Love must be supplemented by deliberate efforts on the part of the parent.
—BRUNO BETTELHEIM
Love is not enough. It is not enough to protect children from divorce poison. And it is not enough to reverse its pernicious effects.
Every brainwashed child once expressed love for the now rejected parent. Given the conditions and treatment discussed in the preceding chapters, most children will succumb to divorce poison. They may escape the complete rupture of their relationship with the target, but they will suffer in other ways.
One of the disturbing conclusions from divorce research is that children who receive clean bills of health when examined by gross measures, such as behavior checklists and report cards, may be suffering great emotional distress that goes undetected. Sometimes a parent uses a child’s apparent good adjustment to keep the other parent at arm’s length. The argument goes like this: If the child gets along well with teachers, friends, and one parent; earns good grades; stays out of major trouble; and claims to be happy, why rock the boat? Why require the child to relate to the other parent? This is often punctuated with a warning that this “well-behaved” child has threatened to run away if forced to have contact with the hated parent.
Too many therapists endorse this misguided thinking. They fail to recognize the devaluation of the parent-child relationship that is inherent in ranking school and friends above family. They take an astonishingly casual attitude toward the child’s loss of a parent, and the parent’s loss of a child. These therapists advise courts to allow children to suspend contact with alienated parents, essentially to disown their parents. And they admonish alienated parents to cease and desist efforts to reconnect with their offspring. By now I am sure it is clear that, in most cases, I oppose such a hands-off policy.
It makes sense to consider letting go as a last resort after years of failed attempts to resolve chronic and severe alienation. In too many cases, though, the advice comes early in the process from professionals who hope time will heal the wounds, or who mistake incipient signs of alienation for short-term reactions to divorce. Temporary suspension of parent-child contact, like a temporary marital separation, may eventually give way to a renewed relationship. It may also be the prelude to prolonged estrangement. This book grew out of the conviction that children deserve protection from divorce poison. It won’t help merely to blame your ex, bemoan your sorry situation, and sink slowly into the passivity of victimhood.
If you fail to take responsibility for responding effectively, how can you expect your children to do otherwise? If you fail to take a firm stand in support of your relationship with them, how can you expect them to withstand your ex’s manipulations? If you fail to uphold the reality of your value to them, how can you expect them to remain in touch with this reality when assaulted with a campaign to corrupt their positive vision and memories? By your actions, you must demonstrate your conviction that your relationship with your children is worth fighting for, is worth preserving.
Taking responsibility does not mean that you should blame yourself for the problem. And it does not mean that your efforts will always pay off. At some point the sensible thing to do may be to back off and postpone the project. Chapter 9, “Letting Go,” can help you with this tormenting decision. If you decide to let go, at least let it be with pride in the knowledge that you did everything in your power to help your children, rather than with regret that you passively allowed your children to slip away.
In this chapter I revisit and expand on the coping tips found throughout the book and give additional antidotes to divorce poison. Before doing so, I want to suggest some general guidelines for increasing your child’s receptivity to your communications.
The late great child psychologist Dr. Haim Ginott taught parents how to speak to their children’s hearts. To connect emotionally, he advised, parents must learn to communicate genuine empathy. Dr. Ginott’s seminal books are filled with practical suggestions and examples of how to do this. Though he wrote the books many years ago, his advice is timeless. If ever a parent needed good communication skills, it is a parent whose children’s hearts are determinedly and tightly shut.
When your children express contempt or fear of you, regardless of whether these feelings were implanted by your ex, the feelings are real for your children at that moment. If you too quickly attempt to dispute their words, or defend your view of reality, the result is likely to be a communications impasse. Your children will feel that you have not taken them seriously, that you fail to recognize the extent of their unhappiness. Instead of dismissing your children’s negative feelings, identify them with words and let your children know that you understand exactly how they are feeling. Dr. Ginott showed how strong feelings can “lose their sharp edges when a sympathetic listener accepts them with understanding.” It may seem a paradox, but the way to get rid of your children’s hatred is first to show them that you acknowledge the reality of their feelings and that you treat their feelings with respect. This does not mean that you approve of your children’s rudeness or misbehavior. Nor does it mean that you tolerate repetitive expressions of hatred. But it does mean that you face the reality of the negative feelings before attempting to change them.
THE POWER OF INDIRECT COMMUNICATION
Children know how to frustrate adults. When we want to help them, they make it difficult. They clam up. They evade communication. They erect a simple three-word barricade that many parents find impenetrable. In response to questions about feelings, they shrug their shoulders and say, in an innocent voice, “I don’t know.” And they keep repeating it until we give up. Breaking through this requires special techniques that child psychotherapists have developed to communicate with reluctant children.
First, we must appreciate that children do not necessarily want to foil our efforts at communication. Most younger children are simply not able to identify and put into words their exact feelings. Even if they could, children and teenagers (and most adults) find it difficult to discuss their worries and fears openly. And they resist lectures and advice. When we talk about their feelings, children feel as though they are under a bright spotlight and they want only to escape the glare. So we have to find ways to make the process more comfortable.
We have all heard of the patient who brings up an embarrassing concern by talking about his “friend’s” problem. When a child does this, a sensitive therapist does not rush to expose the ruse. He knows that confronting the child too soon may abruptly end the dialogue. Under the guise of talking about the “friend,” the therapist is able to get more details about the child’s deepest concerns and then communicate therapeutic messages.
I often advise parents to read a book with their child, such as Dr. Richard Gardner’s The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce. When you do this you will come across many passages that seem to have been written especially with your child in mind. Your child can profit from these passages even without acknowledging that they apply to her. Sometimes this activity does lead to a more direct discussion of the child’s feelings. After reading each section of the book, ask your child if she ever feels the way the child in the book feels. A book can often serve as a springboard for heartfelt discussions. Children will more readily acknowledge uncomfortable feelings when they know they are not the only ones who feel that way. By the way, if your child has older siblings who might not be too receptive to the idea of reading a book on divorce, it is a good idea to read the book within their earshot. Though they may pretend a casual indifference, parents report that the older children stay in the room and, after a while, may even join in the discussions.
With older children and teenagers you can talk about other boys or girls “their age” or about what you “heard somewhere” or “read somewhere” about how children their age feel about things. It is also helpful to begin conversations by talking about your own thoughts and feelings.
One mother began a conversation with her fourteen-year-old daughter like this: “I’ve been thinking about how I’ve been yelling at you for the bad grades you’ve been making lately. I know it doesn’t help for me to lose my temper. You always used to care about your grades, so something must be bothering you.” The girl remained silent. Her mother continued: “I read an article that said when girls your age start making bad grades it often means that some things about their parents’ divorce really bug them. The article also said that most girls feel bad that they aren’t doing as well as they used to.” With older children such indirect communication may result in more candid discussions. But this girl said, “Yeah, well, I don’t really care.” Her mother responded, “Well, I can understand if you did feel that way,” and then dropped the conversation.
The next day the mother took the conversation one step further by identifying the feeling she thought was tied to her child’s problem behavior. She said, “I’ve been thinking about what we talked about yesterday. Many girls feel really mad at their parents for getting a divorce.” This time the girl said, “What difference does it make? You’re not going to get back together.” Her mother said, “I know that sometimes girls will try to get back at their parents by doing poorly in school, especially when they know that good grades are important to the parents. I’ve been thinking that maybe you are angry with me. I don’t blame you if you are. I know you didn’t want this divorce. But it would be better if we could talk about your feelings, or maybe you could write me a letter about how angry you really feel. Why should you take your anger out on yourself and have to feel bad about screwing up in school when it’s really your father and me that you’re angry at?” In this way, the mother was suggesting a healthier way for her child to cope with angry feelings. The girl did not acknowledge that her mom was correct, but later that night the mother saw the girl in her room doing schoolwork.
An excellent book for learning more about effective communication is Growing Up with Divorce by Dr. Neil Kalter. He describes a six-step strategy for using indirect communication and illustrates it with numerous examples. If you are tempted to dismiss indirect communication as ineffective, or only second-best, consider this: Throughout the ages fables have been used to teach moral principles. If you want your child to appreciate the value of persistence, you’ll get much further with Aesop’s “The Tortoise and the Hare” than with a lecture.
Another way to get a message across is to let the children “accidentally” overhear you speaking to someone else. All children eavesdrop on private conversations, and alienated children are no exception. In fact, children in advanced stages of alienation may try to monitor everything the target says in order to report back to the favored parent. Take advantage of this to say to someone else what you want your children to hear. As flies on the wall they will get the message.
An alienated parent who tries to correct her children’s distortions directly will find them resisting the conversation. Many children cover their ears as soon as the hated parent begins talking to them. But these same children will listen intently as the object of their scorn speaks openly with a friend or relative over the phone. This is a good opportunity to give your version of what is happening between you and the children.
