Chapter One
Take Personal Responsibility
“In the long run, we shape our lives, and we shape ourselves. The process never ends until we die. And the choices we make are ultimately our own responsibility.”
—Eleanor Roosevelt
Taking personal responsibility is the foundation of reducing our stress. When we practice true personal responsibility, our entire outlook on life changes. And our results change too: when we focus on taking personal responsibility, we achieve far more. We no longer put energy into complaining and feeling stressed out about what we can’t control; instead, we focus on what we can control: ourselves. Our focus shifts from what is external to what is internal: our thoughts, actions, and behaviors.
When we take responsibility for ourselves, we become accountable not just for the work that we do, but for the decisions we make, the way we treat others, the way we spend our time, and the way we prioritize our lives. Every aspect of our lives reflects the choices we’ve made and how we’ve responded to our life experiences.
We aren’t responsible for everything that happens in our lives, but we are responsible for how we respond to it.
When we stop blaming external circumstances and recognize our power to make different choices, we have achieved true personal responsibility. It’s a simple concept but very challenging to live.
Taking Our Power Back
One of our biggest sources of stress is that we give our power away to people and situations that are beyond our control. We think that external events and individuals make us feel a certain way rather than recognizing that we choose to feel that way. When my mom first got sick, all I could focus on was how upset I was. But choosing to be upset and distraught didn’t help me. It just increased my stress. So, I made different choices. I moved to action: I looked at what I could control, and I focused on that. I asked friends for help, and I reached out to the Alzheimer’s society. I started to take better care of myself so I was more capable of managing my stress. I focused on what I was grateful for. Yes, I was still heartbroken, but I made different choices about how to respond to that heartbreak. I shifted my internal world to be better able to respond to my external stressors.
When we blame external circumstances or other people for our stress, we give our power away.
We point to something outside of us and say, That’s the cause of my stress and I can do nothing about it . Almost all of us do this as a natural first reaction to a stressor. How many times have you pointed at your coworkers or your boss or your kids or your workload and thought, You’re making me so stressed out ? When I catch myself thinking those totally natural, but utterly useless thoughts, I switch my focus back to myself and think about healthy ways I can respond to my stressors. Then I’m taking personal responsibility.
Many of us can also blame ourselves for the situation we are in or the stressors we have. When I get super stressed out, the first thing I do is get mad at myself—why did I take on so much work, why am I not managing my time better? The next thing I do is blame my husband or my kids (but only in my mind because some wise part of me knows it’s not really their fault). My train of thought flies along like this: How could he be on this business trip when I have two sick kids and a huge deadline looming? Why are the kids having meltdowns every seven minutes; it’s their fault I don’t get any writing done!
How about you, who is your first blame victim?
How does blaming others help you deal with the situation?
It feels good to be righteous and infuriated for about five seconds; then it just feels pointless because it doesn’t resolve the situation. When we’re blaming something outside of ourselves, we aren’t taking personal responsibility.
If we can slow down enough to notice that we’re playing the blame game and it’s getting us nowhere, then we can make a different choice. When I’m in my wise place, I take a deep breath and realize that all I have to do is feel what I’m feeling. Usually talking to a friend about how anxious or overwhelmed I’m feeling is enough to calm me down. After I’ve done that, I can look at what I’ve done to create the situation, seek solutions to resolve the situation, and then take action.
When we concentrate on taking personal responsibility, we’re able to create true change in our lives. Instead of blaming others, we focus on ourselves and how we can respond differently to our challenges and stressors.
And we have to focus on ourselves because we are the only ones we can change. Trying to change someone else only causes us more stress.
I’m sure we’ve all lived this; I’ve certainly tried and failed to change many people in my life. If my boss would just give me more feedback, if my husband would just bring home more chocolate, if my kids would just magically clean up after themselves, then I would be happier. Do you know how much stress I’ve caused myself (and others) trying to change other people? Way too much. How about you? How much stress have you created by attempting the impossible?
