The Two Most Important Days

Seven Simple Steps to a Happier You

Infuse your life with action. Don’t wait for it to happen. Make it happen. Make your own fortune. Make your own hope. Make your own love.… [Do] what you can to make grace happen.

—BRADLEY WHITFORD

Think of how wonderful it is to know that when others think of you, they say, “My life is better for having known her,” or “I can’t imagine how rich my life is because he is in it.”

This is a benediction. A life that is lived with purpose graces the lives of others. And doesn’t it make you happy to know that you make others happier?

By now, you may have learned the secret and the shortcut to happiness. The shortcut is to consciously embrace your life’s unique purpose using the tools of self-awareness, service, and kindness.

And by offering you a shortcut, we’ll help you avoid the “long cut”—which is looking for happiness in all the wrong places. You don’t need to look far, because happiness is lurking all around you. It’s right here. But to find it, you must have your eyes and your heart wide open, and only then will you find it in abundance.

One of the most famous experiments in psychology that teaches us about being present is called “the Gorilla in Our Midst.”1 The experiment involved individuals watching a video in which they were asked to count how many times a basketball was passed among players dressed in white. In the midst of the video, as the ball is being passed, a man dressed in a gorilla suit walks across the court. Surprisingly, perhaps, about half of those who viewed the video didn’t even notice the gorilla because they were so intent on watching the ball being passed. Later, when told they had missed the gorilla, they were skeptical. How was this possible?

The experiment underscores a key fact that also pertains to happiness—many of us miss much of what occurs directly in front of us. Happiness is right in front of you if you choose to see it. It’s there in the flowers that grace your neighbor’s yard, in cumulous clouds that stand out in the bluest sky, and a conversation with a coworker that enriches your day. So many of us miss these experiences because we are watching the proverbial ball being passed—or looking at our phones.

So now, look up.

You have before you stories of individuals who have used adversity as a turning point in their lives, people who have suffered loss, been treated unfairly, or witnessed inequity and who have used that experience to do good work and to enrich the lives of others. While often the stories recount transformational changes where hundreds or thousands have benefited from the good work of these remarkable individuals, the benefit is also available to you on a scale both grand or small.

Each of us can influence the lives of others by extending a hand, supporting a charity, and by simply paying attention. The ripple effect of these actions has the potential to resonate for days, months, years, or even generations.

His Holiness the Fourteenth Dalai Lama said, “We are visitors on this planet. We are here for ninety or one hundred years at the very most. During that period we must try to do something good, something useful, with our lives. If you contribute to other people’s happiness, you will find the true goal, the true meaning of life.”2

Artfully said, but how do we take the first step?

Following are some suggested and simple acts of kindness that will enrich the lives of others and boomerang much of the good feeling generated right back at you.

◆ Pay the toll for the car that follows you through a tollbooth.

◆ At Starbucks or Dunkin’ Donuts, when you pay for your coffee, leave money to pay for the order of the person behind you—and leave before he or she can thank you.

◆ Take the time to ask for the name of your server at a restaurant and write “Thank you,” using the person’s name when you leave a tip. Also ask for the name of a grocery checkout clerk and the person who delivers your pizza—and use it.

◆ Surprise someone by letting them go ahead of you in the grocery line.

◆ Compliment a colleague for being gracious and responsive, but make sure the compliment is specific and true.

◆ When exiting an airplane, thank the crew for a safe flight and for all they did to make it comfortable.

◆ Volunteer at a senior center, food bank, or animal shelter.

◆ Donate to a charity that advances a cause close to your heart.

These simple acts will radiate goodwill into the lives of others and incentivize them to replicate your kindness. Your goodness is pushed out into the world and will radiate far beyond your good deed. Small, generous acts on your part will contribute to a kinder, gentler world.

But what about days when your own goodwill is taxed by petty or large annoyances?

◆ When you have waited for twenty minutes to reach a customer service call center and find the representative unhelpful, ask for the person’s name and say, “You must be very busy. Thank you for taking time to help me with this.”

◆ When someone cuts you off in traffic and blares the car horn at you, be gracious and wave them forward.

◆ When you’re waiting for service and the person in front of you is painfully slow or disorganized, offer to help.

◆ When someone cuts you off—in line or in conversation—use it as an opportunity to smile and be patient.