In these conversations, it is best to emphasize what you and the children have lost, how sad you feel for the children, and how different things used to be. Talk about all the past signs of the loving relationship. Speak of your confusion and puzzlement about the dramatic change in attitudes. Tie the alienation to the divorce and to your ex’s anger at you. But be careful not to focus on your anger at your ex for maligning you. The children are primed to believe bad things about you. If they overhear you discussing your anger at their other parent, they will interpret this as an act of bad-mouthing and will use it to justify their criticisms of you.
Repeated conversations that the children overhear lay a foundation for a more explicit and direct discussion at some later point in time. By then, the children have heard your side of the story expressed in a manner that might garner their sympathy for you and their willingness to begin healing the ruptured relationship.
Even when using the fly-on-the-wall technique, it is usually more effective to introduce emotionally laden topics by discussing a situation two steps removed from the children’s personal experience. Alienated children, like brainwashed cult members, are unaware that their feelings are the result of manipulation. If you try to explain that they have been brainwashed by their other parent, they will probably resist listening to anything you have to say about it. Instead, approach the topic by first talking about another means of manipulation, and one not involving the children. For example, you can discuss how advertisements induce people to focus selectively on certain attributes and overlook others. This introduces the general idea of mental influence. Then move one step closer by talking about someone else you know using mental influence to persuade someone to dislike another person. Or you might discuss how politicians smear opponents. Finally, when you think your children will be receptive, you can relate these ideas to your family situation by introducing the topic of your children’s negative feelings resulting from manipulation.
An advantage of discussing a topic, like brainwashing, two steps removed from your children’s situation is that they will be less likely to resist the communication. They will be more likely to consider that they have been programmed when they have already accepted the idea that people, in general, are susceptible to such influence. If you were to begin by confronting them with the idea that they have been brainwashed, without laying the groundwork, they would experience this as an assault on their view of reality and would be more likely to dismiss what you say without any consideration.
The two-steps-removed technique can be used when speaking directly with your children, as well as when communicating indirectly.
Several times throughout this book I mentioned the desirability of having someone else implement the coping tips with your children. If you have no contact with your children, this will be your only way of reaching them. Even if you do have contact with your children, you should consider enlisting help from other people. If your children are alienated from you, they will dismiss anything you have to say as worthless. It helps to designate others who do enjoy your children’s respect to intervene on your behalf. These can be trusted relatives, members of the clergy, teachers, coaches, scoutmasters, anyone respected by your children.
Third parties can use any of the principles and techniques discussed in this chapter to try to open your children’s closed minds. Because they may be pivotal in reversing alienation, it is best to give them plenty of preparation before they begin. You may want to have them read portions of this book. They need to have a clear understanding of how children can be programmed to turn against a parent. They also need to have a clear sense that a parent’s minor flaws and errors do not justify losing contact with her children. Without this sense, they may inadvertently be taken in by your children’s complaints and become one more person supporting the alienation. If you are working with a therapist who understands these situations, the therapist may want to meet with the third party to offer guidance and support.
The third party has a difficult assignment. He or she must maintain your children’s respect and affection while attempting to engage them in reconsidering their negative attitudes toward you. The role calls for someone who can maintain a curious yet concerned posture, showing patience, warmth, and caring. The more important this person becomes to your children, the less dependent they will be on your ex.
I must emphasize the importance of patience. The third party must be willing and able to listen to the children’s complaints, however trivial or false, without prematurely confronting or criticizing the children. Moving too quickly to confront alienation can end all hope that this person will be able to reach your children. This is particularly true if the children are wrapped in the tamper-resistant programming described at the end of chapter 6. This will lead them to clam up as soon as their alienation is mentioned. With sensitivity and finesse, though, the third party may help rescue your children from divorce poison and heal family relationships, thereby earning your eternal gratitude.
Experienced psychotherapists know that the best intervention can fall flat if not timed properly. The film Analyze This portrayed this with humor. Mobster Paul Vitti (Robert De Niro) consults with psychiatrist Dr. Ben Sobol (Billy Crystal). Vitti disguises his need for help by describing a problem suffered by a “friend.” He takes offense when Dr. Sobol too quickly assumes that the “friend” is himself. Yet less than a minute later the same assumption earns high praise from Vitti, who concludes that since this shrink is clever enough to see through the ruse, he is the best therapist for the job.
The same principle applies to conversations with your children. In chapter 3 I described the technique of striking while the iron is cold. If you have something to say that your children are going to argue with, or at least resist hearing, it is often best to wait until the children are in a receptive mood. If you and the children are enjoying yourselves, they will be less likely to automatically reject what you say. Striking while the iron is cold means avoiding “hot” topics when the children are already upset. If your children are acting disrespectfully toward you, they are probably not going to place any value on what you say about their situation. And the more they ignore or disparage what you say, the more they will feel that you are worthy of such mistreatment. When things are going well between you and them, they will be more likely to value you and what you have to say.
“Strike while the iron is cold” is a good principle to keep in mind, especially when you feel like lashing out in anger after being provoked by your child’s hostility. But it is not always the best course. Sometimes it is best to do the opposite. Sometimes it is best to initiate a difficult conversation at the time of your child’s emotional outburst.
Earlier in my career I worked as a counselor in a residential treatment center for children with severe emotional disturbances. Many of these children had frequent emotional storms in which they abandoned self-control. Sometimes the counselors could best help a child by calming him down and postponing any discussion of the event that triggered the rage. Other times we learned that we could use the crisis of the moment to help a child gain insight into his behavior and find better ways to cope. Psychoanalyst Dr. Fritz Redl called this technique a “life space interview.” He believed that a child is most receptive to change when in a crisis.
Using this approach, an alienated mother might respond to her child’s belligerence by first acknowledging how upset her child is and pointing out that it must not feel very good to be that angry with your own mother. The mother might then assert her belief that the child’s rejection is unreasonable. She may even mention some of the factors that could be influencing the child, such as fear of the father, or feeling sorry for the father. The mother’s communications have a greater chance of being effective if she remains calm and concerned. Sometimes emotional breakthroughs occur during a heated conversation. But this approach is risky. It could result in the child’s feeling that his view of reality has been dismissed. The result would be an increase in alienation. For this reason, it may be best to allow a third party to conduct the life space interview.
Third parties can help in two very important additional ways. I have already covered their role in trying to persuade your children to reach a more realistic view of their parents. Third parties can also serve as a bridge between you and your children. And by their positive treatment of you, they set a good example that will help offset the exclusively negative image held by your children.
The sister of an alienated father invited his children (her niece and nephew) to her home for Thanksgiving. When she told them that their father would be present, they said they did not want to come. She was not dissuaded. She exploited her status as their favorite aunt to convince them to come.
No pressure was placed on the children to interact directly with their father. But their aunt provided a relaxed setting that reduced the intensity of the children’s first contact with their father in over two years. Over the course of the afternoon, they did respond to their father’s efforts at casual conversation. They talked about the food, the football games, the usual sort of banter that goes on at holiday gatherings. No one spoke of the prolonged absence of contact. But the ice had been broken. The aunt bridged the gap between the children and their father. It took a few more events like that to bring them closer together.
In addition to serving as a bridge, the aunt provided another corrective experience. The children had been brainwashed to regard their dad as an angry, rigid man with no redeeming features. Yet here they saw other people they respected treating their father with value. This clashed with their perception of reality. Perhaps this introduced a small measure of doubt about their judgment. The other relatives’ treatment of the father also introduced an element of social pressure. If the children wanted to “fit in” they would have to be cordial. Such positive behavior, in turn, can awaken positive attitudes. Certainly it would have been more difficult for the children to be rude to their dad in this setting. At home, people fit in by bad-mouthing the father. Here, such behavior would be seen as odd.
As much as possible, arrange for your children to see other people treating you with high regard. Let them see that their opinion of you, and the opinion of their other parent, is not shared by the rest of the world. This type of experience will leave a stronger impression than anything you can say on your own behalf.
Several years ago a judge appointed me to try to help an eleven-year-old alienated girl and her mother reconnect. They had not seen each other for four years, and Amanda had been programmed to believe that her mother was a violent and disturbed woman. In an early session with the mother I learned that she was an avid collector of antique lace. She even knew how to make lace. Now, my wife loves lace and has her own collection. Despite years of being around the stuff, though, I have a hard time distinguishing one pattern from the other. To tell the truth, I was never very much interested. It would have been better for me if the woman collected old jazz records. But it was lace.
I knew that the mother and her daughter would be very anxious during their first session together. My job was to make the experience tolerable for both. At the same time, I wanted to begin the project of correcting Amanda’s distorted perception of her mother. I asked the mother to bring in some of her lace pieces and her lace-making equipment. We were going to have show-and-tell.
During the joint session I asked the mother many questions about lace. I gave her an opportunity to show her knowledge and her competence. She herself did not seem to appreciate the range of talent that went into her creations, and the qualities of personality that it took to persevere from start to finish. Amanda sat stone-faced and mute.
The mother offered to demonstrate how to make bobbin lace. This seemed to stir Amanda’s interest. I drew Amanda into the conversation by asking about her own hobbies and interests. When she answered that she likes to draw, I knew her angry veil was lifting. Her mother asked about Amanda’s artwork. Amanda gave brief, terse answers.
