These activities are designed for use with the lessons indicated in the previous chapters, although there are some supplemental activities as well that can be used on their own. You may photocopy and distribute these as hard copies to students for use during class or on their own. Unless indicated, all of these worksheets/activities were developed by the author and should be cited as such. They are not to be reproduced for purposes of sale to anyone or distribution to anyone other than the students in your class.
The majority of these exercises are for students to use on their own. You may use class time to explain and introduce them, but students should feel free to take them home and think about them before completing them. Many of these tasks will feel uncomfortable or complicated in the beginning, and others will feel very personal and private. Students need not share their answers with anyone. The ultimate goal is to increase students’ ability to be introspective and self-aware and ask questions that will help them integrate the material presented in class.
Lesson: Energy Follows Intention
Activity: Mind v. Body
We live in a culture that places a high value on our thoughts and our brains. We often take our bodies for granted unless there is something wrong, such as when we are in pain or hungry or tired. Our brain and our body work best as a team, but by the time we hit middle school, most of us need a little practice tuning in to what our bodies are telling us. We have all had times when we decided to do something even though our “gut” told us not to, and we have all had times when we listened to our bodies and ate an entire pint of ice cream or two orders of fries despite the voice in our head saying, “NO!”
Fill out the following table with ideas of what a typical day in your life might look like if you only lived according to your brain (in one column) or your physical impulses (in the other column).
Use a separate sheet of paper or your journal to answer the four questions and explore the ideas introduced in this lesson.
Table A.1
1. Think of times in your life when you were able to blend thoughts and emotions effectively. What did it look like? Was it hard to do?
2. What happens when we do things impulsively or emotionally without checking in with our head?
3. What happens when we discount our feelings and make choices based solely on rational thought?
4. Do you feel differently about times when you used your head more than your heart? Do you think the outcomes were different? How?
Students can sometimes struggle with the answers to these questions, and that’s OK. The point is to get them thinking about how often they react emotionally to situations in their life versus how often they shut down emotional responses and seek purely logical solutions. The answers will be different for everyone, and there is no right or wrong. The more we can become curious about our own motivations in certain circumstances, the more we realize we have the power to choose how to react to things in our lives and learn from those choices.
Lesson: Anger Comes from Fear
Activity: Alternative Pathways
This activity is designed for students to work in groups of three or four during class time. Ask them to identify what they think are fear-driven responses in the following scene. Auditory or kinesthetic learners may benefit from acting out the scene or seeing it acted out. Can they articulate what each of the characters was likely afraid of?
Have each group talk about what the scene might have looked like if one character had admitted what they were afraid of. Does that seem like something that could actually happen?
What do students think about being able to recognize their own fears when they start to get angry? Do they think they could acknowledge their own fear at the moment? Would it change their behavior or the other person’s response?
Lesson: Owning Our Stories
Activity: Dream Analysis
Our dreams can tell us a lot about what we think of ourselves and the events in our lives. There are different schools of thought with regard to determining what our dreams mean, and one of them says that we are only capable of dreaming about things from our own perspective, which makes sense. We can’t exactly get inside someone else’s mind, no matter how much we want to, and if we examine our dreams from that context, we may learn something about our fears and hopes and current mindset.
1. Think of a recent or very vivid dream you’ve had, and write down the details. Who were the characters? What did they do or say?
2. Imagine that each of the characters in your dream (animal, human, mythical creatures, etc.) represents some part of you, and try to figure out what your subconscious could have been trying to tell you. See an example below.
Sample dream analysis: I once had a dream that I was at my mother-in-law’s house cutting apart team softball photos of my daughter to give to family members. About halfway through, I realized that I had been cutting the tablecloth that was beneath the photos as I cut the photos apart. Just as I had that horrible realization, the scissors stopped cutting straight and veered off to the side in my hand. No matter what I did, I couldn’t get them to cut straight—they would only cut off to the left side. In this scenario, the scissors, the photos, the tablecloth, and I are all different parts of me.
• I represented the part of me that wanted to be in control, even if it meant destroying something else (the tablecloth).
• The tablecloth represented the part of me that was being harmed by my controlling ideas.
• The scissors were the part of me that, when they recognized harm was being done, wouldn’t cooperate.
• The photos were the part of me that need to be separated into neat, tidy piles to distribute to the people in my life—an image that I wanted to represent myself. However, as the scissors veered off to the left, they distorted that image in the name of disrupting the controlling part of me.
Lesson: Mindfulness and Conflict
Activity: Knot Journaling
Think about a piece of rope with a knot in it. When we are in conflict with someone, we pull on one end of the rope while the other person stands at the opposite end pulling in the other direction, and the knot represents the conflict. Think about how if your goal is to undo the knot the only way to do it is to move to the middle and work together. Otherwise, you only pull the knot tighter.
Take a few minutes to journal about a conflict—it could be one you currently have with someone else, one you can feel coming soon, or one in the recent past. The knot is the central point of contention. Think about whether you can see a way to move toward the center and work with the other person to undo it. Identify what your ultimate desired outcome is, and try to imagine what the other person’s goal is. Examine whether you think it’s possible to undo the knot so that you are all happy or if you think it is more likely that you will have to agree to disagree and leave this piece of rope tangled up.
Lesson: The Trap of Superlatives
Activity: Superlatives Journaling
Think about a time when you were persuaded to do something by someone who said, “Everyone else is going.” Did you really believe that “everyone else” was going? Did you think that all of the people you know were going to do the same thing? Chances are you didn’t really believe that. However, imagine if the person trying to convince you had said, “Fifty-three percent of your friends are going.” Would that have sounded ridiculous? This activity is meant to start you thinking about the way we use words to get what we want and the impact of our words in certain situations. Write down the answers to the following questions on a sheet of paper or in your journal.
