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Conflict

THE RIGHT WAY TO BE WRONG (AND VICE VERSA)

My wife is the one who noticed the problem. We didn’t even meet each other until college, but she recognized a pattern in the stories I would tell her about my high school days. It seems my stories would often start out with “My best friend Kevin . . .” or “My best friend David . . .” or “My best friend Collin . . .” or “My best friend John . . .”

“How many best friends did you have?!” she asked. Can’t you, by definition, only have one friend who is the “best”? How come I had a seemingly endless list of best friends?

The sad answer was that I had a revolving door of “best friends” in high school because I couldn’t keep any of them very long. It was definitely my fault; I was the common denominator in all of those relationships. My problem was that I had an anger issue. Something would upset me—usually something fairly minor or small—and I would just explode. It drove people away and ended a number of relationships.

For example, I spent one summer working in a neighboring town, Victoria, wiping down cars at Courtesy Car Wash. Victoria was about thirty miles away from Cuero, where I lived with my parents. So, instead of commuting a half-hour each way every day, I stayed with my best friend, who happened to live in Victoria.

One weekend, some other friends of mine were going to Schlitterbahn. If you live in Texas, you probably already know what that is; it’s basically the best water park in the world. I invited the friend I was living with to go along, but he said that he couldn’t because he didn’t have any money for admission. “No sweat! I got you!” I told him. After all, I did have money—I was making bank at the car wash—and he was letting me live with him for free.

So we all go to Schlitterbahn, and we have an amazing time. That is, we had an amazing time until, on the way out, I see him go into the gift shop and come out with a brand-new puka shell necklace.

This made me angry. Why would a cheap souvenir make me angry? Because he had told me that he didn’t have any money, which is why I had paid for his ticket. But clearly he did have some money, if he was able to spend it on a puka shell necklace.

I confronted him about it, right there in the Schlitterbahn parking lot. It escalated quickly. Push came to shove, literally. “What are you doing? I thought you didn’t have any money!” I said while shoving him backward. It was another explosion of JP’s anger. I felt wronged, and in retaliation I tried to embarrass him in front of our friends. It worked; he was embarrassed. But in the process, it cost me a friend. He told me to get my stuff out of his house and leave. That was half a lifetime ago, and things have never really been the same between us. I saw him once, years later, and it was still awkward. I lost an amazing friend because of a minor conflict I didn’t handle correctly.

Why We Can’t Get Along

Conflict is a fact of life. We’re all selfish, sinful people, which means we won’t always agree and we will sometimes do things that hurt each other, often unintentionally. So the question isn’t whether we’ll experience conflict but rather how we’ll handle it when it does inevitably happen.

An ability to resolve conflict is one of life’s most valuable skills. Since life is so heavily focused on relationships, and relationships always involve conflict, how you resolve those conflicts will have a huge impact on how happy you are. It can even alter the direction of your life in big ways. For example, the number-one predictor of success in marriage is how well the two of you can resolve conflict.1 An inability to resolve conflict can cost you friends, cost you jobs, and keep you from having peace.

It’s a big deal. So big that I’ve traveled with a group of coworkers to Africa to teach leaders and government officials how to resolve conflict. Presidents of foreign countries have come to our church in Dallas to learn about it. That’s not boasting; it’s just pointing out the importance of knowing how to resolve conflict. It’s something that can change the course of a nation.

At Watermark, our church staff spends most of our time helping people resolve conflict. That should tell you a few things. For starters, it means that conflict happens all the time. It also means that we consider resolving conflict to be important. It’s not a distraction from our jobs; it is our jobs. But it also shows that resolving conflict is work.

Anger and Conflict

Occasionally, we may not want to resolve conflict because we like being angry at someone, or because we don’t think we could ever forgive them. We feel that our anger is justified. And we figure that as long as we don’t do anything with that anger—we’re not punching them in the face or going out and slashing their tires—then it’s really OK to be angry. We’re not doing anything wrong. They’re the ones who did something wrong.