I asked the mother if I could hold a delicate antique baby bonnet. I cradled it in my hands and then asked if Amanda could hold it. The mother said, “Of course,” and, without giving Amanda a chance to refuse, I passed it to her. She acted uninterested, but she held the bonnet. A fragile tie between mother and child.
I wove in questions that gently alluded to the unique bond between them. “Did you make any lace when you were getting ready to give birth to Amanda?” The mother answered and then added casually, “You know, Amanda, that used to be your bonnet. I’m saving it for your children, my grandchildren.” The underlying message was that Amanda’s relationship with her mother had significance beyond the present.
I turned to Amanda. “Can you believe your head was ever that small?” The bonnet provided an easy segue to questions about their early relationship. “What did you do to prepare for Amanda’s birth?” “What was she like as a baby?” “What was her first day in kindergarten like?” “What were her favorite things to do when she was six years old?”
Again, I drew Amanda into the conversation. “Is your memory good enough to recall any of the things Mom is talking about?” “Do your remember Mom taking you to kindergarten?” Throughout the session I referred to the mother as “Mom.” I wanted Amanda to hear it enough that it would become natural to a girl who currently referred to her mother only by her first name or as “that woman.”
As the session drew to a close, the mother said that next time she could bring some lace she made when Amanda was a baby. I asked Amanda if she would like to see it and she said, without much enthusiasm, “Sure.” For a girl who didn’t want to see her mother, this was progress.
The session went better than expected. It would have been valuable even if Amanda did and said nothing. It had to make an impression that her mother was the learned authority teaching the doctor, and that the doctor treated her mother with obvious great respect and dignity. Her mother could not be as worthless as she had been programmed to believe.
The lesson was not about lace. It was about a mother’s value. And about her place in her child’s life. The session was a bridge, a bridge made of fragile lace strong enough to support an estranged mother and daughter as they took their first steps back toward one another.
Your goals are to regain an affectionate relationship with your children and help them have a more realistic and balanced view of you and your ex. If they are severely alienated, and the alienation has been entrenched over a long time, it is not likely that you will be able to accomplish your goals without educating the children about brainwashing and probably seeking professional help. In many cases, though, alienation can be reversed merely by allowing your children to experience you as you really are and to have some warm, relaxed times together.
In 2000, in the aftermath of his mother’s drowning, a young Cuban boy named Elián Gonzáles was isolated from his father by relatives in Miami, Florida. The relatives wanted to give Elián the chance to grow up in a free country. In the service of this goal, the relatives released a videotape showing the boy pointing his finger at the camera and insisting that he did not want to return home. Despite the strength of the negative feelings, and the prolonged separation from his father, after only a brief time in his father’s presence Elián’s loving feelings returned.
Before addressing the issue of divorce poison with your child, either indirectly or directly, concentrate on creating pleasant experiences together. Many parents find that their alienated child’s hostility or fear recedes as the child becomes involved in activities with the parent. Choose activities that are inherently fun for both of you and require direct interaction. Cooking is one.
If your child is withdrawn, don’t ask if she would enjoy helping you. The answer is likely to be no. You should not expect an alienated child to volunteer to do anything with you. Merely state that you need her help or participation. Your tone should be warm and matter-of-fact, suggesting that, despite your child’s negative attitude, you expect her cooperation. Do what you can to coax her. During the activity, focus on having a good time. Neatness, precision, and final product don’t count. Allow the child to make many decisions. Encourage her spontaneity and creativity. Remember, the object of the project is to have fun. Do your best to lighten up. If your child follows suit, if she allows herself to relax and have a good time in your presence, you have accomplished your goal, whether or not the cake rises or the cookies burn.
Playing in a swimming pool together is another great healing activity. There is something about being in the water that encourages children to seek physical contact, even with a parent who is otherwise shunned.
Humor is a powerful antidote to hostility, as long as it is not at the expense of the child. One little boy had been kept apart from his father for more than two months. The boy refused to speak with his dad on the phone, and said he never wanted to see him again. When the father arrived to pick up his son for a scheduled day together, the boy cried and screamed for a half hour, insisting on returning to his mother. The fit ended when the father accidentally dropped his keys in the swimming pool. The boy laughed involuntarily, and so did the father. Sharing this humorous moment was enough to break the ice. The boy dropped his angry facade. The rest of the day, father and son played together normally. Watching them together, no one would ever have guessed at the prior problems in their relationship.
I have seen this type of rapid transformation repeatedly in my practice. Generally speaking, the younger the child, the more easily the alienation will dissipate with benevolent experiences. Divorce experts attribute this to a young child’s immaturity. Caught up in the moment, the child forgets that she is supposed to reject the parent.
Rapid transformations can also occur with older children. I consulted to a distraught mother whose ex refused to return their nine-year-old daughter at the end of a weekend and would not return the woman’s phone calls. After three weeks of isolation, the girl said that she did not want to see her mother or her older sister. The court ordered the father to return the girl. The mother contacted me because she was concerned that her daughter was programmed by the father and would be alienated upon her return. I thought that there was a strong enough bond between mother and child that most likely, by bedtime, the girl would warm up to her mother. As it turned out, I was right in principle but wrong with my time estimation. The mother reported that, after the daughter’s initial discomfort in the car, she was fine and literally within minutes was back to normal. To assist the girl with any future such episodes, I suggested some mild debriefing about how her dad tried to trick her into not liking her mom and sister.
The lesson to be taken from this is that, rather than try to correct your child’s distortions by addressing them directly, show them by your actions that you are not the bad person they have been led to believe. If this works, then discussions about the alienation should follow the “strike while the iron is cold” principle. Wait until you have built a reservoir of good feeling between you and your child. Then you can provide age-appropriate education about bad-mouthing, bashing, and brainwashing in order to inoculate your child against future exposure to divorce poison.
Children who are more severely alienated may stubbornly refuse to allow themselves to enjoy any time spent with the hated parent. In that case, you may have no choice but to confront, either directly or indirectly, the programming to which the children have been exposed. The principles and strategies presented in this chapter will help. But you should consider enlisting the aid of a therapist experienced in helping alienated children.
If you are effective in breaking through your child’s animosity, if you able to create good times together, capitalize on this success. You want to use this experience to heal your positive bond. But it can also help inoculate your child against future efforts to turn her against you.
The way to do this is to make sure that the experience becomes embedded in your child’s memory. Begin by directing her attention to the fun you are having together. Say something simple, such as, “Isn’t this fun?” In a casual way try to get your child to elaborate on how she is feeling. “What do you like best about what we are doing?” Repeatedly call attention to, and label, the emotions that each of you are experiencing. “Isn’t it nice how much we are laughing together?” “It feels so good to see you having fun over here.” “You’ve really got the giggles now.” By repeatedly focusing attention on the positive interaction, you are strengthening the reality of the moment. This helps offset the idea that being with you is a negative experience. Even more important, though, is that it makes it less likely that your ex will be able to eradicate the memory.
A very common frustration for rejected parents and grandparents is the retrenchment of alienation that follows early signs of progress. During the prior contact, Timmy shed his cold demeanor and allowed himself to have a good time with his mother. Her hopes were raised that they could return to a normal relationship. But the hopes were dashed. To the mother’s dismay, the next time Timmy was scheduled to be with her he protested going. Once with her, he acted as if the prior good experience never occurred.
There is a way to decrease the likelihood of such setbacks. After directing your child’s attention to the good time you are having, focus more directly on strengthening the memory. Then, help your child anticipate the possibility of the return of alienated feelings, and arm him with a way to cope.
Timmy’s mother could have said in a low-key, gentle manner, “I want you to remember how good you feel right now, and how much we love each other. If you start thinking that you don’t want to see me again, remember the good time we had today. Will you do that?” Asking the child to respond verbally (not just with a nod of the head) ensures that the message was received and helps to further embed it in memory. To motivate your child to retain and acknowledge the memory, you can issue a mild challenge, such as, “I think you have a strong memory. Strong memories make people smarter and do well in school. Do you think your memory is good enough to remember what we did today, and how much fun we had?” It is a rare child who will deny recalling the experience when his intellectual competence is at issue.
Other effective ways to memorialize a good experience with your child are to take pictures and videos of both of you during the activity. Let the child snap a few of the photos or hold the video camera for a while. Keep a journal together that records the date, the activity, and each person’s thoughts and feelings about the activity. Young children can draw a picture of the activity in the journal. The very act of recording in the journal will help embed the experiences in memory. The journal will also serve as objective proof of better times, in the event that history is rewritten.
A few caveats. If your child seems uncomfortable reflecting on the experience, don’t insist on it. Just concentrate on creating the experience. Later, you can use the fly-on-the-wall maneuver to get the point across. Perhaps you will arrange for her to overhear you talking to someone on the phone about how much fun you had together.
