The Aikido activity in chapter 56 is yet another way of looking at responding versus reacting, which you have previously explored in the Holes and Different Streets, Difficult Communication, and Hook Report activities.
This is not meant to suggest that the assertive way is the preferred, right, or better way to respond. In my experience, it’s helpful to look at these behaviors along a continuum, from submissive to avoidant to assertive to aggressive. For me, true mindfulness is skillfully choosing what is called for, moment by moment. Sometimes it is wise to be submissive. Sometimes a certain amount of clear, forceful energy is called for. However, if we are not mindful, we react out of habit, doing what we always do, trying to please or dominate others. The invitation is simply to recognize our usual ways of behaving and practice choosing our responses wisely, based on the circumstances.
One man’s amazing response to being threatened is described in a story, reported on National Public Radio, that challenges our preconceptions about when submission, avoidance, assertion, or aggression might be called for.
A tough teen approached a man, pulled out a knife, and demanded the man’s wallet.
Pause here and consider what you would have done if you were the man…
In all honesty, if I were in such a situation, as a petite five-foot-one-inch woman, I would have acted submissively, given the teen my wallet and my wedding ring, and begged him not to hurt me.
In this case, the man handed over his wallet. As the teen walked away, the man called out and offered his jacket and then invited the teen for dinner. The teen accepted, paid for dinner with the man’s money, and returned the man’s wallet. The man then offered him twenty dollars in return for the knife. (To read this true story in its entirety, visit npr.org and search for “a victim treats his mugger right.”)
I am not implying that this man’s response is the right way to handle this situation, or that any particular response is good or bad, right or wrong, better or worse. The intention in sharing this story is to explore our habitual responses and skillful alternatives. There may be powerful responses that never even cross our minds. And often what we are first inclined to do is not so helpful.