9
Initiate Intimacy

Fear is the great enemy of intimacy. Fear makes us run away from each other or cling to each other but does not create true intimacy.

Henri Nouwen

What does intimacy mean to you? Free-flowing conversation? A deep sense of trust? Warm affection? Sexual connection? Intimacy may include all of these. But at its core, intimacy means being deeply known and loved as well as deeply knowing and loving the other. Real intimacy makes us feel alive because someone has taken great care to look into the depths of our soul and see us for who we truly are.

Remember our castle imagery? Each of us is a castle with a moat and drawbridge. When we feel another is safe and desirable, we lower our drawbridge over the moat and invite that person to enter. Once inside, they can see the vulnerabilities of the castle. Where there is love, every room and garden in the castle may be freely explored and the vulnerabilities are protected by the lover. Such intimate exploration involves each of you being open and transparent with your emotions, your bodies, and your spiritual selves.

For some, the word intimacy has scary connotations. In letting someone into our castles, we risk being rejected or re-wounded. We may fear the other person might not be trustworthy and could use their access to exploit us. Intimacy can also trigger feelings that we’re “not enough.”

Many men fear they can’t meet their wives’ need for emotional intimacy. Women frequently report they cannot keep up with their husbands’ desire for sexual intimacy. The word intimacy itself stirs up feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. Although marriage was meant to provide our deepest need for companionship and completeness, it can become a place of expectation, performance pressure, and guardedness.

Our pictures of intimacy can also be tainted by what we see in the media. Most often sex is portrayed as hot, steamy, and self-gratifying, giving couples a self-focused picture of the way sex should be in their marriage.

You’re likely aware of popular television shows like The Bachelor, in which a man selects a wife from a pool of women whom he dates and interviews. Eventually he narrows the group down to finalists with whom he has a night of sex in the “fantasy suite” before he makes his final decision.

If you stepped back and asked what images of “intimacy” are represented, you could deduce that intimacy is about the chemistry of attraction, a hot sexual encounter, and superficial conversation. But true intimacy is profoundly different.

A thriving, lifelong marriage is experienced through the emotional intimacy of best friends, the sexual intimacy of lovers, and the spiritual intimacy of two becoming one. True intimacy involves a willingness to be totally open with one another in these three key areas.

Because intimacy requires such openness, it begins with knowing yourself. To allow someone into your fears, desires, hopes and dreams, and strengths and weaknesses, you need to have clarity about what those are. Being truly intimate starts with being connected to your own heart.

Intimacy happens over time. Since being open and vulnerable requires that you feel safe, revealing your heart and true self can occur only as your trust in the other person grows. As you learn that they are willing to guard your confidences, seek your well-being, and be gracious with your weaknesses and faults, you share more and more of yourself with them. As you risk exposing your most vulnerable feelings and thoughts, and find your mate holds them as precious treasures, the safety in your relationship develops.

Emotional Intimacy

Emotional intimacy is the capacity to share your deepest feelings with your mate and receive theirs with understanding and empathy. It involves creating a safe haven where each of you can feel fully comfortable revealing your true selves.

Fear is the greatest hindrance to emotional intimacy. If we hide our authentic selves, fearing rejection or hurt, we can’t enjoy deep emotional connection with our mate. If we anxiously cling to our spouse due to our own insecurities, they will not feel free to be themselves—a necessary condition for true closeness. If we become demanding out of a fear that we won’t get our needs met, we sabotage the very connection we desire.

Being intimate is a choice. It requires risk. Exposing the deepest parts of yourself to your partner can be uncomfortable. It may seem safer to remain behind the barriers of protection that shield you from potentially being rejected.

However, if you want to be known and loved, you must let down your drawbridge. Being intimate with someone is always proactive. It involves initiating. You choose to reveal or hide yourself. Your mate can enter your castle by invitation only.

When a wife invites her husband into the tender parts of herself, and he is attentive, interested, and kind, she feels valued and loved and opens herself more to him. When he realizes he doesn’t need to solve anything for her, or persuade her to think differently, he can simply listen and try to understand, which will result in her feeling deep affection for him.

If her vulnerability is met with impatience, indifference, or discomfort, the wife will shut her feelings away and insert one more brick into the barrier. Many husbands struggle to understand that what their wives need is simple. Just being there with her, giving her his full attention, is all she usually needs. No solutions. No battle plans. Just being there.

When a husband invites his wife into his vulnerable feelings and she is loving, respectful, and generous in response, he feels a warm connection to her. Because respect is so critical for men, revealing what he may consider to be weakness is especially difficult. A savvy wife realizes this and is very affirming of his strengths as she listens attentively.