Also, you must be careful not to be too heavy-handed or insistent with your communications. Your tone should be casual and conversational, not preachy. Don’t exaggerate. Your goal is to foster an accurate perception of reality, not to fool your child. And don’t repeat yourself too much. Remember, the primary achievement is the experience. Don’t let your talking about it detract from the positive atmosphere. If your child becomes exasperated when you talk about the good time you are having, then you will know that you are overdoing it.
The advice I am giving may seem unduly manipulative, perhaps even reminiscent of some of the strategies described in the previous chapter that parents use to alienate children. After all, I am advocating that you actively direct your child’s attention in a certain direction, and work to entrench the memories of your positive interactions. Is this merely brainwashing in reverse? Definitely not. There are three crucial differences. (1) You are trying to correct distortions of reality rather than induce them. (2) Your goal is to foster your child’s positive relationship with you, not a negative relationship with your ex. (3) If successful, these techniques will result in your child having a balanced, realistic view of you and your ex, rather than polarized views in which one parent is hero and the other villain.
While you are in the process of memorializing the good times in the present, remember that you probably have many reminders of good times in the past. In fact, one of the best activities in which to engage your child is looking at visual evidence of your past positive relationship. Photographs, videotapes, souvenirs, gifts, favorite storybooks all serve this purpose. Reminiscing not only counteracts the distortions of revisionist history. Enjoying memories of old times together is a powerful bonding experience.
If you can successfully coax your children to enjoy watching videotapes of “the good old days,” you will have gone a long way toward repairing your relationship. This is such a valuable resource that you must be careful not to squander it by introducing it prematurely, or in a way that arouses your children’s resistance. Remember, alienated children resist obvious efforts to change their feelings. If you have to force them to look through photos, you have lost the benefits of the experience. Instead, you should initiate the activity in a casual manner, and at a time when you sense that they might be receptive. You want to pique their interest. In this sense, coping with alienated children is like playing poker. For the sake of your ultimate goal, you must learn to conceal the strength of your hand. Otherwise the children may just walk away.
A third party can be useful here. Bring out the photos or videos to show to another person while your children are in the room. Arrange for the third party to engage the children in looking at the pictures. The conversation should feature recollections about the activity captured in the mementos, emphasizing the close parent-child bond that existed in the past. “We had a great time on that vacation. Do you remember when we were so proud of ourselves for reaching the top of the trail? You were so tired that I carried you half the way down.” If you think your child will listen, you might add, “Love like that doesn’t disappear. I’ll be glad when you are able to show it to me again and let me show it to you.”
Children younger than about ten years old usually enjoy hearing about the day of their birth, or the day of their adoption. The story of the blessed event, and the preparations for and reactions to it, can captivate children, and remind them of your lifelong investment in their welfare. Tell them about your excitement that day. Discuss all the preparations you made at home and for the hospital. The childbirth classes; the baby-furniture purchases; all your thoughts and worries about the birth; your initial reactions; your recollections of the day they first said Mama and Dada.
One very creative grandmother was the target of a vicious alienation campaign to which her two grandchildren were beginning to succumb. For Valentine’s Day she painted a two-foot-high valentine and wrote an original poem on it. In evocative language the poem poignantly recalled the attachment and love of the past, expressed empathy for the blow dealt by their parents’ divorce, reassured them of their grandparents’ love, and inspired them to surmount the crisis and live life to the fullest.
Here is an excerpt from the poem:
We care and we want you and want you to know
We see, know and feel for the really hard blow
Torn between parent and grandparents, your backs to the wall
With all of life’s challenges, this may be the hardest of all
Torn from your friends, neighborhood, routines all the rest
It takes courage to stand tall and still do your best.
All around the valentine, in small letters and at different angles, she wrote every special activity, unique game, and bonding experience between the grandparents and the children that she could remember—about a hundred. This generated the most interest from her grandchildren. They read each of these and then enjoyed thinking of those she had omitted, which of course she then added. The entire experience was enormously healing.
If your children are severely alienated, be prepared for the type of dismissals discussed in the section on revisionist history in chapter 6. The children may resent your efforts to “prove” that they loved you in the past. They will claim that you made them smile in the photograph. Or that the only reason they were having a good time on the videotape is because their other parent was present. Don’t let this deter you. Although the children may not acknowledge the reality of the past at this moment, you are planting seeds that remind them of what they have lost and of how much of the past is not what they have come to believe. Ultimately, such seeds may bear fruit. Certainly if the children remain in the room while you are showing the videotapes, they are giving at least some attention to them.
In his book for psychotherapists on treating alienated children, Dr. Gardner underscores the importance of planting seeds in the minds of these children. It is often difficult to know whether or not our messages are getting through to our children. The lack of immediate results does not necessarily mean that the effort has been wasted. You should not expect to dissolve alienation overnight. The process may take many weeks or months. And you may have to settle for a relationship that is somewhat less than you previously enjoyed.
Even when neutralized, divorce poison can leave traces. It is often difficult to know how much of the residual reduction in affection is due to divorce poison, how much is due to the divorce in general, and how much is due to your child’s natural development. Keep in mind that many children, as they enter their teen years, naturally reduce the intensity of their affection and respect for their parents. They tend to be moody, and they certainly want to spend less time with parents. It is important not to mistake normal adolescent behavior for alienation.
If you can afford the time and expense, consider taking your alienated child on a nice vacation. There is a risk that the child’s negative attitudes will spoil the trip. But there is a greater possibility that the circumstances of the trip will contribute positively to your relationship.
I can think of three reasons why vacations work in this way. First, there is the element of fun and relaxation that contributes to a better mood. People on vacation are more predisposed to treat others with benevolence. Second, there is the separation from the other parent, a separation magnified by geographical distance. Being apart from the alienating parent and being in a novel environment increase your children’s dependency on you. It gives you a chance to be experienced as someone who is gratifying their needs. There is no one else who will do it. Third, it is easier to change attitudes when people are cut off from their usual circumstances. Recall the discussion in chapter 5 about how isolation makes a child more susceptible to the alienating parent’s manipulations. Well, it works for the target parent as well.
A twelve-year-old boy refused to come to his father’s home on weekends because he did not want to be around his new stepmother. The boy identified with his mother’s resentment of the remarriage. She made it clear to him that she would regard it as an act of disloyalty to her if he accepted his father’s wife. Though the boy was not alienated from his father, he was moving in that direction.
In the summer, the father announced his plans to take his wife and his son to Hawaii. The boy protested. The father was firm. The boy was going with them. (Having to be forced to go to Hawaii is just about the clearest indication of how irrational these children can be.)
While packing, on the way to the airport, and while waiting in the airport lounge, the boy was grumpy and noncommunicative. Once on the plane, though, the excitement of the trip overcame his resolve to be unhappy. As his mood improved, he began to take part in planning activities for the vacation. He wanted to rent a jet-ski. His dad said it was too dangerous. His stepmom came to his defense, “Let him try it. I’m sure he will be careful on it. He doesn’t want to ruin his vacation.” It became increasingly clear to the boy that he had a lot to gain by abandoning his angry facade. When they were laughing at a joke his dad told, the stepmother decided to strike while the iron was cold. She told her stepson, “I know it is not easy getting used to having me around. But I love your dad very much and that’s how it is. I’d like us to be friends. At least let’s do our best to have a great time on this trip.”
Being forced to live with his dad and stepmom, in a setting where it was difficult to withdraw from them, was just what this child needed. Discovering new things together, making decisions together, having his stepmother attend to a cut he received on the beach—these types of experiences cemented their comfort with each other. The vacation proved to be a great way to begin their relationship. Following the Hawaii trip, the boy had no objection to being around his stepmother. In fact, she became very important to him and he was as likely as not to be disappointed when she was not around.
DIVIDE AND CONQUER: THE VALUE
OF SEPARATING SIBLINGS
There is strength in numbers. It is easier for a child to act hateful toward a parent when his siblings are doing the same. Even a mildly alienated child may succumb to peer pressure. By contrast, it is more difficult for a child to sustain a rejecting attitude when no one is supporting him.
Very often, reversing alienation is easier when you spend time alone with each child, rather than have siblings together as a group. As mentioned in the preceding chapter, an older child sometimes serves as a stand-in for your ex, reinforcing the negative attitudes about you. One teenager told me directly that he would not allow his younger sister to develop loving feelings toward her mother. If he saw this happening, the boy said, he would tell his sister she was stupid and tell her that she had to choose between Dad and Mom.
I recommend focusing first on rekindling your bond with the child who is least alienated. Success with this child will give you more confidence and hope in repairing the other relationships. Also, when your other children see their brother or sister enjoying the benefits of a happy relationship with you, it may remind them of what they are missing and motivate them to reconnect with you.
The drawback of the divide-and-conquer approach is that it may create conflict among your siblings. When the child returns to your ex’s home, she will probably be subjected to a great deal of pressure to renew negative feelings toward you. She may be teased or rejected when she reveals any positive feelings toward you. Ironically, her other parent or siblings may accuse her of being brainwashed.
