g Contents
At one time or another, everyone with depression has dreams of what they could do if only they weren’t depressed. Facing the reality of what you can do might feel devastating if you’ve had a dream—possibly since childhood—of how you want to work or where you want to be by a certain point in your life. For many people, it’s the 30-year mark. You think, “I should have reached my goals by 30! Other people are a lot farther than I am by now!” This might be true, but it’s probably also true that they don’t deal with depression.
There’s nothing wrong with grand dreams and goals; they are an essential part of life. But when you’re depressed, you might have to evaluate your dreams and goals and change them if they’re not realistic for you now. Compare what you think you should and could do if you didn’t have depression with what you can realistically do when you’re depressed. This assessment naturally depends on the depth and length of your depression, but it’s necessary.
When you have a project due at work or an event to plan, there’s no point in constantly trying to do it in a way you’ve never been able to do in the past. Accepting that you have limits, and learning to work within those limits, improves your quality of work, as well as your mood.
Are any of the following signs that it’s time for acceptance applicable to you?
It’s easy to think of what can’t be done. There’s no action in that, and the thinking can go on forever! Acting with an awareness of what you can do gets things done.
John’s Story
When I talk about my limitations to friends, they say, “Oh, John. You don’t know what it might be like in the future!” I want to say, “Well, I’m 56 years old. Unless there’s some amazing breakthrough I’ve not heard about, I think I’m pretty realistic about what I can and can’t do.” They then say, “But John! Don’t give up hope! You just don’t know how it will be 10 years from now!”
I wish they could change places with me to see just one week of depression. I know what they say is said out of kindness. It’s hard to be with someone who has a chronic illness, and they worry about me, especially when I have to go to the hospital. My friends want me to get better. I want to get better, too. But the reality is that management is all I can do. I manage depression. I no longer believe it’s magically going to end one day. I’ve looked at what I can and can’t do. I see reality. I don’t like it, but I have mostly accepted it. This doesn’t mean I don’t keep trying 100 percent to get better. I just don’t hold my breath that a miracle is coming.
The miracle is that since accepting things, my life is so much better. I don’t try to do what I can’t, and I focus on doing a really great job at what I can do. I feel a lot more comfortable in my life now.
My Story
A psychologist friend of mine once said to me, “You’re extremely attached to defending your inability.” At first I thought, “Wow, that’s a tough thing to say to someone who’s depressed and has been depressed for most of her life!” I wanted to say, “You don’t understand what I go through and what depression has taken from my life!” But within a few minutes, I saw that I was doing exactly what he said I was doing.
I’ve spent the past 20 years defining myself by what I can’t do. If only I didn’t have depression, I’d be running a huge company by now. I’d be able to sing professionally on Broadway! I could handle full-time work. I could be a star! I could write a book every three months! Maybe this would be the case if I didn’t have depression. But that’s never happened, has it? No. My friend is right. I never focus on what I can do. It’s never enough. I rarely say to myself, “Wow, Julie, look how much you get done despite the depression! Look, Julie, you wrote books, didn’t you? Yes, you started at age 39 and you missed all of those productive years, but look where you are now compared to just 10 years ago.” Even as I write this, I think of what could have been or could be if only this illness would go away forever. It’s true. I’m very, very attached to defending what I can’t do instead of accepting what I can do. I have severe limitations because of depression. I have a disability. Those are the facts. How long am I going to fight this and talk of what life could be like? If only, if only, if only …. That’s no way to live life, and I want to stop it.
What I do now (or at least try hard to do now!):
Social Media and Technology
Have you noticed that you often compare your output in work and life in general to those who don’t deal with depression? It’s human nature to compare our depressed lives to the seemingly perfect lives of strangers or school friends while we’re online. You think, “Why can’t I be holding hands with my gorgeous partner while standing under a rainbow waterfall in Bali?” If you live with depression that’s serious enough to make it difficult for you to get things done on a regular basis, your life is going to be limited by that depression. Focusing on what you can accomplish and not comparing yourself to people you don’t know or even those you do know is key. It’s also important to note that when you hear the true story of a person’s life, it is often quite different than the images that presented a life without limitations.
Your magnificent accomplishment, such as actually getting out of bed, must be measured differently than the videos of the perfect vegan chef who has a lot of sponsors. That’s just how it is. What if you set a standard for yourself that takes depression into account every time you go online? Don’t get stuck on what others can do that you can’t. Know that you will be limited when compared to those who don’t have your kind of depression. Your accomplishments, no matter how different when compared to these mythical perfect people, really are amazing.
Script
Now that I’m working on depression, I can see how limited I’ve been in the past. I’ve said “no” to so many things. I’ve been agitated, pissed off, and angry when I’m in crowds. I’ve ruined picnics, or attended events that where fun, but depression would not let me feel any joy. I remember times being by the lake where it was so beautiful and everyone was having fun and all I could think about was walking into the lake because I was so miserable. Please know that I am limited in my emotional response to the world when I’m depressed. My eyes actually see things differently. I don’t see colors in the same way. I don’t experience emotions in the same way. I’m working so hard to manage depression and overcome these limitations. They’re very physical. Please remind me that when I’m depressed, I am limited in my ability to enjoy life naturally, so I have to teach myself to enjoy life in the moment. I have to work at it. You can remind me to open my eyes, expand my body, and open myself to the world instead of curling into a ball, which is what depression wants me to do. This is going to take time, but I’m committed to this. I appreciate your help.
Exercise
This is a hard exercise to do; the length of your depression will affect your answers. When you look over your life, what have you had trouble doing because of depression? If your depression is recent, what changes have you seen since you’ve been depressed?
Work
Taking care of yourself
Family
Travel
Dreams/goals
Artistic pursuits
Now, each time the I wish, I should, or if only comes up, answer with this:
I may not be able to do ____________, but I can do ____________!
Accepting limitations, especially those that significantly influenced your past, hurts, but remember, you’re reading this book, which means you can change and get better every day.
ASK DR. PRESTON
Question
Do you think it’s giving up if a person accepts that they have limitations from depression, and that this person will have to change their life accordingly?
Answer
I wouldn’t frame it as “giving up.” Instead it’s more like acceptance. However, many depressive-fueled conclusions are distorted and unrealistic. It’s important to know that depression can make you feel that you have serious limitations, even though that’s false most of the time. Only access your limitations when you’re more stable. When you’re at that point, you have to recognize that because of experiences you can’t control, your nervous system isn’t good at regulating your moods, and being self-critical about this never helps. Knowing these brain-caused limitations helps you make decisions that can lead to successfully getting things done versus continually trying tasks that only frustrate and make you further depressed.
What do you say to yourself about your limitations? Can you accept them and then focus on what you can do? It might be that your depression is new and will end in a short period of time. The good news is that your limitations will probably end soon, too. Or you might have chronic depression and your limitations have been present for all your adult life. Whatever the case, assess where you are now, face it, and move on.
Here are some other thoughts to consider:
Remember: Depression might limit your ability to get things done the way you want to. Once you know what your limitations are, you can accept them and focus on what you can do.