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A nondepressed person might take on too much and get stressed and overwhelmed if they say yes too often. As a person with depression, saying “yes” can have even more serious consequences. For one thing, saying “yes” when you need to say “no” is a surefire way to increase your depression. And not only will you have added to your workload, but you might also get down on yourself for not being strong enough to say “no” when you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do.
Depression is not very nice. It either says you don’t do enough or that what you do is no good. This can lead to a lot of saying “yes” in order to please others. Depression can also take away your reasoning ability. When you’re depressed, you probably have trouble asking, “Do I have the time and energy to do this project?”
Think of saying “no” more often. At first, you might feel a lot of guilt as soon as you say “no.” Often, the worry of how others react can increase this guilt. When you’re depressed and you say “yes” because of pressure from others or simply out of habit, you add more stress to your life. This basically guarantees that your down mood will last longer than if you had honored your own needs.
Read the following dialog. If it sounds like you, you need to learn how to say “no.”
Michael’s Story
Betsy and Michael meet in the hall of their small advertising firm:
Betsy: Hi, Michael. Do you have a minute? It’s time for the holiday party. You’re so great at planning things, and I loved what you did last year! It would be great if you would take care of the food again.
While Betsy is talking, Michael remembers that for the past two years, “taking care” of the food required an enormous amount of work. He missed out on the fun and felt resentful and unhappy the entire time because people kept coming up to him for help.
Michael: Thanks, Betsy, but I really don’t think I can do that this year. I’m sure someone else would like to do it. [He’s being his nice, normal, meek self. He doesn’t want to make waves.]
Betsy: I’ve asked people and they keep saying they loved what you did and that you should do it again! [Obviously, the people Betsy talked to know how to say “no.”]
Michael: It was a lot of work last year, and I felt a bit overwhelmed. I have a lot to do in the office this week. A client is expecting something by next Friday. [He’s still giving her a way to convince him he can do his work and help out as well.]
Betsy: Oh, come on, Mike, you did a great job! I promise I’ll be there to help you. It’s just the food. Other people are doing the games and stuff. It’s going to be less stuff this year.
Michael: [Feeling very pressured and guilty. He can hear a voice in his head say, “Just do it, Michael. Why do you worry about things so much?”] All right, how many people will be there?
My Story
A friend of mine asked me to make jewelry for her wedding last summer. She offered to pay and made it clear it was fine for me to say “no.” Of course I said “yes.” Then she came over to describe what she wanted and that it was for six people! I started to feel resentment. Once I got started, I hated every minute of making that jewelry. I said to myself, “What were you thinking? People are always taking advantage of you. This is a waste of your time. It’s ridiculous how you let people walk on you.”
Of course, this was all untrue. She by no means walked on me. She offered to pay. I’m the one who said, “Oh, don’t worry, just pay for my supplies!” Dumb! I remember sitting there with my silver chain and crystals and just seething. The stress started to get to me, and I got really negative every time I looked at my work. And it was all because I didn’t really think about things and say “no.”
What I do now:
Social Media and Technology
Taking work home or working after hours simply because technology is so convenient can alter your ability to manage your mood. Your brain needs a break, and you need a break. Twenty-four-hour accessibility is a new concept in the working world. Before the advent of screens, you were able to go home and know that the only way work could contact you was via phone. Now, you’re just one email or a quick text away from work, and you feel the pull of answering immediately.
Do you need to say “no” to constant communication from your work? Perhaps you are the one asking others to respond to work-related things during non-work hours. The world changes so quickly now, and the desire to update all work immediately is strong. This is a decision about your health. If being on call 24 hours a day simply because it’s convenient is not working for your brain, tell others that you will be available during work hours and not after. Saying “no” is difficult. Stopping yourself from behavior that others might not like is difficult. But it is possible.
Script
I know I’m all over the place when I’m depressed. You might see me say “yes” to things that you know I absolutely can’t do. Or you might notice that I say “no” to everything and start to isolate myself. I’m teaching myself to say “yes” and “no” in an appropriate way. I say “yes” if I actually have the time for something, and I say “yes” if my reason for saying “no” is to isolate. Regarding saying “no,” I need help saying it to things I could do if I have more time or were not depressed, and I need help with the guilt of saying “no.” At the same time, I need you to remind me that saying “no” simply to stay home and eat a whole pizza by myself is not the answer I need to give! Please help me examine the way that I use “no.” Talk to me about it in a way that puts depression in the forefront and not the decision itself. Am I saying “no” because I’m depressed? Or I am I saying “no “to manage depression in an appropriate way? You really can help my scattered brain come to good conclusions.
Exercise
List five things you can say “no” to right now. Write down the thoughts you have when you make these decisions and how you will say “no.” Here’s an example:
Situation: A coworker wants me to play a round of golf with his client on my day off.
Thoughts: This is one of my closest friends. How can I let him down? I have to say “yes” for our business as well. But I just don’t feel up to it this weekend. I need time to myself. My work has been suffering lately because I’ve been so down. I’m finally feeling better, and I need to catch up.
How I can say “no”: “I understand that you want me to do this. Normally, I’d say “yes,” but I have to get work done this weekend. I feel behind. I’ll take a rain check.”
Now, it’s your turn:
Situation:
Why I want and need to say “no”:
How I will say it:
Feelings and thoughts that will come up and what I can do about them:
ASK DR. PRESTON
Question
Why do depressed people have trouble saying “no,” sticking up for themselves, or knowing how they can realistically take care of themselves?
Answer
Thinking in complex ways is harder to do when a person is depressed. In other words, making choices, even relatively simple ones like where to eat out, can feel overwhelming. So, they just say “yes” and then dislike their choice. Plus, low self-esteem leaves the person with feelings of self-doubt. This means a person says “yes” to get the situation resolved. The problem is that they don’t focus on the consequences of saying “yes.”
Do you always say “yes” all the time to please people? Or maybe it just feels easier to say “yes” so the other person will leave you alone. Does your family make you feel guilty when you say “no?” Are you of the martyr persuasion? No matter what the cause, you have to say “no” if you want to get your own things done when you’re depressed. You owe it to your health and your productivity.
Let’s look at how Michael says “no”:
[Betsy and Michael meet in the hall.]
Betsy: I’ve put you down for the food position. You are so great at planning things. The office party is going to be really fun this year. It would be great if you would take care of the food like you did last year. You did a great job.
Michael: Thanks for the offer. I’ve decided to just enjoy the party this year. I’m sure there’s someone who likes to do this kind of thing.
Betsy: I’ve asked people, and they keep saying that they loved what you did and that you should do it again!
Michael: Thanks for the compliment! People are so nice. [He turns just enough so that she can see he is about to walk away.] It’s so great that you’re putting this together this year. I think it will be a lot of fun. [And he’s out the door!]
That’s one way to say “no.” Here are some others:
Remember: It’s easier to take a few minutes to say “no” than it is to worry over, obsess over, and then get depressed because of a “yes” you didn’t want to say. Practice: No thank you. No, that’s nice of you. No, I can’t. No, no, no, and again … no.