If your bond is strong with your child, you can help her prepare for the return to her other home. Discuss the possibility of her other parent and siblings disapproving of her love for you. To a young child you might say, “It’s like they have a club over there: the Hate Daddy Club. And they want you to join. But you don’t have to. They’ll still love you if you don’t join. Instead, you are part of the I Love Daddy Club. And that’s very special because you have only one daddy and he loves you forever.” Help your child think of alternative ways of dealing with such pressure. You can teach her to stand up for her right to love whomever she wants. You can teach her to assert her desire to have her own opinions about her parents.
One child asked his father, “Are you going to stop loving me if I love Mommy?”
The father had to say no.
“Well, then I’m going to love both of you, and that’s that,” said the child.
Not only did the father back off, but the child’s older brother was impressed with this assertiveness and asked to go with his brother the next time they were scheduled to see their mother.
The divide-and-conquer approach can also be effective with the child who is more alienated. When a child is separated from his siblings, he is more dependent on you. This increases your influence and makes it harder for the child to sustain the alienation. Even if this approach is not successful with all your children, it may at least help you open the heart of one child. Sometimes we have to settle for what we can get.
CONTAGION CONTROL: HELPING CHILDREN
STAY NEUTRAL
Divorce poison engenders a sort of tribal warfare in which each family member is expected to takes sides. When you use the divide-and-conquer method, make sure that you do not contribute to this warfare. The goal of divide and conquer is to overcome alienation. It is not to promote conflict among siblings, or turn your children against your ex. But you do want to give nonalienated children the support they need to resist pressure to turn against you.
Children who refuse to join in a campaign of denigration risk disapproval. The alienating parent and alienated siblings expect them to be loyal to the cause. Your job is to teach your children how to disappoint this expectation while continuing to treat their other parent with love and respect. In doing so, you may find it useful to compare your family situation to a war. Countries form alliances with one side or the other. But some countries stay neutral throughout the conflict. They continue friendly relations with both sides, without participating in the hostilities. Depending on the circumstances, this may or may not be the best or most moral foreign policy. But it is the best way for a child of divorce to retain a relationship with both parents.
Stress the values that your children were taught during the marriage. Reinforce the obvious position that it is healthier to maintain love and respect for all their parents rather than participate in a campaign of hatred. Emphasize the virtue of showing courage in the face of group pressure.
Children need to learn to tell both their parents that they do not want to be placed in the middle of conflicts. They do not want to hear each parent say bad things about the other. They do not want to spy on a parent. They do not want to carry messages back and forth. When a parent bad-mouths the other parent, the children can ask, “Why are you telling me this?”
When a child learns to assert himself in this manner, it has been my experience that the alienating parent and alienated siblings eventually accept the child’s neutrality. They continue to bad-mouth the target. But they exhibit a curious contradictory stance. On the one hand, they think the target is despicable and unworthy of respect. On the other hand, they tolerate the child who holds a different opinion and maintains a positive relationship with the target. Harmony exists as long as the target is not the topic of conversation. I have wondered whether this tolerance allows alienated siblings to gratify vicariously the aspect of themselves that longs for a reunion with the formerly loved parent.
I must add that, although children should attempt to maintain cordial relations with both parents, this does not mean that they must refrain from expressing their opinion about what each parent says about the other. Children who express their true thoughts and feelings, however unpopular, will reap the benefits of higher self-esteem.
A parent who has been successful in preventing or reversing alienation in one child may expect help from this child in persuading the others to follow suit. In general, I think this is a mistake. It is a major achievement for a child to resist divorce poison, particularly when her siblings have succumbed. This should be enough. I do not recommend burdening a child with the additional assignment of converting siblings to her way of thinking. The effort is likely to meet with failure, and the result may well be a rupture of the sibling relationship. This serves no one any good. Exceptions might be made in the case of older adolescents or young adults who might have more influence over younger siblings.
WITH GOD ON OUR SIDE—REVISITED
In the preceding chapter, I showed how appeals to religious authority can be used in the service of brainwashing. Religion can also be used to undo brainwashing.
If you have taught your children a set of religious beliefs, and the children recognize this belief system as a valid guide to moral conduct, you should not hesitate to use the teachings of your religion to counteract alienation. The religious precept most obviously relevant to alienated children is the Fifth Commandment, “Honor thy father and thy mother.” The major Western religions teach other practices that may prove useful.
Judaism has specific and strong prohibitions against disparaging speech, known as Lashon Hara (literally “the evil tongue”). Jewish law regards the harm done by malicious speech as worse than the harm done by stealing. Stolen objects can be returned. But words, once said, cannot be unspoken. There is a Hasidic tale of a man who told malicious lies about the rabbi. Feeling remorse, he went to the rabbi and asked how he could make amends. The rabbi told him to cut open a pillow and scatter the feathers to the wind. The man followed the rabbi’s unusual instruction and then returned. The rabbi told him, “Now, go and gather the feathers. Because you can no more make amends for the damage your words have done than you can re-collect the feathers.”
Christianity repeatedly emphasizes the virtue of forgiveness. And dishonesty is prohibited by most, if not all, major religions. Confronting your children with the discrepancy between their religious values and their treatment of you may help open them up to the desirability of reconciliation.
Consider asking the clergy in your place of worship to assist you. If they support the sanctity of parent-child relationships, and believe that your children should be loyal to both parents, perhaps they can assist by talking with your children.
Dr. Gardner wrote about a case in which the religious beliefs of an alienated child played a pivotal role in keeping her father from being unjustly imprisoned. The girl had falsely accused her father of repeatedly fondling her genitals.
Before his daughter testified in his criminal trial, the father helped the attorney prepare a series of questions designed to remind the girl of the religious implications of her behavior. When she was on the witness stand, the attorney elicited from the girl her beliefs that lying is a sin, that one should honor thy father and thy mother, that God punishes people who violate these precepts, and that God sees and knows everything that happens in the universe, including the courtroom. With this preparation, the lawyer asked her to tell, while God watched and listened, the truth about whether her father touched her private places. After a long pause, the girl recanted her previous allegations. She admitted that she had been lying. She felt that God would be happy with her now.
When asked why she told the lie, she said that when her mother first asked her whether her dad ever touched her private place, she said no. But when her mother kept repeating the question, she finally said yes just to put an end to the questions. After she said yes, her mother was happy and kept asking her to repeat it. After a while she thought maybe it really happened. But she knew it really didn’t.
Some people might object to this lawyer’s tactic because it relies on inducing guilt. My response: A child who makes false abuse accusations needs to feel more guilt. The alternative is to live for the rest of her life with the knowledge that she is responsible for sending her father to prison. Eventually she would feel much greater remorse or, worse, she could have such a corrupted character that she would be apathetic about causing this much damage to her father and the people who love him.
Craig had not seen his son and daughter for four years. The court awarded him custody at the time of the divorce, but his ex abducted the two children and fled the country. By the time the children returned, they were programmed to believe that Craig was a child molester and a wife beater.
For the time being, the court left the children with their mother and appointed a therapist to work with the family. Craig eagerly awaited his first joint session with the children. This would be his first face-to-face contact with them in four years.
The therapist warned Craig that the children were angry with him. He advised Craig not to argue with the children. Craig was optimistic. He assumed that his bond with the children would overcome any initial problems. Craig sat on the couch. The therapist brought in the two children. Craig could barely restrain himself from hugging the children and crying. Instead, he asked, voice choked with suppressed tears, “How are you two doing?”
The older child said, “Horrible. Why do we have to be here? You sexually abused us and we don’t want to have anything to do with you. We despise you. You’re a dirty child molester, a pervert, and you belong in jail.” The words fail to capture the venomous tone in which they were delivered.
Craig’s lower jaw dropped. He was unprepared for the rage directed at him from his own children. Without thinking, Craig blurted out, “That’s a dirty lie. I never did anything like that. You’ve been brainwashed.”
The older child screamed, “You’re calling me a liar. I don’t have to stand for that. I’m out of here.” Whereupon both children fled from the office. They never returned.
Five months following this aborted treatment effort, another therapist was brought in to assist. This therapist spent several sessions with Craig before scheduling a joint session with the children. Craig explained that he felt compelled to defend himself against the horrible, gross distortions of his character. The new therapist understood Craig’s sense of outrage and injustice. But she told him that it was best to wait before trying to respond to the accusations. This was excellent advice. She helped him rehearse how to bypass a confrontation over the abuse allegations. The therapist then proceeded to use the divide-and-conquer approach combined with other techniques to successfully facilitate the reunion.
One of the biggest impediments to reconciliation occurs when a child is convinced that a parent is guilty of a major transgression, such as child abuse, domestic violence, or alcoholism, and the parent adamantly denies guilt. Both sides insist that they are telling the truth. And each expects the other’s agreement before they can have a relationship.
Professional negotiators table the most difficult issues until the end of the negotiations. The idea is achieve success with more modest goals, and then build on those successes. The same goes for reconciling with your children.
As much as possible, avoid arguments about whether or not you did the horrible things you are being accused of. Do not demand a resolution of this dispute when you are first trying to reunite with your child. I am not suggesting that you capitulate to your child’s version of reality. Just table the discussion. Agree to disagree.