I’ve finally got the message loud and clear: the only person I can change is myself and when I focus on that, I’m way more calm. When I focus on myself, I’ve got power in the situation because I can take action rather than trying to change something outside of myself.
If you are like many of my clients, you have numerous sources of stress that are completely beyond your control. You might have difficult coworkers, impossible clients, an evil boss, or completely unrealistic workloads. In addition to those, you might have financial pressures or aging parents or challenging children. If you’re really unlucky, you’ll have all of those stressors happening at once. If I could give you a magic wand to make them all go away, I would. Since that’s not possible, I suggest you focus on the only magic you have: transforming how you respond to your stressors. That’s how you’ll reduce your stress.
Let’s look at how a client of mine transitioned to taking personal responsibility by shifting his focus from his stressors to his response.
George’s Journey From Panic to Peace
George Haynes was unusually flustered when he called me: “I need a coaching session in the next two days if at all possible. Please tell me you can fit me in.”
George was a student from one of my leadership programs—I’d spent two years working with his company, so I knew him well. He was a high-level executive in his late forties who was both confident and competent.
When we spoke, everything became clear. A new CEO had taken over the company two months earlier, and, based on his behavior, George was quite sure that this new guy was out to fire him. George had a hunch to his posture I’d never seen before and dark circles beneath his brown eyes.
The CEO was micromanaging George, taking work away from him, dealing directly with his staff, and cutting him out of the loop. George was angry about this behavior, but he was also beginning to doubt himself. He’d always felt competent in his role, and he was good at making decisions and building rapport with his staff. Now that he was being micromanaged and losing connection with his staff, he was losing confidence.
When we first spoke, George was really worked up. He was having trouble sleeping, working late every night, and very tense. He knew his stress was damaging his relationship with his wife and kids as he was distracted, less patient, and snapped easily, but he couldn’t get it under control.
He spent the first fifteen minutes of our conversation citing specific and deeply upsetting examples of how his new CEO was treating him. Every time I tried to steer the conversation back to George, he turned it back to his CEO.
His response to the situation was completely natural.
The problem is that when we give too much of our energy to what’s stressing us out, we are focused on the problem, not the solution.
Finally, I said to George, “I know you’re really upset about the CEO, but there’s nothing you can do to change his behavior. Can we please focus on what you can do to manage the situation?”
“What I can do? I can’t do a damn thing. I’ve thought about talking to him, but I’m so frustrated I’m sure I’d blow a gasket. I can’t stand this guy.”
We’ve all felt this way, but it’s a dangerous trap to get into because we’re giving all our power away. We’re allowing a person or a situation to make us feel upset or when we can choose a different response .
George and I talked more, and he realized that there were actions that he could take. He had power in the situation, he just wasn’t using it.
“I know I should ask him why he’s micromanaging me, and I should call him out when he talks to my staff directly without including me.”
“Okay, so why haven’t you done that so far?”
“Because I might get really angry. And I’m afraid if I push him at all, he’ll fire me.”
Now we had something to work with! We talked through George’s anger and his fear; then I asked a question: “What will happen if you don’t talk to your boss and give him this feedback?”
“Oh man, it’ll just get worse. He’ll keep walking all over me. I’ll spend every minute of the day in a rage. Plus, I’ll get even more stressed and keep losing sleep, and things will get even worse at home.”
Well, that was pretty good incentive to take action. We identified some specific small steps that George could take. One of the first places we focused was on George getting a better handle on his stress so that when he did engage with his manager, he would be calm and collected. He committed to leaving work on time and meditating before bed because working late and not sleeping were killing his ability to manage any kind of stress.
Next, I asked George, “What are you doing that is contributing to the situation?”
“Nothing. I’m not getting angry; I’m just taking it all. I’m putting up with all this guy’s crap.”
“So that’s how you’re contributing to the situation then,” I said.
