YOUR PLAYMATES AND PLAYGROUNDS
When I was in middle school, I spent a lot of my time hanging out with a small group of friends. Though I lived in the country outside of town, the other four boys in our group all lived near each other in the same neighborhood. We were a real “band of brothers”; five boys who would spend our free time together, get into mischief together, and always have each other’s backs. We spent the summers, weekends, and after-school hours together.
We definitely did things we shouldn’t have done. Like most middle-schoolers, we weren’t trying to follow Christ at the time, and we pretty much personified the definition of immaturity. For example, if one of us liked a girl, we would show our affection for her by TPing her house, wrapping it in toilet paper. We called our group the “Pearly Whites,” because—again, the picture of immaturity—if someone drove by while we were TPing a house, we would turn around, drop our pants, and “moon” them.
Fast-forward to college, and I again had a band of brothers I would hang out with. It was a different town, different group of people, different stage of life, and different kinds of trouble we would get into, but the idea was still the same. We did life together. We had each other’s backs. Once a guy picked a fight with me, and before I could get a punch off, he had been attacked by four of my closest friends. If one of us got in trouble, we were all thinking about how to get him out. We were as close as family—closer, actually, than I was with my family at that time—and we never had to be alone because we were always there for each other.
All of us have a deep desire within us for that kind of community, even from an early age. In kindergarten, we designate someone as a “best friend.” We join teams or clubs at least partly so we can build relationships. We form groups of friends or cliques (or secretly wish we were part of one). We want to belong and be in close relationship with someone. It’s a desire that’s hard-wired into us.
As we become adults and are officially “independent,” some people think that we no longer need close friends. This is a mistake. You don’t grow out of your need for community. In fact, I’d argue it becomes even more important as you enter adulthood.
Not Good to Be Alone
Life is really all about relationships. It’s not about work, or money, or material goods. You can be happy without those things, as long as you have healthy relationships. But it’s much harder, if not impossible, to be happy if your relationships are broken (or nonexistent).
Most people are probably familiar with the Bible verse that says “It is not good for the man to be alone” (Gen. 2:18). If nothing else, you’ve probably heard it at a wedding. It’s usually brought up in the context of marriage; after all, right after God made this observation, he created a woman (Eve) so that the man (Adam) wouldn’t be alone.
This verse is talking about more than just marriage. After all, God didn’t say “It is not good for the man to be single.” He said it’s not good for the man to be alone. It’s not good for any man, or any member of humankind, to be alone. We were created to be in relationship with other people.
God’s “not good” proclamation becomes more significant when you look at it in context. In Genesis 1, God has just created the universe and everything in it. He created everything in six days, and six times he declares that what he created was “good.” He created light, and “saw that the light was good” (1:4). He created land and water, and “saw that it was good” (v. 10). He created plants, and “saw that it was good” (v. 12). And so on, six different times. After the sixth time of seeing that something was “good,” he looked at everything all together and saw that it was “very good” (v. 31).
So, God has said over and over that all he has made was good, and then, for the very first time, he said that something was not good. This exception is kind of jarring. If something is not good, it’s bad. Everything’s been good, but now there was something wrong with creation. What’s wrong? The man was alone. He’s not supposed to be alone. That’s not what God intended. So God solved the problem by creating another person for Adam to be in relationship with. In creating this one relationship, God created a way for humanity to multiply, offering the possibility of other relationships.
If you’re going through this life alone—not “single,” but “alone”—then that’s bad. It goes against your very nature. It’s not good to be alone.
Solitary Confinement
There’s an extreme example from today’s world that proves the point.
Society punishes those who break its laws by putting some of the worst offenders in prison. Part of the reason why prison is considered punishment is because it limits your access to family and friends. It makes you more alone, even if you are in a building with hundreds of other residents.
