Family-focused TV shows have made communication, or the lack of it, into an art form. Our favourite sitcoms and soapies all operate on the premise that the characters in the show will continually misunderstand each other, be avoidant and sarcastic, be dishonest and blaming, and yet somehow all manage to love and accept each other nevertheless. Unfortunately, in reality, it often doesn’t work out like that!
Your relationship with your partner and your child is experienced through communication – whether verbal or non-verbal; whether directly through interaction or indirectly through physical, emotional and financial support. Our task is to identify which forms of communication enhance our relationships and which are detrimental to them, and adjust them accordingly. Unfortunately, like most things, our lives often settle into patterns and familiar ways of being, without much thought for the different options we have for interacting with the world around us.
When we communicate with our partners, we are either sending a message about factual information, as in ‘The children need to be fetched from school at three o’clock,’ or we are sending a message about how we feel about something. For example: ‘I would love it if you could fetch the children from school at three.’ Or a combination of the two: both factual and feeling messages together, such as ‘The children need fetching from school at three, and I just don’t know how I am going to be able to do it.’
We communicate these messages either directly, e.g. ‘Please can you fetch the children from school today – I have a report to finish, and I’m worried that I won’t have time,’ or indirectly, as in ‘The kids finish school at three, and I have this report to finish. I don’t know how I am going to cope with everything I have to do today.’
Indirect communication masks what we are really saying. It may leave the listener not only confused, but momentarily unable to respond effectively. Many families who use indirect communication in an attempt to avoid conflict or expose difficult feelings unknowingly increase the likelihood of conflict within the family.
Perhaps telling your daughter ‘Only tarts would wear a dress like that,’ really means ‘It concerns me when you go out dressed in such a short dress. I’m worried what the boys might think, and I want to protect you. Please go and change.’ The message that is being received changes from ‘My dad thinks I look like a tart’, to ‘My dad thinks my dress is too short, and he just wants to protect me.’
Likewise, ‘I don’t know why I bother making dinner,’ may mean ‘When your children don’t say thank you for dinner, it makes me feel unappreciated. Please can you ask them to say thank you?’ The message changes from ‘She is resentful about having to cook dinner for me and my kids’ to ‘She is making an effort, and we need to make sure we thank her and show her how much we appreciate it.’
Can you think of any family conversations or arguments you might have had of late where misunderstanding and confusion crept in because one of you was trying to mask what they were really communicating by speaking indirectly about the matter at hand?
What feelings or issues do you think you or your partner were avoiding?
In Chapter 3 (see page 43), we began to discover the impact that our childhood experiences have on our relationships in the here-and-now. Throughout life, each of us has learnt lessons about communication, and some of these lessons may not have been helpful.
For example, there’s the ‘don’t talk about it’ message. As a child, every time something sensitive or contentious has been brought up (dad’s drinking, your brother’s behaviour at school, your aunt’s cancer), it has led to tears and anger. Avoidance of the subject becomes the norm in order to prevent on-going conflict in the family. Everyone can pretend that it is not happening. Secrets develop.
Closely aligned to this message is ‘don’t feel’. Whenever feelings have come into the mix, things have begun to get out of control. For you, as the child, this can be scary and uncontained. Mom cries and leaves the table. Dad shouts and withdraws to the garage. We learn not to express our feelings in order to avoid the feelings they evoke in others. We learn not to trust, to understand that it is OK to express how we feel and ask for help, and instead depend on communicating our needs in indirect and masked ways.
Before we look at how the communication and conflict relationships in your family can be improved, it will be useful to first take a look at what patterns of communication you have been exposed to, and how much of them you may have integrated into your own life.
Let’s have a look at some different communication styles, and begin to identify the different ways in which you might express yourself:
The assertive communicator: This is the person who is able to express themselves confidently. Their sense of self is such that it allows them to communicate their needs; respectfully give or request information; empathetically express their views about something and be heard; successfully request that something be done or changed; manage to alleviate their own discomfort and/or create excitement to relieve any boredom they may be feeling.
When we speak assertively, we are able to communicate our needs while taking equal care of the needs of the person with whom we are communicating. The goal is win-win, and a mutually beneficial result.
‘I know that Brendan can be very irritating at times, but when you criticise my child’s behaviour in front of him it makes me feel very inadequate as a parent. I would prefer it if you would speak to me about his behaviour privately. Is that OK?’
