I think I just gave Chaz some kind of breakdown. He doesn’t say anything and leaps into his car. He doesn’t open the door. He jumps over the door, into his seat, lands awkwardly with his legs sticking out and has to scramble in, all while trying to get the key into the ignition and start the car. He’s saying something like ‘sorry’ or ‘gotta go’ or ‘I have to be somewhere’ I think, but the words aren’t coming out properly, and just sound like he is trying to talk through a mouthful of snails.
I keep my sad face on until his car tears out of the carpark and disappears down the street.
All right, time to find Pip.
I turn around and don’t have to look very far. She’s walking back from the classroom, down towards the carpark.
‘Don’t worry,’ I say. Nothing could dampen my mood right now. I’m feeling very proud of my award-winning performance. ‘I’m pretty sure I just got rid of Chaz for good. There’s no way he’ll stick around after that.’
‘Well . . .’ Pip replies. ‘It’s just that . . .’
‘What?’
‘I kinda . . . stuffed it.’ She grimaces.
Okay, now I’m concerned.
‘What happened? I ask slowly.
‘Well I went into the classroom and she was all happy and blushing. It was very cute actually. You know how people get when they fall –’
‘What went wrong, Pip?’ I don’t need the flowers and rainbows.
‘Well, my plan was to tell her that she could do better,’ Pip explains. ‘I thought that if I could convince her that there were better people in the world to fall in love with than Chaz then maybe she would dream bigger, you know?’
‘What went wrong, Pip?’ I repeat. Get to the important bit.
‘Well, um, everything,’ she says. ‘First I said that I thought she could find someone better looking than Chaz. I told Miss Sweet that she was beautiful and she should really find someone super-hot. But it turns out that because Chaz is a swimmer he’s very . . . muscular, you know. And he actually has great hair. And bright eyes. You know what I mean by bright eyes?’
‘No. I don’t,’ I say. ‘But it sounds like you do.’
Pip goes red.
‘Let me guess,’ I say. ‘Chaz is really smart?’
‘He graduated high school when he was only fourteen!’ Pip exclaims. ‘He has something called a PhD from some super-famous university, and sometimes she calls him Dr Chaz just for fun!’
‘Gross.’
‘I thought it was cute actually,’ Pip says. Blushing again. Oh man, she’s falling in love with Chaz too!
‘You’re not really getting the hang of this bad twin thing, Pip. What happened next?’
‘Well, I said she should find someone kinder.’ Pip continues. ‘You know, he spoke to us pretty rudely at the pool and I said that kindness is the most important quality of all when looking for someone to fall in love with.’
‘That would have worked?’ I guess.
Pip pulls a face. ‘Not quite. On the weekend, Chaz takes rescue dogs on walks. Sometimes Miss Sweet goes with him and she told me about this one time when he stopped all the traffic on Main Street so that he could assist a line of little ducklings across the road.’
‘Ugh. Pathetic.’
‘No, it’s adorable!’ Pip says. ‘At this point I was getting a little crush, you know? I began to think Miss Sweet should hold him tight and never let go.’
‘It’s all right,’ I concede and turn towards the street. ‘I’m pretty sure I scared Chaz off anyway, so it shouldn’t matter. Let’s go.’
‘There is one more problem,’ Pip says and I realise she’s not walking with me.
‘What?’
Pip shuffles from foot to foot.
‘Well . . . I could see how sweet she was on him and . . . well . . . I couldn’t really hold it together.’
‘Hold what together?’
‘PIP!!!’