I cannot emphasize this enough. A premature attempt to resolve an explosive issue, particularly without the assistance of an experienced therapist, will not only meet with failure, it will blow up in your face, leaving a trail of destruction that makes the prospect of reconciliation even more remote.
I suggest telling your child something like this: “I know you and I have a big disagreement about what really happened. We both know we are not going to settle that today, so let’s not even talk about it. Let’s just try to have the best time we can. This is called ‘agreeing to disagree.’ It means that we are not going to waste our time trying to convince each other of who’s right. Sometimes in life you have a disagreement that you can’t settle right away. It doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy each other’s company. Now, what would you like to do today?”
You will find it a lot easier to address the major allegations after you have built other bridges to your child’s heart. In fact, you may find that the allegations need hardly be addressed once a reconciliation has been achieved. Naturally, none of this applies to parents who actually are guilty of the misdeeds attributed to them. In such case, you and your children will probably need professional guidance to build a healthy relationship. Part of the work will involve facing up to what you have done, understanding its impact on your children, preventing any recurrence, and finding a way to atone.
One of the hallmarks of children whose alienation is irrational is that they come to see one parent as a villain and the other as a hero. They need to be helped to appreciate that both parents have their good qualities and their bad qualities. Even the most virtuous parent falls short of perfection. Your children will be less likely to see you as all bad if they grasp this concept and if they learn that it is normal to have mixed feelings about people you love.
Review the section on selective attention in the preceding chapter. Show the children how easy it would be to form a negative opinion of anyone based only on their mistakes and worst performances. Remind them of a past time when they misbehaved. Point out that neither parent stopped loving them just because they did something bad, mean, or cruel. Explain your concern that if they only hear and think bad things about you, they will forget all the good things. Tell them that their other parent, like every parent, also makes mistakes, but that this does not and should not keep them from seeing the good in him or her.
A father taught this lesson using the indirect technique described earlier. He told his son, “I read in a book about this boy whose mom was very angry with his dad. Every time this mother talked about his dad, all she could think of were bad things to say. She was constantly criticizing him. Pretty soon this boy forgot that his dad, like everyone, was a mixture of good things and bad things. He forgot how his dad used to throw him up in the air and catch him. He forgot how his dad used to coach his baseball team. He was too young to remember how excited his dad was when the boy was born. But this boy’s father loved him very much.”
A related lesson is the idea that human perception is fallible. We misperceive things. We misremember events. We think we are correct when we are not. We see things from different, often equally valid, perspectives. For this reason, when we have a disagreement with loved ones, it is important that maintaining cordial relations takes priority over insisting that we are right or that our grasp of reality is superior.
“Mommy says all you care about is your girlfriend, that we’re not important to you anymore, and that’s why you left us.”
The best response to this sort of comment is not, “She’s wrong.” It is “What do you think?”
The problem with the first approach is that it assumes that the children will accept your assertion, uncritically, in place of their mother’s assertion. It teaches them to accept what you say because you said it. It does not teach them to think critically, to judge the facts for themselves. It leaves them in no better position to deal with all the other allegations about you that they might hear.
If the children are not taken in by the allegation, you can simply say something like, “I can see that you are too smart to be fooled into thinking I don’t love you.” But you should say something. Many well-meaning parents work so hard to keep children out of the middle of divorce conflict that they say nothing. They may act as if they didn’t hear the children, or they may change the subject. But they fail to help their children cope with bad-mouthing. Think about it this way: The children would not have mentioned the bad-mouthing to you in the first place if they weren’t looking for a response.
“Daddy says you don’t feed us healthy food.” (Differences in attitudes about nutrition are a familiar battleground for divorced parents in conflict.) Instead of saying “That’s nonsense,” or something worse, ask the children what they think about it. “What have you learned in school about nutrition? Do you get sick a lot? Did the doctor ever say you weren’t eating right? Did Daddy ever complain about this when we were married? Am I feeding you any differently now than I used to?”
After helping them think through the issue, you may want to help the children understand why their father would say something like this.
“I know Daddy and I don’t make the same kind of meals. When you are older, you can decide for yourself what kind of food you think is best to eat. But why do you think Daddy says these things about me? Do you think he is really worried about your health, or do you think maybe he says these things because he is still mad at Mom?”
When your children repeat something critical about you that they heard from your ex, resist the temptation to immediately correct the distortion. Instead, invite the children to judge for themselves. If necessary, help them consider the evidence for and against the statement. And then help them figure out what might have motivated their other parent to say these things about you. By engaging your children in this way, you encourage the virtue of rationality and strengthen their ability to resist mental manipulation.
Whether or not the procedures presented above are successful in preventing or overcoming alienation, an important aspect of helping children caught in the middle of their parents’ battles is to educate them about divorce poison. This can help children who have already recovered their affectionate feelings cope with future exposures to divorce poison. And it can help open the minds and hearts of children who are still alienated.
A reminder: Any of the following strategies for educating children about brainwashing may be more effectively introduced through third parties and through the indirect means described earlier. Also, it is best to implement these strategies under the guidance of a therapist.
Victims of brainwashing—whether prisoners of war, members of cults, or alienated children—do not recognize that they are brainwashed. If you tell an alienated child that he is brainwashed, he will resent the implication that his attitudes are not his own. He does not recognize that he is a puppet controlled by the alienating parent. Indeed, a common feature of these children is their insistence that they have arrived at their negative attitudes about the target solely through their own independent judgment.
The key to recovering from divorce poison is to gain the insight that one has been influenced by it. It will be easier for a child to grasp and accept that he has been brainwashed if he understands and accepts the possibility of such an occurrence. The first step, therefore, is to provide general information about how people can influence our thoughts and feelings. I recommend doing this in a graduated fashion. Begin with situations that are most removed from divorce poison. Choose something familiar to your children, such as television commercials and sales tactics. Show how these try to convince you that a product is worth buying. You will be more effective if you can coax the children to take an active part in the conversation. For example, challenge them to identify the particular strategies a commercial uses to influence consumers.
One day I took my two youngest grandchildren to a discount department store. A manufacturer’s representative had set up a demonstration booth to pitch sales of a new type of sponge. He promised free gifts to people in the audience. My grandchildren begged me to stop shopping so that we could attend the demonstration. Instead of telling them why I thought this was a bad idea, I decided to let experience be their teacher.
So we stayed. And stayed. And stayed. The sales pitch and demonstration were well crafted. The longer it went on, the more it seemed it was just about to end. With all the time we had already invested, why leave just before the free gifts were distributed? The audience was captivated.
Finally, the eagerly anticipated end came, and the gifts were given out. Each person received a five-by-seven-inch blue synthetic cloth, reputed to have near magic absorbency. Naturally the children were disappointed. They desperately wanted me to buy the sponge mop that was the ultimate subject of the demonstration. They were convinced that it was the greatest thing since sliced bread. But I wasn’t buying it. I patiently explained why.
Afterward, when the glow of the sales pitch wore off, we discussed the experience. The children were shocked to learn how much time they had given up to watch the show. I called their attention to some of the gimmicks used to maintain our attention: the promise of a gift; involving the audience by challenging them to guess the outcome of a particular part of the demonstration; not allowing questions until the very end; avoiding any mention of the product’s drawbacks; keeping the price a secret until the end; claiming an artificially high list price in order to make the actual purchase price look like an incredible bargain. Typical sales tactics.
I was even able to get in a discussion of cognitive dissonance. After spending so much time watching the demonstration, I explained, people wanted to believe that it was a worthwhile venture. Instead of telling themselves that they wasted their time, they preferred to tell themselves that they were lucky to get such a wonderful bargain. What really convinced my grandchildren was when I asked them, “If the salesman told you at the beginning how long the demonstration would last, and he showed you the gift you were going to get, would you have watched the show?” The little blue rag is a constant reminder of a lesson learned. To assuage their regret, I reassured them that, in a way, their time was well spent. They learned something that would probably save them a lot of time and money in the future.
If the children are old enough, try discussing mind control that occurs in other contexts. Hypnosis is a good vehicle for such discussions. People are always fascinated with this topic. Since children like to show how smart they are, invite them to tell you what they know about hypnosis. Where have they seen it demonstrated? Do they think it is really possible to hypnotize someone into doing something without the person being aware of the external influence? It is very important that the children understand that a hypnosis subject will follow the hypnotist’s suggestions, while denying the hypnotist’s influence. If your children can accept this idea —that people under the influence of post-hypnotic suggestions act without awareness that they are hypnotized—it will be easier for your children to entertain the idea that some of their behavior and attitudes can reflect external pressures that are not readily apparent.
Once the principle of persuasion has been established, work your way closer to direct discussions of how parents influence children. This should be done over time, and spread out over several discussions. Begin with the more general concept that people can influence our attitudes toward others. Politician’s speeches and hate propaganda cast other people and groups in a negative light, and are good examples of attempts to convince us to do the same. Older children can take part in discussions about brainwashed prisoners of war and people enticed into joining religious cults who then denounce their families and the wider culture. Such discussions are far enough removed from your family situation that your children are less likely to shut you out.