Sadly, we often tend to resort to other forms of communication which usually prove to be ineffective, and so lead to our needs not being adequately met.
The passive communicator: This is the person who prefers to comply and to avoid confrontation. When we remain passive in our communication with others, we virtually ensure that the person with whom we are communicating remains unclear about our needs, knowledge, opinion, intentions or motives. We thus appear to manage to keep the peace, and feel better about ourselves by fooling ourselves and everyone else that all is well, despite any underlying feelings of incongruity we may have. We repress our emotions, and feel that our needs are less important than others.
‘Yes I know, and I’m sorry. I will try and get him to behave better.’
The aggressive communicator: This is the person who forces their opinions onto others, thereby ensuring that their own needs are met, often at the cost of others’ needs. When we communicate aggressively we may get what we want, reinforcing a belief that this is the only way to get our needs met. We learn to move others around to our way of thinking by manipulating them through fear and intimidation; through inducing guilt, or shame, or anger – and even the threat of violence sometimes. Our aggression may be cleverly worded, and may even seem reasonable to those around us.
‘Every time you go on about Brendan like that you are freaking me out! One day I’m going to lose it and do something I regret. Can’t you just learn to deal with him like a step-mother should?’
‘You know I’m doing the best I can. I’ve got so much on my plate at the moment – I just can’t deal with it. You put me under so much pressure. I can’t take it! Just leave me alone!’
The passive-aggressive communicator: This is the person who combines a passive response (does not confront directly), but also manages to attack by being manipulative. When we communicate passive-aggressively, we ensure that we are heard without giving the person with whom we are communicating an honest chance to respond, and thereby avoid the confrontation. Sarcasm is a common form of passive aggression.
‘I suppose you’re saying that your kids are perfect, then?’
‘Here we go again … it’s all me and my kids’ faults, as usual!’
Do you recognise any of the above ways of communicating? Can you describe some typical statements, questions or responses of your own that fall into any of the above communication styles?
And – because you’ll probably enjoy this bit – now describe some of the typical statements, questions or responses that are typical of your partner’s communication style.
We are all likely to use one or more of the above less-helpful communication styles at times. The key is to admit to ourselves that we do have the option to choose healthier styles of communication, and to begin practicing using them.
Our personalities play a large part in determining our ability to communicate effectively. A lot of research has gone into discovering what styles of communication the different personality types tend to use. If we are able to identify our own typical style, as well as the styles of the people around us, we can learn to adapt our way of speaking to each other and possess a manner which is both assertive and effective for everyone.
As we’ve already said, our task is to identify which forms of communication enhance our relationships and which are detrimental to them, and adjust them accordingly. Unfortunately, like most things, our lives often settle into patterns and familiar ways of being, without much thought for the different options we have for interacting with the world around us.
Your relationship with your partner and your child depends on communication – whether verbal or nonverbal; or through interaction, or indirectly through physical, emotional and financial support.
| FACTORS | EXPRESSER | DRIVER | RELATER | ANALYTICAL |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| How to recognise | They get excited. | They like their own way; decisive and strong viewpoints | They like positive attention, to be helpful and to be regarded warmly | They seek a lot of data, ask many questions, behave methodically and systematically |
| Tends to ask | Who (the personal dominant question)? | What? (the results oriented question) | Why? (the personal non-goal question) | How? (the technical analytical question) |
| What they dislike | Boring explanations; wasting time with too many facts | Someone wasting their time trying to decide for them | Rejection, being treated impersonally, uncaring and unfeeling attitudes | Making an error, being unprepared, spontaneity |
| Reacts to pressure and tension by | ‘Selling’ their ideas or being argumentative | Taking charge; taking more control | Becoming silent, withdrawn, introspective | Seeking more data and information |
| Best way to deal with | Get excited with them. Show emotion | Let them be in charge | Be supportive; show you care | Provide lots of data and information |
| Likes to be measured by | Applause, feedback, recognition | Results, goal-oriented | Friends, close relationships | Activity and ‘busyness’ that leads to results |
| Must be allowed to | Get ahead quickly. Likes challenges | Get into a competitive situation. Likes to win | Relax, feel, care, know that you care | Make decisions at own pace; not cornered or pressured |
| Will improve with | Recognition and some structure with which to reach the goal | A position that requires cooperation with others | A structure of goals and the methods for achieving each goal | Interpersonal and communication skills |
| Likes to save | Effort – they rely heavily on hunches, intuition, feelings | Time – they like to be efficient, get things done now | Relationships – friendship means a lot to them | Face – they hate to make an error, be wrong or get caught without enough info |
| For best results | Inspire them to bigger and better accomplishments | Allow them freedom to do things their own way | Care and provide detail, specific plans and activities to be accomplished | Structure a framework or ‘track’ for them to follow |
Source: http://www.drbackman.com/communication-styles.htm
Sometimes we may need to choose a specific communication style, if the situation demands it. For example, in an emergency situation it may be imperative to assume a ‘driver’ style. Someone needs to be in control and, as the adult, people will be depending on you to manage the situation. Certain circumstances dictate no room for negotiation – insisting that your child wears a seat-belt in the car, for example.
