focused on all that you do have.**
Do not waste time trying to get even with your enemies.* It is draining, time-consuming, expensive, anxiety producing, and can be hurtful to you.**
Do not expect gratitude from others, for it is not the norm.* Do not expect to be heard and understood either, for it happens rarely. This will reduce the amount of anxiety-producing anger that you carry.**
Practice being yourself. Forget image, envy, and imitation.*
Turn lemons into lemonade. Whenever possible, profit from your losses; turn your liabilities into assets.* · Turn your depressive, anxious, inward-moving energy into outward-moving energy by doing something for others.** Take the focus off your own unhappiness and make someone else happy.*
Call on your religious faith or spiritual philosophy if you have one.* Stop trying to understand why something happened. Stop trying to second-guess the universe. If you are spiritually oriented, consider the possibility that this is all part of a larger plan.**
If you are worried about criticism, consider the fact that criticism is oftentimes based on envy or jealously. It is done to level the playing field or make another feel inferior. Others would not bother to criticize you if you were not a contender or a threat to them. Unjust criticism is a compliment of sorts.*
Ignore unjust criticism if you know in your heart that you are right. Do not spend a lot of time trying to pacify or correct others. Get used to the idea that you will be criticized.*
If you have anxiety about criticism, you can take stock of your own shortcomings or ask for honest, helpful, unbiased criticism from a trusted source. This helps you correct your areas of weakness before others even notice them.* This also takes the focus off being perfect and helps you move away from your idealized self.**
Learn to laugh at yourself and at life’s absurdities.** · Rest before you get tired.* Take a break before your efficiency starts to wane. Eat a snack before your blood sugar bottoms out.**
Learn to relax at home, work, or school.* Breathe. Relax your muscles. Rest your eyes. Meditate. Take a walk. Look out the window. Imagine a beautiful scene. Exercise. Repeat an affirmation.**
Develop the following work habits. Clear your desk except for papers relating to what you are working on. Do things in order of their importance. Solve problems right away if you have the facts available to do so. Learn to supervise, deputize, and organize.* Ask for help if necessary. Delegate tasks whenever possible.**
Finish projects so there are not too many things pulling on you from all directions. If you cannot finish some of them, take a few items off the list for a while.**
To avoid worry and fatigue, be enthusiastic about your work.*
Do not worry about insomnia.* Even if all you can do is quietly lie awake in bed, you will achieve a good deal of rest.** Insomnia does not kill you; worrying about it will harm you.*
Have small realistic goals so that you can build success in your life. These can be in service of a larger, overall goal, but the larger goal must be tackled in increments.**
Behave as though the whole world is watching everything you do and say so that you will not live in fear of being exposed or unmasked. Nor will you live in regret, guilt, or shame.**
When times are tough, do not eschew work that is beneath your usual standards of employment. There is honor in work of any kind.**
Live simply and within your means.**
Do not accept a position that is far above your competency level. A challenge is one thing, but signing up for certain failure is another.**
Before you do anything, ask yourself “Am I at peace with this?” If peace eludes you, do not do it.**
Things do not happen to you. Things just happen. The message here is not to take things personally. Do not be concerned that something happened because you are being punished. This is not what is happening.**
*Dale Carnegie
**Stormy Smoleny Ph.D.