But that’s not how Jesus looked at it. Not at all. In his famous Sermon on the Mount, he had this to say about anger:

You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, “You shall not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.” But I tell you that anyone who is angry with a brother or sister will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to a brother or sister, “Raca,” is answerable to the court. And anyone who says, “You fool!” will be in danger of the fire of hell. (Matt. 5:21–22)

Whoa, wait a minute. Did he just compare anger to murder? As in, if you’re angry with someone, that’s equivalent to murdering them?

You don’t have to study the Bible to know that murder is wrong. Regardless of belief, everybody knows that murder is not only wrong, it’s very wrong. Besides the fact that it ends a life, imagine how it would change your own life if you murdered someone, or someone close to you was murdered. It’s a really big deal. And Jesus is saying anger is similar to that? That if I call somebody a fool I’m in danger of the fire of hell?

Yeah, that’s what he’s saying. Just like when he talks about adultery and lust a few sentences later (vv. 27–28), Jesus is saying that it’s your heart that matters, not just your actions. He’s not saying you’re supposed to be emotionless; Jesus showed plenty of emotion, and it’s hard to imagine him overturning tables and driving people out of the temple without displaying at least some temporary anger (John 2:13–17). He’s talking about the problem of unresolved anger, as shown by his following sentences:

Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift. (Matt. 5:23–24)

By comparing it to murder, Jesus shows the seriousness of unresolved anger and conflict. And because it’s serious, he says you need to do something about it, and do it immediately. Don’t wait. Even if you’re on the way to present an offering—giving a gift to God—God himself says it’s more important for you to resolve that conflict first. He’d rather have you be at peace with your fellow man than receive any offering or act of service you could give. There’s nothing you could do that is more important.

Most of us have not taken Jesus seriously here. Imagine how different our lives might be if we did.

Avoiding Conflict

Some people try to handle the problem of conflict by avoiding it completely. But what does that really mean to “avoid conflict”? How does that work in practice? You can’t control what other people do, so there’s no way to avoid having them do things that hurt you. And though you may try to avoid doing anything yourself that causes conflict with other people, sometimes it happens accidentally: you say or do something with good intentions, but it is interpreted differently by the other person. Conflict will happen. The only surefire way to avoid it completely is to avoid being around other people, living as a hermit in the wilderness.

Even avoiding conflict within just one relationship is difficult. I’ve heard dating couples say things like, “We have a great relationship. We never argue.” This always makes me wonder: Do they even know each other? Do they talk about things that matter, or do they only have surface-level conversations? All healthy relationships are marked by conflict. While a relationship that is marked by lots of conflict is not a healthy relationship, a relationship void of any conflict might not be healthy either. If you never disagree at all, or if you do disagree but never discuss it, that’s not likely a good sign.

When people say that they avoid conflict, what they really mean is that they avoid conflict resolution. They don’t resolve the conflict that does come up. They lock it away inside, where it has a tendency to fester and grow. It’s like getting a paper cut and then ignoring it: it may heal up and be forgotten, or it may become infected and get worse. It’s better to deal with it and clean the wound.

How to Fight Fair

Handling conflict well is all about having good communication. Unfortunately, we all have some negative communication patterns that can lead to conflict or prevent us from resolving it.

There’s an acronym we’ve adapted to make it easy to remember the negative communication patterns so we can catch ourselves when we start to slip into them. The acronym is WENI, and it is based on the patterns described in the book A Lasting Promise.2 It’s both a terrible acronym and a great one. I say it’s terrible because it doesn’t really spell anything, and the one thing it comes closest to spelling is “weenie.” But it’s also a great acronym because it accomplishes what acronyms are supposed to do: make something easy to remember. When I talk with people in my community group about “not being a weenie,” we all know exactly what that means. It’s corny and weird, and it works.