But what happens if someone who’s already incarcerated breaks the rules of the prison? There’s another level of punishment for such people, one that’s considered much worse than merely being in prison. It’s called solitary confinement. The person stays in the prison, they’re still locked up, and the length of their sentence isn’t changed; the only change is that they must spend the time alone. Other than the death penalty, that’s the worst punishment our society has come up with: simply forcing you to be all alone. No human interaction whatsoever. And it’s a terribly harsh punishment. But the reason why it’s considered the strictest of punishments is because we are not meant to be alone. It goes against our very nature. We’re created for close relationships.
While solitary confinement is terrible, some free people willingly choose to isolate themselves. They’re not confined, and they may physically be around a bunch of other people, but they choose to keep their distance relationally.
Today’s young adults are literally the most “connected” generation in the history of the world. But they’re also among the loneliest, with many of them having no close relationships of any kind. I call them “the lonely generation.”
The statistics back this up. According to a study conducted by Duke University and the University of Arizona:
Multiple other studies have shown that the loneliest people in society are young adults.2 For example, one Australian study found that people ages 24–34 were by far the most likely to be lonely, with 30 percent saying they “frequently feel lonely.” For comparison, among those ages 35–39, only 6 percent said they often felt lonely.3
Why is this? Better yet, how is this even possible?
It’s not like this generation is composed of a lot of shepherds or hermits out in the wilderness who rarely see another human. We’re more urban than ever; odds are, there are a few thousand people within a mile of where you live. We live in giant cities, in busy apartment complexes, and work in office cubicles where the walls between us are only four feet tall. Forget lonely; it seems like we’d have to work really hard to even be alone.
And that’s not even accounting for technology, which allows us to talk with people and stay in relationship with them even if they’re far away. Take Facebook, for example: the average adult Facebook user has 338 “friends” on the social network, and young adults tend to have even more than that.4 And it’s not like our generation is on just one social network; we also have Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn, and a host of others. With so many friends and the ability to connect with them in so many ways, how could we possibly be lonely?
However, our extreme connectedness is part of the reason why we lack true connections. You can’t have 338 close friends. It’s impossible. There aren’t enough hours in the day. You can have 338 acquaintances, or 338 people whom you’ve met and had a few conversations with. But how many people do you hang out with and discuss important life issues with on a daily or weekly basis? You might have 338 people in your phone’s contact list, but how many of them have called you today just to see how you are doing?
This is why some people who seem to be the most outgoing, who know everyone and are always the life of the party, are still secretly lonely. Everyone knows who they are, but nobody really knows them. Nobody knows what’s going on in their life, what they struggle with, or what dreams they want to fulfill. Casting a wide net and having hundreds of “friends” can actually be a way to intentionally avoid being known for who you are. On the flip side, just because someone is introverted or shy doesn’t mean they have to be lonely. Such people can sometimes be better at developing deep relationships with a smaller number of friends.
Friends vs. Community
The message here is not just to have friends. It’s to have people in your life who provide you with what I like to call community.
What do I mean by that?
A community is a group of people who are committed to being a part of your life and seeking what’s best for you, no matter what. They care enough for you to speak the truth to you, even if the truth is hard to hear, and love you enough to provide tough love if needed.
Most “friends” don’t fully fit that definition, and someone can be a part of your community even if they might not otherwise be someone you’d choose as a friend. Friendships are often based on common interests and proximity: a person you work with likes the same obscure British TV shows as you do, so you discuss the latest episodes and maybe hang out to watch them together. Or you meet someone on your softball team who also likes to compete in triathlons, and since you’re both crazy that way, you start training together. Those friendships are fine, and they could develop into community, but they usually don’t. And sometimes, if you move or your interests change, those friendships fall by the wayside.
Someone you’re in community with might not share any of those surface-level common interests. They might, but it’s not a prerequisite. But you will share one thing in common: an interest in doing what’s best for each other and helping each other navigate the choices and decisions in life.