1. Think about a time when you used a superlative to convince someone else of something that you really cared about. Write down who you were talking to, what you wanted them to do (or not do), and what your exact words were as far as you remember them. (Example: One night as they were finishing dinner, a mother stood up and said to her kids, “Nobody ever offers to help me make dinner around here. It’s all my responsibility all the time.” She said that to shame her kids into offering their help in the future.)
2. Now write down whether what you said was 100 percent accurate. If it wasn’t, think about why you chose to say it the way you did and write that down. (Example: Nope, it wasn’t true at all. Occasionally, the kids do offer to help make dinner, but they hadn’t for a while, and she was missing their help. She was trying to make them feel guilty.)
3. Finally, consider how you could express your feelings differently in the future without using such extreme words (that aren’t likely true). (Example: The mother could say, “Man, I could really have used some help getting dinner on the table tonight. Would one of you be willing to help me tomorrow night?”)
4. Think about how the other person responded to your first way of doing things versus how you imagine they might react if you said it without using superlatives. (Example: After their mother’s outburst, the kids got defensive and immediately reminded her of times when they had helped with dinner. They all left the table upset with each other. Had she said it the other way, they would have understood that she wanted help rather than the kids feeling blamed for something.)
Lesson: Living Your Values
Activity: Personal Crest
Family crests and coats of arms were widely used in Europe to denote the values and regions of noble families. They were often ornate and had things ranging from animals to flags to labels and other items of significance. This activity builds on those with the idea that there are key things that are integral to the person you are that can be represented on your own personal crest.
Design it however you want to. Perhaps you create a background that has a shape that is representative of something important (i.e., if you love music, you could have your background resemble a vinyl record album, or if you have a great deal of compassion, perhaps a heart shape is more appropriate). Spend some time thinking about the kinds of activities you enjoy, the values you hold dear, and what a representative animal might be. You can use key words or phrases and embellish the design as much as possible.
Lesson: Seeing Others in Pain
Activity: Struggling with Compassion
Write down your answers in a journal or notebook. If there is time in class and you want to, share some of your answers with your classmates. This can help promote understanding and discussion of times when we all struggle to be compassionate.
1. Write about a time when you found it challenging to have compassion for someone else. Maybe it was seeing a homeless person on the street who was drunk or high; maybe your little sister borrowed your favorite shirt without asking, and you were so angry that you couldn’t listen to her explanation or apology; perhaps a friend of yours told others a story about you that he or she had vowed to keep a secret.
2. Write down how you felt. Were you angry? Fearful? Don’t worry about explaining or justifying your emotions; just name them. It is likely that there was more than one strong emotion; write them all down.
3. Repeat this exercise for one or two other times when you found it hard to have compassion for someone else. Think about how you felt—are there patterns? Even if the situations were very different, maybe there were some similarities. Do you think that could be why you reacted without compassion?
4. Think about what it might look like if you were able to set aside those strong emotions and try to have compassion for the other person. Is there a way you could benefit personally from doing that?
Lesson: Differing Perspectives
Activity: Assigning Feelings
This exercise shows how alike we all are, despite our actions, and can help students understand the perspective of someone they have demonized. It is designed to be done as a class. Write this list of emotions on a whiteboard or large sheet of paper for everyone to see:
|
Angry |
Sad |
|
Shameful |
Powerful |
|
Frustrated |
Rejected |
|
Nervous |
Overwhelmed |
|
Righteous |
Superior |
|
Distraught |
Fearful |
|
Isolated |
Uncertain |
|
Powerless |
Defeated |
|
Vulnerable |
Embarrassed |
|
Persecuted |
Jealous |
|
Confused |
Hopeless |
Assign one color pen to “the bully” and another color to “the victim.” Have the group tell you which feelings the bully might be experiencing and use the corresponding pen to put a hash mark or circle around each. Now, have them do the same with the victim, using the other color. Notice whether there is any crossover.
• Have students discuss their assumptions and impressions of what makes someone decide to bully someone else. Are there other feelings they would add to the list?
• Ask students whether it changes their perception of a “bully” to think that they are acting out of sadness or fear instead of anger.
Lesson: Name-Calling v. Owning Your Emotions
Activity: Accepting Circle and Emotional Mirror
Improv games are great for building compassion because they get kids to think creatively and collaboratively. Acting requires looking at things from a unique perspective and helps groups coalesce because they are all looking silly together. Do these as an entire class.
Accepting Circle
Students stand in a circle, and one person begins by making a small gesture, with or without an accompanying sound. The person to their left must copy that gesture and sound (if included) as closely as they can. The fun comes in when someone in the circle involuntarily moves or makes another noise. Even if it isn’t their turn, the person whose turn it is next must incorporate that sound/gesture into what they are doing. Students must watch for moans or sighs or sneezes or laughter and add them in when it’s their turn.
Emotional Mirror
This game is for pairs of students. Have them sit or stand facing each other. The first person assumes a particular emotion and begins talking in nonsense words. The second person must respond with nonsense words as they mirror the emotion of the first person. The first person then assumes a different emotion and begins speaking, and the second person must again mirror the emotion and respond. After two rounds, the second person gets to be the one to choose the emotion.
Lesson: Myths and Misperceptions about Bullying
Activity: What Does Bullying Look Like?
This activity can be done with the entire class or students can make notes on their own. Some of these scenarios can be difficult to discuss calmly with a large group, but it may be important to attempt it. Alternately, you can do a silent vote on which incidents constitute bullying and present the final tally to the class so that they can see where they differ from their classmates.
Read over the following incidents and decide which ones seem like “bullying” to you. Why or why not?
Next, think about whether or not you would speak up if you witnessed any of these things and what that might look like. Students can make notes in their journal or notebook if they prefer.
• A Latino student and an Asian student have an argument that escalates into screaming racial slurs and a physical altercation while other students watch.
• The opposing football team refuses to take the field against a team with a female player because “girls have no place in boys’ sports.”