In contrast, a more passive or ‘relater’ approach can be helpful when, for example, negotiating over minor issues or calming things when emotions get out of control. Here are two examples:
‘How would it be if Jack just eats some pumpkin and leaves the peas for today?’
‘For now, I am going to let the matter go, because I can’t talk to you when you’re so upset.’
This is as good as time as any to make a mental note that we should bear in mind that it is not only our personalities that may determine our communication style. Our cultural heritage can often play a big part in influencing the way in which we speak to and treat each other. One family’s exuberance and drama may be another family’s anger and hostility. One family’s civility is another family’s passivity.
‘What I have loved most about being with Jackie is how she is so much more open about her feelings and affection around the children. It has taught me to chill and enjoy my children more. She encourages the children to express themselves, even when they are angry, and I think that’s actually a good thing, even if it feels awkward sometimes.’ Brian, who is contemplating blending his family with Jackie’s.
‘Moving in with Imraan’s family was a culture shock. I was not used to everyone knowing everyone’s business. They discuss everything, from the contents of our baby’s nappy to jokes over the dinner table about our supposed sex-life. I think they think I am rude because I don’t join in.’ Fatima, who has just had a baby with widower and father Imraan.
As families, we develop our own internal culture of communication, which becomes learnt and passed on through the generations. When two families come together, especially when each family has separately formed its individual communication style, it can sometimes feel like a culture-clash. Things like the mention of taboo subjects, the use of uncommon language, and differing levels of emotional and physical intimacy can all lead to misinterpretation, perceived rudeness and perhaps even unintended hurt or insult.
Take a little time to examine the kinds of communication style that were expressed in your previous family environment (or family of origin, if this is your first family experience). For example:
How were love and affection expressed?
How was displeasure or anger expressed?
Were there significant differences in communication styles between the adult members of the family?
Were children encouraged or discouraged to express their feelings and opinions?
How easy was it for anyone in the family to ask for help?
How were tasks that required family cooperation carried out (for example, clearing up after dinner or packing the car for picnics or holidays)?
Can you identify different communication styles that were used?
How different was your previous experience to the blended family you now find yourself in?
In what different ways does your present family communicate?
Which communication styles do you see as being effective?
Which styles do you see as being less healthy or less helpful?
Can you identify certain communication styles that you tend to use?
Can you identify certain styles that your partner uses?
What does the chart say about how to achieve the best results with your partner’s communication style?
What are some practical ways in which you can put that into practice?
Of course, communication is not only about verbal speech. Some of the most powerful messages can be sent nonverbally. There is nothing more demonstrative than a turned cheek, raised eyebrow or a sneering lip to convey a disinterested, defiant or even menacing message. Similarly, a little smile, gentle squeeze of the hand, or a tousle of the hair can send important messages of love, concern and support.
‘What I love about Matt is that he always notices when I am struggling with his kids, and just gives me a hug. It makes me feel heard without having to say a word.’ Heather, step-mother to three children.
Eye-contact is a powerful means of nonverbal communication. Nothing expresses focused attention more than direct eye-contact. It is nearly impossible to carry on doing something else – even for your child to continue social messaging on the phone! – when you have eye-contact with the person with whom you are communicating. (Note that some cultures consider too much eye-contact to be inappropriate.)
