Just like our real friends, sometimes feelings want something that we’re unwilling or unable to give. Or they may want something that it wouldn’t be wise for us to give. For example, greed may want us to steal something, despair may want us to cut ourselves, or anger may want us to punch someone. In these situations, it can be helpful to talk with the feelings, just like you would talk to a friend.
That may sound a little weird, so here’s an example of such a discussion, provided by my daughter, Nicole. She’s a teenager now and has kindly given me permission to share a very simple conversation she had with fear when she was in fourth grade. To set the stage, it was the evening before her school talent show. That afternoon’s rehearsal hadn’t gone well. She had “messed up.” She felt afraid that she would mess up again in the actual talent show in front of “the whole school.” When I guided her through the Befriending Feelings practice you just learned, and she asked the fear what it wanted from her, her fear said it wanted to be in charge.
Although this story isn’t about me, I will say that my initial thoughts at the time were Wait, fear can’t want that… That’s not how the practice goes. A feeling is supposed to want time, space, and attention… However, I took fear at its word and asked Nicole, “How do you feel about that?”
She said, “I don’t want it to be in charge.”
I said, “Okay, so tell it that.”
She told it that, and fear said, “Well, I still want to be in charge.” A few moments later, Nicole told her fear, “You can come, but you can’t be in charge.” Fear agreed to this compromise. Nicole chose to symbolize the agreement by putting a small Guatemalan worry doll in the pocket of her dress. So fear got to go, and joy was in charge. The next chapter has some suggestions for how to work with more typical teenage issues, especially when intense feelings want you to do something unwise or unhealthy.