My friends, in the interest of really making a mark in your last few months of child-freeness, I present to you a pregnancy bucket list filled with things you really should do before this baby comes along and changes everything. They’re things you might never get to do again, and you might miss them.
1. Take a photo of your face. Really zoom in on your eyes. There may come a day when you’d like to look back at your ‘before’ photo.
2. Go for a drive by yourself and turn the music up really loud. Listen to the filthiest gangsta rap you can find and shout out all the explicit lyrics.
3. Better yet, drive in complete silence. Roll the windows up and enjoy the sound of your own breathing. Don’t scream at anyone and enjoy not answering the same question 473 times.
4. Go to the toilet with the door closed. Look around at all four walls and appreciate the complete privacy of having a bowel movement alone. Really commit to memory what it feels like to not discuss your poo with another person.
5. Watch someone walk into the bathroom. Watch them leave the bathroom. Do not discuss anything they did in there.
6. Wake up when you have finished sleeping.
7. Walk into a room. Remember why you’re there.
8. Read something smart. NOT RHYMING POETRY. It’s imperative that it does not rhyme.
9. Make yourself a cup of tea. Make all the noise you want because no one is asleep. Drink your tea while it’s still hot.
10. Leave your house on a whim. Pick up your bag and walk out the door. Don’t spend an hour running through a mental checklist. Don’t argue with anyone about shoes. Just get up and walk out like you are the boss of your own life.
11. Wear all your dangly earrings and enjoy your earlobes staying intact.
12. Agree to give your friend a lift and don’t panic at the thought of them seeing the state of the car floor.
13. Don’t talk, even if it’s just for an afternoon. Enjoy not listening to your own voice. Enjoy not having to discuss the meaning of life every four minutes. Relish being able to carry out simple tasks without providing a running commentary on every muscle moved.
14. Shower every day.
15. Put a pair of scissors really close to the edge of the bench. Put a glass on the coffee table. Put a plate of food in front of someone and let them judge the temperature for themselves. Feel the adrenaline of risk-taking surge through your veins.
16. Buy yourself some clothes from a shop that doesn’t have trolleys out the front.
17. Place a packet of chocolate biscuits in the middle of the room and eat the whole thing right out in the open. Do not hide in your pantry and do not share. They’re all yours.
18. Have a lovely lunch with your girlfriends and appreciate how their eyes never glaze over when you’re speaking.
19. Meet your partner at the end of a long day with a big kiss and a hug. Ask him about his day and listen carefully to his response with interest and empathy. Give him your undivided attention and tell him his worries will always be your top priority.
20. Cuddle your pets. Tell them again how you’ll never love the baby as much as them.
21. If you are not yet pregnant, go and jump on a trampoline. Enjoy not wetting yourself.
22. Clean your home. Sit and watch it stay clean.
23. Arrive somewhere on time.
24. Watch a whole movie from beginning to end.
25. Swear frequently. Don’t spell anything out. Don’t use any substitutes: sugar, shoot, fudge, far out, fa la la la la, holy moly and jeepers are not to be used.
26. Eat your dinner with both hands, while it’s hot.
27. Spend the hours of 4–7 p.m. thinking about yourself. Just sit and relax. Maybe take a bath. Please remember the ease of these hours. It’s important.
28. Talk to someone without needing to repeat yourself 326 times before they acknowledge you are speaking.
29. Start a task. Complete it in the expected time frame.
30. Spend one final day thinking about YOU and how you might fill your day.
Now get ready for the greatest, most hectic adventure of your life.