“What?” His eyes widened. “I just told you I’m not doing anything. He’s the one with the problem.”
“You have a problem too. You’re ‘putting up with all his crap.’ You’re not giving your new manager feedback or helping him to understand his impact on you.”
“Oh, I see what you mean.” He nodded.
“You’ve also made up a story that he wants to fire you. That may be true, but another possibility is that he’s in over his head, desperate to prove himself in his new role, totally overwhelmed, and defaulting to micromanaging.”
George shook his head. “Seems unlikely. ”
“I’d just like you to be open to the possibility that the story you’ve made up isn’t the truth, that there might be something else altogether going on.”
“Sure, if you say so,” he said in a tone that said he’d never believe that. He stared at his notebook, but he’d stopped taking notes.
“George, this is important. If you keep treating this guy like he’s your enemy and he’s out to get you, he’s going to pick up on that hostility, and it’ll be hard to make your relationship work.”
George’s head snapped up and his brown eyes were bright. “You’re right. That’s another thing I’m responsible for, how I’m treating him, if only in my mind. I can’t even say out loud all the terrible thoughts I’ve had about this guy.”
“So, what can you do the next time you start ranting about him, even if it’s just in your mind?” I asked.
“I can remind myself that I don’t know his story. He might not be trying to piss me off. He might just not know how we work here.”
“Great. I just think if you can relax about him, your relationship dynamics might start to shift. Now, what can you do to deal with some of his more frustrating behavior?”
“The next time he micromanages me or talks to my staff without me in the loop, I’m going to give him some feedback.”
George knew a feedback model from my leadership courses—you’ll learn it in Chapter Three: “Have Difficult Conversations.” We role-played the conversation, and George found the words that felt authentic to him and felt confident that he could deliver them in a calm and curious tone. This is what he came up with after a few attempts:
Bill, I’ve noticed that you’re giving me lots of specific directions on handling this project. I’m not sure if you realize that I’ve been the project lead for over a year. Is there a specific way you’d like me to handle it, or are you just making sure I know what I’m doing?
We talked about the importance of tone and delivery, and George acknowledged how important it was for him to let go of his hostility and approach the conversation with openness and curiosity .
George left our meeting feeling like he’d taken his power back by identifying what he’d been doing to contribute to the situation and how he could respond to his boss differently.
George’s Results
When I met with George two weeks later, I was curious to hear how it had gone. Had he managed to focus on what he could control and reduce his stress by putting less energy into his manager, getting more sleep, and leaving work at a reasonable hour? Did he have the courage to have the conversation and give his manager feedback? Was he able to maintain a curious tone, or had the frustration and hostility built up too much?
When he walked into the room, George looked like the man I’d known for the past few years. His shoulders were no longer hunched, but relaxed, his eyes were clear and bright and the dark circles beneath them had faded.
“I’ve been sleeping! I feel like a different person.”
I refrained from telling him he looked like one too. “And how’s it going with the CEO?”
“I admit that the first time he micromanaged me after we met, I didn’t say anything. I was just too nervous about how he’d react. That night I couldn’t sleep, and I was all caught up in frustration and fear again. I felt like I was working myself back into the knot we’d just untangled.”
I nodded. “It’s pretty normal to have to psych ourselves up for a tough conversation.”
“You got that right.” He nodded. “But I knew that the only thing I could do in this situation was to tell him how he was impacting me and that the sooner I did it, the better. I’d be less frustrated and hostile, and, hopefully, it would change things. So, a few days later he was giving me instructions on how to do something I’d done a thousand times before, and I said almost verbatim what we’d practiced. I was really calm, and I was genuinely curious. I said, ‘I’m not sure if you realize it, but I’ve been doing this task for nearly five years. I’m happy to adjust my approach if you want it done the way you’ve just described, but this is why I do it this way.’ Then I explained why I handled it the way I do.”
“And . . . how did he respond?”
