You come to love not by finding the right person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.
Sam Keen
Stacey is organized and determined. She is very detail-oriented and thorough in both her work and personal life. But details elude Matt, her husband. He tends to be a big-picture kind of guy and leaves the details and follow-through to others. Stacey gets frustrated with how Matt habitually “forgets” to complete a task and expects her to pick up the slack.
James is matter-of-fact and analytical. He enjoys a good argument, as long as emotions are tamed and reasoning remains “logical.” Amy, his wife, is much more attuned to people’s feelings and tries to avoid arguments. When she is hurt, she tends to reason from her feelings. This causes James frustration, so he shuts down, becoming judgmental and distant.
Both of these couples are coping with the challenge of differences within their marriage. Although their dissimilarities may have initially attracted each to the other, over time these differences can affect how the couple experiences emotional support, trust, connection, and intimacy.
To be able to embrace differences, we will need to explore what they are, why they challenge a marriage, and how celebrating them can be beneficial to a growing relationship.
Types of Differences
You and your mate are different for many reasons. For one, as we spoke about earlier, you each had a different childhood upbringing, which powerfully impacts how you do relationship.
Consider James and Amy. James grew up in a home with disengaged parents who disparaged feelings. He learned to disconnect from his emotions and, as a result, felt overwhelmed by his wife’s longing for connection. Amy grew up in a home where Dad was unavailable and Mom was physically but not emotionally present. Due to her unmet longing for closeness, she felt abandoned by James’s lack of attention. In addition, James grew up in a cluttered, chaotic home while Amy’s was rigidly organized. As a result, each had differing expectations for how their home would be managed.
Personality differences add another dimension to navigating your marriage relationship. Sean is energetic and outgoing. He engages easily in conversation with friends and strangers alike. His wife, Michelle, is quite a bit more introverted. She enjoys time alone and finds it more challenging to talk, even with friends, for any length of time. When they attend parties together, she is usually left to fend for herself and resents the time Sean spends connecting with others.
One of you may be more active and playful while the other may be more serious and conscientious. One of you may be more driven while the other may be more creative and thoughtful.
Do you ever wonder why your wife tends to talk a lot more than you do? Or why your husband avoids lengthy or emotional conversations? That’s because the male brain is different from the female brain. An understanding of these fascinating differences can help each partner be receptive to the unique design of the other.
Females possess a greater density of neurons in the parts of the temporal lobe associated with language processing and comprehension. The hippocampus, the part of the brain responsible for memory and emotion formation, is larger in the female brain, as is the brain circuitry for language and observing emotions in others.1 As a result, girls tend to develop language faster and more comprehensively than boys. This not only accounts for a woman’s tendency to be more verbal but explains her social attunement and ability to remember emotional conversations.
Males, on the other hand, perform tasks from their left hemisphere, which is the rational/logical side of the brain. Their language development occurs only in the left hemisphere of the brain. As a result, men tend to be more focused in their communication, to get right to the issue.
Our differing brain structures also explain why women can give attention to several things at once and men tend to be more singularly focused. The corpus callosum (the band of neurons that connect the left and right sides of the brain) allows both sides of the brain to work in a coordinated fashion. The larger corpus callosum in women has been proposed as a reason why women are usually better than men at multitasking. It allows for more connectivity between the left and right sides of the brain.2 The female brain can gather more information and pick up details through their senses.
If your husband appears to have “selective attention” and doesn’t hear you when he is tuned in to something else, his more focused brain is very likely the reason. Males have more connectivity within each hemisphere of the brain, which allows them to be more compartmentalized. They are also better at spatial processing and coordinated action.3 Louann Brizendine, in her book The Female Brain, also notes that “Men have larger processors in the core of the most primitive area of the brain, which registers fear and triggers aggression—the amygdala. This is why some men can go from ‘zero to a fistfight’ in seconds.”4 Both coordinated action and response to threat are important to protection and survival.
Have you ever wondered why, when it comes to sex, men are more visually stimulated? The hypothalamus, located deep in the center of the brain, monitors many activities such as hunger, thirst, sex, and sleep. The pre-optic area of the hypothalamus, which is the area of the brain most involved in sexual and mating behaviors, is 2.2 times larger in men than women and has twice the number of cells. Men also have over ten times the amount of testosterone as women, which accounts for the fact that they think about sex more often. Brizendine comments,
Just as women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion while men have a small country road, men have O’Hare Airport as a hub for processing thoughts about sex whereas women have the airfield nearby that lands small and private planes.5
Understanding these differences in the human brain can be very useful in responding to your spouse. If a husband appreciates his wife’s need to talk and connect verbally, he can make an extra effort to give her his undivided attention. In order to ensure she has her husband’s full attention, a wife can be thoughtful about choosing her timing. She can also be sensitive to whether or not her husband is feeling verbally overwhelmed and adjust her conversation accordingly.
