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When you’re depressed, feelings of motivation, excitement, and the ability to work in a timely manner are often nonexistent. Yet you still have deadlines and obligations to meet. You might feel very alone and overwhelmed when you think of all you have to get done. This can be quite a detriment to getting going, especially in the morning.
Trying to take care of this alone can be very difficult. That’s what friends are for!
It can help to work with a friend who does have the energy, excitement, and productivity you lack. Maybe you have a positive friend who wants to help you but doesn’t really know how. Now’s the time to ask him or her to work with you on a specific project. Another person’s positive energy can help immensely when you’re down.
It’s best if you work on a plan with a friend when you’re not depressed so your friend can take action when you start to have trouble. A friend can help you set time limits that feel impossible to stick to when you’re depressed. A friend can offer hope when you have none. Most importantly, a friend can help you become more productive when getting things done feels impossible.
Consider these benefits of working with a friend:
Friends often want to help but aren’t sure what to do. When you ask them for something specific, they might feel that they’re making a difference in your life.
Lisa’s Story
I’m a teacher, and I often have to write lesson plans. It’s rotten to try to do this on a depressed day. I have a fellow teacher I really like, and we sit down and do our work together. She’s not depressed, so I follow her example and work as hard as she does. It helps that I have to be there because we made a time to meet with each other. We go to a coffee shop that has big tables. I put on my headphones and feel so much better just seeing her across from me. I model her behavior, and my lesson plans get finished without such a terrible struggle.
My Story
I simply hate writing alone when I’m depressed. It’s a necessary evil, of course, but I don’t like it. I have trouble getting started and often leave my workspace early because of a lack of mental and physical comfort. When I leave early, I actually get more depressed because I know I’m not meeting my obligations. I often just wander around anyway. I’m so easily distracted when I am not accountable to anyone. I know this about myself, and I’m finally learning to accept it. I need supervision! I need to know that I have to be somewhere at a certain time because someone else is depending on me.
What I do now:
Social Media and Technology
Nothing feels worse when you’re depressed than staying in one place and losing hours, days, weeks, and months to the internet. You know the future will be bleak if it continues. Humans need real connections that sustain stability. Call a friend and meet up to work, no matter how bad you’re feeling right now. Simply be in the same space and work together. Being online with strangers might feel like you’re interacting and getting something done, but it’s empty. There is no one who actually knows you in the comments section! Think of a work project you have trouble facing because of depression and ask a friend to meet you for coffee to work on this project together. If you have been isolating and friends are hard to come by at the moment, that is okay. The present doesn’t have to be your future. This is when you use the internet to your benefit. Find a group near your home where writers, self-employed workers, artisans, and people who just want to work near others can get together and do a project. These groups usually work for a period of time and then take a break to socialize. It’s the structure a depressed brain needs! Human contact is healing.
Script
I love it when you ask me to sit at a coffee shop or go to a place together where we can work on the administrative tasks of life. Paying bills. Looking at our bank accounts. Figuring out a plan for the week. Going over calendars. For you, this is easy stuff. For me, it’s like putting together a puzzle that’s all one color. It’s awful. But for some reason, sitting with you while you do your own work helps me. It’s even more helpful if you do the work with me. Maybe you can sign in to the app where I have to pay bills. You can organize whatever papers I have. You can help in so many ways that will seem small to you but are enormous to me. This is not enabling. It is helping me get tasks done that feel like climbing Mt. Everest when I’m sick.
Exercise
What projects do you need to finish, and who can you work with to finish them? Look at the following examples and think of who you could work with:
Cleaning my house: Mother.
Hanging pictures: Sister-in-law.
Writing: Roommate.
E-mail: Anyone who can just sit with me and do their own work.
Paying bills: Business partner.
Finishing a work project: A coworker who has the same goals or a group that organizes online and later meets in a public space.
You get the idea. Think of your projects and who you can work with to get them done.
| Project | Person |
|---|---|
| ______________________________________ | ___________________________________________ |
| ______________________________________ | ___________________________________________ |
| ______________________________________ | ___________________________________________ |
| ______________________________________ | ___________________________________________ |
ASK DR. PRESTON
Question
Can a depressed person feed off the energy of a nondepressed person?
Answer
You’ll have more success getting started and finishing projects when you’re depressed if you have a buddy or coach to check in with. For example, let your partner know in the morning what you plan to do that day, and then talk about it together that night. Working with a friend helps keep you focused on a project or conversation, and that helps keep you from focusing on your negative self-talk. Plus, human contact has always been shown to promote better physical and emotional health. What’s more, energy begets energy, and just moving generates increases in serotonin levels and an improved mood.
There’s no reason to go it alone when you’re depressed. Just taking the first step of talking with a friend about what you need can immediately improve your mood. Your friends and loved ones care about you and want to see you succeed. Use their energy to get started and keep going, even when you feel you don’t have the energy to do anything.
For example, here are some suggestions for effectively working with a friend:
Have your friend drop you off and pick you up from a work location. This can be a very successful tool for those who have a hard time focusing and are easily distracted while working. Depending on the kind of work you have to do, not being able to leave can be a real impetus for you to work. Getting a friend to drop you off often works because you know when the person will be back and how long you have to work.
Have a friendly co-worker keep you motivated. Some people respond very well to orders from others and aggressive deadlines. These are the people who find it difficult to work alone or to set their own schedules. If you’re one of these people, finding a way to get a work friend to set your schedule and hold you to it might help. There’s nothing wrong with being a more passive person when it comes to tasks. Not everyone can jump in and take charge. You might need incentive and hand-holding. A coworker can do this if you’re very clear on what you need.
Put yourself in a collaborative situation. Working with a group of friends can significantly increase your chances of finishing projects. This is one reason why study groups at school are so effective. If you’re a mother or father with young children, join a play group. If you want to exercise more, join a team. This can certainly be hard when you’re down and don’t want to be with people, but you have to do it! You might not know anyone in the group when you start, but there’s a good chance you’ll make new friends while they help you get things done.
Find an organized friend to help you manage your bills. Paying bills can be one of the most difficult tasks you face when you’re depressed. So many feelings can come up when you have to deal with money, and the actual logistics of the work can feel very overwhelming. Ask someone to set up online bill paying for you. It’s ok to need help with this technology. The depressed brain isn’t always great with numbers and dates. Be nice to yourself and let others help you.
Remember: The energy and expectations of a nondepressed friend are very powerful. You can tap into this energy when you work together.