When we’re upset in the heat of the moment—at the peak of the refractory period—we often react and just blurt out thoughts and feelings as they appear. If the person we’re interacting with does the same thing, we soon find ourselves tossed about on huge waves of reactivity, drowning in a shared tsunami of thoughts and feelings.
In this activity, you’ll recall a difficult interaction with someone, and use the accompanying cartoon to write about what you and the other person were feeling and wanting, and explore creative solutions that might help—or have helped—the two of you resolve the disagreement.
Take several slow, deep breaths, settling into stillness and quietness. Then remember a difficult discussion you had this week—a disagreement with a classmate, friend, family member, teacher, or someone else.
Once you have a clear memory of the interaction, you can fill in the cartoon. The first step in the process of communicating skillfully is to ask yourself, What did I feel? And what did I want? When you’ve brought to mind how you felt and what you wanted in the situation you have remembered, write it down. It’s fine to sum it up in just a few brief words or phrases.
Sometimes the answers to these questions are quick and clear. At other times, it may be helpful to slow down and really listen to what was true for you. Before moving on to the next step, it’s important to understand your emotions and your desires.
The second step is considering what the other person felt and wanted. This is the step people are tempted to skip. Yet without this step, it’s often difficult, if not impossible, to communicate and move toward a solution. So, for just a few moments, let go of what you felt and wanted and really consider what the other person felt and wanted. When you truly “get” the other person’s experience, write a few brief words or phrases describing it on the cartoon.
Now that you have a better understanding of what both you and the other person wanted and felt, the third step is to consider how you might have gotten out of this hole. What different streets could you have chosen? Were there any creative solutions you overlooked? If you have some ideas, write them down. If you feel stuck, consider talking to a friend or trusted adult about possible solutions.
You may think, Screw this! I don’t care. Yet if you were riled up and upset, it’s likely that you did actually care. Maybe you just cared about getting what you wanted, which would be totally normal. Or maybe you cared about the person you were arguing with. Or maybe, as is often the case, you cared about both.
In difficult interactions, the combination of paying attention to our own feelings and desires and considering the feelings and desires of others helps us be kinder to ourselves and to those we’re dealing with. Sometimes we can do this only after the fact; sometimes, if we are really practicing mindfulness, we can slow down and do this process in real time. If either after the fact or in real time, things have gotten off to a bad start or gotten out of hand, we may need to walk away, cool down, or just take a deep breath and begin again in the moment—pausing, moving through the described steps, and then saying something like, “Hey, we got off to a bad start. Can we start over? I’m really doing my best to share what’s important to me with you, and to hear what’s important to you, so that we can come up with something that works for both of us. Can we slow down and try this again?”
As you continue to practice mindful communication, try not to rush the process. Really take your time to understand what’s true for you and for the other person. For example, if a friend has rejected you, you might be tempted to pretend you don’t care. However, your truth may be I feel hurt, sad, confused, and angry. And even though this person continues to be unkind to me, I still want to be friends. It can be scary and feel vulnerable to admit how you really feel and what you really want, even if you’re only admitting it to yourself.
You may be surprised by what you discover when you take the time to understand what’s really true. You might realize that you really don’t want to be friends with this person. You might see that the other person feels insecure and doesn’t know how to be your friend. Or you may find that as much as you truly want to be friends, the other person doesn’t want to be friends with you.
Even if you don’t like what you discover, acknowledging what you feel and want and what the other person feels and wants provides you with the information you need to consider your choices. For example, if you understand that you want to be friends and that the other person is, at best, unsure about being friends, you have several options. You may choose to reach out to the other person and see what happens. You may choose to be a true friend to yourself, treating yourself with the kindness and respect that you absolutely deserve, and letting go of pursuing a friendship with this person. And you may choose to seek out other friends. The choice is yours. However, if you realize that the other person is actually being cruel, or bullying, please seek the support of a trusted adult.