You know what’s super unenjoyable? Being told to enjoy something. It’s a bit like being told to calm down. If I’m having a brain-popping rage attack and you tell me to calm down, you might as well add ‘… and then set fire to my car’ because the end result will be much the same.
So when some sweet, well-meaning older lady observes my children as they prepare to engage in the seventy-sixth Hunger Games on the floor of the fruit and veg section and titters, ‘Cherish every moment!’, it’s touch-and-go: will I muster a non-committal, doesn’t-reach-the-eyes smile, or will I just pick her up and throw her into the arena with the kids?
‘It goes so fast,’ she breathes, misty eyed, tilted head, hands to heart. It’s always the same. I know those people mean well. They’ve been there. They know how fast it all goes and how much I’ll miss it when my kids grow up. I know it too. I know I’ll sob when I think about how precious these days were. But when you’re past the stage of poo and tears and screaming, you tend to forget that some of these years are actual douchery.
These people think they’re letting mums know how lucky they are, and some women will take it as a sweet moment of connection between generations. But if a mum is struggling, she might take it in a very different way.
As if mums need one more thing to fail at, now we’re adding ‘showing gratitude’ to the list? All day long, I’m looking at my kids, thinking, am I cherishing this enough? Why can’t I be more #inthemoment? What’s wrong with me?
Mothers are under pressure to provide educational, sensory-rich, nutrient-dense, character-building experiences for our children—and we have to enjoy it all too? There’s no question we enjoy our kids; we love them. But there are moments—lots and lots of moments—where it feels like tedious, repetitive grunt work. It’s not as complicated as raising older kids, but it’s exhausting.
I’ve literally been told to ‘even enjoy their tantrums’. What psychopath enjoys tantrums? Is there something I’m missing? A child in distress is something to be enjoyed?
Some aspects of raising small children are decidedly unenjoyable: sleepless nights, sick babies, dinnertime, FAECES. Yes, in hindsight you can look back and think how beautiful it was when your child needed you, but when you’re in the moment, and your child is screeching at a pitch that would deafen dachshunds, it’s completely acceptable to wish you were sipping mai tais on Maui.
Human emotions don’t work without the ups and the downs; there’s no good without the bad. If you spent all day cherishing every moment, nothing would be special. And I’d question your sanity. Like, how fat’s your baby scrapbook FFS? Because we all know you’ve got one #makingmemories.
If you haven’t had a bastard of a day, it doesn’t feel quite as special when your toddler wraps her chubby arms around your neck and says, ‘You pitty, Mummy’. That’s the meaning of motherhood right there. That’s what makes us do it and keep doing it—the highs that come after the lows.
Thanks for the guilt trip, kindly onlooker! The underlying message is: you obviously don’t love your children enough. Every mother knows you can be consumed with love for your children and yet, well … not like them very much sometimes.
When you’re telling mums to cherish every moment, what you’re really saying is ‘Don’t complain’. Which means we’re not allowed to admit when we’re struggling or need help. It’s completely normal to feel overwhelmed, but when we’re told we should be cherishing every second, it feels like there’s something wrong with us and that’s where the spiral of self-doubt begins.
Trust me when I say I’m cherishing the moments that deserve to be cherished. The sweet cuddles, the funny things they say, the flowers picked just for Mummy. I squeeze my eyes shut and compel my brain to remember them like this. I know how fast they’re growing; it’s agony at times, knowing how much I’ll miss it all.
But I’m not going to cherish every moment and you don’t have to either. Raising kids is hard and there’s nothing weird or wrong with you if you don’t like every minute.