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35

Expect to Cry

Crying is a very normal part of depression. If you didn’t know this, you might ask yourself, Why am I so weak? “What is wrong with me? I never cry like this!” It’s true that you might have never cried like you do when you’re depressed.

Crying can be embarrassing if you’re in a public place, such as work or school or when you are hanging out with friends. You might also cry when you think of all you have to do around the house because you feel so overwhelmed and frustrated that there’s no one to help you. Depression can create a cascade of tears that can be difficult to stop.

You Can Keep Going

Both men and women cry more when they’re depressed. Depending on how you were raised and what society you’re from, crying can be seen as something cathartic or something embarrassing. Crying can be silent and it can be large and noisy sobs. The amount you cry usually depends on the severity of your depression.

Even though crying feels like it will keep you from your projects, you can keep going until the crying stops. And it often does. You can paint, fix a car, get on a plane, and take care of children even when you’re depressed and crying. (It might help to explain to the people around you why you’re crying so they know it’s from depression and not necessarily from a catastrophe or serious problem.) Crying is often a physical symptom of depression and often, just like an allergy, you can work through it.

Think about your crying. Do any of the following signs that crying is caused by depression apply to you?

• You cry over situations that normally don’t make you cry.
• You cry even though there’s nothing wrong.
• You cry much more than usual over the injustices of the world.
• It’s very hard to stop crying.
• Your crying makes it hard for you to breathe.

It may help to change your views on crying and see it as a sign you need help instead of something you need to hide from others.

Patrick’s Story

Unless you’re a man, you probably don’t realize how embarrassing it is for men to cry. I once read a book on the differences between how men and women are raised. If a little girl falls down, she’s often hugged and coddled. When I fell down, I was told to be a little man!

This now carries over to my work. I have actually felt myself start to cry when someone says anything negative about my work. It’s very, very embarrassing. I’ve never let anyone see it, though. I once went home and had to shut my bedroom door because I was crying so hard.

I still feel that crying is stupid, weak, and ridiculous, but it’s my life. I know there are some times I just don’t function at work the way I want to. People might say something and I can feel the tears start. Be a man doesn’t always work, but I still tell myself that. When I’m at work and want to hide in my office, I repeat it over and over to myself, and the crying stops.

My Story

When I’m depressed, I have what I call a waterfall of tears. It’s as though the floodgates in my eyes open and a lot more tears pour out than usual. This used to happen when I had to work with a difficult colleague. I also remember crying in college when the professor would say something about my performance in class. I once talked when another person was talking, and the professor sort of chastised me. I had to put on my sunglasses, I was crying so much. I wanted to run out of the room. This is one of the reasons school was difficult when I was depressed.

When I’m not depressed, I work and attend class like a normal person. In fact, I don’t cry at all. Depression is so crazy and hard to understand. How is it possible that the same situation is so much harder to take when I’m depressed than when I’m well? Why do I cry so much? It’s embarrassing sometimes, but I can’t really stop it.

What I do now:

• I know that the “floodgate” crying is a sign I’m depressed, and it’s naturally a lot harder to get things done.
• If I cry in frustration when I have a hard task, I tell myself to just keep going until it’s done.
• I know that crying when I have a writing job is not a good sign, and I need to really think about whether the project is right for me.
• I have what I call the “sympathy sob.” This happens when I see something sad and suddenly, I just feel a sob rise out of my chest. I know this is a sign that I’m depressed and I need to see what’s going on in my life that’s causing me stress.

