Chapter 9

Half-Full or Half-Empty: The Power of Perspective

I must admit, I put myself down a lot. I know I shouldn’t—at least that is what everyone tells me. But I can’t help it. I just struggle to quiet the noise in my head. —Nadia, age 17

“Perspicere” is the Latin verb meaning “to see clearly,” and is the root of perspective. Having a healthy perspective means you are accurately assessing the situation at hand. Believe me, this is much harder to accomplish than it may sound. More often, your perspective on a situation is skewed by everything including your current emotional status, assumptions about the event that you may or may not be aware of, and the self-talk existing in your head. All of these things taint your perspective and can, at times, prevent you from seeing a situation clearly.

This next scenario involves perspective and what happens when you misinterpret a situation.

What Would You Do?

You and Jody have been best friends since second grade. But recently, you haven’t felt as close. Sure, you both go to the same school, have the same teachers, and hang out together at lunch. But something has changed.

You try to talk with Jody but all she does is get mad and walk away. Eventually, after 2 weeks of asking her to tell you what is bothering her, she stops sitting with you at lunch altogether.

She joins the “popular” table, avoids you in the hall, and asks to have her seat moved in class. And that’s just the beginning.

Over the next few weeks you catch her whispering to her new friends and think you hear your name amongst the chatter. You stare at her, but she avoids looking at you completely. Pretty soon, you don’t see her at all.

A few days later, a rumor starts spreading about you. You are convinced Jody had something to do with it.

What do you do? Confront her? Start a rumor about her? Ignore everything?

Take a moment and write down how you would handle this situation.

Perception and Context

I started this chapter by talking about the art of seeing clearly, or perspective. Your specific perception of a situation influences the way you handle that situation. Perception is based on things you see, hear, and feel, as well as the way you think about those things. In other words, whether or not your day is a good day has more to do with your perception of it than anything else.

How you perceive events is influenced by the context of the situation. For example, if I am in a farmer’s market and I take an apple that I did not pay for, then I am a thief. If, however, I take that apple because I have not eaten in several days, although I am still a thief, the situation is more complicated than initially presented. Such is true with most events in life.

Do you remember when I said that it is important to be flexible, to recognize that life is seldom black and white, but more often many shades of grey? This is because of perception and context.

For example, it is common in the United States to point with our index finger when we are indicating a specific thing, like where something is located. However, to many other cultures in the world, pointing with your index finger is a serious affront, often interpreted as a sign of disrespect. In one context, the action was appropriate, in another it was not. Context is what separates the two events, context and perspective.

Take a moment to work through the What Is Happening? worksheet and come up with as many different reasons why the different events listed may have occurred. The more you can come up with, the better.

The Girl Guide

Worksheet #12: What Is Happening?

Directions: Take a moment and read each statement, then think about the particular event. Can you figure out what happened just before? How about immediately after? Write down what happened before and after each event listed and try to determine all of the potential meanings for the events. I’ve completed the first example for you.

Event	What happened before the event (context)	What happened after	Possible meanings for the event
Your BFF yells at you at lunch.	She spoke to her boyfriend.	She ran off to the bathroom.	– She got into an argument with her boyfriend and vented at me. – She found out something bad about her boyfriend or his family. – She got a text about something else that upset her. – She ran to the bathroom for “female” issues.
The teacher tells you to stay after class.
Your mom accuses you of giving her attitude.
Your sister comes into your room and takes your magazine.
Your friend stops answering your texts and phone calls.
A boy you like looks at you and then whispers quietly to his friends.
You walk into a store with your friends right as two people you know from school start laughing.
You stop running in PE and get yelled at by the teacher.

What have you learned from looking at events in this way? Take a moment to write down your thoughts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

White Noise

Perception is influenced by more than context and the information from our five senses. As I mentioned earlier, it is also influenced by the self-talk we engage in internally—the constant noise in our head that tells us about the world.

Most of you have a lot of chatter going on in your thoughts all of the time—a running commentary about everything and everyone. This is not unusual. But, it can be distracting. And depending on what that voice in your head is saying, it can be damaging too.

Earlier, I spent a lot of time asking you to learn to listen to the voice in your head—the one that knows your heart’s desire and your dreams; the one that can lead you along your journey to your authentic self. The voice that engages in the endless chatter in your thoughts is not the same voice. Learning to tell the difference between the two is difficult, but it can be done.

To start, you must learn to tease out what is true about your running commentary and what is not. My guess is that most of what you find in your thoughts will not be true—merely an incessant dialogue highlighting your doubts and perceived failures, spinning in an endless loop that eventually sounds like nothing but white noise. The more you put yourself down, the more you listen to others and let them tear you down, the louder that voice inside can become.

