Everyone wants to be treated with kindness; we all want to be understood and loved. Yet in our society, we’re often focused on doing and getting—the classes we are taking, the sports we play, the activities we’re involved in, the jobs we do, our social lives and social media, getting good grades, getting into trouble, getting the coolest new phone, jeans, concert tickets.… The list goes on and on. In our media-driven frenzy, we often completely forget about less obvious and more important things, like giving and receiving kindness and love.
We almost never think of giving and receiving kindness and love as skills we can learn and practice. Yet we can practice them, and doing so can actually fill the sense of emptiness and desperate ache that drives so much of our other behavior. So practice now. You can read through the following instructions, or you can download and listen to the Loving-Kindness guided audio (available at http://www.newharbinger.com/33766).
Take your time to read and feel your way through this passage. Go slow and let the words settle into your heart:
Take a few slow, deep breaths and remember a moment when you felt that someone saw you for who you really are, understood you, cared for you, loved you.
The person could be a family member, a coach, a teacher, a mentor, a friend, a pet, or even a stranger in a moment of need…
Pick someone, imagine their face, their smile and their laugh, imagine just sitting and being with them…
If at first you don’t remember a moment, don’t struggle; just breathe and let a moment appear from your memory. It doesn’t have to be big or special; it can be very simple—a kind word, a smile, or a hand on your shoulder. (If no specific memory comes, simply allow a feeling of being loved to wash over you.)
Notice how this feels in your body. What does it feel like to remember being with someone you know understands, cares for, loves you?
Breathing, opening, and receiving the gift of kindness and caring. Take your time. There’s no rush.
Silently, with your mind and heart, send kind wishes to the person (or animal) you’ve remembered, perhaps saying May you be happy.
And feel their kindness, caring, love, coming back to you.
When you are ready, offer the same loving wish to yourself, saying May I be happy.
Now, remember another moment when someone else cared for or loved you; see their face, hear their voice and their laughter, feel their kindness, caring, and love, and send them a wish saying May you be happy.
Let these memories help you really feel the truth, that you are worthy of care and love, that you are truly loveable.
When you are ready, again offer the same loving wish to yourself, saying May I be happy.
Maybe the feelings of love and kindness you are having now seem small and hard to notice. Or maybe they feel very powerful and intense. However it is, is fine. There is no need for things to be different.
Breathe and stretch into the practice of sending and receiving kindness and love.
In the last few minutes of this practice, you can experiment with offering loving-kindness to people you love, to people you have never met, and to people you find it difficult to love or even to like. You can also try sending love to parts of yourself you dislike—like your frizzy hair, your slow reading, or your powerful anger: May my ex-best friend be happy. May my anger be peaceful and at ease.
Play with whom and what you send love to. Experiment with the phrases. Find what works best for you. It is fine if it feels awkward or silly. Give it a try. You might be surprised about what happens when you send caring and kindness to people or to parts of yourself that you dislike.
When you are having a bad day, remember that you can offer yourself the love and kindness you have found here, just by saying May I be happy silently to yourself.
Do this loving-kindness practice as often as you wish.
Let it remind you that you are loveable just as you are, and that you can send and receive love whenever you want.
To end this practice, say a couple of phrases for everyone:
May everyone be happy.
May everyone be peaceful and at ease.
And a couple of phrases for yourself:
May I be happy, just as I am.
May I be peaceful and at ease, just as I am.