If, however, she is critical or gives advice, he will likely shut down. Most wives don’t understand that their husbands deeply long for them to believe in them. A wife’s efforts to improve her husband, or tell him what he should do, sound like disbelief and thus cause him to withdraw.

Both husband and wife have a role in creating safety and intimacy in their relationship.

Some people believe they aren’t very good at sharing their thoughts and emotions. You may have grown up in an environment where feelings were minimized or, even worse, criticized. You may have learned early to hide yourself and only put forward what your parents allowed or could tolerate.

Ask yourself, What scares me about being fully vulnerable with my mate? What do I withhold? What do I fear? Giving yourself permission to feel and to give expression to what you feel may be difficult at first. As with any new skill, with practice you will become more able to identify your feelings and reveal them.

Ask your mate, “What can I do or say (or not do or say) that will help you feel more comfortable and safe in sharing yourself with me?” Try to listen non-defensively and take their feedback to heart.

You may wonder, Why bother? Why go to all this work if it feels so uncomfortable? The answer is simple. You are wired for intimate relationship. The Bible says that God designed you with a yearning to be known and loved, to have someone see you and love you for who you really are.1 He designed you primarily for relationship with himself. Because he made you, he knows and loves you more intimately than any human possibly could.

But he also designed you for intimate relationship with another person.2 A beautiful picture of intimacy is provided in the biblical account of Adam and Eve. Prior to the creation of Eve, Adam was alone. To provide for Adam’s deepest needs for relationship, God made Eve and presented her to Adam. Adam instantly recognized her as his counterpart. He was captivated.

The account then goes on to say that they were both “naked, and they felt no shame.”3 They felt no fear of vulnerability, no need to hide their bodies or their hearts. They could be fully known and fully loved. There were no hindrances, wounds, or preconceived notions from the media or elsewhere that would distort their vision of their mate’s intrinsic created beauty or their value as an equal partner in the dance of life. They received one another as pure gift. It is a beautiful picture of emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy. This is what we were made to enjoy.

This total picture is often lost today. Men will associate intimacy with sex, women with emotional connection. Real intimate encounter includes both. The key to becoming intimate companions is to create a safe place where you can be free to share your deepest thoughts and feelings and enjoy the pleasure of unrestrained sexual closeness.

Sexual Intimacy

Sex is the most vulnerable and intimate expression of giving ourselves freely to each other as husband and wife in marriage. God created it as a gift through which spouses give and receive pleasure and experience nurture and a deep sense of belonging. Sex bonds us like no other experience in life.

God gave us our sexual organs for a reason—more than one, actually. For reproduction, to be sure. But clearly he also wanted us to enjoy our spouse’s body. Just look at the physiological evidence. Due to their larger pre-optic area of the hypothalamus, men have an inclination to be visually stimulated and respond to a woman’s body when they see one. Men also produce ten times more testosterone than women do, which accounts for the fact that men tend to think about sex far more often than their wives.

Women are endowed with a clitoris, which has only one function: sexual pleasure. Cultures that have a distorted view of male/female sexuality sometimes remove part or all of this organ to prevent female sexual excitement. They are violating the divine design. God gave women a clitoris because he clearly wants wives to enjoy the sexual experience every bit as much as their husbands do. Women, also, have much higher levels of estrogen than men, which promotes female sexual behavior.

When women give birth, their bodies surge with oxytocin, which allows them to relax so their milk flows and heightens their sense of love and attachment to their babies. Oxytocin is sometimes referred to as the “bonding hormone,” in that it creates a sense of trust and attachment.4 The hormone is calming, reduces stress, and promotes a sense of safety. Dr. Louann Brizendine, in The Female Brain, reports that “oxytocin is naturally released in the brain after a twenty-second hug from a partner—sealing the bond between the huggers and triggering the brain’s trust circuits.”5

When husbands and wives are in the throes of passion, oxytocin surges to five times6 its normal level in both partners, allowing them to feel relaxed, content, and deeply bonded.7 Additionally, orgasm triggers another neuro-hormone, vasopressin, which interacts with a man’s testosterone, boosting his energy, attention, and aggression. It causes him to be intently focused on his partner even when she is not present and stimulates monogamous behavior and parental nurture.8 It would appear we have hormonal motivation to stay emotionally and sexually connected to our mate!