• Students play an off-campus game they call “Beat the Jew” where one student is the “Jew” and the others are “Nazis” who chase him or her.
• A teacher discovers a “burn” page on Facebook filled with hateful, bigoted comments directed at a student who is thought to be gay.
• A group of students wearing T-shirts with letters on them which spell out the school’s name post a picture on social media where they have rearranged themselves to spell out a racial slur and call it a joke.
• The school pep rally involves students pretending to be illegal immigrants while other students, armed with billy clubs, round them up. (The students being “rounded up” are symbolizing the opposing team they will play that evening.)
• An anonymous Instagram account is created that shows candid shots of girls at school taken without their permission, and the captions denigrate the girls’ physical appearance, critique their outfits, and call them sluts or whores.
Lesson: What Don’t You Know?
Activity: Actor’s Nightmare
Have two students get up in front of the class, and give one of them a script. The student with the script begins by choosing one of the characters and reading a line. The other student has no script and no understanding of the plot, but they must respond and try to carry on in a way that makes sense. After a few minutes, choose two more students to play the game. If you want to make it more challenging, find a scene with three actors and give two of them scripts, and then have one student play along without knowing their lines.
Afterward, ask the students who performed without the script what it felt like to not have all the information they needed to play along.
Some samples of scripts can be found at www.freedrama.net.
Lesson: Self-Compassion
Activity: Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is about removing the lens of “other” and not worrying about how others see us, and it can be hard to do so when we are feeling unsure about ourselves. It is especially difficult to do when we have made a mistake or failed at something. What follows are nine steps you can go through to develop a sense of self-compassion when you’ve messed up, based on the work of Drs. Kristin Neff and Christopher Germer.
Have students look over the following as they think of a time when they felt particularly bad about themselves. They can write about how one or more of these messages could shift their perspective the next time they’re judging themselves harshly.
1. Recognize that some tasks are just really complicated.
2. Remember that nobody is born knowing how to do everything.
3. Acknowledge that we all fail way more often than we succeed.
4. Realize that you don’t control all of the circumstances that affect success or failure. Luck is sometimes a real thing.
5. Remember that your worth does NOT equal your achievements. If it did, babies wouldn’t be worth much, but everyone loves babies!
6. Recognize that it is hard to have perspective in the moment. We are often overcome with emotion when things don’t work out the way we wanted them to, but a week or a month later, they don’t seem like such a big deal.
7. Acknowledge your feelings, and allow yourself to be disappointed in the outcome, but make sure not to project into the future—don’t assume that this one mistake means that you’ll never get anything right again.
8. Remember that things we tell people are often about our successes. We don’t often see failures or mistakes posted on Facebook for the world to see.
9. Comparing yourself to others is impossible because what you see of other people’s lives is only the tip of the iceberg.
Lesson: Alternative Forms of Wealth
Activity: Wealth Mapping
This activity can be done by individuals or in small groups or pairs. It can be helpful for students to work with others to get additional ideas for their own wealth mapping, but each student should complete their own map.
Have them work to identify their unique stores of wealth, given their life experience and family/community design. They may come up with new types of wealth as well, and you can have them share examples with the class to generate discussion. Give students creative license to create their map with hash marks or examples of specific kinds of wealth. They can also note specific individuals who have either given them that wealth or helped them develop it. Some might discover that certain areas overlap or one might be a subset of another. Categories they might include are:
• Aspirational
• Family
• Social capital
• Navigational
• Resistant
• Linguistic
• Cultural
• Community
• Artistic
Figure A.1 Sample Wealth Map.
Lesson: Altruism
Activity: Bookend Your Day
Encourage students to create an index card or Post-it Notes with these questions on them to use at home. They can begin each day with the three morning questions and ask the evening questions during their routine before going to bed as a way to frame the day. Explanations of each of the questions are below.
Morning Questions
1. What can I expect from today?
2. What can I do to make today great?
3. What can I do for myself today?
Evening Questions
1. What made me happy today?
2. How did I help someone else today?
3. What am I looking forward to tomorrow?
Morning Questions Discussion
The first question is designed to help you wrap your head around what’s happening today. Maybe you have PE and that will impact what you wear, or it makes you happy because it’s your favorite class. Or perhaps you have a huge test and then a lacrosse game after school and then you have to race to the library to work on a group project that is due tomorrow, and it’s going to be a crazy day. Whatever it is, this gives you the opportunity to frame your day.
The second question gives you a chance to rise to the occasion. It doesn’t ask, “What would make today great?,” which would imply something happening to you. It places the opportunity on your shoulders to do something to make the day great—maybe you can start your day with your favorite drink or, knowing that you’ll be racing from one thing to the next, use your lunch hour to get a head start on that group project. It can be something big or small, but ideally, it is something that will cause you to feel satisfied at the end of the day.
The third question involves self-care, and it’s a cool thing to get into the habit of doing for yourself every day. You deserve to be cared for, and if you don’t do it, some days nobody else will. Maybe you can take a long, hot bath before bed, or you might plan to have lunch with someone who makes you feel great. Maybe you can go for a short run or swim or take fifteen minutes to sketch for fun or read a chapter of a book that doesn’t have anything to do with school.
Evening Questions Discussion
The first question is solely focused on gratitude. What went well today? What surprised you or made you smile spontaneously? Look back at the day, even if it was ultimately overwhelming and exhausting, and intentionally remember a moment when you smiled.
The second question uses the knowledge that giving makes us feel connected and happy. Did you help someone with a tough math question? Hold the door for that student on crutches? Buy your little sister a coffee before school? Help your mom make the salad for dinner? It doesn’t have to be big, but it’s important to remember it, and pat yourself on the back for it.
The last question gives you a reason to get out of bed tomorrow. There has to be something to look forward to—even if it’s your customary cup of chai tea or the fact that it’s Friday. Alternatively, if you can’t think of anything, create something. If tomorrow is looking like a total slog on all accounts, set up a lunch date with a good friend or plan on heading to the library to look up some of the stupidest jokes you can find and tell them to your friends.
