You know back in the day, when you thought you’d definitely be getting a full night’s sleep by now? Ha ha, good times.
A toddler looks at bedtime with a glint in the eye. It’s a challenge to be met, and tiredness is no barrier. Just moments ago he was nodding off in the bath and now that it’s officially bedtime, he’s doing high kicks and singing The Greatest Showman soundtrack, complete with laser show and elephants.
Bedtime is when toddlers move from casually insane to clinically psychopathic. Their determination to not sleep gives them the strength and kicking ability of a roid-raging kangaroo who has decided that now is the time to practise backflips, start an abstract mural on the bedroom wall and assess the cuddling qualities of every soft toy in the house. The more tired they are, the more stuff they will destroy, including your will to live.
Toddlers have an expert level ability to find reasons they can’t be asleep right now:
Too thirsty
Too cold
Too hot
Need a kiss
Need a cuddle
Need to tell you somefing … hello
Need that coin you gave me that’s now inside my piggy bank
Need a song
Need new pants
My socks are wrong
Need to see what your bed looks like because I forgot
Need to go to Nanny’s house NOW
Need to speak to Nanny about your refusal to take me there. Does she know?
Knee is sore
Hair is sore
I am a cat now
Miaow
I didn’t do a dance yet
You’re my best friend, Mummy
Am I your best friend?
What is my foot called again?
Why is it called a foot?
Are you angry, Mummy?
Why?
It can become a battle and it might make you react … poorly.
One night, as I lay down with my son and whispered sweet words to him about how safe and loved he was, he turned and whispered, ‘I want Daddy.’
I told that ungrateful son of a bitch (me) that Daddy was unavailable #untrue.
He leapt out of bed and headed for the door.
I stood up and, with the reflexes of a jungle cat and the legs of a giraffe, I kick-boxed that door shut over his head.
He tried for the door again and I told him he had two choices: he could lie down and go to sleep, or he could touch that bloody door and not go to his friend’s party the next day #seemedfairatthetime.
He turned and roared in my face like a lion that’d just been kicked in the coit.
I pushed him out the door myself and bid him good day.
The next morning, with the backbone of a jellyfish, I drove him to that party like we both knew I would.