Next, introduce the idea that parents exercise strong influence over children, and that this influence sometimes promotes alienation from others and racial hatred. Ask your children if they think babies are born hating people of a different ethnicity or religion. Since this is obviously false, the discussion can move to the issue of how children learn to hate groups of people, and the role that their parents play in this process. With older children you can initiate discussions about child terrorist suicide bombers. Children incited and recruited to perform acts of terrorism are strong testament to their susceptibility to indoctrination by influential adults to hate others for no good reason.
The last stage is to introduce the idea of a parent alienating children from the other parent. Whether or not this will require direct discussions of your family situation depends on how the children respond to the more general material. Before discussing your ex’s behavior, try talking about divorce poison in general. Talk about something you read in a book, perhaps about how divorced parents sometimes bad-mouth each other. Better still, involve your children in reading a book that discusses such problems. Dr. Gardner’s The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce has advice for children “when your mother talks about your father” and “when your father talks about your mother.” Reading these sections together can provide a point of departure for conversations about the children’s own family situation should your children be receptive to this.
It is important to tailor the conversations to your children’s age and maturity. Young children understand the concept of people “tricking” others. Eventually they can understand that sometimes one parent can trick them into being angry with the other parent in order to punish the target parent.
A mother told her son, “Sometimes children get mad at a mother because their father is angry and tricks the children into thinking that the mother is a bad person. Sometimes a child will forget all the fun things his mom did with him. After all, if the mom was so bad, why did the daddy marry her in the first place? She must have had many nice things about her for the father to fall in love with her and have children with her. But once parents get divorced, they may start thinking mainly about the bad things about each other. If the children keep hearing only about the bad things, they may forget about all the good things.”
Of all the advice in this book, the one that may be the most controversial is the recommendation to teach your children about how they are being manipulated by your ex. I can understand people’s concern. In many divorces, parents mutually bad-mouth each other. Some of these parents will misuse my advice to avoid taking responsibility for their own behavior. They will use it as a license to continue bad-mouthing their ex. This is why I began the book with an entire chapter defining the delicate balance between constructive and destructive criticism.
Helping children understand how a parent has tried to poison their relationships is no more an example of bad-mouthing than is helping children understand a parent’s physically or sexually abusive behavior. Authorities may disagree about what term best describes children who irrationally reject a parent. But most agree that these children are suffering a type of emotional abuse at the hands of the other parent.
Do alienated parents contribute to the problem? In many cases they certainly do. But this fact does not absolve the perpetrator from primary responsibility. The analogy with other forms of abuse holds. A mother may fail to prevent her husband from physically brutalizing their child. Any treatment program will certainly need to address her passivity. But we would never hold her equally responsible for the abuse.
Psychotherapists do not like to place blame. Effective treatment usually rests on the therapist’s ability to accept a client’s problems in a nonjudgmental manner. But therapists who are unaware of the dynamics of brainwashing will fail to recognize the importance of educating children about it. They may be too quick to advise alienated parents to wait passively, hoping that someday the children will change their minds.
Chapter 3 described the most common errors that alienated parents commit. I will remind you of them shortly. A key mistake is being too passive about responding to divorce poison. In recommending that you teach your children about what is being done to them, I am advocating an active approach. This is consistent with my conviction that children deserve help in navigating the difficult terrain of a high-conflict divorce.
One of the best projective forms of communication with alienated children is the type that comes out of a movie projector. Stories, fairy tales, and fables are the age-old ways of communicating life’s important lessons to children. Movies and television shows are two modern ways. Fortunately, both the big screen and the little screen have produced shows that relate directly to many of the ideas that alienated children need to learn. Watching such shows with your children is an entertaining, low-anxiety strategy for introducing important themes. Certain shows will allow you to introduce the topics of mind control, hypnosis, brainwashing, parent-child relationships, even difficult divorces, in a relaxed atmosphere. The same children who would immediately shut down if you attempted to discuss their alienation will actively take part in a conversation about a hypnotized child or a brainwashed assassin.
I will present a brief list of shows to give some idea of the wide range of possibilities, and the potential of this strategy to help open communication between you and your children. I encourage you to be alert for others. In fact, I maintain a list of such “alienation busters” at the Divorce Poison Control Center on my website, www.warshak.com. I welcome additional suggestions from my readers. These shows can have value merely if your children watch them. (If you watch them together, at least you and they are sharing an enjoyable activity.) But the shows will have their biggest payoff if you can initiate a conversation about them and successfully engage your children in the discussion. The principles of indirect communication and graduated exposure are applicable here. Don’t be too quick to relate the movie to your child’s own situation. You do not want to arouse your child’s resistance. Learning about related situations lays a foundation that you can draw on in future conversations. The temptation will be to move too quickly. Given the frustration of rejected parents, this is understandable. Try to resist the temptation. Opening a closed mind is a delicate operation. Take your time and you will more likely meet with success.
Here are some shows to get you started:
I hope you get the idea. Now, bring out the popcorn, pop in a video, and begin your journey back to your child’s heart.
Some of the parents reading this book will be too quick to blame their ex-spouses for their children’s alienation rather than take responsibility for their own substantial contributions.
An eleven-year-old girl hated going to her father’s house every other weekend. Every weekend was the same. The father stayed at his computer the entire time, while the girl watched television. The father was extremely isolated socially and had no contact with friends or family. The girl was not allowed to attend parties on these weekends, nor participate in soccer games, because the father was afraid that the girl would see her mother at these events. The father was adamant that the mother not have any more time with their daughter than she was entitled to by the terms of their divorce decree.
The girl did not complain to her father because when she did, the father called the mother, and the parents got in terrible arguments. Month after month the girl complied with the schedule. She grew increasingly estranged from her father. When the mother learned of her daughter’s unhappiness, she tried to modify the custody arrangements. She did not want to eliminate the father-daughter contact, but she did want to give her daughter more control over when it would occur. In response, the father accused the mother of brainwashing the daughter. By blaming her for the problem, he was missing the chance to learn what he could do to improve the situation.
Parents who are excessively self-centered or rigid may have a hard time creating an environment in which their children feel comfortable and welcome. These parents need to learn more about their children’s needs and interests and about how to build a closer relationship. Blaming the ex-spouse, without doing anything to improve themselves, will merely drive their children farther away.
If you have been accused of poor parenting, instead of automatically defending yourself, consider the possibility that there is some basis for the accusations. Get an objective appraisal of your parenting practices. If trusted friends and relatives tell you that you are too harsh with your children, or too lenient, or expect too much, or give too little attention, or show too little patience, it is likely that you have a blind spot when it comes to evaluating yourself as a parent. If a psychotherapist tries to explain how you have contributed to the problems in your relationship with your children, pay careful attention. Demonstrate the intelligence and the courage to admit when you are at fault. Read books on parenting. (I list my favorites at www.warshak.com.) Attend parenting classes. Learn more about your child’s unique interests and personality. Build bridges with your child by engaging in activities that are mutually enjoyable.
One father whose son was beginning to turn against him exploited their common interest in collecting stamps. This gave them a comfortable way to relate without having to focus on their problems. Rather than tell his son that he was a rewarding parent to be with, he showed him. They went to stamp shows together, looked up stamps in a catalog, and compared collections. This was enough to reinforce their bond.
The days and weeks surrounding a marital breakup are a particularly volatile time in a family’s life. Parents often say and do things they later regret. If you haven’t already done so, apologize to the children for mistakes such as things said in anger about the other parent, revelations that would have been better left unsaid, acts of violence, intimidation, harshness, or rejection.
Even if your ex-spouse takes your parenting deficiencies out of context, exaggerates them, and ignores your parenting strengths, it still makes sense to make yourself the best parent you can be. The more your behavior differs from what the children have been programmed to expect, the easier it will be for them to recognize that they have judged you wrongly. By using your ex-spouse’s criticisms as a stimulus to self-improvement, you are acting more responsibly and removing yourself from the passive victim role. The result will be greater self-respect and confidence as a parent.
Being a good parent doesn’t guarantee your children’s love, respect, and trust. But it certainly doesn’t hurt.
The suggestions in this chapter focus on what to do to protect your bond with your child. But there are also things you should try to avoid doing.
Targets of divorce poison usually respond in ways that make the problem worse. I have already emphasized the mistake of being too passive. You cannot watch idly as your children drift away from you. You cannot wait until they feel ready to see you. You may be waiting the rest of your life.
However, being with your children is not enough. How you treat them is what has the most impact. While you work to implement the strategies already discussed, do your best to follow the rules below. I am aware that these rules set a high standard that parents with the best intentions cannot always meet, but the more closely you follow them, the greater your chance of successfully helping your children cope with divorce poison.
Don’t Lose Your Temper
Alienated children can be rude, obnoxious, hateful. They express, and provoke, great hostility. No one would blame the target of mistreatment for responding in kind. But it just makes things worse.