Lesson: Deserving Joy
Activity: Finding Purpose and Meaning
Sometimes it’s hard to decide what we would most like to be spending our time doing. Especially when we have absorbed messages from our parents and teachers and other outside influences telling us what we ought to do, it is difficult to hear our own voice reminding us of what we are passionate about. These five questions, adapted from a set written by author Mark Manson, can help you pinpoint some things that light you up, that put a fire in your belly. Scribble, doodle, or write your ideas in a journal or notebook. It may take a day or a week to come up with answers, and they might change over time. That’s OK. The point is to start to think about the things that make you happy and figure out ways to spend more time doing them.
1. What can you stand to do even when it’s hard? The fact is that everything sucks sometimes. However, if you love horses, you’ll tolerate mucking out stalls and conditioning saddles. If skateboarding is your favorite pastime, you’ll practice that ollie flip a million times before you land it once. So think about it, what can you stand to do, even when it sucks?
2. What were your favorite things to do when you were seven or eight years old? Usually, at that age, we had more free time and fewer people telling us what we ought to do more of (practice piano, conjugate Spanish verbs—whatever). What was it that you loved most? Reading comic books? Building with Legos? Sketching or writing goofy songs? Write those things down. If you mourn the loss of them in your life, it might be time to think about ways to fit them back in.
3. What makes you forget to eat and poop? Have you ever been so consumed by a book or video game that you nearly peed your pants? Or have you been painting something or cooking and realized that the entire day has gone by without you eating a thing? Think about the qualities of that activity that make time pass quickly and shut the rest of the world out. Is it the challenge of the video game? The creative process of painting or cooking? The characters in a book? Whatever it is that makes you block out everything else is probably pretty important to you. Try to identify some other activities that would offer you that same intensity.
4. What fantastic ideas do you have that you’re afraid to look silly doing? Worrying about your friends making fun of you is not a good reason NOT to do something that excites you. (Potentially causing harm to yourself or someone else IS.) Many of the best inventions came from someone taking a risk and thinking outside the box. These risk takers didn’t listen to the voices (inside their heads or outside them) that said they couldn’t do this or that, they weren’t smart/savvy/strong enough, or that they had a crazy idea. They leaped knowing that it might fail.
5. If you had to leave your house in the morning and not come back again until after dark no matter what, where would you go and what would you do? This is, after all, what most people with full-time jobs do—leave home every day and not come back until dark, or some version of that. We might as well be doing something we enjoy with all of those hours. Sure, at first you might say you’d spend your time going to the movies or sitting on the beach, but how long would that interest you? What would you REALLY do? Would you go talk to strangers on the street and hear their life stories? Would you help build a neighborhood garden? Would you go to a music studio and jam? What would be awesome to do all day every day for a while?
Lesson: Finding Joy
Activity: Gratitude Practice
Gratitude is something that gets easier the more you do it. Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a challenging time, it’s hard to come up with reasons to feel good, but frankly, that’s the most important time to do it.
Start by writing down things that you’re grateful for in your life on a sheet of paper. You can doodle or scribble them in any way that feels good to you. Sometimes unlocking gratitude requires unlocking creativity, so don’t feel as if you have to stick to writing words on lines. The first few things might seem puny—a soft pillow, a dry place to sleep, a certain friend—but as you write, you might discover that the floodgates open and you are able to think of a long list of things that you are happy to have in your life.
A quick note about gratitude—it doesn’t start with “at least I’m not . . .”. If you’re comparing your life to someone else’s or thinking about all the ways things could be worse, that’s not ultimately going to make you feel good. Gratitude also isn’t a balance sheet—don’t weigh how many “good” things you have in your life against the number or heft of “bad” things. Gratitude should stand on its own.
When you’re done with this exercise, you can tuck the paper away and look at it again. You might try to spend a few minutes every day coming up with a short list of things for which you are grateful, and if you’re feeling stuck, try simplifying. Look around; you might see a computer that prompts gratitude for the ability to connect to important ideas and friends online. You might catch sight of a glass of water on the table and thank goodness for clean water to drink and bathe in, or you may see your sunglasses lying on the counter and smile at the thought of warm sunshine on your back.
Lesson: Connection
Activity: The Rule of Five
The Rule of Five states that the five people you spend the most time with have the most impact on you. There is some scientific evidence that emotions are contagious, so even if you are feeling moody, encountering a person who is acting happy and goofy can start to turn your day around.
Often, especially as teens, we can be chameleons with our friends, taking on some of their personality traits when we hang out with them for a while. Fill out the table with the names and strongest personality traits of the five people you spend the most time with, and note whether your mood or personality changes the more time you spend with them.
Table A.2
Now, write down a short list (five or six things) that you hope describe you and that you want to be known for. Compare your list to the things in the table and determine whether those people help you be the person you want to be.
Lesson: The Three Crowns
Activity: Goal-Setting
We all have goals. Unfortunately, sometimes those goals turn into expectations, and if things don’t go the way we thought or hoped they would, we can get frustrated or disillusioned and want to give up. This activity can help you plan goals that are realistic and set yourself up to be more successful. (Although, failure is often a good thing, too, because it can teach us a lot.)
1. Identify a goal that is important to you, and write it down. (Start with something short term, like getting an A on an essay or making the varsity soccer team or getting that part-time job you want.)
2. Think about why that goal is important to you, and write that down. (What does this goal mean to you? What will it say about you to important people in your life if you accomplish it?)
3. Be honest about what it will take to achieve your goal, and write that down. (Imagine the kinds of things that might get in your way. For example, a family trip this weekend might make it hard to practice enough or read all the research. If you’re a person who tends to procrastinate, be honest with yourself about that.)