Certainly there will be times in your life when you nurse a grudge over a personal slight that was unexpected and undeserved. Your instinct may be to harbor bad feelings, respond with curtness, or express frustration. But before you do, here is a simple truth that, when fully embraced, will prove life-changing:

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

You cannot know if the person who cuts you off in traffic is worried that he may be fired if he’s late for work, if the woman at the call center recently received a cancer diagnosis, if a coworker who is rude is struggling with marital woes or a sick child.

These are things you cannot possibly know, but what you can know with certainty is that each person you encounter will be grateful for your understanding.

And in addition to being kind to others, remember this: it is important to always be kind to yourself. A happy life is one in which you forgive yourself for your shortcomings and are grateful for all that you have. Through your actions, you can plant seeds that lead to future joy for others but begin with compassion for yourself.

To jump-start your journey to happiness, here are some lists of positive books, exercises, songs, movies, songs, TED Talks, and websites that will serve as catalysts guaranteed to enhance your happiness quotient. Refer to them periodically and use the blank lines to add your own suggestions.

THINGS TO MAKE YOU HAPPY

Seven Books

◆ Daily Gratitude: 365 Days of Gratitude

◆ The Alchemist—Paulo Coelho

◆ The Little Prince—Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

◆ Staying Alive: Real Poems for Unreal Times—Neil Astley

◆ Jewels of Remembrance: A Daybook of Spiritual Guidance Containing 365 Selections from the Wisdom of Rumi—Camille Helminski

◆ Gratitude—Oliver Sacks

◆ Peter Pan—J. M. Barrie

What are your favorites?

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Seven Websites

◆ BrainPickings: https://www.brainpickings.org/

◆ SuperSoul Sunday: http://www.supersoul.tv/

◆ The Writer’s Almanac—a poem each day: http://writersalmanac.org/

◆ Wayne Dyer—an internationally renowned author and speaker in the field of self-development: http://www.drwaynedyer.com/

◆ On Being with Krista Tippett—the big questions of meaning: http://www.onbeing.org

◆ Heartbeings: https://www.heartbeings.com/

◆ Everyday Power—a motivational blog that makes positive breaking news: https://everydaypowerblog.com/

What are your favorites?

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Seven TED Talks

◆ Dan Gilbert: “The Surprising Science of Happiness”

− Dan Gilbert gave his first TED Talk in February 2004; the surprising science of happiness was one of the first ever published, in September 2006. Here, the Harvard psychologist reminisces about the impact of TED, shares some suggestions of useful further reading—and owns up to some mistakes.

◆ Brené Brown: “The Power of Vulnerability”

− Brené Brown studies human connection—our ability to empathize, belong, and love. In a poignant, funny talk, she shares a deep insight from her research, one that sent her on a personal quest to know herself as well as to understand humanity.

◆ B. J. Miller: “What Really Matters at the End of Life”

− At the end of our lives, what do we most wish for? For many, it’s simply comfort, respect, love. B. J. Miller is a hospice and palliative medicine physician who thinks deeply about how to create a dignified, graceful end of life for his patients.

◆ David Steindl-Rast: “Want to Be Happy? Be Grateful”

− The one thing all humans have in common is that each of us wants to be happy, says Brother David Steindl-Rast, a monk and interfaith scholar. And happiness, he suggests, is born from gratitude. An inspiring lesson in slowing down, looking where you’re going, and above all, being grateful.

◆ Nancy Etcoff: “Happiness and Its Surprises”

− Cognitive researcher Nancy Etcoff looks at happiness—the ways we try to achieve and increase it, the way it’s untethered to our real circumstances, and its surprising effect on our bodies.

◆ Robert Waldinger: “What Makes a Good Life?”

− What keeps us happy and healthy as we go through life? If you think it’s fame and money, you’re not alone—but, according to psychiatrist Robert Waldinger, you’re mistaken. As the director of a seventy-five-year-old study on adult development, Waldinger has unprecedented access to data on true happiness and satisfaction.

◆ Matthieu Ricard: “The Habits of Happiness”

− What is happiness, and how can we all get some? Buddhist monk, photographer, and author Matthieu Ricard has devoted his life to these questions, and his answer is influenced by his faith as well as by his scientific turn of mind: we can train our minds in habits of happiness.