Fortunately, you can learn to quiet the noise and discover when it’s valid or not. My mother used to tell me “Act on what you know, not on what you think or assume.” In other words, take the time to look at what you are reacting to and make sure that what you think happened has actually happened.

Here’s an example: You are upset over your best friend from another school’s recent change in behavior. She used to text you nightly, chatting about life. Then she stopped. Just stopped. No rhyme or reason why. Nothing. Just the end to a friendship. At least, that’s how it seemed. In truth, she was grounded for 3 weeks. Because you only communicated via text and phone before now, you had no way of knowing what actually happened. You assumed that something was wrong with your friendship, when in truth, everything was fine. When you act on what you know, not what you assume, you start to discern all of the reasons why things happen and begin to seek truth and stay away from assumptions.

This next tool is one way to begin to differentiate what is true versus what is false in your mind.

Tool #6

Is It True?

  Take a moment to listen to the self-talk going on in your head. What message is your brain telling you?

  How do you know the message is correct?

  Look outward for proof of the accuracy of the message. If you can’t find any, then it is time to change the inner message.

  Tell yourself the true message. Write it in your journal and repeat it several times.

Sometimes it’s hard to shift the noise running through our thoughts from an endless stream of negativity toward something more positive. Activity #15 is all about finding the silver lining and turning negatives into positives. For example, maybe you are telling yourself that you are too talkative in class. Rather than focusing on that, compliment yourself for being uber-curious, and figure out a way to not be disruptive in class. Or you are always the last picked in PE and internally you decide it is because you’re clumsy. Instead, think about something positive about your physical skills. Maybe you are good in the water, but not running the track. Or maybe you are good at wrestling, but not at baseball. Whatever it is, try to replace the negative chatter with something more positive. Assuming a positive mental perspective will help you stay on the path toward your authentic self and navigate the rough patches with ease.

The Girl Guide Activity #15

I < 3 Me

Directions: Use the directions that follow to help you discover what you love about yourself.

1.  Turn to a new page in your journal. Make a list of the ways in which you are a good friend and a great person. Refer to your accomplishment journal and your skill bank if needed.

2.  Make another list of your interests, anything that is uniquely you.

3.  Using the information from the lists, take several index or note cards and write positive statements about you and your interests/accomplishments all on one side of the cards.

4.  Turn the cards over and decorate them in inspiring ways, something that makes you smile and speaks to the inner you inside.

5.  Make at least 5 cards, each one focused on a different aspect of you.

6.  Make new cards anytime you accomplish something new or develop a new interest.

7.  Refer to the cards anytime you are feeling down about yourself.

Okay, I’ll admit it—I struggle with confidence. And staying positive. But learning to be aware of what I tell myself has really helped me get a handle on everything. Try it. —Shamonique, age 18

Take a moment to make yourself a set of cards like those in Activity #15. Pull these out and read them anytime you hear yourself engaging in negative self-talk. In no time, you will shift from a negative to positive point of view.

As I mentioned previously, a positive perspective, both internal and external, is vital on the journey to the self. Not only does it help you stay strong and overcome life’s curveballs, but it also helps you see the world from many different angles. This in turn allows you to hone your empathy skills, increase your problem-solving abilities, and build relationships. By seeing the world from different perspectives, you are able to seek creative solutions to problems, as well as understand why things happen as they do.

Take a moment and review the Fresh Perspectives activity from Chapter 6. Repeat the activity with different pictures any time you need to remind yourself to see something from a fresh point of view.

Note to Self: Perspective Is Everything

There is no meaning to anything other than the meaning you ascribe to it. So if you are feeling out of sorts with the world, your friends, your family—take a look at your point of view on things and see if it needs adjusting. After all, you are the only one who can change your perspective. —Judi Warren

You’ve spent the last several chapters learning to cultivate a positive attitude, appreciate your various accomplishments, see the world from many perspectives, and develop many alternative solutions or paths on the journey to yourself. All of these skills have one thing in common—together they enable you to take control over your life and mold it into what you want it to be.

In the next section, you will learn about your emotions and the impact of your emotional reactions on the journey you are undertaking toward your authentic self.

Before we jump into that, however, take a moment to reflect on the things you have learned in this chapter about perspective.

My Voice

Keeping in mind the authentic you inside, reflect on and answer the following:

  When I am alone, or my mind is drifting off at school, do I notice that I talk to myself a lot? What do I say?

  Do I get stuck or rigid in my thinking when I make plans, then struggle to adjust my plans? Why or why not?

  Is staying positive important to me? Why or why not?

  Do I believe that I have what it takes to get through life’s difficulties? Why or why not?

  When I think about myself, what are the first two words that come to mind? Why did I pick those particular words?