The discovery that there is still hope and life after what is sometimes a devastating loss, can be incredibly revitalising. Finding new love after death, divorce or the challenges of single parenting brings a new-found joy and excitement that often shields one from a sometimes-harsh reality. New expectations may serve the elegant purpose of easing previous feelings of grief and loss. It is hard to even glance at reality when one’s head is in the clouds under the dizzying influence of new love; however, a check on expectations is the key to preventing disappointment or further family life loss at a later stage.
‘Looking back now, I can see where we made our mistakes. We were so in love that we thought any problem could be overcome. Reality hit us very hard.’ Shane, who moved in with his girlfriend and her young son and daughter.
‘I wish someone had spoken to me about what to expect.’ Duma, age 36, who moved in with his deceased wife’s best friend Nomsa and her two young children.
There is little preparation for the myriad emotions that often emerge in the process of blending two families. Every family and, for that matter, each person in it, may experience a different blend of feelings. These may range from fear and anxiety to resentment and anger, sadness and grief. It’s equally true, of course, that happiness, contentment and joy are equally likely to be experienced. Many of these emotions can be understood by acknowledging the impact of past family history.
By delving into yourself and exploring what being part of a family means to you, and taking some time to explore and evaluate your underlying belief systems, you will be able to develop a clearer understanding of your expectations of the blended family. Our childhood experiences inform our present value and belief system, and indicate to us which aspects of living in a family we want to replicate and which we want to avoid. Sometimes, more commonly than you might think, we even find ourselves repeating the mistakes our parents may have made, despite our best intentions.
Things sometimes become complicated in a blended family. You may have become accustomed to living in certain ways that have become familiar and acceptable to you, and this habituation may very well have entrenched the patterns you experienced in your family of origin (i.e. the family you lived in as a child). In the next chapter we will explore in more detail the impact that our previous family life can have on our current family circumstances.
Firstly, though, it is important that you investigate, evaluate and compare you and your partner’s present beliefs and family values. If you are able to do so, take some time together with your partner (preferably away from any disturbances) and talk through each of the following questions and what comes to mind as you examine these parenting issues. These discussions may feel awkward at first; perhaps even too late if you have been living as a blended family for a while. However, let’s take the time to start at the beginning and find a way to re-frame our experiences through examining our expectations. It is important that you involve your partner at this point. If they are reluctant, it might be a productive suggestion if you ask them to read the introduction and the first chapter of this book. Hopefully your partner will agree to enter into some discussion about their expectations. As you talk to each other, ensure that you do not enter into debate or argument about any differing opinions. Everyone has their own story. There is no right or wrong. In order to begin to understand their expectations, listen to your partner and acknowledge their perceptions of the situation. They are bound to be different in some ways, perhaps in many ways. There will be time later to work out a mutual compromise around differing beliefs and values.
First try and gain an understanding of how you and your partner see the blended family. Whose needs come first? Yours, your partner’s, or your children’s? Make a note of your answer here:
Can you explain why that is?
Place the following in order of importance for you. The most important components in parenting are:
Which house rules are you absolutely non-negotiable about?
If you have marked one or more of these, what is your absolutely non-negotiable rule?
Do you discipline the children in the way you expected?
Are household chores divided in the way you expected?
Are the household finances being managed in the way that you expected?
Is your relationship with your partner the same as you expected it be?
Are the children turning out as you hoped or expected?
Is someone in the family not taking appropriate responsibility for themselves or others?
Is sometime in the family taking on too much of the family’s responsibility?
How much of an impact do the children’s co-parents have on your relationship?
Describe your present blended family life
Which aspects of it would you like to change?
Which aspects would you like to keep the same?
Describe the most positive thing that each member of the blended family brings to your lives together
Describe the most challenging thing that each member of the blended family brings to your lives together
These questions will in no way generate a comprehensive understanding of how each of you perceives the family. However, by entering into a conversation about these perspectives you will gain a much clearer insight into both your own and your partner’s expectations of the blended family.
If you find that discussing these topics leads to tension or argument, have a look at Chapter 10: Communication and Conflict Resolution, for some useful tips on how to speak to each other with love and acceptance. Remember that each of you is entitled to your own opinions and feelings. Your task is to find a way to integrate your independent viewpoints into a shared and workable vision for your blended family.