‘A good friend taught me the only thing I really needed to know in parenting: she said that all I had to do was make sure that my children looked me in the eye when I spoke to them. What can I say? They almost always listen to me.’ (Confession: this is my own quote.)
How would it be if you set tomorrow (or some other day) aside and deliberately ensured that you made good eye-contact with everyone you spoke to on that day? Give it a try, and see what happens!
Now that we have established some of the usual patterns of communication in your blended family and identified which are helpful and which are not so helpful, we can start to look at managing the conflict that arises within your relationships in the home.
Conflict is something that most of us try to avoid. It is usually unpleasant, and can evoke all kinds of unpleasant feelings, such as resentment, fear, sadness, and unhappiness.
However, some form of conflict is inevitable in any relationship. Conflict provides a vehicle within which the family can grow, but it can also cause significant disruption.
Let’s explore how we can manage conflict in such a way as to keep us on the journey of blending the family, and even be an interesting part of the scenery on the way!
Conflict usually arises because we are unable to express our needs effectively. We may not be aware of what exactly is troubling us, so things come out as intolerance, irritability or sarcasm.
Self-awareness is the first key to effective conflict-management. We have to be honest with ourselves and with others in order to begin resolving challenging issues. Checking one’s motives is a handy tool in this regard. What do we want to achieve? What are our true intentions? To get what we want? To hurt someone? To be proved right? To be heard? To get help? To be understood?
Think about your last argument with your partner. What was it about? Now, what was it about really? What did you seriously want to achieve by engaging in the conflict? Were you honest about your motives? At what point did you realise that you had an agenda behind the smokescreen of indirect messages? This may be difficult to admit, but is it possible that you fired up the conflict in order to achieve a perhaps even unconscious goal? To hurt? To be right? To receive what you need? To be understood?
One way for you to discover for yourself exactly what you are trying to communicate is by using ‘I’ statements. When we use an ‘I’ statement, we take responsibility for our thoughts and feelings. At the same time, we ensure that we are not speaking for the other person.
‘I feel irritated when the washing-up is left for me.’
‘When the kids don’t tidy their rooms, it makes me feel angry.’
‘I get so confused when the arrangements with the kids change.’
The antithesis of the ‘I’ statement is making ‘you’ statements, which often prove to be unhelpful and initiate disagreements. The motive is to hurt and blame, and move our irritation onto someone else.
‘You always leave the washing-up for me.’
‘Why can’t you get the kids to keep their rooms tidy?’
‘You keep on changing the arrangements with the kids!’
Using ‘you’ statements forces your partner to respond to the statement itself and not to your feelings and needs in the situation, ending in a ‘lose-lose’ result for everyone.
You can develop this even further and use constructive statements that communicate your feelings and also state your needs at the same time (without blaming or criticising anyone):
‘When the washing-up is left undone I feel irritated, and wish that everyone would pitch in and help.’
‘Untidy bedrooms make me feel so uncomfortable, and I would like your help to put a plan in place to sort out the issue.’
‘When the arrangements for the kids change, it leaves me feeling so confused and frustrated. How would it be to plan the weekend on Thursday nights together as a family, and then to stick that plan?’
It is our own responsibility to ensure that we communicate our needs and feelings effectively in as clear and concise a manner as we can. We can’t expect our partners to guess how we are feeling, or guess how to meet our needs. We need to explain how and why we are feeling the way we do, without blaming or speaking for our partner. This way we can help prevent our partner from becoming defensive, giving them more of an opportunity to consider what you have to say without feeling attacked and/or judged. The motive is to achieve both being heard and having our needs met.
When we are feeling strongly about someone else’s behaviour, it is tempting to use phrases like ‘you always’ or ‘you never’. Apart from probably being untrue, it disregards all the times when your partner has behaved in a way which is more to your liking. ‘Sometimes’ and ‘often’ can be far more helpful adverbs to use.
Similarly, when we are upset we tend to attribute our partner’s disagreeable behaviour to their personality, rather than to the deed. You are so selfish. You are so forgetful. You are so inconsistent. You are so lazy, and so on ad infinitum. It is hard not to take things personally when statements such as these are thrown at you. What can be much more helpful is to describe the behaviour that is not being appreciated, as opposed to name-calling the person.
‘It seems so selfish of you when you don’t ask me what I have planned for the weekend.’