These physical realities reveal that we were made to enjoy our spouse physically. Men and women experience their sex drive differently but both are created to enjoy sexual pleasure and fulfillment.9 Clifford and Joyce Penner note, “Each New Testament passage that addresses the husband-wife sexual relationship either begins or ends with a command for mutuality.”10

But our culture has focused so much on male pleasure and female acquiescence that we have lost sight of God’s original intent. The beautiful mutuality we were made for has been buried by distortions, resentments, demands, and expectations that have robbed our physical connection.

Because our sexual relationship is the place where we experience our most intimate oneness and vulnerability, it can also be the place of our deepest hurt.

Broken Sexuality

Our sexuality has suffered from two debilitating extremes—the seeking of personal gratification in sexual encounter and the denial of the importance and beauty of the sexual relationship. These two extremes can create a cycle of sexual dysfunction that damages many marriages.

Ryan and Sarah had become caught in a devitalizing pattern. After the birth of their first child six years ago, Ryan became frustrated with the infrequency of sexual connection. He felt rejected when he initiated sex with Sarah and she put him off or dismissed his overtures.

Having been exposed to pornography as a teen, he started viewing it as a way to satisfy his desire for excitement and stimulation. In the years that followed, Ryan engaged in porn whenever he felt stressed or distant from Sarah. Sarah was unaware of this habit, although she noticed Ryan was becoming more aloof and staying up late many nights. The issue exploded when their six-year-old daughter saw Dad’s computer one night on the way to the bathroom.

When they entered my office on a cold January day, both were distressed. Ryan’s face was flushed and defiant. He was obviously not happy to be there. Sarah sat in the chair opposite, bent over with her face in her hands, as she told me about the incident with their six-year-old.

“He just doesn’t care that he’s damaging our daughter,” Sarah said, struggling to hold back tears. “All he cares about is himself!”

“You are so overreacting!” Ryan blurted out. “You think Maddy is going to be scarred for life over one picture that was on the screen for a split second?!”

“What she has,” Sarah countered, “is a picture of her dad looking at the image of a naked woman. How do you think that makes her feel about you? Or herself?”

“You are blowing this so out of proportion.”

I needed to intercept this cycle of attack and defensiveness. “Let’s slow this down a bit so we can understand what’s really going on here. Sarah, how did you find out about what Maddy saw?”

“The next morning, she came down for breakfast and was unusually quiet. I asked her if anything was wrong, and she told me that she had seen a picture on Daddy’s computer that bothered her. When I asked what it was, she told me it was a naked woman. I just about hit the roof, but I knew I had to stay calm for her. I asked her if she saw anything else. She said no. But she said that Daddy told her it was ‘no big deal,’ that he was just surfing the internet for our next vacation. That was a lie!”

“What were you feeling inside when you first heard this from Maddy?”

“I was angry,” Sarah said. “He didn’t protect our daughter.”

“Any other feelings?” I prompted.

“I felt hurt and betrayed.”

“And what did you do or say?”

“I called Ryan at work and told him what Maddy said. I told him we needed to talk when he got home. Then I hung up.”

I turned to Ryan. “When she called you, what went on inside you?”

“I was embarrassed and angry. My coworkers could hear her ranting,” Ryan said.

“Did you feel anything else?”

“I was worried that Maddy was disturbed. And defensive because Sarah was yelling and I felt attacked.”

As we discussed the situation further, I learned that when Ryan got home, he yelled at Sarah for embarrassing him at work. She accused him of caring more about his reputation than his family. Both resorted to name-calling and contempt. As we were able to slow the reactivity and identify the feelings that were underlying it, each became aware of their internal fears and protectors.

Ryan admitted that he had viewed pornography “occasionally” over the years, stating that it was “normal” and that “all guys do it.” He had reasoned that, since Sarah didn’t know, it wasn’t really hurting their marriage. Viewing pornography made him feel more alive, but afterward he felt ashamed.

Sarah expressed the hurt and insecurity she felt as Ryan turned to pornography to meet his sexual desires. Her father had had a brief affair during her parents’ marriage, and she still carried the pain of that betrayal and its ensuing havoc on the family. She had vowed to never tolerate any infidelity in her marriage.

She also admitted that her attitude toward sex had been dismissive and that Ryan’s initiation had become a bother to her. She had rationalized that, as she was the mom of two active kids, Ryan should understand her level of exhaustion and not add to her plate by expressing a desire for sex. Over time, she had become critical of his frequent sexual desires.

My first order of business was to educate this couple regarding pornography and sexual addiction. I explained that dopamine, a neurotransmitter, is a key component in the reward/motivation pathways in the brain. The body releases dopamine in response to any activity that produces pleasure or promotes life (such as eating, planting a garden, sex, or pornography).

