14

But you will (probably) like your baby, eventually

When all you’ve got to go on is other people’s kids, it can be terrifying to think of having one of your own.

You spend one afternoon with someone else’s toddler and you’re suddenly choking on the fear that you’ve made a grave mistake.

Let me reassure you. There’s an excellent chance you will like your own child. Even if you genuinely despise other people’s children, your own child won’t be as irritating, I promise.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, your child will be irritating. Like, seriously irritating and frustrating and exasperating. But it’ll be fine; you’ll still really like them because they’ll be yours.

It’s partly biology and partly training—as in, you train intensively in preparation for a toddler. You get an exceptionally edible newborn, and the magic of their tiny head ensnares you into a lifetime of hopeless love.

Then they become cuter and cuter until you feel like you might burst with the adoration of your own production, and then they start to become a bit … tricky. They start to move and talk and defy you and destroy everything you possess, and they become slightly less likeable, but it’s okay because the love is stronger than ever.

And then they become utter flogs and kick and spit and throw stuff and they do it all in public just to rub the humiliation of parental failure in, but it’s still okay because they’re yours and you get the good stuff as well as the bad. Mostly you’ll be fine because the foul behaviour is incremental and you’ll build up a tolerance for it. There’s a reason you don’t suddenly get lumped with a two year old.

So don’t worry if other people’s kids make your skin crawl. Kids are like farts—you never really mind your own.