Every year they add some more things to the list of Stuff Pregnant Women Can’t Eat. Eventually it’s going to become a list of Stuff Pregnant Women Can Eat and the list will be:
• filtered water
• spinach (important for folic acid but make sure it’s washed and rinsed at least seven times, and definitely never eat prepackaged spinach or anything from a salad bar).
And that’s it.
Pretty much everything else poses some sort of risk to the baby because we live in a cesspool of filth and disease. It’s remarkable that any of us survive, what with this willy-nilly consumption of gooey eggs and soft cheeses.
Let’s not even start on all the dangers of sugar and carbs. If they’re not going to kill you and your baby, they’re definitely going to change the epigenetics of your foetus, so while you’re sitting there eating your way through a box of meringues, you are laying the foundation stones for a life of crime and despair for your unborn child.
Suddenly, every event you go to will feature a raw seafood and champagne bar. All your friends will start ordering poached eggs. Work will lay out a deli meat platter for your baby shower. It will seem like everyone you know will forget you can’t eat soft cheese and they will offer it to you every four minutes until the baby is born and then you will never be offered brie again in your life. Are they trying to break you?
It’s like no one knows or cares that you’re pregnant and you can’t eat anything anymore.
But, if you’re feeling a little overlooked, all you have to do is pick up a cup of coffee and see how many people suddenly care what you’re putting into your body.
Of course, everyone wants to know about your cravings. Pickles and ice cream, right? Is your poor husband being sent out in the dead of night to buy spicy chicken wings? Are you one of those people out in the backyard eating soil, or spooning detergent into your mouth?
Sadly, not everyone gets cravings, which can be a damn shame if you were looking forward to munching on dirt.