What are your favorites?

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Seven Movies

◆ Slumdog Millionaire (2008)

◆ When Harry Met Sally (1989)

◆ Love Actually (2003)

◆ Roman Holiday (1953)

◆ Cinema Paradiso (1988)

◆ The Sound of Music (1965)

◆ The Wizard of Oz (1939)

What are your favorites?

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Seven Songs

◆ “Hallelujah”—Bon Jovi

◆ “Across the Universe”—The Beatles

◆ “What a Wonderful World”—Louis Armstrong

◆ “Con te Partiro”—Sarah Brightman and Andrea Bocelli

◆ “My Happiness”—Ella Fitzgerald

◆ “Brindisi” from La Traviata—Pavarotti

◆ “Ode to Joy” from Beethoven’s Symphony no. 9 in D Minor, op. 125.

What are your favorites?

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Seven Happiness Apps

◆ Get Journal—Happy Tapper: The easiest and most effective way to rewire your brain in just five minutes a day, unleashing everything great in you.

◆ Sing! Karaoke by Smule: Join in the fun. Sing your favorite top hits with artists like Jessie J, Jason Derulo, and Charlie Puth. Create solo, duet, and group videos with singers around the world.

◆ Simply Yoga by Daily Workout Apps: Your own personal yoga instructor wherever you are.

◆ Poetry from the Poetry Foundation: With the Poetry Foundation’s universal iOS app, you can now take thousands of poems by classic and contemporary poets with you wherever you go.

◆ Inspire Me Quotes by Happy Planet Apps: Inspire Me Quotes is your virtual inspiration generator for a happier and more meaningful life. Flick through quote pages that have been lovingly handcrafted with timeless words of wisdom from some of the world’s greatest minds.

◆ Track Your Happiness by Matt Killingsworth: Track Your Happiness is a scientific research project that investigates what makes life worth living.

◆ A Year of Kindness Acts by LanziVision: “Want to be happy? Make someone’s day.” This is our invitation to you to have some fun while creating a lot of unexpected delight and joy for yourself and for the folks around you by offering you 365 days of kindness—a new idea each day of the year, of ways to express kindness through small, easy-to-do acts.

Seven Happy Exercises

Here are simple exercises to set you on a path to embracing your own unique life purpose and ensuring that you flourish.

1. Gratitude Exercises

Gratitude Journal

There are many ways to be attentive to all the good in your life—keeping a journal is just one. Research has shown that keeping a gratitude journal correlates with peace of mind and elevated levels of happiness.

Each night, write in a journal one to three things you are especially grateful for. Examples might range from the professional to the personal, from the minutiae to the grand:

◆ I am grateful that I was praised today for leading a discussion in a meeting that helped my colleagues, and I came to a good conclusion over a difficult problem with one of our goals.

◆ I am grateful that I resolved a conflict with my friend Annette and that we both ended our discussion with a hug and an agreement to have dinner soon.

◆ I am grateful for the cardinals in my backyard, because they remind me of my mother and how much she loved them.

◆ I am grateful that my family is healthy and safe, that right now they are all home and asleep in their beds.

Here’s a bonus idea: If you express gratitude in your journal for friends or colleagues, why not write to the person and tell him or her? You will feel good about both recognizing the good deed and for passing on the appreciation—and the other person will smile and feel good at having been recognized by you.

Gratitude to Go

Every morning, begin your day by writing down three things you are grateful for. Fold up the piece of paper and carry it with you in your handbag or pocket. For instance:

◆ There are daffodils blooming in the yard.

◆ I prepared well and am ready to nail the meeting this morning.

◆ My daughter got an A on a very difficult test.

Gratitude Shared with a Friend

Find a friend who is going through a difficult time or a friend who would enjoy this exercise. Agree to send each other every day an email that outlines three things you are grateful for. The shared experience will be bonding and thoroughly enjoyable.

“I Love You” Gratitude

Rekindle your marriage or relationship with a daily gratitude. Agree to tell your partner in writing one thing that you love about him or her over a thirty-day period. It can be simple or detailed, serious or fun:

◆ I am grateful that you chose to live your one life with me.

◆ I am grateful that you know how to use a hammer.

