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Depression can make even the most mundane tasks feel impossible. It makes sense that doing a focused job at work when you’re depressed would be difficult, but why is making dinner so hard? Why is it so difficult to hang up your clothes or get gas in the car?
Depression can take away your ability to do even the simplest of tasks. No matter how many strategies you use in this book, there will be some days when you simply can’t get all the little stuff done.
If you’re usually able to do the little stuff with ease, it might be a shock to see how depression can totally take away this ability. You might start to feel like a burden if you can’t fulfill your normal duties, and that can lead to the feeling that you’re a failure simply because it’s so hard for you to do the things others do with ease. This is when you need to ask the people in your life to take over and do the little stuff for you.
There’s a difference between asking someone for help with a task, which implies a form of collaboration, and simply saying, “Please do this for me.” Asking someone to actually do things, such as making a lunch, cleaning a room, or organizing a bookshelf, makes sense. If you simply aren’t able to do what you have to do, getting someone else involved who can accomplish the tasks with ease is a good idea. Why put the added pressure of the little stuff on yourself when someone else can do it for you?
Look around you. Do you see any of the following signs that you would benefit from letting someone do the little stuff?
Depression will tell you that this should all be easy! When you can tell it’s not going to be easy at all, it is time to ask for help.
Pat’s Story
I have a 1969 Mustang that usually gives me a lot of pleasure. I’ve been restoring it for over a year. The engine is done, but the body needs a lot of work. When I got depressed last year after a layoff, my car no longer looked interesting to me. I didn’t want to touch it. It seemed like an obstacle in my garage and only made me feel worse when I looked at it, as though it was saying, “Failure, failure, failure.”
But there was a spark in me, even in the worst times, that said, “If you just go out there and do the work, you’ll feel better.” My roommate would say, “God, Pat! Get out there and work on your car!” But I couldn’t do it. This lasted for almost six months. My Dad kept talking to me about it, but I blew him off.
Then one day, I had an idea. I called my Dad and said, “Would you come and take out the car and wash it, check the oil, and drive it?” He did. The car looked more friendly after that. He then started coming over once a week. For the next few months, we worked on the body together, and now I’m back to having fun with my car. I had to ask him to just do everything for me at first. I needed a model of “normal” behavior.
My Story
Depending on the seriousness of my depression, there are certain things I can and can’t do in my life. When I get really depressed, I completely stop cooking. It’s just too much effort. I used to really get upset at myself about this. I’ve left clean dishes in the dishwasher for weeks now, even though I need to use them. I have clothes on the floor of my room. I have beautiful roses in my yard that I would love to have in my house, but I don’t have the energy to cut them. This stuff happens when I’m quite depressed. I can take care of all this stuff when I’m moderately or mildly depressed, but there are just some times in my life when I need people to do things for me.
What I do now:
Social Media and Technology
What if you find technology overwhelming and confusing? Depression can make this even harder. You might feel the urge to reject what is out there because of the anxiety of trying to learn something new. Let’s not take it for granted that you should be able to tackle technology with ease. It’s okay to need help with the basics. Don’t let depression get in the way of the fabulous technology that can truly help depression! Ask for help if it overwhelms you. Get someone to set up a computer or teach you to use a new phone. Forget about comparing yourself to others who seem to have it all together online. To be honest, others don’t concern you. Focus on yourself and your needs.
Who can help you right now to set up a device that will change your life? Maybe you need bigger font or help with hearing videos. If depression tells you that you’re not smart enough for technology—don’t listen. Check a library for free resources and simply be honest with yourself. You are new to all of this and want to learn! Find anyone you can think of to show you how to use tech. Then, when you are a pro, you can help others who are also struggling to catch up.
Script
Depression is really odd. Sometimes, I can go out to karaoke and be with my friends, but the thought of opening my email and answering it sends me into despair. I can take a walk with someone, but when it comes to cleaning up the floor of my room, I can start crying in frustration. Depression doesn’t make sense, and it helps a lot if you know this. When you do the little stuff for me—the stuff that you would think I’d be able to do because it’s so small—you truly are helping me manage depression. Cleaning is one of my biggest issues. I’m not trying to be lazy. It’s simply so overwhelming. Most people don’t understand that the act of doing dishes or cleaning up a room involves hundreds of individual thoughts and behaviors that so many people do naturally. When we’re depressed, the natural ability is taken away, and all we see are the 50 steps to load the dishwasher. I promise to only ask for help with the little things when I honestly can’t do them on my own.
Exercise
List five little tasks that are currently on your mind and that you need to get done but don’t because you feel too depressed to do them. Then write who can do them.
| The Little Nagging Tasks | Who Will Do Them? |
|---|---|
| _________________________________________ | _________________________________________ |
| _________________________________________ | _________________________________________ |
| _________________________________________ | _________________________________________ |
| _________________________________________ | _________________________________________ |
| _________________________________________ | _________________________________________ |
Afraid to ask for help? Don’t be; all you can get is a “no.” And that’s not rejection, just reality. You’ll probably find that people will say yes because it makes them feel helpful and wanted. Just be honest. Say, “I can’t do this. I need you to do this until it’s done.” When your mood is better, you can reciprocate.
ASK DR. PRESTON
Question
Why is it so hard to accept help from others when you’re depressed?
Answer
Depression is a struggle against feeling completely powerless, so you might not ask for help because you don’t want to feel like you’re powerless or to appear that way to others.
And depression seems to reignite old emotional issues, such as being shamed or remembering a “you need to stand on your own two feet” message from your parents. It might be that you hear an old message, such as “you are incompetent,” which could make it even more difficult to ask for help.
Asking for help might open an inner door that’s full of sealed-off longings for others to take care of you. These longings can develop for many reasons. Many people had to grow up too fast and learn how to be autonomous before they were ready. Sometimes, kids had to be a parent to their own parents. If you experienced this, it’s normal that you would hold on to the “I’m completely self-reliant” persona. If that’s the case, asking for help doesn’t fit your self-image, but it might touch on deeply buried longings to be taken care of by someone else.
Or you might feel embarrassed to have others see your home or apartment because you haven’t been able to keep it clean when you’re depressed.
Asking for help and letting others help you with the small things is a positive and effective way for you to get the space and time you need to do the big things. There’s no reason you have to do everything. When you’re depressed, it’s often the everyday things that get in your way. When you ask someone to do these small things, you can feel better knowing that they aren’t hanging over you and pointing out what feels like failure.
Here are some ways to ask for help:
When you’re feeling better, you can return the favor.
Remember: The people who care about you want to help you. When you’re too depressed to get things done, swallow your pride and ask them to do what you can’t.