If your children are succumbing to divorce poison, they will be unfazed by your criticisms. They act with the blessings and encouragement of your ex, and they no longer respect you enough to want your approval. Besides, you won’t win your children’s affection by fighting with them or frightening them. Any aggression that you show, either verbal or physical, will merely play into the hands of your ex. It will be taken out of context and blown out of proportion and used to justify the children’s rejection.
Don’t Reject Your Children
In the early stages of alienation some target parents counterreject their children. They rebuke the children for their negative attitudes, and tell them, in effect, “Shape up or ship out.” They expect, of course, the children to shape up. This might have worked prior to the onset of the alienation. But it no longer works when the children have lost respect for the parent or lost sight of their need for the parent.
Parents use this ploy before they appreciate the nature and seriousness of the problem. They never consider the possibility that the children will choose to sever contact permanently. By the time they realize their mistake, it is often too late.
Counterrejecting your children is the wrong move for several reasons:
Pushing the children away will not bring them closer. Even if your push seems gentle to you, it could strike the mortal blow to your relationship.
Don’t Try to End Alienation with Lectures
Lectures are rarely a useful response to negative feelings even with nonalienated children. Not only is your attempt likely to fall on deaf ears, it detracts from the quality of your time together. Instead, concentrate on creating conflict-free, pleasurable experiences. Good times together will do more to promote your bond than the most carefully crafted words.
Don’t Dismiss the Children’s Feelings
“You don’t really hate Daddy.” As with lectures, denying the reality of children’s feelings won’t make them go away. Even though you know their newly developed anger or fear are products of divorce poison, the feelings are real. Dismissing them will further entrench your children’s estrangement. They will take this as evidence that you are not listening to them, or that you don’t understand them, or that you don’t care about their feelings. For the same reason, it is best to avoid arguing with your children about the origin of their negative attitudes. They may be using the exact same words as your ex, but if you deny the autonomy of their feelings, whether or not they realize what they are doing (and many times they do not), they will feel dismissed and insist that no one told them what to say.
This does not mean you have to dwell on negative feelings. In fact, other than acknowledging the feelings when first expressed, it is best not to become preoccupied with them. “I can see that you don’t want to be here, but what can we do today that will be fun for both of us?”
Don’t Overreact
If your children repeat a bad thing your ex has said about you, don’t automatically conclude that the children are on their way to becoming alienated. They may be repeating the comment because they are troubled by it. They may be wanting help from you. As calmly as possible, ask them how they feel about what your ex said. Express empathy for how uncomfortable it must be for them to have to hear such things. You want to make sure that your response to their revelation is not so angry that they will regret having told you.
Don’t Bad-mouth Your Ex
You will accomplish nothing by bad-mouthing your ex except to give your children a genuine reason to feel uncomfortable around you. Before criticizing your ex to your children, review the test in chapter 1 (chapter 1). This will help ensure that what you are about to say is truly for the children’s benefit, and not merely to indulge your wish to retaliate. If your ex is trying to poison the children against you, find a constructive way to address the problem. Gratuitous insults will only make it harder for your children to benefit from your legitimate criticisms.
If your children are victims of divorce poison, they already have one home in which they have to listen to a parent being run down. Let them experience your home as a demilitarized zone, a respite from the hostilities. In time they may notice the difference and appreciate your stance. In fact, at an appropriate moment, you can draw their attention to the contrast: “Have you ever noticed how, when you are here, you don’t hear me bad-mouthing your dad? This is how it should be for children whose parents are divorced. I read somewhere that children really wish their parents would stop putting each other down.”
A grandfather was taken aback when his granddaughter asked him if he loved her mother, his former daughter-in-law. The girl’s mother had been extremely destructive during the divorce. She threatened to kidnap her children, and she had attempted, with only partial success, to poison her children’s relationship with her ex and his entire family. The grandfather wanted to answer honestly. But he also sensed that his grandchild was looking for reassurance, and for a way out of the tribal warfare to which she had been subjected. After a few seconds, he gathered his thoughts and responded: “You know that your mother says some very mean things about me, Nanna, and your daddy. She is still very angry with us. I’m sorry she feels that way. I know it is hard for you and your sister when you hear Mommy talk like that. It makes it harder for me to feel friendly toward her when she acts that way. But I do love her. I love her because she and your daddy had you. There will always be a special place in my heart for the mother of my grandchild. I hope Mommy will get over her anger so that you can enjoy seeing us be friendly with each other. But even if she doesn’t, you can love all the grown-ups who love you. And they will always love you.”
Up to this point I have described how to deal with alienated children. But there may also be things you can do to encourage your ex to reduce the hostilities, which, in turn, will remove some of the impetus for divorce poison.
Right the Wrong
To whatever extent your ex’s anger at you is partially a reaction to your misdeeds or mistreatment, you must face up to your responsibility and do what you can to set things right. If you were dishonest in your financial settlement, have your attorney propose a modification of the divorce decree. If your affair triggered the end of the marriage, apologize. It is important to show regret not just for your behavior but for the entire chain of events that resulted from the deed. Psychologist-attorney Dr. John Zervopoulos uses the analogy of a pebble dropped into a pond. The affair is the pebble. The concentric rings that emanate from the pebble in the water are the aftereffects of the affair—the sense of betrayal, the breakup of the family, your spouse’s depression, your children’s embarrassment, the financial cost of the divorce, your children’s anxiety. Your apology will have more meaning if you show that you understand the full ramifications of your actions.
Be More Cooperative
In general, think about what changes you can make to lessen the hostilities. Perhaps there is something you do that is particularly troublesome to your ex. You may be too rigid when it comes to last-minute changes in the residential schedule of the children. Try to accommodate your ex when this would benefit the children. Avoid unnecessary harsh words. If you want the tone of your coparenting relationship to improve, take responsibility for initiating the improvement.
Reassure
A personal problem, such as alcoholism, substance abuse, depression, or impulsivity may have contributed to the failure of the marriage and your children’s discomfort around you. Even if your ex exploits the situation to turn the children against you, provide the level of reassurance that your ex and the children have the right to expect regarding your state of recovery. Let them know that you recognize that you have a problem and that you are getting help for it. This will set a good example for your children about how to handle a difficult personal problem with honesty and dignity. Devise an explicit relapse prevention program and share this with your ex and with your children if appropriate. Because your communications may someday have legal ramifications, you may want to have your attorney review these before delivering them. You should be honestly apologetic, but you should not admit to things you didn’t do merely to try to make peace.
Reassurance is particularly important if you are planning to remarry. As I discussed in chapter 4, remarriage, and the anxiety it stirs, often serves as a trigger for divorce poison. If you remarry, reaffirm to your ex-spouse your awareness of his or her central importance to your child. Emphasize your wish to cooperate in bringing up the children. If your ex remarries, communicate your intention to actively promote the children’s relationship with their stepparent.
Send a Letter of Peace
In her excellent book Between Love and Hate, Lois Gold advises parents to write letters of goodwill to each other. The advantage of a letter is that it gives you a chance to organize your thoughts and express yourself without getting drawn into a nonproductive argument. Ms. Gold believes, “If you are able to speak from the heart of your desire to move beyond the anger and destructiveness, you can often cut through your spouse’s animosity and touch his or her deeper concerns also.”
The letter should express your concern about how the children are being harmed by being caught in the middle of their parents’ battles. It should affirm your desire to improve cooperation and shield the children from further damage. Your ex may dismiss your letter as self-serving and manipulative. But it won’t hurt to go on record offering the olive branch.
Learn How to Negotiate
Poorly managed conflicts between ex-spouses often sow the seeds for the discontent and animosity that drive divorce poison. The conflicts remain unresolved because one or both parents are poor negotiators. They may each take a firm stand using highly inflammatory, blaming language that sinks negotiations before they get under way. Neither one may understand the importance of recognizing the underlying needs and concerns that may be satisfied by positions other than the ones they rigidly advance and defend. Good negotiation skills are indispensable if you continue to relate to a difficult ex.
ANN LANDERS’S RECONCILIATION DAY
In her popular advice column, Ann Landers designated April 2 as Reconciliation Day. On that day, she urged everyone to make an effort to mend a strained or broken relationship. She also advised everyone to “accept the olive branch” extended to them. As Miss Landers explained, “Life is too short to hold grudges. To be able to forgive can be enormously healing and life-enhancing.”
Ann Landers’s column ended with her death in 2002. The idea of a Reconciliation Day, though, is a good one that should live on. I suggest sending a card or note to your children on this day. Explain that April 2 is Reconciliation Day, a day to reach out to people with whom you have lost touch. Your note should say that it is time to move beyond the past and restore a relationship before it is too late. Ask for contact, either in person, by phone, text, or email. It is a small effort that may yield a huge return. You never know what will break through the wall of alienation. I would be very interested to hear from any readers who find success with this tactic.
With the exception of the note on Reconciliation Day, all of the advice in this chapter assumes that you have some contact with your children. If you are denied any contact with them, then you must first work to reestablish this. If your ex will not cooperate with you, then it is time to get outside help.