4. Determine what constitutes acceptable progress, and write that down. (You may not get an A, but you might get a better grade than you did on your last paper. Can you see that as success, even if you didn’t hit the mark you set? Push yourself toward the original goal, but decide if there is some other way to gauge your progress, too.)
5. Decide what you want to learn from this experience, and write that down. (The destination is important, to be certain, but so is the journey. If you don’t end up achieving your goal, can you find places to do better next time or ways to access other resources that can help in the future?)
Lesson: Finding Meaning
Activity: Living a Life of Intent
Answer the following questions to learn a little bit more about yourself and the way you see the world. This exercise can be a powerful reminder of ways that we can interact with others in a positive, intentional way instead of reverting to our regular habits of reacting to the world as it comes to us.
1. What is the best thing you think has ever happened to you? What did you learn from it?
2. What is the worst thing that has ever happened to you? How long did it last? How long did you think it was going to last? What did you learn from that experience?
3. If you could go back in time three years and visit your younger self, what advice would you give you?
4. What are you most grateful for?
5. What do you think your life will be like in the future? What do you want it to be like?
6. Of all the things you are learning, which ones do you think will be the most helpful when you are an adult?
7. If you were going to be famous, what would you want to be famous for? Why?
8. What is one thing you are really good at or know really well that you can teach others?
Lesson: Comparison as a Form of Self-Judgment
Activity: What Makes You Unique?
It’s pretty common for us, especially as teenagers, to be nervous or worried about how others see us. This happens most often when we are faced with a new situation—starting a new job or school, or some alteration of our regular routine. When that nervousness gets the best of us, we can convince ourselves that we are going to have a horrible day, that everything is going to go wrong (and maybe some things already have—it could be a bad hair day or you spilled something on your sweatshirt with no time to change), and it sets us up for a rough day. This short exercise can give you a way to reset your expectations and attitude before you walk into a new situation.
Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths. When you are relaxed, make a mental list of some things that make you unique and special. Are you generous? Funny? Loving? Clever? Artistic? Musical? When you have a short list in your head, choose your favorite thing, and hold it in your mind. Picture the word itself or find a picture that represents it for you. Does it have a color or a shape? Is it cartoonish or realistic? Once you have a solid picture of it in your head, think of a few ways you show this trait in your life. Take a minute to pat yourself on the back for showing this part of yourself to the world. When you’re ready, open your eyes.
This is a great way to remind yourself of the unique qualities that make you the person you are, and the more you keep those thoughts present in your mind, the more likely you are to exhibit them throughout the day. If you want to, write those unique qualities down on a slip of paper, and then tuck it into your backpack or pocket. It’s a powerful reminder of who you really are, no matter what anyone else thinks.
Lesson: Shame
Activity: Self-Compassion Inventory
This activity is designed to help you be more self-aware of feelings of low self-worth and determine strategies to combat them. Take a few minutes to write your answers to the following questions in a journal or notebook. There is no need to share your responses with anyone unless you want to. In some cases, it can feel really good to hear what other people think about these things because it proves you’re not alone.
1. What triggers self-criticism for you? Do you get upset when you don’t perform as well in school or sports as you want to? Are you hard on yourself about your physical appearance or the quality or quantity of friendships you have? Think about the times when you start to call yourself names or get down on yourself, and see whether there are any patterns. Are there certain people in your life who trigger your own self-criticism?
2. What happens when you start talking negatively to yourself? Can you recognize it as negative self-talk, or do you do it so automatically that you begin to believe it? Does this kind of talk help motivate you to try harder or be something you think other people want you to be? Are you able to talk back to it sometimes? If so, when? Are there some times when it is harder than others?
3. When things get hard in your family or group of friends, who do you take care of first? Second? Where do you rank overall? We are often told (especially girls and women) that helping others before helping ourselves is something to be proud of, that it is selfless and honorable. However, the truth is, if we don’t care for ourselves, we don’t have anything left to care for others when they need us. When people see you taking care of your own needs, they get the message that you think you are important, and they will treat you better. How often do you ignore your own needs in order to help someone else? Can you think about small ways to change that? Can you practice making yourself a priority?
4. How do you talk to yourself when you are feeling upset? Most of us fall into a few categories here; we either judge ourselves (“Seriously? Why is this bugging me? It’s no big deal.”), we avoid the feeling by getting busy or pushing it aside, or we give ourselves a break (“Everyone struggles sometimes. It’s OK if I feel bad right now; I’m only human.”). What do you say to yourself when you get upset? Does it depend on what you’re upset about? How can you work to be more accepting of the way you feel no matter what is going on?
Lesson: Fitting In
Activity: Authentic People and Values
1. Think about some individuals you admire most—people who are strong, courageous, and/or committed to their lives and values. They don’t all have to be people you know in real life. Make a list—it can be two or twenty people.
2. Determine whether there are similarities among the people you’ve listed. There might be a professional athlete and a family member, a CEO and a bus driver, but because you see these individuals as role models, there are probably particular qualities that they all share. (Generally, the people we revere are those who are very clear on what is important to them and what isn’t. Does that feel true for you?)
3. Make a list of your values. Remember that our values can change over time, and that’s OK. It is also OK to value different things; there are no right or wrong answers. If you are having trouble coming up with a list of values, try using these questions to prompt you:
• What are your favorite things to do?
• Who are your favorite people? Why?
• What is your default emotion?
• What things make you terribly angry?
• What things make you terribly sad?
• What things make you incredibly happy?
• What could you do without for the rest of your life?
• What are you most afraid of losing in your life?
Examples of common values: family, service, food, nature, spirituality, health, justice, survival, physical pleasure, art, rest, companionship, peace, competition, community, communication, survival, solving problems, travel, humor, honesty, winning, laughter, music, and so on.