◆ I am grateful that over the past twenty years, we have grown closer through adversity and that when our children were challenging us as teenagers, it created a bond between us—and that throughout the years, we never hesitated to support each other.

◆ I love that you love to buy me beautiful lingerie and that I love to wear it.

2. Thorns, Buds, and Roses

Practice this exercise with your children to inspire an understanding of the complexity of life and to teach them that challenges are often counterbalanced with opportunity.

Around the dinner table or before bed, ask your children to share an experience that frustrated them. Follow up by asking them to identify an opportunity that may have remedied the negative experience. Conclude by asking them what positive may have resulted.

For instance:

Thorn: Some kids on the playground excluded me from a game today. They wouldn’t let me join in.

Bud: I saw some other kids who were playing in another part of the playground and realized they weren’t included either. I decided to go over and talk with them.

Rose: I made a new friend because one of these other kids saw me, realized I was sad, and asked me to join them. I got invited for a playdate, and I even got invited to a birthday party. My mother was so happy at how I handled this situation.

Thorns, buds, and roses also works for adults. Try it yourself:

Thorn: I was so disappointed that I had a dinner planned with a friend I hadn’t seen in many years, but he missed his connection in Chicago and was delayed an entire day.

Bud: We both rearranged our schedules to meet tomorrow before our respective dinner meetings.

Rose: We saw each other, and despite the initial disappointment, we had an enjoyable evening. Perhaps I even appreciated our visit more when I realized how much I wanted to see him after he’d missed his flight.

3. Nightly Affirmations

Each night before going to sleep, say an affirmation that will program your brain for happiness. Here are two suggestions—but feel free to build in whatever language will help you achieve your personal ambitions.

I live with abundance, love, and compassion.

I will flourish in all that I do and inspire others to do the same.

4. Say Thank You Out Loud to Others

Say thank you to the security officer at work, to the young person who packs your groceries, to your children, to your partner.

Consider saying thank you instead of apologizing. If you keep someone waiting, rather than say “I am sorry I’m late,” say “Thank you for being patient with me.”

5. Praise Your Colleagues

Write notes to your colleagues to bring them joy and enhance their sense of appreciation. If someone helps you figure out a computer glitch, if someone gives a powerful presentation, if someone offers you a good idea, jot that colleague a quick note to let him or her know the kindness was noticed and appreciated.

6. Ask Your Friends to Relive Their Happy Memories (and Yours Too)

Spend time reliving happy memories with your family and friends. Recall a funny vacation story, a long talk late into the night, or an excursion to a consignment shop with your girlfriends that resulted in beautiful finds. This is a direct route to both smiles and happiness.

7. Find Your Purpose in Thirty Days

For thirty consecutive days, jot down on a three-by-five card three or four things that you did that day. Give each activity a rating from one to ten, equating one with something that made you feel miserable and ten with something that made you feel joyful.

At the end of the month, identify all activities that you rated seven or above. Reflect on these activities. It is likely that you will be able to identify those actions that most resonate and give your life meaning. In these activities, you will find bread crumbs to lead you on a path to a purpose-filled life.

YOUR WORKSHEET

Now to launch your journey, think about all you have learned and complete these exercises.

Begin by writing your life purpose here. Make sure you sign and date it to confirm your commitment.

My purpose in life:

____________________

Signature ____________________

Date ____________________

What three things can you do today to begin achieving your purpose?

____________________

What three things can you can do this year to advance your life purpose?

____________________

What three memories made you feel ____________________?

a. Happy

____________________

b. Joyful

____________________

c. Blissful

____________________

Who are the five people you can spend time with who make your life better?

____________________

Ask yourself: Are you spending your time with these five people? If not, why?

____________________

Recount a random act of kindness that you initiated.

____________________

Recount a random act of kindness that someone did for you.

____________________

Reflect on how it made you feel. Reflect on how it made the recipient feel.

You initiated____________________

Someone else initiated____________________

Surprise someone by writing a heartfelt note of gratitude today. (Maybe you can write one short note every day.)

____________________

Which charity or worthy cause would most benefit from your support, volunteering, or a monetary contribution?

____________________

Finally, and most importantly:

The two most important days of your life:

a. The day you were born ____________________

b. The day you figured out why ____________________

As you go forward.…

Be grateful.

Be forgiving.

Be happy.

Flourish for all the days of your life.