Chapter 13
Bouncing Back From Bullying
I remember being in middle school and being ignored by a group of girls that were my friends since second grade. All of a sudden they acted like I didn’t exist. It hurt. A lot. I can still remember everything about that feeling. —Sun, age 17
Bullying is something most of you will face in your lifetime. Recent statistics suggest that more than 70% of teens will face some form of bullying, including cyberbullying, relational aggression, and verbal bullying, at some point in their adolescence. Understanding what a bully is and what to do if you witness or are a victim of bullying is vital.
To get us thinking about this topic, I want you to read the following scenario and think about what you would do.
What Would You Do?
You are walking around the mall one day with a few friends when you see a group of girls taunting another girl. The person being taunted is clearly bothered by what is happening, but the girls tossing out the verbal taunts don’t stop. In fact, the more upset the girl gets, the more the other girls continue the barrage of negative comments.
What do you do? Walk away because you don’t want to get involved? Tell the girls to stop? Befriend the victim? Tell an adult?
Take a moment and write down what you would do in this case of taunting.
What Is Bullying?
Bullies come in all shapes and sizes, and the impact of their deeds is far reaching. Before I launch into a conversation about how to deal with the various types of bullying that exist, I think it’s best to talk about what a bully is and what it isn’t.
Law enforcement uses three basic questions to help determine whether or not a specific act falls within the legal definition of bullying:
Does the perpetrator have some measure of power over the victim?
Has some form of aggression—physical or emotional—occurred?
Does the victim believe the acts of aggression will continue?
If you can answer “yes” to these questions, the event, whatever it was, will likely meet the legal definition of bullying.
There are three typical ways in which someone can be bullied: physical, verbal, and relational. Physical bullying includes all forms of physical aggression, as well as property destruction, and is what most people think of when they think of bullying. It is the most overt form of bullying, but accounts for less than half of all bullying. It is typically male-on-male, although there has been a recent rise in female-on-female physical bullying as girls are becoming more socialized toward aggression.
Verbal bullying refers to taunting, gossiping, name-calling, and, in the more extreme version, cyberbullying. It is the most common type of bullying and accounts for the majority of cases. Although most people think of verbal bullying as being mostly girl-to-girl, it is actually perpetrated by both girls and boys.
Relational aggression is the most covert form of bullying and the most damaging. Typically girl-to-girl, this type of bullying attacks relationships through isolation, seclusion, shunning, and exclusion. Relational aggression is very difficult to detect as it can involve something as subtle as a particular rolling of eyes or hostile body language. Sure, that may sound like nothing, but to the victim, it feels as though you have been punched in the gut. Like the other forms of bullying, relational aggression undermines the victim’s self-esteem and feeling of safety.
Tool #8
Bullying 101
The types of bullying include:
Physical—Overt; involving physical acts of aggressions including hitting, shoving, kicking, and property destruction.
Verbal—Typically the first type of bullying encountered; includes taunting, gossiping, name-calling, and cyber-bullying. Often a “gateway” to more aggressive forms of bullying.
Relational—Covert; typically girl-to-girl; involves an attack on relationships; includes seclusion, exclusion, and shunning.
Now that you have a working understanding of what the definitions of bullying are, let’s take a moment to talk about teasing and taunting.
Teasing is a normal part of growing up. Sometimes called banter or harmless fun, teasing is not meant to hurt. It is a normal exchange between people meant to generate laughter. It’s innocent and shouldn’t hurt.
But sometimes teasing goes too far and turns into taunting. Whenever someone is hurt by teasing, it is a sign that a boundary has been violated and the teasing needs to end. When that sign is further ignored, or when the point of the teasing is not an innocent exchange between people, but a one-sided attack that increases when the person being teased is upset—that is not teasing. That is taunting. And it’s a type of bullying.
Dos and Don’ts of Getting Involved
Now that you have a strong understanding of the legal definition and types of bullying, what can you do about it, whether you are a witness or a victim?
First off, remember that no one has the power to diminish you without your permission. Part of the reason bullying, especially the relational type, works is because you feel powerless to do anything about it. You are left feeling hopeless and without friends—something that can eat away at your resiliency and leave you emotionally damaged. It does get better, see Tool #10 for help.
It Gets Better
Being bullied is never an easy thing to endure. It may make you feel hurt, ashamed, and powerless. But it doesn’t need to destroy your self-esteem. The following reminders can help you shift your focus if you are feeling the negative effects of bullying.
You have no control over what the bully does, but you have control over what you feel about it.
Find your voice, speak out. Don’t settle for silence.
Find the positives—you are stronger, more compassionate, and more empathetic because of your experiences.
Take action—report the bully, advocate for those who are bullying, and make people aware of the situation.
You are not alone. Don’t suffer in silence and shame. Tell a trusted friend or adult. Seek help if you need it. You will survive this.
