It had been about five years since I came home to California to visit with friends, having removed myself from my old life to begin a new chapter of my career in Washington State. I didn’t have to make many arrangements to see those I remember. Most encounters were brimming with a magical sense of nostalgia. It felt like I was watching a reunion episode of my favorite childhood TV show, seeing what had happened to those treasured characters I had come to know. Just visiting the same old locations while watching familiar faces pop up in my reality. Seeing how the friends I had known for so many years had grown up to become newer versions of themselves, just as I had when I decided to move away and plunge headfirst into my spiritual work.
Then I ran into a different type of friend—one who didn’t know I was coming into town and felt left out for not knowing ahead of time. Her eyes pierced me with betrayal while attempting to mask it in passive-aggressive fashion.
“You’ve put on some weight,” she said.
“Yes, I have,” I replied, with such a depth of openness in recognition of how successfully I had added ten extra pounds to my five-foot-one stature.
I could sense the game playing out. This person sought to assert dominance on a subconscious level by pointing out something lacking in their view of me. By pointing out my physical appearance, she lessened the blow of self-imposed rejection.
Knowing I couldn’t be the extent of her disdain, I asked her how she was doing.
With vague answers of “in transition” and “trying to sort things out,” I knew that she was struggling to find her place in the world.
“I understand how you feel. I found my purpose and moved to Washington to pursue it without distraction. I’m sure the same inspiration will come your way,” I said.
Her eyes welled up with equal parts desire for the inspiration I mentioned and regret for life choices she was still sorting out. She then said, “I’ve really missed you.”
Out of respect from the opening that brought forth authenticity in place of sarcasm, projection, and passive-aggressive behavior, I smiled and said, “Thank you. It feels really nice to be missed.”
With a puzzled look on her face, she asked, “You haven’t missed me?”
I replied, “I’m not sure I miss anything in my life anymore. I see people when I see them, and until that happens, I do what I’m called to do.”
She asked, “What’s that like?”
I replied, “Happiness.”
Our nearly existential dialogue got interrupted by the phone ringing. She had to take the call and wished me well. As I walked away, I was grateful for the opportunity to confirm the importance of my life choices, challenged only by those still searching for the happiness that had found me. I walked away in peace.
Just as I illustrated with the stories of my mom’s anger in the previous chapter, the second Golden Rule reminds you: “Anyone who blames you isn’t happy.”
How many times in your life have you blamed yourself in a state of happiness? How many times have you blamed happily? It’s nearly impossible, because those who blame are not happy. At our core, we are all such sensitive, heart-centered beings that the thought that anyone who blames us is unhappy can kind of feel like a form of blame unto itself. Such an acceptance is not actually a judgment—it’s an awareness.
To see that someone who blames you, or a moment where you blame someone else, is because of one’s relationship with happiness or unhappiness—is to see through the eyes of forgiveness.
Forgiveness is one of your highest attributes. It is the merciful grace of compassion in action. Forgiveness is not just accepting an apology; it is the willingness to respond to hurt by saying: “I’m sorry that your unhappiness has caused you to treat me this way.”
True forgiveness is recognizing the relationship between people’s most hurtful choices to their degree of unhappiness. On a soul level, if someone’s ego is treating you unfairly, it’s a way of saying, “I’m terribly unhappy, and my conduct is to show you how unhappy I am.”
When someone’s in their ego, they’re not aware their attitude and behavior are associated with their degree of happiness. This is one of the main insights people are unaware of when operating from a state of unconsciousness. When people are unhappy, what’s their viewpoint? I’m unhappy with you. In unconsciousness, you’re the reason for someone’s happiness or unhappiness. Being the reason for someone’s happiness is a form of co-dependency and being the reason for some else’s unhappiness is a projection of blame. Even if you blame yourself, it’s just your soul’s way of reminding you how unhappy you are. In every stage of your life’s journey, there’s the ego’s viewpoint and the soul’s perspective. The ego says, “I’m happy or unhappy because . . .” Meanwhile, the soul says, “You are only attached to outcomes being a certain way because of how unhappy you are.” When you let go, you don’t have to put yourself in toxic relationships as a measurement of self-acceptance. Equally so, when you’re emotionally free, other peoples’ experiences don’t tend to affect you.