A wife who understands that men’s brains are designed to be more focused on sex can be more accepting of her husband’s sexual desire and no longer disparage him for what comes naturally. If she acknowledges her capacity for multitasking, she can choose to give the sexual experience her undivided focus. She may choose to set aside some of the tasks and responsibilities that are clamoring for her attention so she can feel relaxed and present with her husband and allow herself to enjoy sexual intimacy.
Knowing his wife may have difficulty turning off the demands of her day in order to be available for intimacy, a savvy husband can offer to help, plan romantic moments, and express his love both in and, even more importantly, outside the bedroom.
Emotional Differences
Women and men also appear to differ in their emotional needs.6 What a wife seems to want most from her husband is his time, attention, and support. She longs for her husband’s wholehearted devotion and attunement. She wants her husband to bring strength to their family without harshness or domination. She yearns to feel cared for and validated. Above all, she longs to be loved, tenderly and consistently.
Men, on the other hand, desire respect even more than love. Respect conveys to a man that he is seen as competent and capable, that he is “enough” for his wife. Expressions of disappointment pierce him like a sword. He longs to make his wife happy, to be admired and appreciated. He needs confirmation that his contributions are valuable and noticed.
When a husband and wife understand their different emotional needs, they can offer what the other truly desires—rather than what they think the other wants.
The Emergence of Differences
In the early romantic and idealized stage of relationship, our brain is saturated with feel-good chemicals—such as dopamine, adrenaline, and norepinephrine—that give us that heart-thumping, euphoric experience of being in love.7 The falling-in-love experience is one in which our brain is literally “drugged.” In this state, our awareness is narrowed. In our desire to connect and please, our partner’s flaws and differentness are overlooked, and what is similar captures our attention.
In a few months or years, that high usually wears off. You wake up married to a “stranger” with deficiencies and annoying habits. Your husband’s closeness to his mother, once sweet, becomes a painful source of contention. Your wife’s attention to detail, once helpful, becomes irritating and feels overbearing.
When the different habits, needs, and perspectives of your mate, which initially attracted you to each other, become difficult and painful, you may see them as a threat to the relationship—things that must be eradicated or at least suppressed. So you try to convince your spouse to think or act differently. When that doesn’t work, you resort to manipulation, perhaps shaming or criticizing them for their positions or habits. You may withdraw something they long for—such as sexual connection, time, or attention—in order to get them to change.
But being surprised by traits, behaviors, habits, thoughts, and reactions of your mate is completely normal. When the high of falling in love subsides, the reality of being married to a real person with needs that are different from yours is inevitable. You can protest, punish, or manipulate in an effort to eliminate the differences between you, but that will only further wound your mate and harm your marriage.
It may be that your response to the annoying or painful differences of your mate is being driven by an unconscious desire to repair a wound from childhood. If you are highly reactive or avoidant as a way of dealing with your mate, this is very likely true. If you are hoping to find, in your mate, that one person who could finally come through for you to meet your needs for love and value, the disappointment can be immense. Releasing your spouse from the obligation to make up for your childhood losses can be a huge turning point for you and your marriage.
Unconscious desires were definitely at work when James and Amy fell in love. He was drawn to her emotional energy and heartfelt expressions of affection. When she pursued him, his parched emotional upbringing received streams of healing water. He had finally found a woman who gave him the attention and connection he had yearned for.
Having lived with her mother’s weighty expectations and obsessive cleanliness, Amy was drawn to James’s relaxed nature and sense of adventure. When she would get anxious or flustered, he would help her get perspective and become calm. She was entertained by his messy apartment, and although she was confident she could help him become more organized, she appreciated his hang-loose attitude. When James would plan playful dates, Amy felt very loved.
The unconscious drives that led them to marry also played a role in their early disappointments and conflict. After the first year of marriage, the qualities they once found endearing and attractive became a source of pain. James’s relaxed attitude began to annoy Amy as she tripped over his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. Her emotional expressiveness began to create a great deal of discomfort for James. As his attentions were diverted to the increased demands of his work, Amy felt the sting of her father’s unpredictable involvement in her life. When she reacted with emotional outbursts, James felt overwhelmed and frustrated. The emotional desert of his upbringing hadn’t prepared him for the flood of feelings flowing from Amy. Feeling ill-equipped to handle the situation, he blamed her and withdrew.
Like most couples, James and Amy initially tried to get the other to change. Their efforts played out in our fifth session of therapy.