The four parts of WENI, or the four negative communication patterns to avoid, are:

Withdrawal

Withdrawal is basically the conflict avoidance mentioned above. It means that when conflict arises, you withdraw. Somebody says something that hurts you, or that you strongly disagree with, and instead of dealing with that issue you back off. You may literally withdraw; you walk out of the room or end the conversation without addressing it. But the problem doesn’t go away; you just internalize it and avoid resolving it.

Escalation

Escalation is pretty much the opposite of withdrawal. It’s what I was known for among my short-lived friendships in high school. Instead of ignoring what the other person has said or done, you respond by saying or doing something in anger. You raise the stakes and escalate the situation. Someone says something unintentionally hurtful, and you respond with intentionally hurtful words. Someone starts a quiet argument, and you turn it into a shouting match. And then maybe the shouting match escalates into throwing punches. A person who escalates is like a firework stand, just waiting for someone to light a match.

Negative Interpretation

Have you ever said or done something with good (or neutral) intentions, only to have it backfire on you when the other person didn’t take it the way you intended? That’s what happens with negative interpretation. One person says something seemingly harmless, and the other person interprets it negatively. For example, “You look nice today,” which is a pretty straightforward compliment, could be negatively interpreted as meaning that you normally don’t look nice and today is just the exception. It might seem silly, but negative interpretation happens all the time.

Invalidation

Invalidation occurs whenever one person denies that the other person has a right to feel the way they feel. If someone gets upset by something you do, and your response is that it’s not a big deal and they shouldn’t feel upset about it, then you’ve just invalidated their feelings. You’ve made (or tried to make) conflict resolution impossible, by denying that there is any conflict to resolve.

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We’re all guilty of at least one of these four patterns, and we tend to have one or two that we’re more prone to slip into. It is important to know which negative communication patterns are a problem for you and then recognize when you are slipping into one so you can quickly stop yourself and prevent the conflict from getting worse.

How to Resolve Conflict

Since conflict is inevitable—and harmful—you need to know how to resolve it.

Jesus himself explains a really simple and clear method we’re to use when someone has wronged us. It’s recorded in Matthew 18:15–17. Before you even get to the steps listed there, though, there are a couple of things you need to do on your own.

How can you say to your brother, “Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,” when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Luke 6:42)

First, you need to acknowledge and ask forgiveness for your role in the conflict. It’s rare for there to be a conflict that is wholly, 100 percent the other person’s fault. Even when it seems like you did nothing wrong to contribute to the problem, carefully consider whether that’s the case. Is there anything you could have done differently to prevent the problem or keep it from escalating the way that it did?

This is not at all “blaming the victim.” It’s just taking responsibility for your own mistakes or sins against your neighbor, assuming there is something to take responsibility for. It might be that the problem is 99 percent the other person’s fault. That’s fine. Clearly, in that case the other person is almost completely to blame. But take ownership of your 1 percent. Practically, it is much, much easier to get someone to admit they were wrong when you first admit how you were wrong. Own 100 percent of your 1 percent in the conflict.

A person’s wisdom yields patience;

it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense. (Prov. 19:11)

Second, you need to determine whether it’s a minor problem that can be overlooked. Some wrongs just aren’t that big of a deal. There’s no reason we have to make them into a big deal in order to resolve them. If it’s a small offense, overlook it.

How do you know if it’s small enough to overlook? Basically: if you can overlook it, you probably should. If it’s something you’ll probably just forget about, and if it won’t bother you or affect your relationship in any way, then there’s no need to pursue it further. However, if it is bothering you, even just a little bit, and you don’t have peace about it, then you need to go talk with them about it. If you are wondering if it is bothering you, it probably is. Don’t call something that is bothering you a “small offense” just because you don’t want to put in the work to resolve it.

If you can’t overlook it, then you need to talk it out with the person who wronged you. Did you know that the Prince of Peace tells us exactly what to do in this situation?