As Norman Doidge clarifies in his book The Brain That Changes Itself:

The reward center uses two different pleasure systems, one that excites and another that satisfies. The first system motivates us to go after things; it is largely fueled by dopamine. The second system makes us feel satisfied and happy after accomplishing something. It’s run by endorphins. Porn activates both of the reward center’s pleasure systems, but the wanting system is stronger than the satisfying system; porn hyper-activates our wanting system, pumping out dopamine in response to each new image. As a result, the user can get caught in a loop of wanting, using, pumping out a bunch of dopamine, in response to new images found while using, and then wanting even more.11

Essentially, dopamine can hook a man’s brain on porn. The more he views, the weaker the brain pathway to the normal arousal experiences of touch, cuddling, and the visual stimulation of looking at his real partner becomes. Porn creates a new pathway, which requires ever more stimulating images to return the user to the same level of pleasure.

Pornography can become a stubborn habit and, in some cases, build into a full-blown addiction. Many porn users report not being able to be aroused by anything but porn. They find that they need to look at porn more often or find more hard-core versions to get the same effect.12

Regardless of whether the partner knows, porn damages the marriage relationship. It warps the user’s idea of what sex is, creates secrecy, and breaks trust. Additionally, viewing porn can impact what the user expects of his partner.

When a person uses porn, their brain is wiring together what they’re seeing in porn with the feelings of arousal it creates, building new brain maps for both what they think is sexy and what they expect from their partner.13

Many partners feel inadequate because they are unable to compete with the pornography. Not only do they feel betrayed but, in many cases, partners exhibit symptoms of trauma.14

Even in the most mainstream porn, the sexual acts shown are degrading toward women and focused on male pleasure. This kind of sex is worlds apart from the mutually pleasurable, mutually honoring sexual intimacy characteristic of healthy marriages.

If you or your mate is involved in pornography, there is help. A good book to begin with is Healing the Wounds of Sexual Addiction by Mark Laaser.15 Two websites that may be helpful are www.fightthenewdrug.org and www.pureintimacy.org. I recommended to Ryan that he get professional help and suggested that he go to www.iitap.com to find a certified sex-addiction therapist.

Next I helped Ryan and Sarah understand each other’s deep needs and emotions. Sarah had a strong desire to be Ryan’s one and only love interest. Ryan was surprised that his viewing of pornography made Sarah feel very insecure about her body. Helping him understand the pressure women have in our culture to have the perfect body enabled him to see how his behavior had been, to her, like throwing salt in a wound.

Ryan also admitted that his libido for sex with Sarah had diminished the more frequently he had masturbated with the pornography. He was able to see how his dishonesty affected the relationship as it created a wedge in their ability to be open and intimate. Although he felt helpless to draw Sarah into more sexual engagement, he saw how he had violated the relationship by seeking sexual satisfaction elsewhere.

Sarah was able to see how her disinterest in sex was damaging the relationship. Early beliefs about sex had hindered her from full engagement with Ryan. Attitudes like “all guys ever want is sex” or “sex is all about him” permeated her thinking. Although she and her husband had enjoyed frequent sexual connection early in their marriage, once Maddy was born Sarah had started channeling her energies to her role as a mom. When Ryan pursued her for sexual connection, she tried to ignore him or accused him of being selfish and obsessed.

In time, Sarah realized how her early beliefs had robbed her of enjoyment of her own sexual pleasure. She had been so focused on Ryan’s satisfaction that she hadn’t learned how to guide her husband toward her erogenous zones. Both she and Ryan had bought into the “sex is for the guy” mentality, which caused Ryan to have a predatory mentality and Sarah to withhold. Both attitudes had robbed them of the joy of mutual pleasuring.

After a few sessions, Ryan acknowledged that his use of porn was hurting his marriage. He expressed sincere remorse and began to work on rebuilding trust. Sarah acknowledged that her dismissiveness was wounding a core part of her husband. Although Ryan’s interest had been hijacked by pornography, seeing her role in their dysfunction gave Sarah motivation to help repair their sexual relationship.

The Impact of Shame and Abuse

Because our sexual selves are so vulnerable to wounding, the experience of shame in this area of our lives is not uncommon. Many women feel insecure about their bodies. Comparing themselves to other women, such as models on magazine covers or actresses, they come to believe the body they’ve been given is “not enough.”