“I think he was a bit surprised as I’d never reacted to his micromanaging before, but he listened, and then he said, ‘I understand why you’d do it that way—it makes sense to me, but I still think you should add in this step. How does that sound?’ To be honest, I was a bit annoyed about the step he wanted added in because I don’t think it’s necessary, but I was thrilled that he was asking me, not telling me. More than that, it was liberating to finally speak up. I wanted to dance out of his office, I felt so good.”
Over the next few months, George still had challenges to work out with his manager, they had more conversations and disagreements, and occasionally George fell into the trap of focusing on his frustration with his manager rather than focusing on himself and his response to his manager. But overall, things improved dramatically after he took his power back by taking personal responsibility.
George took control of what he could influence, and that made the difference. Even though their relationship was still challenging, George felt his manager had new respect for him because he’d started to speak up for himself.
Your Power
Is there someone at work that you give your power away to?
How could you change the way that you respond to that person?
How can you focus on yourself so that you have power to change the situation?
As we’ve established, you can’t change another person.
When you find yourself putting a lot of thought and energy into thinking about someone else and their actions and behavior, catch yourself and stop. It’s wasted energy. Start thinking about yourself and what you can do to take care of yourself while dealing with this difficult person.
That’s where your power lies. Consider different ways that you can respond to the challenges you’re having. That’s useful energy. That’ll get you somewhere.
I’ve developed the following questions to use with my clients. I encourage you to start using them for yourself when you are in a stressful situation. They will help you take personal responsibility and focus on how you can resolve the situation rather than staying stuck and stressed out.
Personal Responsibility Questions
1. Why is this so upsetting for me? This question helps you identify what you’re feeling and why.
2. How did I contribute to this? This question helps you identify how your behaviors might have contributed to the stressful situation and begin to change them.
3. What can I learn from this situation? When you focus on learning from the situation, you can concentrate on growth rather than stressing out.
4. What can I do about this situation? This question helps you focus on specific solutions and strategies.
5. What can I do differently next time ? This step helps you identify the specific behavior that you need to alter to get different results in the future.
The next time you feel really frustrated by a person or situation, take a few minutes to ask yourself these questions. By exploring the answers, you start to shift your mindset. Answering these questions will help you stop giving your power away and take true personal responsibility .
Commit to Yourself
Taking personal responsibility means that we become accountable to ourselves. We recognize that taking care of ourselves and meeting our own personal commitments is crucial to our well-being (yes, I am going to exercise three times a week, really, I am!). When we look at our lives, we can see that our reality reflects the choices we have made and how we have or have not committed to ourselves.
I’ve wanted to write books since I was in my teens, but, for a long time, I chose to watch television, go out dancing, hang out with friends, and do pretty much everything but write. When I turned forty, I felt incredibly happy with my life—I had a wonderful relationship with my husband, two happy, healthy kids, and a flourishing and fulfilling business. I had great friends and I’d traveled a lot. I’d committed to myself and taken action to build a life that I loved. My only disappointment was that I hadn’t published a book. On my fortieth birthday, I committed to myself and my writing in a way that I wasn’t able to before. If you’re reading this book, it means I followed through.
What are the ways you want to commit to yourself more?
How can you take small steps to build your commitment to yourself into your life?
Over the last few years, I’ve taken both large and small steps to build more writing into my life. I’ve scheduled writing time in my calendar and stuck to it. I’ve hired writing coaches and joined writing programs. Those actions have made a world of difference because I’ve invested in my goals financially and emotionally. I’ve gotten tools and feedback that have helped me grow as a writer, and I’ve had deadlines.
But before I could do all those things and truly commit to my writing, I had to give myself permission. Permission to pursue my passions, to risk being seen as self-indulgent, to work on something that wasn’t about earning money or looking after our family but was just about me wanting to share what I know and to grow as a writer. It’s been challenging, and I still have moments of guilt, but I’m pushing through those feelings to do what I’ve given myself permission to do: to write.