Amy, shifting toward the edge of the sofa, railed. “I don’t get why it’s so hard to throw your dirty clothes into the basket. It would take two seconds!”
“I just forget.” James shrugged. “I’m in a hurry in the morning.”
She turned to me. “I’m not asking that much! How can he be so lazy?”
James grimaced. “Why can’t you just let it go? Is it really that big of a deal?”
I encouraged James and Amy to slow down their interaction and look at the feelings underlying their positions. Amy revealed that she felt unimportant and anxious when James would toss his clothes on the floor. The maternal part of her wanted to teach him to behave better, and the judgmental part wanted to prove him wrong. In turn James felt managed and criticized. The adolescent part of him wanted “Mom” to back off. As each was able to see their vulnerable and protective parts that were getting activated, they were able to take responsibility for their responses and have a very different conversation.
Amy moved an inch closer to James. “I’m sorry I’m on your case so much about this. Sometimes I just don’t feel you hear me or that you care.”
“I can see how you would feel that way,” he said. “Because of our family upbringings, we have different expectations for how tidy the house needs to be.”
“I know the mess doesn’t bother you,” Amy said, “but it grates at me because of the way I was raised.”
“I don’t mean to disregard you. I really just don’t think about it.”
“I wonder if there is a way to meet both our needs.”
“I could use something visual to help me remember,” James offered. “How about if we pull the basket out of the closet and put it at the end of the bed where I’ll see it?”
Amy agreed, obviously encouraged by James’s willingness to make an effort.
Once they were both willing to recognize that their perspective was not the only right way, they were able to listen and be heard. The focus shifted from trying to change their mate to communicating their own feelings and needs respectfully.
Different by Design
Have you ever thought of what life would be like if you were married to someone exactly like you—same background, thoughts, strengths and weaknesses, experiences, gender—in other words, you? Boring, right? Most of us marry someone who complements us, someone whose personality and giftedness completes what we lack.
My husband is an analytical thinker. I am more relational. He solves our computer problems. I connect us to friends.
If God designed marriage to be a union of two similar people, I doubt he would have made them male and female or created the multiplicity of personalities that exist. It appears much more likely that he designed marriage to be the union of two individuals with significant differences that would require a “working out” through the challenges of married life.
So, if there is purpose to your differentness, what could it be? I can think of several possibilities.
Differences Help Us See That Our Way Is Not the Only Way
You and your spouse come from different family backgrounds. It is likely that you have different views of how much time to spend with your extended families, where to spend the holidays, how much to disclose to family members, how much money to save or spend, and how to raise children. You can choose to view your mate’s view as wrong, inferior, or informative. The latter choice opens you to new input and a happier marriage.
You probably even have opposing views of how thoroughly a task needs to be done. I grew up in a home where my dad had one right way to do any household chore. When my husband and I were first married, he sweetly volunteered to sweep our small patio. Little did he know that I was an expert patio sweeper, the keeper of the one way anyone should sweep a patio! I thought he would benefit from my coaching, but that did not go over well. He tossed the broom and left the chore to the “expert.” We both had our own concepts of what a swept patio looked like from our past experiences. It took me several years to realize my way was not necessarily the right way or the only way.
Your differences challenge your preconceptions. Once you become receptive to them, they can broaden your perspective.
Differences Teach Us How to Compromise
Since you and your mate have your own unique perspectives, resolving issues will require each of you to listen well and soften your position. The positive outcome is that you both become more adaptable, flexible people. You may even begin to welcome the contribution of your spouse in making decisions.
While raising our children, my husband and I had different ideas about how much money to give them. My husband grew up in a family where finances were limited and he worked hard to ensure he could be generous with his kids. My parents, both teachers, wanted to teach my siblings and me the value of a dollar and expected us to earn our way. Not a few arguments in our marriage centered on my view that Gary was “enabling” our kids and his view that I was “stingy.” In time we came to understand that our best decisions were usually made by incorporating both our viewpoints. Unity in diversity brings about interesting and creative resolutions.
Differences Expose Our Selfishness
It is common, especially in early marriage, for spouses to take entrenched positions on a matter, refusing to give in for fear their own needs will not be met. In an intimate relationship, one person’s needs often conflict with those of the other partner. The “me” priority is nowhere more exposed than in marriage.
There are countless daily opportunities to choose between what you want or prefer and what your spouse wants or prefers. My husband loves meatloaf and potatoes. I like a salad along with a piece of grilled chicken breast. What shall we have for dinner tonight?
My day off happens to be trash day at our home. My husband’s been working all day but the cans need to be brought in off the street. Should I bring them in, since it’s typically “his” job? We all have little daily decisions about giving or not giving.
