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Avoid Isolation

One of the problems with depression is that the symptoms created by the illness are often cured by the opposite behavior. This is especially true with the isolation created by depression. Depression-induced isolation often leads to loneliness and the belief that you’ll be this way forever, no matter how many people you have in your life.

Getting things done is not always a solitary process, and the more you isolate yourself, the less chance you have of finishing projects, especially those you need outside help with. Serious isolation can range from staying in bed all day to avoiding all your family and work obligations.

Being Alone Is Not Always a Good Thing

If depression makes you just want to go into a room and be left alone, you have to seriously think about how this is affecting your productive life. Just thinking can be difficult, but this is one of the strategies that’s not really up for discussion when you have to get things done. Depression can be successfully treated by action and by being with other human beings.

The solution to the isolation caused by depression is being with people. This is one of the most difficult strategies you’ll need to use to get better, but it will help you get out of the depression-seclusion cell and become a productive part of the world again.

Are any of these signs of “hermit” behavior familiar to you?

• You can’t find the words to talk with other people.
• You cancel events that once gave you pleasure.
• Your work suffers because you can’t work with others.
• You don’t leave your house.
• You really do think it’s better to just be alone and deal with depression yourself.
• You’re very, very lonely, yet you find it difficult to be with people.

If you want to be by yourself when you’re depressed, ask yourself why. If the answer is that being alone recharges you so you can go back into the world, the time alone is effective. If otherwise, ask yourself what will make you feel better, being alone or getting out and taking part in life?

Maxim’s Story

I stayed in my room for a week once. I don’t want to go back to that kind of behavior. I didn’t answer the phone, and when I did talk to people, I told them I just needed to be alone to think. It was the lowest time of my life. I didn’t eat much and drank a lot of beer. I honestly didn’t know what was wrong. It’s like I was in a daze and couldn’t get out of it.

One day, I woke up and the real me said, “Enough! Get out of this house!” I’m not sure where the voice came from, but it worked. What a waste of my life. I saw a doctor after that and started a medication. I also got a roommate, which helped a lot. I doubt I would stay in my house for a week if someone knew what was going on. I’m lucky that I kept my job because I lied by saying I had the flu. Now I’m honest, and if I have a rough day, my roommate gets me out of the house.

My Story

Why does depression make me feel so unbelievably lonely? I think about this a lot. Working alone makes this even worse. I long for an office setting where I can talk to people in the hall and go into people’s offices and just say “hi.” I know many people would love to be home and not have to go to an office, but being alone is hard for me when my brain is sick. I’ve cried many nights over this feeling. I start to plan how I can work with people, be with people, and stop being alone so much, and this helps me move out of the loneliness.

What I do now:

• I know that living alone doesn’t work for me at all. It makes me a lot more depressed. I always live with someone now.
• I remind myself that being alone is not an indication that I’m alone in life. There’s a big difference. Being alone is a natural part of life, and I have to learn to deal with it.
• Writing is lonely work. That’s just a fact. I do what I can to get the work done so I can go see people. And I have to be realistic and remember that I’m really only alone when I write.
• I pack my days full with things to do. As an extrovert, I thrive on this. When I’m depressed, it’s essential. This means the hours of alone time when I write have a time limit.

Social Media and Technology

Online communities can be a wonderful support system if you have a tendency to isolate when depressed. Perhaps you’re an introvert who doesn’t feel the need to be around a big crowd in order to feel better. There’s nothing wrong if you find it helpful to have an online community that’s there for you when you want to get things done or to simply feel better. It’s all about balance. If this is the case, find an online community that’s based on the positive things in your life, such as your favorite hobby, a craft, a language, travel, or anything that makes you feel better. Cultivate this community when you’re stable so that it will be there for you when you’re depressed and starting to isolate.

What’s your favorite thing in the world to do right now? That’s probably what you stop doing when you isolate. Isolation is a terrible symptom of depression. Plan ahead and set up an online group so it’s there for you when you need it most. The next step is to combine this with meeting people in person. The combination of an online community, as well as eventual human contact, is a powerful strategy to end depression isolation.

Script

It’s so hard to be a partner or a close friend of someone who is depressed. Would you believe that this illness tells me that I love no one and no one loves me! Even when someone who loves me is sitting right next to me holding my hand! Depression is a vicious little monster! It’s an illness that tells me my loving partner doesn’t want to touch me while he’s touching me. It’s ridiculous. If you see me start to isolate, know this is a sign of depression and please… as hard as it is…please don’t take this personally. I’m not saying that what I’m doing is okay. I’m saying that you can learn to see the signs that I’m going into isolation mode and have a plan in place to work with me and my depression instead of our relationship. If our relationship is okay when I’m not depressed, then our relationship is okay when I am depressed. It’s my depressed brain telling me that it’s not. I’m teaching myself to ignore depression. I’m teaching myself to ignore the lies it tells me about my relationships. I am working on staying the same when I’m depressed around you so that I don’t abandon you or isolate from you when I’m sick. Please know that I’m working on this, and one day, I will be better. I do need your help.

Exercise

Set up an isolation action plan before you get too depressed to see other people. Look over the following section and start to create your own plan for the days when you just want to be alone, but you know it would be much better for your depression to get out and be with people.

• Make myself presentable every single day.
• Always go to work.
• Plan something I can’t get out of.
• Ask the people in my life to make me get out.
• Think of how I will feel after I do something.
• Just do the first step.
• Remember what I loved in the past and do it now.

Yes, ending isolation is one of the most difficult strategies in this book, but it’s also one of the most important. Look at the preceding list and then write five things you can do to end isolation in order of their ease—and then do the first one right now!

1. 
2. 
3. 
4. 
5. 

ASK DR. PRESTON

Question

Why is depression so isolating?

Answer

When you’re depressed, it’s natural if you want to pull away from others. Early on, you learn that when dealing with depression, many friends or family members don’t want to hear you complain or express your negative feelings in other ways. Often, you conclude that no one wants to be around you, and thus, you seclude yourself. This conclusion can be based, in part, on the actual fact that people don’t want to be around you when you’re depressed, but it can also be a result of the feelings of low self-worth that depression can create.

Others who are depressed conclude that they won’t have much to say. Like a preemptive strike, rather than risk being rejected, you choose isolation. And the combination of low energy, low motivation, and the overly negative prediction that being with others will be unpleasant also contributes to this is classic depressive thinking.

Isolation—although it might be very understandable during a depressive episode—is one of the worst things a depressed person can do. It’s a symptom that fuels the fires of depression. Studies have shown convincingly that treatments for depression that solely focus on keeping people engaged with others can reduce depression significantly.

Just Do One Thing

Make it a goal right now that you will get out and be with people. You might just sit there and watch others. You might not participate. You might watch people throw a Frisbee, work on a project, go to the movies, or do volunteer work. That’s okay. Let others give you energy. Let others help you feel better! It often only takes one time to help you start to feel more connected. When you realize that being with others is better than being cut off, you’ll have more energy and productivity.

Here are some other thoughts to consider:

• Decide that isolation is not an option, no matter how you feel. Make it a goal to get outside your house and at least walk near other people for an hour every day.
• Remind yourself constantly that you’re a person worthy of human contact.
• If you love animals, find a way to be around animals, and then transfer that energy to people.
• Go to work and/or school with no room for negotiation with your brain.

Remember: Depression is isolating. Reach out. You’ll always feel better. Always.