Now that we have a better understanding of how each of you perceives the family, we can look at your expectations of what it means to be a member of a blended family and how being in this situation influences your attitude towards yourself and each other.
‘When my ex-husband remarried I was secretly delighted when my children returned home from a weekend away telling me how his new wife was jealous of them, and got angry when their dad gave them attention. After a while, though, I realised she was actually making an effort to be nice to them – buying them gifts, making the food they liked, and planning outings for the kids with their dad. I think my kids wanted to dislike her, and were actually jealous of her at first. I think I was too.’ Akhona, who was prepared to take a challenging look at her expectations after her ex-husband remarried.
Fairy-tales are full of myths about step-parents. Hardly a story or a latest children’s DVD goes by without mentioning a mean and manipulative step-mother or abusive step-father. Modern TV shows more often than not feature an inept absent father, or a vindictive and interfering ex-wife. However, they may also show co-parents (the separated biological parents of the children) living happily near each other and interacting on a daily basis. In the stereotypical world of the silver screen, any problems in the new blended family are minor ones, and are unrealistically managed simply with laughter and humour.
Take some time to consider how you see yourself in your new role and how you expect other people, including the children, to see you. Take an honest look at your own perceptions, and examine which attributes you expect to be present in a typical:
‘I was friends with Tracey before I even got together with her ex-husband. She even encouraged the relationship on the basis of “better the devil you know”. But now I see her totally differently. She seems to be constantly causing trouble for us as a family, and I can’t understand how I even liked her before.’ Melony, aged 41, who married her friend’s ex-husband.
‘I found myself taking on the role of the wicked step-mother as I tried to discipline the children when they came to us in the holidays. Harry is at work all day, and I work from home. I was forced to punish his kids when they were naughty. As a result, I feel as though they hate me.’ Aimée, who married Harry after planning not to have any children of her own.
Your children will have their expectations too. These will be based on their previous experience of family life, and any differences, even if better, may be perceived with disappointment.
‘I was so excited when mom told me she was getting married to my step-dad. At last I was going to belong to a proper family, and would have a dad to walk me down the aisle. Things did not turn out like that, though. They were always fighting about my step-brother, and hardly noticed me. It’s better now that my step-brother went to live with his own mother, but it’s not what I expected.’ Shereen, aged 14.
‘Now I know what it’s been like for my best friend since his mom got married again. I never thought my mom would get a boyfriend. Now suddenly she is all happy. I don’t want a step-dad; they ruin everything.’ Timothy, aged 11.
We can never know how our children will respond to being part of a new blended family.
Sometimes expectations of how things will be are played out with alarming accuracy, or one’s preconceived ideas of how things will be can be trashed as reality hits home. Your child needs a safe place to express any fears and expectations that they may have, as well as time for reflection on how things are working out for them as time goes by.
‘Just before I married again, my child’s teacher asked my son to draw a picture of his new family. He drew a shell with two other shells inside it. We have framed it and put it up on our kitchen wall.’ Janet, mother of Amon.
This remarkably sensitive little boy found a way to express how he saw his new family-to-be: two separate families, but still part of a whole. It would be interesting to see whether his insightful perception has changed over time.
If you are yet to embark on new relationship, or are in the process of doing so, spend some time talking through how your child imagines things will be, and continue the conversation as you blend your families. If you are already part of a blended family, it is still not too late to explore any fears and/or expectations your child may have experienced, and so to see whether things have turned out as you or they expected, or whether they’ve been very different.
And now let’s have a look at one of the most common expectations that a blended family has.
The need to ‘rescue or be rescued’ is a familiar theme which drives the coming-together of a blended family. This is the situation where, often, one or more members of the family is unconsciously motivated by the prospect of solving a problem for one or more of the family members.
For example, a woman meets a single dad who has two children who have been abandoned by their mother. She feels needed and loved, and jumps head-first into a demanding situation. In another example, a hardworking man, finding that his wife and children take him for granted, leaves them to be with a woman with young children who apparently adore him and who depend on him.
Sometimes we labour under the misapprehension that our own problems can be solved by re-creating a new blended family. This can often come unstuck as we discover that our problem-solving was not a panacea and we realise that instead of a solution, we have created new and different problems to solve; problems that cannot necessarily be fixed by ourselves alone.