I’ve heard it said that a friend is someone who will come bail you out of jail, while a best friend is someone who is sitting beside you in that cell saying “Man, we really messed up this time.” If that’s the illustration, then community would be a group of people who did everything they could to keep you out of jail by addressing the pattern of bad decisions or the bad habits that they knew might land you there eventually. If you still ended up in jail, they’d come visit you there and bail you out if needed. But they also might intentionally not bail you out if, based on their deep knowledge of your life and your situation, they all agree it would be in your best interest for you to face the consequences of what you’ve done. After all, it might be the wake-up call you need to get your attention and get you to make needed changes before something even worse happens to you. They’ll stick with you through it all, but they won’t enable or encourage you to make bad choices.
You don’t get to pick and choose when they do this for you. They just do it. They’re committed to loving you in a way that sometimes hurts, and you have to have the maturity to see that this is necessary.
If that sounds like something your father or some other family member might do, then you’re not far off. There’s a difference between friends and family. Your family isn’t determined by common interests or similar personalities. If you have a disagreement or get on each other’s nerves, you don’t stop being family. Your family—especially a parent or a sibling you grew up with every day—knows pretty much everything about you. They’ve seen you on your good days, your bad days, and every day in-between. And though you might not even like your brother or sister, or at least not all the time, you still love them. You want what’s best for them.
So when I talk about community, I’m talking about people who treat each other as caring family members, even if they’re not at all related.
This is exactly the picture God uses when talking about this kind of relationship. Followers of Christ are almost always referred to as “brothers and sisters,” with the occasional “father” or “mother” thrown in when talking about believers who are older than you (Matt. 18:15; 25:40; Acts 1:16; 6:3; 11:29; Rom. 7:4; 1 Tim. 5:1–2; Philem. 1:15–16; and many other examples). Jesus, who had literal earthly brothers and sisters, preferred to call his unrelated followers his brothers and sisters (Matt. 12:46–50).
In fact, the only times that God chooses not to use the family metaphor when describing his followers is when he uses an even stronger relationship, referring to us as members of one body (John 15:5; Rom. 12:4–5; 1 Cor. 12:12–27; Col. 1:18; and others). No matter how much you care about your brother or sister, or how connected you are to them, it pales in comparison to how much you care that your heart remains a part of you, or to the level of connection between your arm and your shoulder. The parts of a body literally can’t survive without each other. Followers of Christ would be deluded to think that they can survive or thrive without being connected to other members of the body.
The concept of community isn’t something I came up with, and it’s not a new or novel idea. God talks about it all the time in Scripture, showing why it’s needed, what it involves, and what it’s supposed to accomplish.
A few examples:
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. (Heb. 10:24–25)
But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called “Today,” so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness. (Heb. 3:13)
A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another. (John 13:34–35)
Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. (Rom. 12:10)
Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective. (James 5:16)
Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ. (Gal. 6:2)
because they have a good return for their labor:
If either of them falls down,
one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
and has no one to help them up. (Eccles. 4:9–10)
The way of fools seems right to them,
but the wise listen to advice. (Prov. 12:15)
Walk with the wise and become wise,
for a companion of fools suffers harm. (Prov. 13:20)
Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses. (Prov. 27:6)
As iron sharpens iron,
so one person sharpens another. (Prov. 27:17)
Remember that anything God asks you to do is done for your own best interests. We’re reminded so many times to be in community because it is (A) important, and (B) in your best interest. It’s good for you. It’s good for you in the same way that exercise or studying is good for you. Exercise and studying aren’t always fun, and community can likewise be hard work, but it produces something great in your life.
How to Live Out Community
So what does community look like?
That’s a tricky question to answer, because it can take on many forms. But all of those forms should share some things in common.
Overall, it’s about living life together—having people around you and walking through the steps and stages of life together. You rejoice together when it’s time to rejoice, and mourn together when it’s time to mourn (Rom. 12:15). You are there for each other in everything so that no one has to go through life alone.
Finding Community
What I’m really describing here is church, or what church is supposed to be. It certainly fits with what the early church was like, as described in places like the book of Acts. Back then, no one confused the word church with a building, because they hadn’t gotten around to constructing church buildings yet. The church was a local group of believers who met together in someone’s home and “had everything in common” (Acts 2:44).
