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Set Outside Limits
Trying to meet all your obligations when you’re depressed is often impossible. There are so many ways you can feel overwhelmed, especially when it comes to getting things done on time. You might quit and then feel disgusted with yourself for both quitting and for not being able to control the situation in the first place.
The depressed brain is a confused brain. Asking yourself to set time limits on your work is a very good idea, but it’s not always possible. It might be that you can’t even focus on the work itself, much less get something done in the time it needs to be completed.
Look Outside for Help
There’s a good chance you have people and organizations in your life that can help you limit or increase the time you spend on a project. Maybe your work gives you deadlines, or your children have to be certain places at certain times. Although this might feel like too much pressure, in reality, these outside limits can greatly help your productivity by taking away the worry that you won’t get something done the way it needs to get done.
Is there someone or something in your life that can work as your taskmaster? Maybe it’s an organization or a person. It may be limited hours at a place you want to work, such as a room in a library that’s available for only two hours. It may be working with a friend who will hold you to your schedule. It may be asking someone at work to keep you focused so you can finish a project on time. However you find the limits, the more you can set up, the more you can get done when you’re depressed.
The following are signs you need outside limits; do you recognize any in yourself?
- Setting deadlines for yourself doesn’t work.
- You feel guilty that you’re always late with projects.
- You work better with a team.
- You respond well to others telling you what to do.
Depression can make you think others will say no if you ask for help with setting limits in your life. In reality, many people will gladly help. You just have to ask.
Ariel’s Story
I know that when I’m depressed, I won’t get to work on time if I rely only on an alarm. I have enough trouble staying out of bed in the afternoon; getting out of bed in the morning to go to work is often impossible. I used to be late a lot. That’s not exactly a good practice when I have enough trouble just getting through the workday when I’m depressed.
I’ve solved this problem in three ways. I started to carpool with people who expect a lot from me. I ask both of them to call me when they get up. I have a loud alarm set with no snooze and it’s not next to my bed. And I talked with my boss and told her I need to be held accountable when I have a deadline. She’s fine with that. I don’t want to let down any of these people. This is not pressure for me; instead, it’s support.
My Story
Thank heavens for publishing deadlines. I know my work would drag on forever if I didn’t have a whole group of people expecting my manuscript at a certain time. It’s the only way I can write books and get them on the market. My deadlines can be intense, but still, they help organize my brain because I know that no matter what—whether I’m depressed or well—people are depending on me. If I feel too depressed to work, I know that if I don’t have a deadline, I’ll end up talking with a friend, going to lunch, feeling sorry for myself, and doing everything except my work. That, in turn, makes me a lot more depressed. I feel better if I know I have to turn in a project at a very specific time.
What I do now:
- I focus on the date I’m given and force myself to take the deadline very seriously. I remind myself that getting out of it is not an option.
- If I truly am too sick to work, I look at my days carefully and know how long I can put something off. If that’s not possible, I talk to my editor and ask for an extension. Then I stick to that deadline. I had to do this for the second edition of this book.
- I get help from a variety of people and organizations by letting them know my problem and how they can help. I say, “Get on my case! Call me and let me know when you expect something to get back to you.”
- I know that I do my most creative and calm work if someone or something else limits my work time.
Social Media and Technology
You are the boss of your social media use. On the days where you simply can’t stop yourself scrolling and feeling miserable, delete the apps on your phone so that you can’t use them. It might sound intense to do this, but it works. Apps can come and go on your devices. Limiting access to technology if it is making you sick helps move you forward when depression creates obsession. Fear of missing out is yet another sign that screens are controlling your actions. You will not miss out by setting a limit to social media use. You will gain control of your brain, which is not thinking clearly. Practice removing apps until it becomes a more comfortable process. Using the built-in screen time limits on some devices is an option.
When the depression is intense, time limits really work. Time limits for tech use are a struggle for most people, not just those who have depression. What works one day might not work on another. Have a variety of strategies. Be dynamic and never give up figuring out how to limit screen time if that is what you need to find stability. You can learn to set time limits on screen time in order to take action and get things done that are essential.
Script
I’m going to give you permission to do something that will be very difficult at first. I’m giving you permission to set limits for yourself as to how much you have to listen to me when I’m depressed. I give you permission to remind me that depression causes me to repeat myself. I give you permission to remind me that my negativity affects you, and there is only so much you can take. I give you permission to say, “You are usually a thoughtful and kind person, but right now depression is talking for you, and it’s not fun for me. I am here to help you with the depression. I am not here to be a punching bag.” I’m letting you know right now that I understand how hard it is to be around me when the depression has no limits. I need you to help me stop an obsessive conversation. I ask for your help in switching the topic of a depression conversation into one that is less narcissistic and scathing. I need you to remind me that I am usually a thoughtful person who is interested in other people. Say this to me: “Please ask me a question about myself. I want to talk about what is going on in my life as well.” This can help pop me out of the jaws of depression. I promise you I will do everything in my power to remember that you are saying these things because I asked you to. This is a process, and I need your help.
Exercise
Find your personal taskmaster. Working with someone who is very precise about time is a good way to get yourself on track when you’re depressed. Think about the people in your life. Who likes calendars, deadlines, and devices that tell them where they are every minute of the day? That person might be a very good taskmaster for you!
List the tasks you need to get done and show this person the list:
Get out a calendar and go over it with your taskmaster. Ask him or her to call you and check in on certain dates. Set a time once a week to meet and go over your progress. This works especially well when you work with a therapist or group.
ASK DR. PRESTON
Question
Why does depression often respond to outside limitations and obligations?
Answer
Limits are tremendously important and effective. You can have all kinds of good intentions when you want to do something, yet moments before going out to eat, working out, or going shopping, the immediate sensation often is one of fatigue, despair, and a lack of motivation. Even something as simple as getting off the couch is very hard to do in such moments. Once you get moving, though, it feels easier. The obligation to meet a friend, for example, puts extra pressure on the task and makes it a powerful incentive for you to get moving.
Get Others to Help Your Work
Being open to outside limits helps you get work done. Period. Your goal is to put yourself in a situation where someone or something forces you to work even when you feel depressed. Having an outside deadline helps you focus on what you can do instead of what you can’t do. When you feel unable to clean your house, have someone come over who kicks your behind and makes you focus on your work so you can have coffee together when your house is clean. Ask people at work to kindly remind you that a deadline is coming up. Put yourself in a place where an organization is depending on you. Do what you can to leave the timeline to others so you can finally have some relief from the pressure of having to do things by yourself all the time.
Here are some other thoughts to consider:
- If you’re on a committee or have to work in a group, let others set your work timelines, and tell them you want extra help to get them done. You can then focus on the work itself.
- Ask a friend to drop you off at work and pick you up at a specific time.
- Join a club where people write, workout, sing, fix things, learn a craft, golf, sail, and generally do things in groups so they can decide when you come and go.
- Set outside limits that are reasonable for you so you don’t quit and go back to your old ways.
Remember: When depression doesn’t allow you to be your own taskmaster, find someone or something that can.