Lesson: Platonic Ideals
Activity: Stories I Tell Myself
We all have stories we tell ourselves that play over and over again in our brains—generally, we do so without even realizing it. Often, those stories are adaptive; they help us do things more quickly, like shortcuts. However, sometimes they can become a crutch and, in the worst cases, they can become ways that we trash ourselves. Do you have friends who say, “I suck at math/history/science”? Is there someone in your family who is known as the goofball or the lazy one?
Very often, it is those narratives that keep us from being able to do some of the things we really want to do. Other times, they excuse us from even trying something challenging or exploring new ideas. The fact is, we are all capable of doing much more than we let ourselves think we are, but we have to recognize the stories that are holding us back before we can decide whether we want to change them.
Look over the sample answers from someone who has always believed that she “sucks at money” to get an idea of how you might answer the questions. You’ll find a blank worksheet to complete on the next page.
Stories I Tell Myself
About: Money
1. That I’m no good at managing it.
2. It is too complicated for me to understand.
3. I’m too old to figure it out now
What is my reaction to this story line?
Ultimately, it means I’m off the hook for even trying. I get to let my husband do it all, worry about it on his own, and I don’t have to be responsible for teaching my kids how to manage money as they grow up. And if I overspend, I can always shrug my shoulders and point to the first three answers and say I warned everyone.
How does this make me feel about myself?
Stupid. Lazy. A little bit guilty.
Does it feel bad enough to warrant a change?
Yes.
How can I change these stories to make my life better?
1. Ask someone who is good with money to teach me.
2. Admit that I’m scared to screw it all up.
3. Remind myself that I’m smart and I can learn anything if I really want to.
4. Find examples of things I found really challenging before that I am pretty good at now.
5. Acknowledge that it will take practice, and I will make mistakes, but the reward is that I get to feel good about myself, and maybe I won’t end up destitute.
What Are the Stories I Tell Myself?
About:
1.
2.
3.
What is my reaction to this story line?
How does this make me feel about myself?
Does it feel bad enough to warrant a change?
Yes/No
How can I change these stories to make my life better?
Lesson: Pressure to Perform
Activity: Shame Progression
Christopher Germer is a clinical psychologist who teaches and practices mindfulness and self-compassion to help combat feelings of shame and worthlessness. He has developed a theory that feelings of shame come as we follow this progression of thoughts:
1. I don’t like this feeling.
2. I wish I didn’t feel like this.
3. I shouldn’t feel like this.
4. I am wrong to feel like this.
5. I am a bad/stupid/worthless person.
Can you recall a situation in your life where you were filled with shame? Write down some details, and see if this progression of thoughts feels accurate to you.
The leap from #2 to #3 is critically important for determining whether we move into shame and worthlessness. Can you identify the assumptions you made in that situation that led you to the belief that you “shouldn’t” have felt the way you did? Write them down.
What does shame feel like?
What does it sound like in your head?
The next time you start down the path of #1 and #2, can you think of things to do or say to yourself that might interrupt the progression?
Lesson: Going It Alone
Activity: Short-Circuit the Anxiety Reaction
Most of us know what anxiety feels like: sweaty palms, racing pulse, queasy stomach. For some of us, that reaction can come out of nowhere and really wind us up until we are almost paralyzed, and when you’re in the middle of it, it is nearly impossible to do anything but react to the physical symptoms. This activity takes advantage of the way our brains are wired to interrupt those feelings and bring us back down to earth, and it’s a valuable one to practice when you’re feeling stressed.
When we are feeling anxious or stressed, it is our amygdala (the part of our brain responsible for the fight/flight/freeze reaction) that has taken over. It can feel really overwhelming, but the good news is that there are some simple ways to short-circuit the increasing nervousness we feel.
Find a small, hand-size object such as an orange or a tennis ball or a rolled-up pair of socks, and pick it up with your left hand. Toss it lightly up into the air to the right, and catch it in your right hand. Now toss it lightly back to the left, and catch it in your left hand. When you’re anxious or having a panic attack, this activates the connections between the two sides of your brain and shifts the blood flow away from the emotional amygdala. Any sort of action that activates the neural pathways between the two hemispheres of the brain can help you calm down, so if you don’t have a tool handy, you can hop from one foot to the other or draw a line with your left hand and then draw one with your right.
Once the physical reactions to stress have calmed down, you can more easily activate the portion of your brain that has rational thought and either deal with the stressor or simply go on with your day.
Lesson: Fear, Wisdom, and Equanimity
Activity: Cracking Up Your Inner Critic
We all have an inner critic; that voice that is always judging us, telling us we aren’t smart enough or pretty enough or popular enough, comparing us to others and reminding us that we have to do better.
• You’re going to fail.
• You always screw this up.
• Nobody really likes you.
• What makes you think you’re so special?
It is really hard to listen to that all the time, and it’s hard to extinguish that voice. The truth is that voice is there for a reason—to keep us safe. It is there to instill caution, but it gets worked up pretty easily, and instead of warning us that a python is hanging from a branch above our heads, it starts to worry that we’ll look ridiculous or say something that will upset others. Once it gets on a roll, it can feel pretty horrible to listen to that voice because it always sees the world as a threat. The trick is to learn how to put it in its place. Here is one way to do that:
The next time that voice starts to echo in your head, play with it. Change it to pig Latin, or give it the voice of Theodore the chipmunk or someone with a horrible accent. Repeat the words in your head, and see how silly they sound. If you have a smartphone, there are some free apps you can download that will change the sound of your voice. Speak the words in your head out loud, playing them back in different ways (such as a robot, helium, mosquito, and choir settings—I dare you not to laugh out loud). The spell can be broken pretty quickly, and once it is, we can take a deep breath and recognize that it is just the chattering of a frightened little mouse instead of our true inner compass.
Keep a “voices in my head” journal, which you will use to chronicle the times when you get down on yourself. This helps you be more aware of the kinds of things you say and, often, writing these things down makes them seem less powerful. See if you can identify patterns (i.e., Does it happen most right before a big test or game? When you are feeling rested, does it happen less?).
