As a teen, much of your difficult communication may be with your parents. As a parent, some of my most difficult communication is with my teens. Usually, these difficulties are because underneath whatever true craziness is going on, we really love each other. And it is the people we love who are most likely to get under our skin, push our buttons, piss us off.
So if you have a difficult topic that you wish to discuss with your parents—a poor grade; breaking a family, school, or even a legal rule; sexual activity; drug use; wanting some space and the opportunity to do things your own way; needing your parents to step up and offer more support; choosing your own path rather than the one they set out for you—the following practice could help.
As with other practices, this may feel awkward and overly structured at first. And especially if you and your parents are repeatedly falling into a hole about a particular topic, practicing discussing things using a new, intentional structure can be extremely helpful.
In this moment, you and your parents may be in a deep hole, or things may be fine, or even great. No matter how it is, I encourage you to share the following letter with your parents now. Then the next time there is something difficult to discuss, everyone will be prepared to practice a new way of communicating, understand the basics of the process, and have agreed to use this structure.
To introduce this new way of communicating to your parents, you can use the letter on the next page, filling in the blanks and giving them a copy or reading it to them from the book, or simply sharing the process with them in your own words. If you choose the last option, make sure you include all the steps.
I have been reading a mindfulness workbook and practicing—breathing, slowing down, being aware of thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations, circumstances, impulses, and interactions, and, most importantly, using this information to respond rather than react to various situations. (Responding is pausing and choosing behavior. Reacting is acting out of habit and upset.)
I am now inviting you to practice these skills too, in discussing (a difficult topic). Since this is a loaded topic, I am asking that we try something new, and we agree to use this format, which is specifically designed to enhance listening and understanding.
To begin, I will have minutes (an agreed-upon time) to simply share my view, feelings, experience, and requests. I will use I-statements, rather than accusations. You will listen and, to the best of your ability, not interrupt, disagree, express your concerns, or make your case either out loud or silently to yourself. Again, to the best of your ability, you will simply listen with your heart to what I have to say.
Then we will have a cooling off period of minutes/days (an agreed-upon time). Before you share your response, you will summarize what you heard me say and allow me to clarify anything that you have misinterpreted.
Then, you will have minutes to simply share your view, feelings, experience, and requests. I will listen and, to the best of my ability, not interrupt, disagree, express my concerns, or make my case either out loud or silently to myself. Again, to the best of my ability, I will simply listen with my heart to what you have to say.
Then, after another cooling off period of minutes/days, we will have a slow, mindful two-way conversation. Anytime someone feels things are getting heated, he or she may use a time-out signal, and we will all pause and take five full, slow, deep breaths.
Before we begin to practice this new way of communicating, we acknowledge that we may fall into old patterns, that developing new habits takes time, and that we still may not agree or find a mutually acceptable solution. The intention of this practice is to support us in hearing and understanding each other during our most difficult moments.
The essential elements of the process are that the speaker (the person initiating the conversation) agrees to share his or her view, feelings, experience, and requests, using “When you…I feel” statements rather than accusations. (Teen: “When you tell me to try harder, and I am really trying, I feel hopeless and alone.” Parent: “When you don’t respond to my texts, I feel worried and frustrated.”) Note: Feelings are variations of mad, sad, glad, afraid, hurt, lonely… You can find a useful chart of feelings can be found at www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/feelingsinventory0.pdf. Also note also that “I feel that you…” and “I feel like you…” are accusations, not feelings.
The listener agrees to listen from the heart, listen without interrupting, disagreeing, or expressing concerns, listen without making counterarguments, either out loud or silently, and after an agreed-upon pause of at least forty-five minutes, summarize what he or she has heard and understood, and ask for clarification.
Everyone agrees to breathe and to watch his or her own thoughts, feelings, physical sensations, and assumptions…as they appear… And when things get heated, to pause, breathe, begin again, have a sense of humor, and renew the commitment to really hearing each other and coming up with creative solutions.
If we aren’t able to manage the conversation on our own, we will seek support from a wise friend, or a trained professional.
Love,
A note to parents from Dr. Amy:
Dear Parents,
Your teen has wisely chosen to begin practicing mindfulness and courageously invited you to develop new and more effective ways of communicating. I encourage you to pause here and fully commit to doing this practice wholeheartedly with your teen the next time you address a difficult topic. I know for myself that I am most likely to not hear my kids and to force my own view when, underneath whatever rational argument I am making, I am concerned or afraid about my children’s well-being and the potential future negative impact of their choices.
When I am mindful, I can be aware of my concerns, fears, and desire to control, and then breathe, and listen, listen, listen, without preparing my counter arguments. Then when I have truly heard my teen, I can begin to look at potential solutions…and sometimes my response remains a simple parental “No.” This process minimizes the possibly that I will just dictate how things will go, without first truly hearing and understanding my teen.