If a woman has been abused, molested, or raped, she may conclude that she is damaged or bad. In his book The Wounded Heart, Dan Allender describes the impact of shame and the dread of rejection that abused women experience: “It is the terror that if our dark soul is discovered, we will never be enjoyed, nor desired, nor pursued by anyone.”16 Men who have been sexually abused can also suffer from profound feelings of shame.

Because sex is one of the most beautiful expressions of intimate love, it is also very vulnerable to distortions and misuse. If you have been sexually violated, you know the wound of having this tender part of you abused for someone’s pleasure. You may even have come to a place of despising your own body because of the pain it represents. To you I would offer a word of encouragement: your body is beautiful, and just because someone else used it for their own purposes doesn’t make it any less beautiful. God made you and loves you, and he desires to make something beautiful from the ashes of your abuse.17

You may even have come to associate sex with perversion, bad memories, or pain. If so, I encourage you to seek the help of a qualified therapist who can help you overcome the traumatic injury you have experienced and restore your ability to enjoy the gift of physical closeness with your spouse.

Although God wants to restore all of our areas of brokenness, I think he may have a special heart for healing our sexual intimacy, because it touches our deepest vulnerability and provides our deepest human connection. It was his very first gift to us as male and female. He desires that we enjoy this gift to the fullest.18

For Wives Only

Ladies, I’d like to talk with you for a moment about how you are made physically. Guys, if you’re reading this, let me provide a word of caution: resist the urge to become your wife’s self-appointed sex coach. Let her be in charge of her own learning and invite you into the process when she’s ready. If you just want to find her “hot buttons” so you can more quickly get her to intercourse and your own sexual pleasure, you will lose the opportunity of becoming a savvy sexual partner. Your wife needs time to explore her body. If you seize control she will not feel safe and will likely pull back.

We women are more sexually complex than our husbands. Most of a man’s nerve cells are located in one organ. But women have multiple erogenous zones, which respond differently on different days.

So wives, get to know yourselves and what brings you physical pleasure. You may need to get some books to help you explore this part of yourself, such as The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex by Sheila Gregoire or The Gift of Sex by Clifford and Joyce Penner. Knowing about your body is a crucial part of learning about your individual preferences.

About half of all women sometimes experience orgasm through intercourse. Only 25 percent are consistently orgasmic during intercourse and 20 percent seldom or never have an orgasm during intercourse.19 Approximately 70 percent of women require clitoral stimulation for orgasm.20 It is safe to say that intercourse is not the primary key to sexual satisfaction for most women.

During intercourse, the clitoris is indirectly stimulated but may need more direct stimulation for orgasm to occur. Some women are more vaginally sensitive due primarily to two parts of their anatomy: the pubococcygeus (PC) muscle which surrounds and controls the lower third of the wall of the vaginal barrel, and the Grafenberg or G-spot, a mass of tissue located on the front wall of the vagina just beyond the PC muscle, which enlarges during sexual stimulation. These areas can be wonderful sources of sexual stimulation.

When you pay attention to and pursue what is pleasurable to you, you will be more interested in sexual engagement and more satisfied afterward. Your husband has no way of knowing what is going on in your body. Communicating with him your unique sensitivities and preferences from moment to moment is beneficial to a full and satisfying sex life.

Here are some suggestions for enjoying sexual intimacy with your husband:

1. Mentally shift into sexual gear. A woman’s most important sexual organ is her mind. Sex is a decision you make mentally. Women are great at multitasking. Our minds can often wander during sex. It is important to accept that reality but turn our attention back to our bodies and what they are feeling and enjoying, even as other thoughts will pass through our minds.

Have you been viewing your husband’s sexual drive as a nuisance? Have you slipped into an attitude of obligation? Have you allowed other responsibilities and interests to crowd out your energy for lovemaking? Your mind may need renewing in this area. As Sheila Gregoire states in her book on sex for young wives, “The key to a man’s heart isn’t to placate him; it’s to actually engage in the process.”21

If you have no energy or desire for sex, you might simply need more rest and self-care. But you may also have some negative messages that are preventing you from enjoying this aspect of your married life. If so, therapy could be beneficial in helping you reclaim your interest and joy in this area.

Here are some ways to get your mind engaged:

a. Plan a romantic or playful sexual encounter. The planning will get you focused and energized.

b. Set boundaries with whatever deprives you and your husband of intimate moments together (e.g., demands of children, distraction of television, an unlocked door).

c. Train your mind to “think sex.” After an exhausting day taking care of the kids or working, the last thing on your mind is sex. You’re preoccupied with what still needs to get done. But intimate physical closeness with your husband is as important as many of those tasks, if not more so. Take a few moments to consider when would be a good time to initiate sex—such as when your kiddos are asleep or your work requirements are the lightest. Schedule it on the calendar and protect that time from intrusions.