The good news is that you can do something about it. You can choose not to let the behavior of the bully destroy you. The various activities, worksheets, and tools provided throughout this book have all enabled you to develop many of your internal coping skills. You have learned that you only have control over yourself and your feelings. You know that although someone may do something that is very hurtful to you, you can choose to rise above it, even though that is a hard thing to do in the case of bullying.
On these pages, you have also learned how to deal with your emotions, how to develop a good sense of self, and how to focus on things you are grateful for. All of these skills will help you combat the more negative impacts of bullying. They will also help you to develop the perspective needed to avoid becoming a bully.
There is something else you can do as a witness or victim to help prevent the spread of bullying—report it. See Tool #9 for help.
Dos and Don’ts of Getting Involved
DO know the difference between bullying and teasing.
DON’T stay silent if you are feeling bullied. Tell an adult.
DO report acts of bullying when you see them.
DON’T avoid telling because of fear or shame.
DO practice how you would tell an adult about bullying.
DON’T allow bullying to continue.
DO remember that the victim is never to blame.
DON’T side with the bully.
DO remember that it will get better.
DON’T become a bully.
Bullies continue to bully because there is a code of silence around bullying—most witnesses are afraid to get involved, and most victims are ashamed. Sure, it can be very hard to report acts of bullying. But when you don’t speak out, your silence says the actions of the bully are acceptable to you. That what she is doing is okay. And it is never okay.
So learn what it means to bully. Make sure you do not hurt someone else in that way. And if you see acts of bullying, or if you are bullied, know who you can talk to and how you can help. By taking control, you can stop a bully’s impact.
21st-Century Bullying
Technology is an amazing thing. In my lifetime, I’ve seen knowledge spread and grow at an amazing rate. You can Google almost anything, find out information in a nanosecond, connect with people in other places of the globe, and learn anything you can imagine. The development of the cell phone, Internet, and social networking has forever changed how we connect, interact, and find information. It is both exciting and a bit intimidating.
Bullying has taken a new look with the digital age. Cyberbullying, or acts of verbal and relational aggression that occur online or through technology, is on the rise. Some statistics report that more than 75% of all teens will experience some form of bullying through digital mediums including online and via texting.
Cyberbullying typically includes verbal taunts and threats and works similar to verbal bullying and relational aggression. It also includes sexting.
As children become adolescents, and teasing morphs into flirting, taunting can turn into sexual bullying. This occurs when flirting begins to violate boundaries, making the victim feel degraded and afraid. Sexual bullying can lead to sexting, or the unwanted advances of one person to another via text. Sexting also includes the spreading of sexually explicit rumors and pictures for the purposes of hurting another person.
As with the other forms of bullying, cyberbullying and sexting are about power and control over another person. But unlike the kind of bullying that happens on a school campus and may take a while to spread from person to person, cyberbullying can spread rumors and gossip in a matter of seconds across a larger group of people.
Combating cyberbullying, like combating all forms of bullying, involves notifying authorities when it happens, practicing safe habits online (which I will go into more detail about in Chapter 15), and remembering that you can have the ultimate control over your reactions and feelings about bullying. There is life after bullying, it does get better.
When Bullying Turns Violent
We have all heard about the cases of school violence and bullycide (suicide that results directly from an incidence of bullying) that have occurred over the past decade. In almost all of these cases, the perpetrator was someone who had been bullied. There are warning signs that you or a friend may become aggressive or suicidal in response to the humiliation and shame that comes with being bullied. More common signs include:
substance abuse,
threatening acts of violence and talking about suicide,
sudden changes in behavior, and
continual rejection.
Although none of these things means someone will turn to violence as a way to cope, they can point to that potential. If you or any of your friends are showing these warning signs, it is important to tell an adult right away. No one deserves to feel the humiliation and shame associated with acts of bullying. So, do your part to help prevent bullying—report it when you see it, don’t engage in acts yourself, and be a good friend to those in need.
Note to Self: It Takes Courage to Be Unique
Don’t be afraid to stand up for who you are and be a model of creativity for others. Even if they act like they don’t care, they will remember that someone had the courage to stand up and be different. Have the courage to be yourself, no matter what. —Erin Hastedt
This has been a hard chapter, focusing on one of the sad realities facing most children and teens. But talking openly and honestly about the hard stuff, including bullying, is the best way to remove the shame and deal with the problem. Growing up is hard. Taking the long journey to authenticity is hard. But it does get easier.
Take a moment and reflect on the scenario at the beginning of the chapter as you complete the self-reflection questions below.
My Voice
Keeping in mind the authentic you inside, answer the following:
How do I feel about the different types of bullying? Have I ever been the victim of bullying in the past?
What can I do to protect myself against bullying, including cyberbullying?
How can I help my friends if they are bullied?
Do I know any bullies? Is there anything I can do to help them?
Have I ever spoken with my parents about bullying? What was that conversation like?