‘I really encouraged my mother to start dating as soon as my parents got divorced, and when she met Matt I kept going on about how she should get married. She was lonely on her own, and I wanted to get on with my own life. But it only lasted two years, and my little step-sister apparently still cries for us. I thought that mom and Matt getting married would make everyone happy.’ Andrea, aged 17.
This teenage daughter feels ‘stuck’ with the responsibility of an abandoned mother. She expected that a new husband would take away all her mother’s problems, but ended up still feeling responsible for her mother’s well-being. This teenager needs to hear that she is not responsible for any decisions her mother makes about her own marriage and divorce.
‘I felt so sorry for Marie and her beautiful kids. Their father wanted nothing to do with them, and it felt so good to come in and take his place. They all loved me so much, and I got the family I have always wanted. But now I can’t handle all the pressure and responsibility. I feel that Marie just leaves everything for me, and that I’m the only parent. I didn’t think it would be like this.’ David, aged 55.
This step-father got more than he bargained for when he took on the responsibility of Marie and her children. His boundaries were not clear, and what seemed to be exciting and fun at first now feels overwhelming for him. The children have become used to their step-father entertaining them, especially at weekends, but now he feels that he needs some space. Fortunately, Marie was able to see in time how she had been taking advantage of David’s generosity, and began to take more responsibility for her children.
When our plans go awry and things don’t work out as we planned, it is all too easy to blame someone else for the demise of the relationship. Very often, however, it is more helpful to take a look at the role we ourselves have played in setting up the present scenario. Only when we can be honest with ourselves, and with each other, about our preconceived perceptions, as well as our fears and expectations, can we start to move towards creating a more realistic platform for shaping the blended family.
Whatever has driven or motivated the decisions we made in the past, we now have a responsibility to honour the commitments we have made and start to work towards dealing with our challenges in the most productive way possible.
While we are exploring our expectations and what we want to happen, it can be useful to also examine what we do not want to happen. In our attempts to develop relationships that match our expectations, we may be avoiding some of the important realities that keep rearing their heads:
‘I didn’t want to be like their father, who was always drinking, and who often hit them. I loved playing cricket with the boys and spoiling them. I had such a good relationship with them until they became teenagers. Suddenly, I found myself having to say ‘no’ to them, and just as suddenly I was accused of ‘not being their father’. Their mom was used to me handling them, and she expects me to be in charge of them. Maybe I should have been a little less easy-going with them when they were younger; then I could be stricter now.’ Stephan, who felt he was failing as a step-parent.
This step-father needs to step back a little and allow the children’s mother to take the lead in disciplining the boys. His job is to support their mother and keep on providing close and loving contact with the boys. The effort he has made with the boys will pay off, and he will have an opportunity to influence decisions the boys make through trusting conversations with them.
‘We wanted to have a relationship in which we both made decisions together about the children, but what happened was that we hadn’t taken into account the fact that both our ex-spouses also had a say in things. My ex-husband and my new husband have very different ideas about schooling. My ex-husband pays the school fees, so I feel like I have to go along with his decision about private schools. Sometimes I feel as though I have to please everyone but myself. I didn’t expect it to be so hard.’ Sue, a mother of two, wants the best for her kids, but is not sure what that is.
We can’t possibly be expected to be prepared for every eventuality. We cannot control every outcome. However, by ensuring that we are as aware as possible about what we expect and what we expect not to happen, as well as what our partner expects and doesn’t expect, we can ensure that we are as prepared as we can possibly be.
What do you fear most about your role as a step-parent?
Perhaps this chapter has raised a lot of feelings, such as disappointment or anger over the fact that things have not worked out as you had planned them to. Or maybe you are encouraged by realising that you are not alone in your feelings, and that it is quite normal to discover that our expectations do not always match our reality.
No one can expect two adults and their children – often from widely disparate backgrounds and/or cultures – to come together and form a blended family without some measure of disappointment, despite the pleasure and joy that the new relationship may also have brought.
The good news is that once we realise that we may be longing for expectations that have not been met, and start to adjust our expectations towards a more realistic reality, we are well on our way to successfully blending the family.