2. Nurture your sexual feelings. Learn about the parts of your anatomy that are most sensitive to sexual pleasure. Also pay attention to when during the month or day you are most sexually interested or responsive (e.g., at ovulation, in the morning).

Know your optimal conditions. Are you more sexually responsive after a time of playfulness? During a candlelight dinner? Following an extended time of talking or holding? And know what stimulates you: a romantic comedy, verbal affirmation, his undressing you, or passionate expressions of affection?

Exercise your body. Energy is essential to feeling sexual. A good jog or even just a few minutes at the gym may increase your natural hormone levels, fueling your desire.

Invite your husband to help you relax. Is there something he can take off your plate to allow you to be more available?

3. Know your husband. Ask your husband what he finds most pleasurable in your lovemaking. For a man, physical intimacy often opens the door to emotional closeness.

Intimacy for men is also about companionship. He wants to enjoy adventures in and outside of bed. He doesn’t want you to merely capitulate in sex to meet his needs, although he might settle for that if it’s all he thinks he can hope for. He wants to be partners in a mutual experience. Join him in the adventure.

Going after your own pleasure isn’t selfish. On the contrary, it’s a turn-on. Your husband wants to satisfy you sexually. Work on your self-consciousness and inhibitions so you can become more daring in your love life. Your husband is hardwired to be visually stimulated, and he enjoys the beauty of your body. Although you may think your body needs improvement in one or more areas, he is more easily satisfied. Allow him to see you naked.

Let these words from an Anglican wedding ceremony inspire you:

With my body I will adore you.

And your body alone will I cherish.

I will with my body declare your worth.22

4. Accept pleasure and give it. We are often more comfortable giving than receiving. Give yourself permission to take in compliments and physical pleasure and to receive stimulation.

For Husbands Only

As men, you naturally have a goal-oriented, competitive approach to life. Much of your work life has been focused on getting results. But that mindset will not lead to deep love, passion, or intimacy with your wife. “Sex is not about conquering, achieving or scoring; sex is about relating.”23

Being a great lover involves some critical shifts in the way you think about and approach sex. You need to change your perspective from pursuing an objective to enjoying the process of lovemaking. Your wife’s more complicated sexual makeup and multiple erogenous zones require you to take on the role of a symphony conductor, exploring nuances and inviting discovery. If you believe you have to be the quarterback with the winning pass, you might end up with a frustrating loss.

Be receptive to learning about your wife’s body and her desires. Keep in mind that what feels good to her changes with every encounter. You’ll need to be attentive and responsive to what brings her pleasure in any given moment.

If you think you’ve found the right button to turn her on every time, you will become frustrated and impatient when that technique doesn’t stimulate the same response consistently. Becoming a savvy lover is like being a surfer—you have to be tuned in to the waves and allow them to guide your next move in order to have the ride of your life and not wipe out.

Here are some tips to help you become a great lover:

1. Serve your way to better sex. Because you are more visually stimulated than your wife, and can reach an orgasm far more quickly, seek to serve her first. Women typically take three to ten times longer to reach orgasm than the average man.24 That’s likely because her brain’s anxiety center, the amygdala, needs to shut down to make her available for the experience. As Louann Brizendine explains:

Female sexual turn-on begins, ironically, with a brain turn-off. The impulses can rush to the pleasure centers and trigger an orgasm only if the amygdala—the fear and anxiety center of the brain—has been deactivated. Before the amygdala has been turned off, any last-minute worry—about work, about the kids, about schedules, about getting dinner on the table—can interrupt the march toward orgasm.25

So, slow down and enjoy the process of lovemaking. Focus on her enjoyment rather than your climax. Listen carefully to her verbal and nonverbal communication. She will sense your patience and selfless interest, and that will be a turn-on for her!

2. Bring back romance. When you first fell in love with your wife, how did you communicate your feelings? Did you call her frequently? Leave her cards, notes, little signs she was on your mind? Invest time in creating special moments and memories? Were you tender and patient? Resume those behaviors that made her fall in love with you. Let her know you are captivated by her.

Be intentional about the atmosphere and environment surrounding your relationship. How you treated her that day, whether or not you responded to her needs, if your tone was harsh or tender—all these factor into whether she feels ready to give herself to you physically.

3. Offer to help. Be conscious of all the roles and responsibilities your wife has to balance. When a woman has children to care for, a home to manage, extended family concerns, work, or projects she’s involved in, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed.