Unfortunately, that doesn’t describe many churches today. Sometimes that’s a function of size: the church I work at and attend has several thousand members, so I can’t know every single person deeply.
That’s why many large churches like ours emphasize having people form community groups, which are smaller groups of people who can live out community together. They usually meet in their own homes during the week, much like the home-based churches in Acts. You may hear these referred to as home churches, home groups, life groups, small groups, or some other moniker, but all the names essentially mean the same thing.
If your church emphasizes community, all you have to do is take advantage of the resources or training they provide in order to find and form your own band of brothers or sisters.
If that’s not the case, then you’ll have to take the initiative to create community on your own. Make friends with other believers and discuss this idea of community with them. Start meeting together weekly to study the Bible together, pray together, and discuss what’s really going on in your lives.
Over a decade ago, I went to meet with my new community group for the first time. I didn’t really know them ahead of time; my church put us together. I awkwardly walked into a house to meet three other guys who all went to the same college, had the same degree, and worked for the same company in the same job. They were pretty much the same person and they could not have been more different from me! The conversation dragged on, and I could not wait to get out of there. When the meeting was over, I got in my car and swore I’d never go back.
But I did, for some reason. I went back every Thursday, even when I didn’t feel like it. That commitment to those men turned into the single biggest catalyst of growth in my relationship with Jesus. The fact that we were very different was actually good. They learned from me, and I learned much more from them. Ten years later, we still meet every Thursday, and they have become some of my closest friends. Looking back at the past decade together, there have been some really difficult times. We’ve had times of conflict, times of mourning, and times of separation. However, we’ve also had a ton of fun. We’ve traveled together, celebrated together, and shared many meals together, now with families in tow. Without this group of people in my life, I would not even be writing this book.
When forming community, it is a lot easier to do so with people who are your peers and in the same life stage as you are. (You can debate whether “easier” equals “better,” but it’s definitely easier.) In other words, if you’re a single girl in your twenties or thirties, your community would also be single girls in their twenties or thirties. If you’re a single guy, look for other single guys. If you’re a newly married couple, join up with other newly married couples. At The Porch, we do peer-to-peer community. A more multigenerational approach has some benefits, but it can be very one-sided, more like discipleship than community. As I’ve said earlier, this discipleship-type relationship is definitely valuable, but we also like to see our young adults thriving in a peer community. You’ll all be going through many of the same changes in life, facing similar struggles, and making similar decisions. You’ll be able to help each other as you go through those same things.
It’s also easier to open up to such people and be completely honest with them. You’re not tempted to filter yourself because you secretly have a crush on the coed across the room. If you’re a single guy struggling with a sin such as lust or masturbation, you really wouldn’t want to confess that in a coed environment. It’s just not conducive to being truly authentic. In married community groups, it might be necessary for the guys and girls to meet separately every so often, for confession and accountability.
If you do find a like-minded group of single guys or girls, consider really digging into each other’s lives by moving in together. Some people reading this may think that’s extreme, but it’s really not. You’ll save money, for starters, by sharing the cost of rent. Having a roommate is a great way to prepare for marriage; you learn how to share a living space, share chores, communicate your needs, and make compromises. And, of course, you won’t be alone.
Thanks to technology, there are online resources from other churches you can use to help you develop community wherever you are. The church I serve at, Watermark Community Church in Dallas, Texas, has some such resources available. You can visit watermark.org and search for “community group resources” to find messages, online workbooks, and how-to blog posts. They’re all free.
But it’s not like living life together in community is complicated, requiring a specific formula or a special college degree. It can be hard, yes, but it’s not complicated. It’s hard because all relationships take work, and we all have human flaws that lead to conflict.
In summary, all you need is a time and a place to meet weekly. Find two to five people who will meet with you. When you meet up, you will divide your time between catching up, confessing sin, celebrating victories, praying together, and sharing what you are learning from God’s Word. Avoid giving advice from your opinion; in fact, try to incorporate the discipline of attaching Scripture to any advice you share. Then follow up with each other between meeting times. Check in, encourage, and pray for one another.
Reflection