What do you need to give yourself permission to do?
It might sound ridiculous for me to say, “give yourself permission,” but give it a try. For me, it was a game changer. I don’t know about you, but often I don’t make time to take care of myself or focus on my goals because I prioritize other people’s needs before my own.
We have to start prioritizing our own needs if we want to have fulfilling careers and personal lives.
Just think of one small action you can take to commit to yourself and start doing it. It can be as simple as going to bed without cleaning up the kitchen because using that time to have a bath or read a book will help you reduce your stress more. Maybe you need to push back on other people’s priorities at work to ensure that you’re meeting your own. You know what you need to do. The key is to take action.
Last year, I told my husband that I wanted to spend a bit more time writing and a bit less time consulting and asked him how he felt about the financial impact of that. His answer shocked me to no end.
He said, “I’m totally fine with it, but you realize this is the third time in the last two years that we have had this conversation?”
What a wake-up call that was for me.
I’ve clearly tried before and failed to prioritize my writing. Putting myself and my needs first is hard. Really hard. I grew up with a younger brother with a disability and a mother with serious health challenges. I’ve always felt that my needs had to come last. Prioritizing my needs has been one of the great lessons of my forties. I’m still learning it.
I’m learning to say no to clients and friends and to my husband and kids so I can say yes to myself. It’s awkward and unsettling and feels very wrong, but I’m doing it anyway. And guess what? Our relationships aren’t suffering. If anything, they are improving, because I’m taking better care of myself.
If you’re in the same boat as I am, and poking yourself in the eye with a fork feels like a preferable option to saying no, here are a few tips on how to put yourself first and just say no:
And for those of you who just can’t find the words, I’ve been using these phrases lately:
So many of us have been raised to put others first and while that’s a lovely idea, I’m not raising my kids that way. I’m raising them to balance their needs with the needs of others, so they don’t get lost in taking care of everyone but themselves.
I’m working hard to get better at committing to myself and saying no to requests that don’t align with my priorities. When I take good care of myself and I’m doing work I’m passionate about, I’m happier and more relaxed.
When we’re more accountable to ourselves, we can live a life that’s aligned with our own goals, values, and dreams. This energizes us, and we’re naturally more productive and less stressed out.
Recently, my kids and I were talking about a family whose last name was Wright, and my seven-year-old son said to me, “Mommy, your last name should be Wright.” I asked him why he thought that, cringing inside because I was sure he was going to say because I always think I’m right. Instead, he said, “Because you write so much.” I did a little dance of joy because you can count on your kids to speak the truth.
Be Patient With Yourself
Even though I wrote a book on reducing stress and increasing productivity, I still get stressed out. I’ve created stress for myself while writing this book, irony of all ironies. I set myself unrealistic deadlines (as I often do) and took on too much consulting work when I should have been writing. No one is perfect.
We’re all doing our best, learning and figuring things out as we go, so let’s go easy on ourselves .
As we pay more attention to the choices we make, we can start to take more personal responsibility. It will take time. Change is unlikely to happen overnight. Most of us are undoing a lifetime of patterns by changing how we prioritize our needs, respond to stress, and shift our mindset from blaming to taking personal responsibility. Be patient and compassionate with yourself as you go through the challenging process of changing your ingrained responses.
Conclusion
This is your life—as the brilliant poet Mary Oliver put it, “your one wild and precious life.”
If you don’t take responsibility for how you’re responding to the stress in your life, you’ll never be able to change it.
Focus on what you can learn from the past, what you can do differently in the future, and then take action.
You can’t control what other people do or how your workplace operates, but you can control how you respond to it. Every choice you’ve made up until this point has led you to where you are right now. When you take personal responsibility for your actions and responses, get clear on your priorities, and commit to yourself, you’ll be able to make different choices and significantly decrease your stress and increase your productivity.