Find ways to lighten her load and let her know you appreciate all that she has to handle. For example, if your wife is a stay-at-home mom and you work outside the home, you may think she should be able to easily handle everything. But even if she had limitless capability and energy, she doesn’t want to feel alone in her load. To your wife, your interest in helping her is sexy. Sex begins in the kitchen . . . by you helping with the dishes!

4. Listen well. Women verbally process in a nonlinear, free-flowing way. Thinking out loud helps her connect emotions and thoughts. Your willingness to listen without giving advice or trying to fix everything is a gift and an expression of your love for her. It is also something she will deeply appreciate and respond to. Feeling more emotionally connected to you makes her more available for physical connection.

If you listen well, you will discover some keys to your wife’s heart and her desire to connect with you physically. What conditions cause her to be most sexually interested? After a time of playfulness? When you have her favorite shirt on? In the morning, afternoon, or evening? Right after you both shower? As she watches you play with the kids?

What form of non-genital touch does she most appreciate? A hug, holding hands, a foot rub? Treating your sexual relationship as a place of exploration will take the focus off demands and performance and introduce a sense of discovery into your lovemaking.

How you experience your sex drive is very different from your wife. What opens her to sexual intimacy is to feel treasured. Rather than pursuing your wife, assure her of her beauty and value. When you love her selflessly, without demands, her heart is drawn toward you and she becomes more open sexually.

A beautiful example of this dynamic is in the story of Solomon, who delights in his wife and affirms her. His adoration awakens in her a sexual hunger for him: “His mouth is sweetness itself; he is altogether lovely. This is my beloved” (Song of Songs 5:16). Ephesians 5:25 says it another way, “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting” (MSG).

Sex is a wonderful, bonding aspect of a couple’s relationship where they can enjoy a nourishing rhythm of physical connection interspersed with heights of intense passion.

Spiritual Intimacy

Spiritual intimacy is a mutually enjoyed experience of God’s presence and involvement in your life as a couple. The Judeo-Christian view of God is that he is personal—he loves us and wants a relationship with each of us.

Think of a braided cord with three strands. If there were only two strands, you might twist the two together as tightly as you could, but once you let go, they would unwind and separate. When you add the third strand and braid the three, a bond is created that holds them all together. Such a cord doesn’t unravel easily. As the two of you share hearts that desire to be close to God, a sense of unity and purpose is created that strengthens your marital bond.

Early in our marriage, my husband and I were given the following diagram. Though simple, it has been very helpful for us.

Spiritual intimacy, in the Christian context, is the process of becoming closer to God. As we each grow in our understanding of who God is, and seek to love him and align our lives with his purposes for us, we grow closer to one another. As we trust God more and become more vulnerable with him, we become more vulnerable and open with one another. The primary movement is toward God, and we as a couple benefit from the increased closeness to each other.

Your spiritual intimacy will be enhanced when you learn to pray as a couple. Praying together is a profound experience, as it joins your hearts in the midst of the concerns of your shared life and invites God into the challenges. Praying for your children can help unite you as you ask God for wisdom about each one’s unique needs and personality. Acknowledging your shortcomings to God as you pray together can help soften your heart toward each other and enable you to offer forgiveness more quickly. Praying for family members, work pressures, and life’s challenges can help you trust God with the realities of your lives and notice together any ways in which you see him at work.

Praying together consistently connects you at a deep level that keeps your relationship focused on what is important. There is no need to impress your spouse with your words as you pray. Keep it simple and sincere.

You may also find it helpful to read a spiritually enriching book or couples devotional together. Devotions for a Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas or The One Year Love Language Minute Devotional by Gary Chapman may provide inspiration for your marriage.26 Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage is another excellent resource for understanding Christian marriage.27 You could also read the Bible together. The book of John is a good place to start.

To further grow in your relationship with God and your spouse, find others who are seeking to grow in the same way. You may have been disappointed in organized churches, but finding a Christian community that stimulates you to grow and provides an environment where you can learn and pray with others will be a valuable support to your marriage and your faith.

You may also benefit from the opportunity to serve together—caring for the poor, volunteering, or offering your talents to support the community of faith. Serving side by side allows you to see your spouse’s heart in action and will strengthen your marriage bond.

Growing in your spiritual intimacy has incredible benefits for your emotional and sexual intimacy. As you become more confident that God loves you and is trustworthy, you will be able to move toward your mate with more vulnerability and less self-protection. As you spend more time with him, his character will rub off on you. You may become more compassionate, kind, and generous and better able to love your mate without demands or conditions.