When we’re tired or stressed, caring for our mate’s needs can be especially inconvenient. We want them to take care of us. Setting ourselves aside to serve our mate is not intuitive. We are inclined to take care of ourselves first. Marriage helps us see the truth about ourselves and calls us to something higher.
Differences Create Mystery
When you first met your spouse, there was likely something intriguing about the ways in which he or she was different from you. You both enjoyed getting to know each other and were pleasantly surprised by some of the attributes you discovered. Not knowing each other completely added an element of mystery to your relationship. It still can.
After we’ve been married for a while, we think we have our mate all figured out. There is nothing new about them under the sun. We settle in to the faulty notion that there are no more surprises. For some, this feels safe, under control. For others the loss of intrigue feels boring. Either way, there’s a problem with this. You’ve lost your curiosity.
No matter how long you’ve been married, you cannot know your mate fully. There is always some part of them to discover. Creating a safe space where you can explore your unique dreams, wounds, fantasies, and longings can restore that element of mystery and surprise.
Differences Can Refine Us
Proverbs 27:17 tells us, “As iron sharpens iron, so a friend sharpens a friend” (NLT). In doing life together, you and your spouse rub up against the edges of each other’s personality. Over time, differences create friction. That friction, if received as a friend rather than fought as an intruder, can cause you to be more than you were before.
Being receptive is the key. This person you have married can become either a painful thorn in your flesh or a catalyst for your growth, depending on how you choose to respond.
Differences Teach Us to Love
Marriage is designed to transform us by teaching us to love people who are very different from ourselves. Love requires considering the desires, hopes, and longings of your mate. In this way, love stretches us.
Those very ways in which we are different create the potential for the greatest intimacy. You can’t be truly intimate with another person if you’re invested in conforming them to your image. True intimacy requires an absence of manipulation and an embrace of the differences you each bring to the relationship.
The Bible encourages us to “put on love,” to clothe ourselves with love (Col. 3:14). It is not something we already have by birth. It is something we learn. And we learn it in relationship.
Earlier in the passage we are challenged to “bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone” (v. 13). “Bearing” with another person means to accept the ways in which they are different, even if that is a burden. Dietrich Bonhoeffer describes “bearing” in this way: “To bear the burden of the other person means involvement with the created reality of the other, to accept and affirm it, and, in bearing with it, to break through to the point where we take joy in it.”8 In bearing with each other, we learn to love the true other—not the one we are trying to fashion for our own benefit and comfort. We take joy in each other’s differentness.
Like bearing, forgiving is a form of love we learn because we are different from each other. In our different ways of being in the world, we will hurt each other. We extend forgiveness, which releases us from owing each other anything. To free each other in this way is an act of love. Marriage provides lots of opportunity to learn to love through forgiving.
What Embracing Differences Looks Like
How will you know when you have grown in your ability to accept the differences of your mate? You will find yourself curious about their preferences or ways of doing things rather than being annoyed. When your mate expresses an opinion contrary to yours, you will explore their unique vantage point and not be threatened by the disparity with yours. When their priorities or wants are different from yours, you will work with them to find ways of meeting both of your needs—without being disparaging for not aligning with you.
When your spouse reveals their vulnerabilities, you will hold them like a treasure entrusted to you and refuse to use them in any way to hurt your mate. When their protectors are activated, you will see them as attempts to safeguard their tender young parts. You’ll be less reactive and less put off, and therefore better able to soothe your partner. In short, you will be openhearted to the nuances and idiosyncrasies of your spouse.
It is not by chance that you have been given your unique mate. Yes, you selected them, but when you married, something happened that’s bigger than you and your spouse. You are both being forced to grow in ways you could never have predicted. That growth is primarily due to the differences to which you are learning to adjust.
Whatever your mate most deeply desires will likely be the most difficult thing for you to give. Whatever you most deeply desire will be the hardest for your spouse to give. But in learning to give sacrificially, you will both become more intimate, loving partners.
The differences you experience with your mate provide you with great opportunities. Although some differences are easily accepted and others are painfully difficult, all hold a promise of enriching your lives. If you accept that these are by divine design, you will be more receptive even when they cause inconvenience or discomfort. You can embrace them and learn all that they have to teach you . . . or resist them and miss the opportunity for growth.
If you choose to embrace your mate’s differences, you will be stretched. Both of you will grow, but not because you are demanding each other do so. Jesus’s call to love our neighbors was not given merely for the sake of our neighbors. Loving people changes us. We are transformed as we embrace the differences of our mate and gracefully learn to love the other as other.
Discussion Questions: Chapter 5
Group and Couple Questions