If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over. (Matt. 18:15)

In Matthew 18, Jesus makes it clear how you are to go about this. You start by talking with them one-on-one. This means that there is no attempt to shame them or make them look bad in front of others. You take the problem to the person; you don’t gossip about them or complain about what they did to everyone but them. You don’t need to “vent” to someone else in order to see if you should go to them. Just go. It’s possible that they may not even realize they did anything wrong, so it’s not fair when you don’t give them a chance to apologize and make it right.

This step might be hard, but it’s not complicated. You tell them what they did and how it hurt you, and ask forgiveness for your part in the conflict, if applicable. If they acknowledge that they were wrong and ask for forgiveness, you forgive them. And then you’re done; you can move on. In most cases, there is no need to take it any further.

On the other hand, if they won’t acknowledge that they have sinned against you and that they need forgiveness, you move on to the next step.

But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that “every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.” (v. 16)

The next step is to bring others in on the conversation. Take one or two other people with you, and again approach the other person about the problem.

Who should you bring? Either a witness to whatever happened, or, if there is no witness, someone who knows both of you well.

A person might honestly think they didn’t do anything wrong. But when confronted by two or three people who all agree that they have done something wrong, a reasonable person would at least consider that the other side may be right.

If they still refuse to listen, tell it to the church; and if they refuse to listen even to the church, treat them as you would a pagan or a tax collector. (v. 17)

If that doesn’t work, and if the person is a believer who is a part of the local church, you bring in church leadership. Basically, you’re widening the circle. Instead of just two or three, there are now more people on your side. Hebrews 13:17 tells members of a church to submit to the church leaders’ authority, so if you are in conflict with someone who is a Bible-believing Christian, they’ll hopefully start to recognize the problem and make amends. If they are not a believer who is part of a church, then there may be nothing more you can do. By the way, do you notice that Jesus seems to expect that every Christian will be involved in a church and under its authority? See also chapter 3!

As Jesus says in Matthew 18:17, if these steps don’t work, you are to “treat them as you would a pagan (a nonbeliever) or a tax collector.” Now, note that Jesus spent much of his time with sinners, and Matthew himself was once a tax collector. So this means you should love them, not avoid them or treat them badly.

At this point, even if they have refused to listen, you have peace in knowing that you’ve done literally everything you could do about it. The fault then lies solely with them.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Rom. 12:18)

I’m not saying that the process will be a piece of cake. Hard conversations are, well, hard. But they’re also not optional. If you’re ever going to have peace, you have to resolve conflict.

Conflict as an Opportunity

I used to see conflict as an opportunity to display my anger. I’d been wronged, I would think, so I was justified in being angry at the other person. They deserved whatever was coming as a result of my anger, whether that was harsh words or even a flying fist.

But now I see conflict as a different kind of opportunity. It’s an opportunity to show who I belong to.

In the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says that “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matt. 5:9).

I have children of my own, and they look quite a bit like me. We share a lot of the same traits. I’m tall, for example, so my kids are pretty tall for their ages. Children take after their parents.

So if we’re the children of God, then we should display many of God’s traits.

God is the ultimate peacemaker. He was in conflict with the entire human race; every single person ever born has sinned against him. He went to the greatest of lengths to resolve that conflict: he had his Son die on the cross to pay for those sins. It was a really radical thing to do. And because of it, instead of being God’s enemies, we’re now reconciled to him (Col. 1:21–22).

The way you handle conflict is perhaps your greatest opportunity to show the world that you are a child of God. It should make you stand out; it should be different from how most people in the world handle conflict. It’s different because you seek peace. You don’t hold grudges. You don’t fight or lose your temper. You own your part in creating the conflict, even when it is mostly the other person’s fault. You ask forgiveness and offer forgiveness.

People will see that and wonder what makes you different. They may realize that they want the peace you have in your life. And when they ask, you can share with them why you are different and introduce them to your Father.

Reflection