Chapter 1 Why Marriage Is Hard Work
1. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, “First Marriages in the United States: Data from the 2006–2010 National Survey of Family Growth,” National Health Statistics Reports no. 49 (March 22, 2012), http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nhsr/nhsr049.pdf.
2. David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, “Why Men Won’t Commit: Exploring Young Men’s Attitudes about Sex, Dating and Marriage,” The State of Our Unions 2002: The Social Health of Marriage in America, ed. by David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead (Piscataway, NJ: Rutgers University National Marriage Project, 2002), 12, http://www.stateofourunions.org/pdfs/SOOU2002.pdf.
3. “Wedding Money: What Does the Average Wedding Cost?” The Knot, accessed November 17, 2016, https://www.theknot.com/content/what-does-the-average-wedding-cost.
Chapter 2 More Than You Imagined
1. Laura Taggart, “Making Love Last,” survey conducted through Survey Monkey, September to December 2015. Survey distributed through social media to individuals married ten years or less.
2. This concept of marriage as merger or start-up is also found in Charles Murray, The Curmudgeon’s Guide to Getting Ahead (New York: Crown Business, 2014), 137–40.
3. Dan Gilbert, “The Surprising Science of Happiness,” TED Talks, February 2004, https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy?
4. Tim Keller, The Meaning of Marriage (New York: Dutton, 2011), 35.
5. Yasmin Anway, “Science of Happiness MOOC Captivates Millennials,” Berkeley News, June 30, 2014, http://news.berkeley.edu/2014/06/30/science-of-happiness-mooc/.
6. Philippians 1:6; 2:13.
7. Song of Songs chapters 4–5; Proverbs 5:18–19; Ephesians 5:25–33.
Chapter 3 Why Marriage Is Worth It
1. Linda J. Waite et al., Does Divorce Make People Happy? Findings from a Study of Unhappy Marriages (New York: Institute for American Values, 2002), http://americanvalues.org/catalog/pdfs/does_divorce_make_people_happy.pdf.
2. John Gottman, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (New York: Three Rivers Press, 1999), 5.
3. Dr. Norval Glenn, “With This Ring: A National Survey on Marriage in America,” (National Fatherhood Initiative, 2005), http://wyofams.org/index_htm_files/NationalMarriageSurvey.pdf.
4. National Institute of Mental Health, “Anxiety Disorders,” NIMH (May 2015), http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/anxiety-disorders/index.shtml.
5. Henri J. M. Nouwen, Reaching Out: The Three Movements of the Spiritual Life (New York: Doubleday, 1975), 71–72.
6. Romans 5:8.
7. 1 Chronicles 16:34; John 3:16; 1 John 3:1.
8. Psalm 13:5; Hebrews 13:5.
9. I am indebted to Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson of the Couples Institute for their developmental approach to treating couples in therapy. I have adapted their ideas from “Stepping Stones to Intimacy: A Positive Outlook on Problems,” accessed May 7, 2016, http://www.couplesinstitute.com/stepping-stones-to-intimacy-a-positive-outlook-on-problems-in-couples-relationships/.
10. Ibid.
11. 2 Corinthians 3:18; 5:17; Romans 12:2.
12. Bader and Pearson, “Stepping Stones to Intimacy.”
13. This concept of the stock market as an analogy for marriage is also found in Fred Lowery, Covenant Marriage: Staying Together for Life (West Monroe, LA: Howard, 2002), 222–23.
1. Ephesians 2:4–8.
2. I am indebted to Richard Schwartz, author of Internal Family Systems Therapy (New York: Guilford Press, 1995), for his conceptualization of internal parts.
3. Frederick Buechner, Telling Secrets (New York: HarperCollins, 1991), 45.
4. And that self is never more authentic than when we live in a consciously dependent relationship with God. Without that relationship we easily get pushed and pulled by the agendas of others and our own self-protective parts, our other selves. Self is ungrounded and incomplete when not tethered to its divine source.
5. Schwartz, Internal Family Systems Therapy, 96.
6. This “tracking sequence” is adapted from Toni Herbine-Blank, Intimacy from the Inside Out (New York: Routledge, 2016), 39–49.
7. Schwartz, Internal Family Systems Therapy, 108–10.
8. Matthew 19:13–14.
9. Psalm 46:1.
10. Isaiah 61:1.
11. 1 John 3:1; Psalm 139; Isaiah 66:13.
