Even after the hardest days, it’s entirely possible to grieve a child who is standing right in front of you.
It’s a bittersweet agony of motherhood that no one warns you about: the ever-present grief as you watch your child grow up—and away—from you, becoming a whole new person, over and over again.
Looking back at photos and videos causes a physical ache in your heart as you try to accept that the little one in those images is never coming back. You will remember the sound of her voice, the feel of her body in your arms, the chubby fingers and round baby face. You will remember the love you felt when you watched her sleeping face that would steal your breath away, leaving you clutching at your chest.
That’s not the child you have in front of you. You now have someone new. A child you love just as much—probably even more. But nothing can erase the love you felt for the baby in those photos.
And as you grieve for the child in the photos, you look at the child in front of you and you will grieve for her too because you know that any day now, she’ll be gone. She’ll be so changed that this child will exist only in your heart and on your camera roll.
Soon she’ll be as tall as you; she’ll be kissing you on the forehead and walking out the door and you’ll be aching for the little girl standing in front of you right now. And there’s nothing you can do to stop it.
Every day you’ll want to go back, just for a moment, just to hold that baby in your arms one last time, to remember the weight of her on your chest. You’ll try to memorise exactly how it felt to look at that little face. And sometimes the pain of it all will paralyse you.
Because even when it has been the hardest of days, you will still feel like it’s going too fast and no matter how much you want it to slow down, it’ll be over before you’re ready.
And this is the greatest hardship of motherhood.
This is the price we pay for loving them so much.