You might have two brains inside you, but you will feel dumber than ever.
Baby brain is how Mother Nature lures us back for more children because when you have tofu for a brain, you tend to forget all the atrocities of pregnancy and gladly come back for a second round. And so the human race lives on to fight another day.
To be fair, baby brain is quite lovely. It’s like nature’s valium. Who are the happiest people in the world? Yep, dumb people, bless them. Because they don’t know enough about anything to be angry about it. Embrace this new-found idiocy and enjoy it while it lasts, you vague little pelican.
You’ll drift through your days, having a little giggle at all the silly shenanigans happening around you. You’ll crack an egg into your toaster; you’ll try and start your car with your phone; you’ll tell your obstetrician your name is Rhonda when it’s actually Bethany; you’ll brush your teeth with moisturiser.
The fun part is that nobody can be mad at you or the trail of destruction you’ve left in your wake because YOU GREW A LIVER TODAY, OKAY? That’s hard work.
We need to be kind to pregnant people. A pregnant person is not like a normal person. She’s like a normal person PLUS a pregnant person. So she needs to think about, and deal with, all the normal people stuff she does every day, AND she needs to think about all the ‘growing a human’ stuff as well. It’s an awful lot for the brain to take on. It’s inevitable that some things are going to fall out the sides. And when you’re trying to figure out if that weird pain in your groin is normal or not, it’s really too much to be able to concentrate on Barry’s presentation at work as well. Sort yourself out, Barry.
There will also be so many questions swimming around in there. SO MANY QUESTIONS. Can I eat that raw avocado? What is a cooked avocado? Can I eat a cooked prawn? Should I still be using deodorant? Is that how Stuart really smells or is that my pregnancy nose? Should I feel like I need to burp all the time? Why is Gavin looking at me like that? Is it because my boobs are almost touching my chin? Will my boobs stay like that? Why is my husband so irritating? Has he always been this irritating or am I just noticing it now?
A word of warning: baby brain might linger for a long time after the baby arrives.
Bonus tip: baby brain is the BEST excuse to be lazy and forgetful. Forgot to call your mum back? Whoops! Silly me, being so forgetful these days. Didn’t get that thing at the shops your bloke wanted you to get? Yikes, I totally spaced out—this baby brain is intense!
In fact, pregnancy is a brilliant excuse for all sorts of things. I can’t think of anything you can’t blame on your pregnancy:
• No, sorry, I can’t pick up that thing because I’m pregnant.
• Oh goodness, no, I couldn’t possibly stand up right now—can’t you see I’m pregnant?
• Oh, your uncle’s retirement party? It’s right in the middle of my scheduled nap, which the doctor says I must stick to because the baby needs it.
• Oh, you wanted that last piece of cake? So sorry, I’m going to have to step in here, because I’m pregnant. The baby needs it.
• Clean out the kitty litter? Couldn’t possibly! It’ll hurt the baby!
• Whoops, did I just call that man a horse-whipping suck boy? Goodness me, these pregnancy hormones have got me all aflutter!
People will forgive you for almost everything, so it’s your responsibility to use and abuse your power for as long as you’ve got it. Enjoy.