12. Schwartz, Internal Family Systems Therapy, 49–51.
13. This template is adapted from Herbine-Blank, “Tracking Sequences Meditation,” Intimacy from the Inside Out.
14. Jay Earley, Self Therapy (Larksburg, CA: Pattern System Books, 2009), 114–16.
15. Henri Nouwen notes, “Too often we will do everything possible to avoid the confrontation with the experience of being alone, and sometimes we are able to create the most ingenious devices to prevent ourselves from being reminded of this condition . . . we panic when there is nothing or nobody left to distract us. When we have no project to finish, no friend to visit . . . no television to watch . . . and when we are left all alone by ourselves we are brought so close to the revelation of our basic human aloneness and are so afraid of experiencing an all-pervasive sense of loneliness that we will do anything to get busy again and continue the game which makes us believe that everything is fine after all” (Nouwen, Reaching Out, 26–27).
16. Colossians 1:22.
17. This is, in a nutshell, what the Bible calls sin—trying to make our life work without God.
18. The original source of this quote is unknown, but it is widely attributed to Carl Jung and may be from one of his many speaking engagements.
Chapter 5 Embrace Differences
1. Louann Brizendine, The Female Brain (New York: Harmony Books, 2006), 5.
2. M. Ingalhalikar et al., “Sex Differences in the Structural Connectome of the Human Brain,” Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences 111(2) (December 2013): 823–28; Ariel Niu, “Gender & the Brain: Differences between Women & Men,” Fit Brains, February 18, 2014, http://www.fitbrains.com/blog/women-men-brains/.
3. Ibid.
4. Brizendine, The Female Brain, 5.
5. Ibid., 91.
6. John Gray, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 132–49.
7. Loyola University Health System, “What Falling in Love Does to Your Heart and Brain,” Science Daily, February 6, 2014, https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2014/02/140206155244.htm.
8. Dietrich Bonhoeffer, Life Together (New York: Harper and Row, 1954), 101.
1. Taggart, “Making Love Last” survey.
2. Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 130.
3. Daniel B. Wile, After the Honeymoon (Oakland, CA: Daniel Wile, 2008), 13.
4. Herbine-Blank, Intimacy from the Inside Out, 57.
5. Originally developed by Thomas Gordon, Parent Effectiveness Training (New York: Three Rivers, 2000).
6. Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 38.
7. Ibid., 130–32.
8. J. Carlson, D. Dinkmeyer, and D. Dinkmeyer Sr., Time for a Better Marriage (Atascadero, CA: Impact Publishers, 2003), 87.
9. Keller, Meaning of Marriage, 138.
Chapter 7 Let Go
1. Hilary White, “24 Signs You’ve Found Your Soul Mate,” PopSugar, November 3, 2016, http://www.popsugar.com/love/Signs-Youve-Found-Your-Soul-Mate-35421825.
2. Offering an invitation at the conclusion of the tracking sequence is the contribution of Toni Herbine-Blank, Intimacy from the Inside Out, 46–47.
3. Brene Brown, I Thought It Was Just Me, But It Isn’t (New York: Avery/Penguin, 2007), 5.
4. Helen Keller, Let Us Have Faith (New York: Doubleday Doran, 1940).
Chapter 8 Lean In
1. Gottman, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, 80.
2. William Larkin, MD, “Build Your ‘Gratitude Brain,’” The Applied Neuroscience Blog, October 5, 2015, http://appliedneuroscienceblog.com/build-your-gratitude-brain.
3. John Powell, The Secret of Staying in Love (Thomas More, 1995), 55.
4. S. H. Kim, Y. H. Kim, and H. J. Kim, “Laughter and Stress Relief in Cancer Patients: A Pilot Study,” Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine (2015), http://www.hindawi.com/journals/ecam/2015/864739/.
5. George Bonanno, “Loss, Trauma, and Human Resilience,” American Psychologist (January 2004): 20–28.
6. Virginia Satir, “Virginia Satir Quotes,” BrainyQuote.com, accessed December 1, 2016, https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/v/virginiasa175185.html.
7. Karen Grewen and Kathleen Light, “More Frequent Partner Hugs and Higher Oxytocin Levels Are Linked to Lower Blood Pressure and Heart Rate in Premenopausal Women,” Biological Psychology 69 (April 2005): 5–21.
8. Dacher Keltner, “Hands on Research: The Science of Touch,” Greater Good: The Science of a Meaningful Life (September 29, 2010), http://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/hands_on_research.
9. Adapted from Ken Sande, The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, third ed. (Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004), 126–33.
10. “The heart’s fierce effort to protect itself from every slight, to shield its touchy honor from the bad opinion of friend and enemy, will never let the mind have rest.” For a brilliant explanation of pride versus meekness, see A. W. Tozer, The Pursuit of God (Camp Hill, PA: Christian Publications, 1982), 105–7.
