Every classroom has its own rules, and some portion of the first meeting should be spent talking about them with students. Here are two sets of overlapping rules you can copy, borrow, and adapt for your own purposes. The House Rules were adapted from The Rules of Cooperation from L’Arche Portland, a faith-based organization whose mission involves supporting individuals with intellectual disabilities. To reflect a positive mindset, they’ve been altered slightly.
1. Abundance—There is enough of what we all need if we cooperate.
2. Equal Rights—Your rights as a person are equal to mine, and we all have an equal responsibility to cooperate.
3. Power Is Not a Tool Used Here—Displays of physical power (hitting, slamming doors, etc.), threats, and passive-aggressive behavior (withdrawing, staying angry, refusing to talk, etc.) are not part of a cooperative environment. Anything that is designed to shut down conversation is counterproductive to our purposes.
4. No Rescues—If the thought of doing something for you makes me angry or resentful, I will not do it. If I think you’re capable or simply avoiding it and I am compelled to “save” you, doing so will not further our work here.
5. No Secrets—Especially when I am feeling angry, afraid, or vulnerable, I will share my feelings knowing that I don’t have to justify or defend them. This is a safe space for all of us.
The other set of guidelines was developed to ensure that there is ample space for everyone’s voice and perspective.
Rules for Difficult Conversations
• Everyone at the table is here because they want to be (not because they are forced to be or have been guilted into it).
• Everyone has the same rights—we are all equals, and we all deserve to be heard and our perspectives respected.
• Even if we can’t understand someone else’s point of view or feelings, we respect their right to have them, and we all agree not to belittle anyone because of it.
• No name-calling.
• No ultimatums.
• No demands.
• No hate speech.
• We all agree to work our hardest to define a common goal and work toward it. Bringing up past resentments is not OK because it derails the conversation.
• No eye-rolling or turning away or other negative body language.
• If someone decides they can’t be part of the conversation right now for any reason, they are allowed to leave, but they agree to be part of a future conversation designed to resolve any outstanding issues.
• Everyone agrees to own their part of the conversation and take responsibility for words or actions that might have caused others pain or frustration. There are multiple sides to every conflict. Nobody is ever all right or all wrong.
• Blaming and shaming, labeling others or ourselves, and using words like always and never will not move us forward and should be avoided.
Classroom Norms
It is not necessary for educators to have a personal mindfulness practice in order to do this work, nor does one have to be well versed in the basics of nonviolent communication. You should, however, be willing and able to curb your own opinion, place a higher value on student discussion than solutions or consensus, and be able to keep order without threats of punishment or using tactics such as shame or blame.
Sometimes, calling a student out in front of their peers seems unavoidable, but here are a few reasons why it’s counterproductive:
1. There are few things worse to an adolescent than being seen as inferior to their classmates. During this time of increased social awareness, teens desperately want to be regarded positively by peers. Being part of a tribe is on par with basic survival to most adolescents, and when they are shamed publicly, many find it incredibly difficult to recover from it. If a trusted adult is the one doing the shaming, the likelihood of a positive relationship surviving that is very low. This classroom needs to feel like a safe space, and it won’t if the adult in charge is not trusted.
2. Strong emotions interfere with our ability to hear and listen. The higher our emotional intensity, the less we are able to process language accurately. When we are embarrassed, ashamed, or angry, the portions of our brain that are responsible for listening and learning are circumvented or muted.
3. The more self-critical we are, the more self-absorbed we are. While it’s true that most teachers are motivated by helping students become better, if we fail to acknowledge a student’s positive attributes, we are contributing to their isolation. Starting with a student’s strengths and encouraging them to build on those things can help them become more internally motivated to improve. When someone points out what we’ve done wrong, we tend to focus on all of the other ways we don’t measure up and, in turn, close down instead of forging alliances and finding support.
4. Teens need adult-teen relationships they can trust. To get the most out of their classes, teens and teachers need to cooperate and collaborate; however, if a teen doesn’t trust their teacher or has formed a negative opinion of them, they will be more likely to give themselves permission to stop listening. Often, teachers sense this disdain and continue to push or call out these students, and this ultimately ends up making things worse.
Meeting teens where they are is incredibly important. Recognizing that they are highly susceptible to emotions—even if they don’t show it—and planning our interactions with that in mind can make working with a struggling student much easier. Start with the positives, ask them where they could have used more support, and work together to make a plan. Approaching students with respect and setting aside our assumptions helps them get the most out of their education, and they need to be part of the process. The more they understand our wish for them to succeed, the more they will trust us.
Final Notes on the Curriculum
Discussion
Ideally, every student will choose to engage in conversation with the group over time. Some students will be harder to draw out, and it’s important that nobody feels forced to talk or be vulnerable. Because of each student’s unique background, there may be some students in the class who struggle with some of the concepts. The goal isn’t to have everyone agree or even talk enthusiastically—it is to have them practice engaging with peers around difficult topics.
Discussions can go above and beyond the time allotted, or they may be short and sweet—it depends entirely on the group and the students’ interest and willingness to engage. Feel free to move along, ask students if they have ideas related to the topic that might extend conversations, or keep the discussion going for a subsequent meeting if students have a lot to say.
Activities
One effective way to keep students reflecting on the material between class periods is to give everyone a journal. This is also a great way to have those students who don’t feel comfortable sharing in class explore the concepts on their own. There is no need to have students turn their journals in or show them to anyone.
There are a few activities throughout the curriculum that specifically ask students to journal about something, and if they decide they’d like to share their ideas with the class, they are more than welcome to do so.
Appendix A at the back of this book contains additional activities that can be used at any time.
Meditations
Students are invited to join the meditation but are not required to do so. Those who have suffered trauma may feel uncomfortable sitting in a room quietly with their eyes closed. There are recordings of the meditations accessible online should they want to try on their own at some point.
When reading the meditation to students, it is important to speak slowly and clearly and pause often to give students time to reflect and to practice sitting quietly and to quiet their minds. Each meditation should last approximately five minutes in total.
Final Thoughts
It is of the utmost importance that students understand that it’s safe to engage in honest discussions around this material. There are no right or wrong answers, no judgment, and no winners or losers. The purpose of this curriculum is to give students opportunities to become emotionally savvy, develop self-awareness, and create strong relationships with themselves and their peers. It can take time for students to feel comfortable enough to open up, but if the facilitator is consistent in maintaining an open, compassionate dialogue among the participants, it will happen.