Social Media and Technology

Depression involves chemical changes in the body that can lead to more tears. If this is embarrassing, you might avoid people because they might see you cry. The online community is a supportive place for telling the truth to a trusted therapist, a friend, or even someone in a group. Let them know that the depression is so bad you’re crying. They will know what to do. Crying is absolutely normal when you’re depressed, but it can be scary and overwhelming. This has nothing to do with one’s gender or identity. All people cry more easily during depressive episodes. You might even sob. And if you were raised in an environment where this is not accepted, it can be incredibly shocking. This is why the anonymity of being online and getting help for depression is wonderful and even lifesaving. Seek out another person who has a similar background to yours regarding crying. Tell people the truth. “I’m crying so hard I can hardly read this, but I need your help.” Crying is a sign that the brain is not working properly. Talking to someone about this, even anonymously, helps ease the pain of depression so that you can move forward in life.

Script

Crying is a common symptom of depression. As you read in this chapter, crying releases hormones that can be soothing. Crying is also a sign that my brain chemicals are not on track. Please don’t assume that crying means anything personal. It usually just means I’m depressed. If I cry when talking about work, ignore the work stuff and focus on the fact that I’m depressed and crying. If I cry when telling you I don’t think I love you anymore, and I’m not normally a crier, please know that that’s depression talking and depression causing the crying. Let me cry. Tell me it is okay to cry and it’s normal for me to cry when I’m depressed. You can say this: “We know that depression makes it easier to cry. I read about it in the book, and I know right now, I’m looking at someone who is depression crying and not someone crying over life itself. I don’t want to focus on what your brain is telling you. Let’s focus on managing the depression. I don’t mind if you cry. It doesn’t bother me at all.” This is so much easier than having an impossible conversation about why I’m crying!

Exercise

Think of the last time you cried when you were depressed, and ask yourself these questions:

• What was the situation?
• Was the crying unexpected?
• Did the crying feel out of place?
• Were others scared for you?

Look over the following ideas and decide what steps you can take when you feel your crying is caused by depression:

• See if a specific event led to the crying.
• Calm down and see it as a symptom of an illness, not an indication that something’s necessarily wrong.
• See your doctor.
• Look at your workload and other obligations.
• Look for crying caused by hormonal changes.

Crying is a sign that something’s going on. It might be a normal sign of depression, or it might indicate a problem that needs to be addressed immediately.

ASK DR. PRESTON

Question

Why do depressed people cry so much?

Answer

Crying likely serves several purposes. Crying is a distress signal. Babies do this, and their parents are alerted to their discomfort and feed them or rock them. Likewise, crying is a social signal that might elicit support from others. Crying has been found to bring significant emotional relief.

There are basically two types of crying. One is an aborted crying spell where you try not to cry. When you hold back tears, it’s often accompanied by a flood of inner negative thoughts, such as “What’s wrong with me? I’m crying like a baby,” and other negative self-talk that generates shame. The other version is where you give yourself permission to cry. Rather than being self-condemning, you accept that crying is a natural and understandable human reaction to loss, disappointment, or significant stress.

Crying often leads to emotional relief for people with depression. Emotional tears contain the stress hormone ACTH (adrenocorticotropic hormone). The lowering of ACTH levels has a direct effect on the stress hormone cortisol. Cortisol levels are often significantly elevated in depression and have been found to increase depressive symptoms. If you decrease ACTH levels, cortisol levels also decrease. Thus, crying is a way to reduce the levels of this hormone and lessen depressive feelings.

Crying Is Okay

Crying is not a sign of weakness, and you can still get things done when you’re crying. True, you’ll probably be embarrassed, but that is okay. You just keep going. If you’re a man, you might feel pressure not to cry; do it in private if you need to.

You can learn to manage, end, and prevent crying spells:

• Know exactly why you’re crying. If the crying isn’t attached to a concrete experience, you know you’re facing depression-based crying, and you can often go on with what you’re doing.
• Stop a crying attack by getting on all fours and breathing while saying, “This is panic-attack crying. I’m okay. This is my body’s reaction, not an indication that I’m falling apart.”
• Let others see you cry and explain that it’s depression and will end.
• If you cry for more than a day, see a mental health professional.

Remember: Notice when you cry the most. This knowledge is a tool you can use to determine if a project is too much for you or if your depression is getting too serious for you to manage alone.