Lesson: How We Freak Ourselves Out
Activity: Dealing with Social Anxiety
Imagine a time when you were really frightened or anxious about something—speaking in public or trying out for the varsity sports team or displaying a piece of your artwork—and go through the following steps, writing down your answers to help solidify them in your head.
1. Awareness—Try to remember what the voice inside your head was telling you when you were most afraid. Don’t try to defend yourself or talk back or judge the message; just hear the words as though you were eavesdropping on a conversation at another table. Learning just to observe and not react is a great way to disarm anxiety. Writing those thoughts down can take away some of their power.
2. Flexibility—Ask what you expect of yourself in certain social situations. Do you have to be dressed a certain way, talk a certain way, and/or hang out with a particular group of people? Think about whether you could offer yourself some more options, and think about what that might look like. What might the reactions be? How would you handle them, especially if they resulted in negative self-talk?
3. Choice—Practice choosing other options. Take baby steps if you have to, but gradually widen your scope so that you don’t have to adhere to only one narrow set of guidelines for how to be. See what that feels like.
4. Keep going—Fake it ’til you feel it. Even if you don’t have the confidence to keep trying it, if you know your goal is to have more freedom to be who you are, then the more you do it, the easier it will become.
5. Talk about it—If you have close, trusted friends or family members, talk about what you’re doing. Get support, and let them know that you’re doing this really hard thing but that you’re committed to being more comfortable with yourself. Remember that lots of times, you’ll inspire someone else to try it or give them enough courage to do it too.
Lesson: The Power of Story
Activity: Calming Physical Reactions to Anxiety
Because our brains and bodies are so connected, when we get stressed or anxious, we have physical reactions to those thoughts. Taking a few minutes to pay attention to what is happening in our bodies has the effect of stopping the train of thought that is making us uncomfortable, and it allows us to take control of the physical symptoms and reverse them.
Recall a time when you were feeling overwhelmed by fear or stress and go through the following steps, writing comments on a sheet of paper or in a journal.
1. Name the feeling (e.g., “I am afraid/nervous/scared/stressed”).
2. Notice where the feeling affects you physically (Heart racing? Palms sweaty? Stomach in knots?).
3. Breathe in deeply for a count of five, hold it for a count of one, and exhale for a count of five. Repeat this four times and then notice if the physical symptoms have changed at all.
4. Identify exactly what you are worried about (e.g., “I am afraid that I will look like an idiot and everyone will make fun of me”).
5. Draw a picture of your fear or stress. What color is it? How big is it? What shape does it have?
6. Put the picture on the other side of the room from you and look at it. Move it around. Turn it upside down. Does it feel different now that the fear is outside of you?
7. Do something with that picture. Can you fold it up and recycle it? Crumple it up and shoot baskets with it? Tear it into little pieces? Turn it into something else by adding to it?
8. Take a minute to reflect on your physical reaction now. How do you feel?
Lesson: Rewiring the Brain to Chill
Activity: Relaxation Strategies
Anxiety can become a habit that is difficult to break. Once we set a pattern of second-guessing ourselves, we often tend to stress out about future events as well, and that starts a vicious cycle where we are constantly looking out for potentially disastrous situations. If you ever find yourself lying awake or beginning to panic about something going on in your head, try one of these relaxation strategies:
1. “Fishing Net” brain—Try to see your brain as a big fishing net, the kind that they use to haul enormous fish into a charter boat. Is it tightly woven so that even tiny fish and small bits of seaweed get caught in the net? This is your brain when it is extremely anxious. Do your best to relax the net and allow the strands to pull farther apart so that the little things slip through. As you relax the net, let go of tension in your face and neck as well. Those small things that slip through decrease the weight on you as well.
2. Find a scrap of paper and a pen or pencil, and write down exactly what you’re thinking about. Determine if it is something in the past or something in the future. Then remember that you are here in the present, right now, and that is the only place you can be. Let your past or future worry drop. You can’t change the past, and you can’t predict the future.
3. Look at the cartoon drawing of the dog barking at the door. Create thought bubbles for each of the people at the door. Realize that even though they are both seeing the same thing, they are having very different reactions to it, and remember that the stories we tell ourselves have the power to determine how we react to everything in our lives. See if you can change your perspective on the situation that is making you anxious. Can you be the person smiling at the dog?
Figure A.2 Greeting or Warning? Source: Created by Lauren O’Driscoll.
General Class Discussion or Journaling Activity
Pick a quote associated with a particular lesson, and encourage students to discuss their perspective on it or journal their thoughts and interpretations of it.
Blindfolded Movement
Students can do this in class or try it at home. It is safest to do this with at least one other person around who isn’t blindfolded. If they do it at home, it is best to choose an activity that they are very familiar with, such as brushing their teeth before bed or folding their laundry and putting it away. If they do it in school, make sure it is something they do nearly every day without even thinking, such as making their way from the classroom door to their desk or getting their jacket and backpack out of an already open locker and putting them on.
Have the student put on a blindfold and make sure they can’t see anything. Ask them to perform the identified task and make sure that all other folks in the area are as quiet as possible. Ask the student to notice how much more slowly and deliberately they are moving. Ask them to notice how much more they pay attention to other things such as their hands and feet and the sounds around them.
Not knowing what to do or what to expect forces us to pay attention. As soon as we think we know where we are, we stop paying attention. Ask the student (and the bystanders) if they can recall a time when they walked to school or the corner store and by the time they got there they couldn’t actually remember the walk. Our minds are so powerful and used to analyzing everything and jumping ahead that we don’t always pay attention to what we are doing unless we are confused or a little bit afraid.
Remembering this activity can prompt students to be mindful of other routine activities they perform. When we practice mindfulness in small, everyday ways, we are exercising the portion of our brain that makes conscious choices and remains curious about the world around us. Those things come in handy when we are faced with conflict or uncertainty.