By trusting God’s good intentions for your marriage, you will become more receptive to your mate, acknowledging that they are in the process of becoming who God designed them to be. You might even see your role in their transformation more clearly.

Though you know your mate has different emotional and sexual needs than you do, and you may already understand how to meet them, your intimacy with God will give you the heart to do so.

If your mate doesn’t share your interest in spiritual intimacy, you can still pursue your spiritual growth and allow God’s love to permeate your marriage through you.

Marriage provides us an enduring context in which to love, to be vulnerable and transparent, and to become intimate companions. Here you can create a safe place where you are free to share your deepest thoughts and feelings, enjoy the pleasure of unrestrained sexual closeness, and nurture your spiritual lives. As you initiate intimacy with your mate and open yourselves to the gift of each other, you will be well on your way to the thriving, lifelong marriage you desire.

Discussion Questions: Chapter 9

Group Questions

1. What does the word intimacy mean to you? Do you find yourself more comfortable with one form of intimacy than another (emotional, physical, spiritual, etc.)? What is your picture of what it means to have a truly intimate relationship? Share it with the group.
2. Do you agree that fear is the greatest hindrance to intimacy? Why or why not?
3. Generally speaking, what do you think is a woman’s greatest challenge with regard to physical intimacy? What is a husband’s greatest challenge? What does Genesis 2:22–25 say about the intimacy God intends for husband and wife?
4. Read Song of Songs 4:16–6:3 and 1 Corinthians 7:3–5. From these verses, do you think God intended for the sexual relationship between a husband and wife to be mutually fulfilling?
5. Read John 17:20–26. In Jesus’s prayer for us, what does it say about the intimacy we can enjoy with him and with God?
6. Do you seek a spiritually intimate relationship? Read Ephesians 5:25–32. How is the relationship between husband and wife to be like the relationship between Christ and the church? How could a husband’s sacrificial love for his wife and a wife’s respect for her husband lead to deepened spiritual intimacy? Share any “best practices” that help your relationship when it comes to spiritual intimacy.

For Personal Reflection

1. The greatest hindrance to intimacy is fear. Important questions you may ask yourself are, What scares me about being fully vulnerable with my mate? What do I withhold? What do I fear?

2. What feelings do you have about your sexual relationship with your mate? How would you like it to be different? What would you need to do to move in a more positive direction?

Of the suggestions mentioned in the “For Wives Only” or “For Husbands Only” sections, is there one thing you would be willing to work on to improve your physical relationship?

3. Have there been any ways you have been robbed (negative sexual messages, sexual abuse) or hijacked (pornography) that currently hinder the joy of your sexual relationship with your spouse? Are you willing to work on those to bring healing to your marriage? If so, tell your spouse. Resources were provided in the chapter for treating porn abuse and sexual addiction. The help of a qualified therapist can also be a necessary resource for overcoming the impact of sexual abuse and negative messaging about sex.

4. Is becoming spiritually connected important to you? What is your picture as to how that could benefit you and your relationship? If you are interested, see question 4 below for an idea as to how to begin.

Couple Questions

1. What does “emotional intimacy” mean to you? Share with your mate the times in your married life you have felt the closest. What were the factors that caused you to feel so close?

2. Do you feel you can be completely yourself with your mate, including your fears, weaknesses, dreams, and so forth? What hinders such openness between you? What is one thing each of you can do to remove the barrier to a closer relationship? A question you can ask your mate is, “What can I do or say (or not do or say) that will help you feel more comfortable and safe in sharing yourself with me?” Try to listen non-defensively and take their feedback to heart.

3. Having read your respective sections on physical intimacy (“For Wives Only” or “For Husbands Only”), share with your mate one thing you are going to work on to improve your physical relationship. Or, if you would like a more specific suggestion regarding improving your sexual life:

• For wives: thank your husband for his desire to connect with you sexually. Let him know how you feel when you are overwhelmed with tasks and share two things that would help you be more available when he wants to enjoy sex.
• For husbands: thank your wife for all she does to care for you and the family. If she is consistently unavailable sexually, let her know how it feels to you. (She needs to be allowed to say “no” at times.) Be vulnerable. She can’t know how you uniquely experience this as a man. Ask her what you can do to help lift her load.

4. If you have an interest in growing your spiritual intimacy, a simple way to do so is to go to www.marriageprayers.today and together pray the simple daily prayer for couples. Some couples enjoy starting their day with the prayer. Others like to do so as they head to bed at night. Whatever your rhythm, it is easy to understand and helps you connect in this heart-to-heart way.