To allow this truth to be viscerally felt in your body, please repeat the following words, either silently or out loud:
Other people only affect me
to show me how unhappy I truly am.
When I’m happy,
people, places, and things
add to my happiness.
But nothing takes it away.
Because anyone who blames me
is only doing so
from a state of unhappiness.
And from that perception,
by saying in my heart,
or if I can, out loud:
“I’m sorry your unhappiness
causes you to be this way.”
Because most people who are unhappy
are not aware of their unhappiness;
they’re too busy blaming.
So, from this moment forward,
I don’t allow other people’s blame
or unhappiness
to take away from the happiness
already within me.
Happiness is not something
I have to work hard to achieve.
It is simply the blame-free zone
of heart-centered consciousness.
And, if I’m blamed for my happiness,
it could only be from someone else’s unhappiness,
as their ego’s way of saying,
“I don’t know how to find in myself
what you have found in you.”
While it is common to walk around wondering what in the world will make you happy, it overlooks the more insightful realization of admitting that you don’t know how to be happy. While we all know, on some level, that happiness comes from within, the confession of not knowing how to be happy simply helps you acknowledge that you rely on outside circumstances, characters, and outcomes as the main source of your fulfillment. The measurement of how much you rely on the outside world for your validation, sustenance, and approval is determined by how unhappy you already are. From this state of unhappiness, anyone, including yourself, may become the blame for why you feel so unfulfilled. Deeper than the surface of blame, there exists a depth of happiness where there is everything to acknowledge and nothing to blame.
Here’s an easy way to remember this insight:
The moment you blame,
you’ve turned away
from the vibration of happiness.
So, what if you simply dared
to not blame those who choose to blame you?
Feel that for a moment. What if you didn’t divide yourself from whatever degree of happiness you have in your life by blaming those who are blaming you? This is how we begin to break the cycle of abuse in our lives. It is how we assist the world in no longer requiring violence to be aware of the pain that so many are in need of processing.
The confusing part is seeing people in relative states of happiness, where they tend to blame only in the areas where they are not truly fulfilled. Those who are unhappy with their work life blame co-workers. Those who are unhappy at home blame their partners. Those who are unhappy with their past blame their family. Those who lack confidence blame their circumstances. Those who lack self-worth blame themselves.
No matter the projection or accusation, instead of blaming, forgiveness says, “I’m sorry that your unhappiness causes you to be this way with me. I’m sorry your unhappiness inspires you to steal some of my happiness, in an attempt to make it your own. I’m sorry that you see me as an object that you are attempting to use to enhance the object you’ve defined yourself to be. I cannot make you happy in any way. I can only help you remind yourself how unhappy you already are.”
Those who are happy are the most willing to forgive. Therefore, it is the cultivation of forgiveness that allows you to recognize, feel, and demonstrate the happiness that is always within you.
When you abide in the truth of forgiveness, you are saying from your soul to another, “What you did is not okay, but I don’t blame you.” From the viewpoint of a loving Universe, people only act the way they do—blaming you, even mistreating you—to show you how unhappy they truly are. Since forgiveness is a cornerstone of happiness, the forgiveness you offer another helps energetically break cycles of abuse in both lives. As a result, it serves to usher in greater happiness for the forgiver and blessings of emotional healing for the person being forgiven.
Forgiveness is not a way of justifying cruel behavior. It is a way of refusing to store someone else’s unhappiness in your cellular body as memories of mistreatment. Each time you forgive, the imprint someone’s unconscious acts leaves in your body is cleared out and returned to their energy field as blessings of evolution. From this standpoint, the act of forgiving helps not only to free others from the unhappiness causing them to withdraw, shut down, or lash out but also to free you from walking this earth as anyone’s victim. From this depth of understanding, forgiveness is not passive submission but an active form of liberation in action.