‘It makes me so mad when you forget things.’
‘I feel as though I never know what to expect when you are inconsistent with the kids.’
‘I feel like you are being lazy when you don’t pick your clothes up off the floor.’
Another key tool that we can use to develop our communication skills is that of active listening. It is not only what and how we say something that is important. How we receive information from others plays an equal part. The role of body-language in communication is important. Focusing our full attention on what our partner is saying to us requires us to make eye-contact and turn our body towards the person who is talking. This is not the time to fiddle with a phone or tablet! Receiving our partner’s full attention reduces the possibility of unnecessary conflict developing.
To be sure that we have heard what someone is saying, it is useful to paraphrase what has been said and confirm that you have understood correctly. This is called summarising. For example:
‘So what you’re saying is that you think I don’t appreciate the fact that you fetch my kids from school every day?
‘Am I understanding you correctly? Are you saying you feel that Toni is getting too much attention from me?’
‘It seems that you are saying you get frustrated with me because I don’t discipline the kids enough?’
Summarising gives the speaker the opportunity to correct your perception in instances where you might have misunderstood.
‘No; I’m just saying that I would like to be thanked for lifting the kids sometimes.’
‘Well, yes – but it’s more than that. The other kids aren’t getting any attention from you.’
‘Yes – in fact you don’t ever seem to discipline the kids.’
If necessary, ask the speaker for further thoughts on the matter, or whether that is all that needs to be said or if there is more? Ask questions if you need to clarify what the speaker is saying to you. This will elicit further information and give you an opportunity to hear what the speaker is saying to you.
‘Well, I’m also never thanked for making the sandwiches or doing the washing.’
‘Yes – I think you should spend some quality time with each of the kids.’
‘Well you won’t like to hear this, but I think you’re afraid of disciplining the kids in case they don’t want to come for weekends any more.’
Very often, there are feelings attached to the things we say and it is sometimes hard to express them on the spur of the moment, especially when strong emotions are involved. It can be very helpful to express an understanding of these feelings by reflecting back any expressed or perceived feelings to the speaker – things they may have said which lend understanding on both sides, or give weight to your point.
‘It sounds as if you are feeling fed-up about not being appreciated for fetching the kids from school every day.’
‘So me not disciplining the kids is making you very frustrated?’
‘You’re concerned that I am giving Toni too much attention?’
Now that we are sure you have heard correctly and have provided an empathic ear to your partner, we can move on to resolving the conflict situation. Using ‘I’ language, we now have an opportunity to respond to the speaker:
‘I feel very defensive when you speak to me about these things as soon as I walk in the door. Can we rather talk about them later, when the kids are in bed?’
‘I am very sensitive when it comes to Toni, and I know that’s probably not a good thing. Give me some time to think about it, and let’s talk it through at the weekend.’
‘I get very stressed when we talk about the kids and discipline. It’s a big thing, and I don’t feel as if I am coping.’
When you are alone and both of you are relaxed and ready to talk, you can move on to addressing the problem. To begin to resolve conflict, it is essential that you are both trying to solve the same problem! Take time to think it through and make sure you are both on the same page.
‘The problem is that you feel you are not being appreciated enough for the little things that you do?’
‘The problem is that you think I am spending too much time with Toni, at the other kids’ expense?’
‘The problem is that you feel I’m not disciplining the kids?’
Please note that it is pointless arguing the point that the speaker feels these are problems. It is his or her truth, and denying the problem will not help at all. To respond by saying that a problem is not true will get no-one anywhere. The problem is true for the speaker.
Once you are in agreement about the problem, you can move forward towards finding the solution. Please read further on, where we discuss finding solutions.
However, if you disagree, then the problem becomes that you disagree about the problem! So how do you resolve that?
This is where it is important to remind yourself that you have entered into this relationship because you care about your partner and because your partner also has your best interest at heart. If your partner feels unappreciated, it is best if you make sure that some appreciation is expressed! If your partner thinks you are spending too much time with one child at the expense of the others, then it is probably worth looking at. If your partner feels that you are not disciplining your children, then it is likely that he or she is frustrated by their behaviour and that things are getting out of control. Your partner is expressing his or her needs through the conversation – normal, everyday needs, like being heard and needing support.