Walking Meditation
Have students line up single file outside. This can take place on school/community center property or in a natural setting nearby. The rules of the walk are as follows:
• No speaking
• No touching another person
• No music
The goal is to have students pay attention to sounds, smells, and sights as they walk. They are encouraged to breathe deeply, listen to the sound of their feet on different surfaces and the cars or birds or other noises around them, touch things along the path such as plants or fences or walls, and really experience the different sensations that they don’t normally attend to.
The leader should walk at a slower pace than normal, and the space between students in line ought to allow for comfortable personal space. The walk can last as few as five minutes or as many as twenty (this feels like a long time for most students when there is no talking or music) followed by a discussion to share observations. Some may have felt uncomfortable; others may have noticed things they never did before.
Alternative Forms of Communication
This activity is to be done in class. Divide students into pairs, and have them sit facing each other. One student is to tell the other one a short story—it can be true or made up, funny or shocking, or even fairly mundane—while the other student listens, and does their best not to react at all. The listening student should be told (separately from their partner so they can’t hear the instructions) not to move or talk or even adopt any facial expressions. They should keep their face and body entirely neutral throughout the story as much as possible. When everyone is finished, have the class discuss what that may have felt like to both the speaker and the listener.
• How hard was it to not react?
• How hard was it to not get a reaction?
• What does that tell us about all of the ways we communicate with each other using nonverbal tactics?
• Does this have implications for texting or email or phone calls or other not-in-person interactions?
Listening as a Skill
Ask students to raise their hand to indicate whether they’ve ever had an adult tell them to “listen.”
Now ask them to keep their hand raised if they’ve ever had an adult teach them how to “listen.”
Ask students to raise their hand to indicate whether they’ve ever had an adult tell them to “pay attention.”
Follow up by asking them to keep their hands raised if they have ever been taught how to “pay attention.”
Ask students to pair off, and designate one person as the speaker and the other one as the listener. The speaker tells a short story, and the listener does their best to pay attention and listen. When the story is over, have the speaking student write down whether they felt as though the listener was truly listening to them and paying attention and why. What cues did they use to determine this? Have the listening student write down whether they were truly listening and paying attention and list the things they did to indicate that to the speaker.
Ask students to share their responses and see if they can decide what it means to really listen and pay attention to someone else. Does it vary from person to person?
The Disagreement Vacation
This activity is designed to show us how habitual it is for us to disagree with others or feel the need to make our perspective known. Students should pick one person in their life that they are close to—a best friend or sibling or parent—and attempt to go one entire day without disagreeing (aloud) with anything that person says or does. It’s important that they don’t let the other person know that they are doing this, however.
Have them keep notes, noticing how often their instinct is to rebut that person’s statement or explain why their idea is better. Can they hear the voice in their head saying, “That’s not true,” and they have to keep from saying it? How often does it happen in any given day? What is their body’s response to this exercise? Throughout the day, does it get easier or harder to do? Are they storing up arguments to use the next day when they can “finally” disagree again, or are they learning that it doesn’t really matter? Ask them to report on the quality of their interactions with the other person when they aren’t disagreeing with them.
It’s true that one hallmark of a good relationship is the ability to hold different viewpoints and maintain a strong connection, but many of our interactions with other people are more about making ourselves heard than they are about learning and exploring new ideas. Hopefully, this exercise will help students learn to discern when it is important to share our perspective and when it doesn’t matter.
Self-Critique Worksheet
The next flow chart/worksheet was designed to help adolescents think more deeply about the qualities they have that make them unhappy. Often, many of the assumptions we make about ourselves are things that we take for granted, but when we can look at them more critically, we realize that they fall into one of two categories: either we have no control over them, or we think we can’t change them (or that it is too hard to change them). Having students work their way through this exercise can give them some insight into how they face the troubling narratives they’ve created about themselves and offer them either acceptance or the power to make a difference in their own lives.
Understanding Your Temperament
Have you ever noticed that you have some friends who rarely get upset and others who get mad super easy? You probably know some people who are really adventurous and those who prefer routine and caution. Some people you hang out with are more intense, while some are pretty mellow and chill, goofy folks and more serious folks, introverts and extroverts.
While we can all exhibit some of these personality traits from time to time depending on circumstances, we all tend to have an underlying temperament or default setting to who we are. Maybe people who knew you as a child told stories about how inquisitive you were or how you’d try anything to get a laugh. Can you identify your individual nature or temperament?
Figure A.3 Self-Critique Worksheet.
Knowing how you naturally react to the world around you can be a great help as you advocate for yourself in different situations. For example, if you know that you tend to be easily distracted, you can ask for a quiet area to work on a project. If you tend to be physically cautious, you can opt out of a group activity that might feel really overwhelming to you—like riding dirt bikes on the sand dunes. The more you understand your own personal preferences, the more you can ask for what you need. Answer the following questions to explore your temperament:
1. Are you more likely to want to know the rules of a game ahead of time, or would you rather learn as you go?
2. Are you a daydreamer or someone who focuses on what’s in front of you?
3. Are you someone who is more likely to work alone, or do you prefer working in groups?
4. Do you often consider the big picture, or are you more concerned with details?
5. Do you feel more comfortable making big decisions after consulting your emotions, or are you more likely to put aside your feelings and try to decide with pure logic?
6. Are you more driven by fear or anticipation?
7. Would you rather spend a day off quietly reading or engaging in something creative or in the middle of a group of friends doing something together?
8. Do you express your feelings easily and often, or are you more likely to keep your emotions to yourself?
9. Are you the first person to offer an answer to someone’s question, or do you have to be prodded to give your perspective?
10. How quickly do you process information? Are you someone who continues to have revelations about something you learned (or someone said) for days afterward or do you move on pretty quickly and let things go—especially if you didn’t understand it right away?