From the standpoint of forgiveness, conflict is when two people say to each other, “Here’s how I need you to be.” Resolution is when one of those two people says, “I may not be able to give you what you want, and you certainly may not be the one for me, but I don’t blame you for your unhappiness. I allow you to be exactly as you are.”
To cultivate the attribute of forgiveness, please read silently or repeat out loud the following words:
I allow
those who blame and have wronged me
to be forgiven.
In forgiving others, I am set free.
When you are embodying your soul, you are seeing and living life as divinity in physical form. When you are living in the ego’s perspective, you are divinity in its potential, but living in some degree of separation from your own divine nature. Imagine this from a cosmic level. When you say, “I allow those who have blamed and wronged me to be forgiven,” you’re actually speaking from your highest God nature. You are deciding someone’s forgiveness by allowing the Universe to carry it out. You just have to permit forgiveness. The people who need forgiveness the most are the people who treat you the worst, because they’re the most entrenched in their egos, needing the relief of forgiveness to inspire the awakening of their soul, to spare more people from being mistreated.
Once you start to align with the true essence of forgiveness, you no longer require the world to show you its unhappiness by overlooking or mistreating you.
As you will come to see, when you become aware of how unhappy so many people are, you cultivate more happiness for all by being more forgiving. As forgiveness becomes an instinct, you are less likely to blame others, even those who subconsciously beg for emotional healing by lashing out at you.
EXERCISE: Assisting in the Healing of Others
Make a list of those in your life who have blamed you or those in the world suffering far worse than you. One by one, send blessings of forgiveness to each person. How much better do you feel when focusing on assisting in the healing of others?
When you embrace the wisdom of Golden Rule #2, you help dispel old-paradigm myths that suggest the outside world is always a reflection of your inner reality. I have experienced countless spiritual beings who misunderstand this teaching, and it always comes off as a form of spiritual co-dependency. As if the mean-spirited behavior of another unhappy person reflects any meanness or unhappiness within you. While human beings gain insight by organizing chaos with relationships between effects and their perceived causes, it is such an oversimplification and subtle act of self-abuse to blame the experiencer for the actions of others.
From an individual standpoint, the outside world could never reflect your inner reality, since Golden Rule #1 reminds you: “You’ve done nothing wrong.” Furthermore, Golden Rule #2 tells you: “Those who blame you are unhappy.” It’s not wrong for others to be unhappy, and it’s not wrong in the eyes of the Universe for others to remind you of their unhappiness, if the Universe allowed it to be. If it happens, there are insights to glean and gifts to receive for the evolution of both journeys.
As I stated in my second book, Everything Is Here to Help You, those who are mean or acting out of anger are begging for space to integrate the healing they most likely don’t know is underway. When others mistreat us, both souls are playing out a scenario of expansion, which blesses the forgiver and the one being forgiven with the inevitable gifts of greater alignment and expanded awareness.
When believing the outside reflects the inside, you are defining yourself as the problem. When the outside merely shows you who needs more space versus more of your presence, you are not the problem but the very solution being birthed in both hearts. In reality, life is a mirror, but the question is, what’s being reflected? When life is a mirror, the light within you is honored as the creations of form around you. And yet, even though each person is an extension of your divinity, on a relative human level, each person has their own journey from ego to soul. Therefore, the actions of other egos reflect or suggest nothing about your ego, unless you take responsibility for other people’s behavior as expressions of co-dependency.
Because divinity is the truth of all, the only reality the mirror of life could reflect is the light of your soul’s essence. The more forgiving you become, the happier you’ll be. The happier you are, the more aligned you are with your soul. The more aligned with your soul, the more you see reflections of your own light in others, since the brightness of your divinity could only bring forward the brightness of those around you. That is the interconnected magic of unity consciousness.
Everything tends to grow upward or move forward, never to go backward in evolution. Flowers begin as seeds but never go back once in bloom. In the same way, the ego dissolves as the soul emerges. Your emerging light can become so potent within your being that you begin observing the innocent beauty of all as reflections of your awakening soul.