Engaging in problem-solving does not necessarily mean you agree with your partner about the problem; it just means that you are both willing to work out a solution to the problem, or find a way of dealing with the conflict.
At this point, it may be helpful to ask your partner what suggestions they have for resolving the problem. You should both put forward as many suggestions as possible, in order for a satisfactory agreement to be put in place.
For example:
‘I think the children should say thank you before they get out of the car, but I would also like you to say thank you to me sometimes.’
‘How about saying thank you to the kids if they wash your car at the weekend?’
‘What if I fetch the kids one day a week to give you a break?’
‘I think you should spend some time with the other kids this weekend.’
‘I don’t think you should always give in to Toni’s demands.’
You might add to these suggestions:
‘How about you take Toni out this weekend, while I take the others, and perhaps you can sometimes go to her when she wakes up at night.’
‘I think you should make the house rules clearer to your kids and if they break a rule, there should be a consequence, like the others.’
‘Can you make suggestions to me when we are alone about how to discipline the kids, so I don’t feel under pressure in the moment?’
‘Can you give them some leeway; they are still adjusting and are very confused?’
Where there is disagreement about a solution, it can be discarded or adjusted until agreement is made:
‘I don’t think the answer is for you to fetch the kids – but I would like my car washed.’
‘I can’t cope with going to Toni every night. Perhaps we can take turns?’
‘I don’t think the kids should be given leeway; they need firm boundaries now. But perhaps I should give you more leeway!’
To clarify, it is useful to end the problem-solving session by stating any solutions that have been achieved:
‘With regard to the children not appreciating the lifts you give them, we’ve decided that they’ll wash your car at the weekends. Is that right?’
‘We’ve decided that I’ll spend more time with the other kids while you see to Toni more? Is that right?’
‘We’ve agreed that you will give me some leeway with disciplining the kids, and when we are alone together we’ll talk about where I can put boundaries in place?’
It is worth remembering that when one partner has been experiencing a problem and has asked for help, remembering details is very affirming for that partner:
‘Are you feeling more appreciated about the lifts?’
‘I can see that you’ve been spending more time with the other kids.’
‘Are you still feeling frustrated about disciplining my kids?’
Resolving conflict between you and your partner requires you to embrace some important behaviours:
There is a liberty when it comes to communicating with our step-children. Since it is not our responsibility to discipline the step-child, the relationship can become a very safe space for downloading and sharing of troubles and woes. By sharing, I mean of course for your step-child to download.
It is inappropriate for you to confide in your step-child in any way. This would confuse the child’s sense of loyalty and disturb any trust that has been built up between you. As a step-parent, we have an opportunity to be able to listen without judgement and, when asked, to offer suggestions or advice.
When your step-child complains about your partner, it is possible to empathise by agreeing with the feelings the child is experiencing without being disloyal to your partner or the co-parent:
‘It must be very hard for you to accept it when your dad says no to the party, especially if your mom said yes.’
It is possible to help your step-child by gently probing:
‘Is there anything you’re feeling fed-up about that I can help you with?’
When you are the only one around to enforce a rule, a ‘broken record’ technique can be helpful.
‘I know you want to watch TV this afternoon, but your dad said no. That must be annoying when it is raining outside.’
‘Yes, I know you want to, but your dad said no TV. Shall we play a board game, instead?’
Agreeing with your step-child can also be a very effective way to assert yourself in a situation that may feel out of control:
‘I agree that it can seem unfair that you can only watch one DVD on a Saturday, but the rule is just one.’
‘I also think a sweet before supper is a brilliant idea, but we always have sweets after supper.’
‘Ten o’clock must seem very early for you to come home from the party, but that is the time your mom [and I] agreed on.’
The ‘broken record’ and agreement technique are two very powerful ways to be heard.
Ensure that you use opportunities to speak to your step-children about positive events, to balance out the times when adequate communication is challenging, or even impossible.
Children very often need time to feel comfortable, and will slowly open up if you spend a while in their company. Good times for conversations are on car journeys, on long walks, or lying on the bed together after a bedtime story. At these times there is less face-to-face contact and children, especially teenagers, often find it easier to talk from their heart about topics that they feel anxious about.
When you are approached in conversation by your step-child, ensure that you put down whatever you are doing and focus on the conversation. This will communicate to your step-child that they are important, and that you care about them.