11. Matthew 7:3–5.
12. Keller, Meaning of Marriage, 165.
1. Psalm 139:1–4; John 17:23, 26.
2. Genesis 2:22–24.
3. Genesis 2:25.
4. Michele Weiner Davis, The Sex-Starved Marriage (New York: Simon and Schuster, 2003), 33.
5. Brizendine, The Female Brain, 68.
6. Dario Nardi, “Hormones, Sex and Personality Type,” Bulletin of Psychological Type 26, no. 3 (2003): 22–24.
7. Marie S. Carmichael et al., “Plasma Oxytocin Increases in the Human Sexual Response,” The Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism 64, no. 1 (January 1987): 27–31.
8. Brizendine, The Female Brain, 71.
9. 1 Corinthians 7:3–5.
10. Clifford and Joyce Penner, Restoring the Pleasure (Nashville: Thomas Nelson, 2016), 46.
11. Norman Doidge, The Brain That Changes Itself (New York: Viking, 2007), 20.
12. D. H. Angres and K. Bettinardi-Angres, “The Disease of Addiction: Origins, Treatment, and Recovery,” Disease-a-Month 54 (2008): 696–721.
13. James G. Pfaus et al., “Who, What, Where, When (and Maybe Even Why)? How the Experience of Sexual Reward Connects Sexual Desire, Preference, and Performance,” Archives of Sexual Behavior 41 (2012): 31–62.
14. Omar Minwalla, “Thirteen Dimensions of Sex Addiction Induced Trauma among Partners and Spouses Impacted by Sex Addiction,” The Institute for Sexual Health, April 2014.
15. Mark Laaser, Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2004).
16. Dan Allender, The Wounded Heart: Hope for Adult Victims of Childhood Sexual Abuse (Colorado Springs: Navpress, 1995), 71.
17. Psalm 139:14; Isaiah 61:3.
18. Song of Songs 4:16–6:3.
19. Michael Castleman, “The Most Important Sexual Statistic,” Psychology Today, March 16, 2009, https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/200903/the-most-important-sexual-statistic.
20. Laurie B. Mintz, “Female Orgasm: Time to Stop Shoulding Ourselves,” Psychology Today (September 2012), https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stress-and-sex/201209/female-orgasm-time-stop-shoulding-ourselves.
21. Sheila Wray Gregoire, The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2012), 45.
22. Sam Storms, More Precious Than Gold (Wheaton: Crossway, 2009), 182.
23. Clifford and Joyce Penner, The Way to Love Your Wife (Colorado Springs: Focus on the Family, 2007), 5.
24. Brizendine, The Female Brain, 78.
25. Ibid., 77.
26. Gary Thomas, Devotions for a Sacred Marriage (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2005); Gary Chapman, The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional (Carol Stream, IL: Tyndale, 2009).
27. Keller, Meaning of Marriage.
Chapter 10 The Power of a Promise
1. Thornton Wilder, Three Plays by Thornton Wilder: Our Town, The Skin of Our Teeth, The Matchmaker (New York: Bantam Books, 1958), 113.
2. Genesis 17:7.
3. Daniel Brown, Unlock the Power of Family: Discover God’s Design for Lasting Relationships (Sparrow Press, 1994), 54.
4. Ibid., 103.
5. Lew Smedes, “Controlling the Unpredictable—The Power of Promising,” Christianity Today, January 1983, 3–4.
6. Ibid.
Chapter 11 Marriage as a Catalyst for Change
1. Gary Thomas, Sacred Marriage (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2000), 23.
2. 2 Corinthians 3:16–18.
3. 1 John 4:9–16.
4. 1 John 3:1; Ephesians 3:18.
5. Matthew 7:3–5.
6. Romans 8:38–39; Hebrews 13:5.
7. 1 John 1:9.
8. W. Nichols, S. Steinmetz, J. Sora, P. Edmunds, C. Levine, Random House Webster’s College Dictionary (New York: Random House, 2000).
9. Luke 15:11–32.
10. Isaiah 53:6.
11. Jeremiah 29:11; Proverbs 3:5–6.
12. Romans 8:35–39.
13. Psalm 13:5.
Chapter 12 Better Together
1. Mark Twain, Mark Twain’s Notebook #22: The Complete Works of Mark Twain (New York: Harper and Brothers, 1935).
2. Adapted from Harville Hendrix, Getting the Love You Want (New York: Harper and Row, 1988), 247–48.
3. Keller, Meaning of Marriage, 121.
Appendix D
1. Ephesians 2:10; Mark 10:6.
2. 1 Corinthians 13:12.
3. John 15:13; Galatians 2:20.
4. Hebrews 13:5.
5. Romans 8:38–39.
6. John 10:14.
7. Romans 5:8; 1 John 4:9–10.
8. Isaiah 53:6–8.
9. John 11:25.
10. 1 John 1:9.
11. John 1:12.
12. Colossians 1:27; John 17:20–26; 1 John 4:13–15.
13. 2 Corinthians 5:17.
14. 1 John 4:11-12.