Of course, announcing your pregnancy means you’ll be inundated with the views of every woman, man, dog and cockatoo in earshot. They NEED you to know what they think about your decision to procreate. Somewhere, deep inside our psyche, we still believe we’re part of the ‘village’ that raises everyone else’s children, and let me tell you: the village idiot takes this more seriously than anyone. Be prepared.
There’s an unholy trinity of opinionated people who will shower you with their ‘wisdom’:
Men
People Without Kids
Old People
Men who ask questions like ‘are you going to give birth naturally?’ need to have a basketball inflated in their rectum. Seeing as they’d like to know and understand all the gory details.
Remember, just because some men feel like your pregnancy gives them the green light to start asking intimate and inappropriate questions about your body and your plans for parenthood, it does not mean you need to answer them. You can, however, invite them to go and make love to a cactus. But say it nicely. Men like this are often surprisingly sensitive to the opinions of others #irony.
Then there are the People Without Kids who love an opportunity to dish out advice to expectant parents because they have a nephew or they used to babysit so they know exactly what it’s going to be like for you. But knowing how to change a nappy is not quite the same as the mental, emotional and physical challenges of being a new parent. Smile, nod and suggest they start up an Instagram account with all of their parenting advice.
Let’s not forget the Old People—bless their hearts—who think they know all there is to know about having a baby because they had eight kids. Back in the 1960s. When housewives popped a valium before school pick-up every day.
These are the sweet old dears who’ll tell you newborns should be having orange juice in their bottles and if you want them to go to sleep you should just dip their dummies in some brandy and it’ll knock them out cold. They’ll tell you to not pick up a crying baby because you’ll spoil them, but a snappy slap to the thigh will sort those tears right out.
It’s not their fault; that’s just how things were done back then. But we’ve all learnt a few things in the last 50 years.
For now, talking to your doctor and sharing stories with fellow pregnant women is your safe place. All the information and opinions can start to be really overwhelming, so sometimes you’ll want to crawl into a cave with some noise-cancelling headphones and just hum it out for a while. It’s not a bad idea, to be honest.