You’ll hear a lot of women talk about wanting to leave hospital as soon as they can so they can get home where they’re comfortable. It’s all, ‘Can’t wait to get home!’ and ‘Just wanna get out of here!’ and ‘Comforts of home!’ etc.
Those women are missing the whole point of being in hospital. HOSPITAL IS AWESOME.
• You are fed. Okay, so the food might not be the best, but you didn’t have to make it and that’s the most important thing. And if the food is truly terrible, you just send someone out to get you takeaway. You’re allowed to eat whatever you like now, so PARTY ON, GIRLFRIEND. Make sure any visitors bring you food. Cakes, biscuits and slices are ideal for the ravenous breastfeeding mother.
• You have all the help you need. Having midwives on tap is the ultimate safety net in those first few days. If you get a few good ones, they’ll hold your hand, pat your back, lend their shoulder and give you a good talking to when you need to step up and take charge. A good midwife will make you feel like you and your baby might just survive.
Of course, they’re not all good. Some midwives have the ability to make you feel small, dumb, ill-equipped and unfit with just a sigh and a roll of their eyes. These midwives think new mothers are a stain on society and can’t quite comprehend how anyone can be this DUMB because you asked if you should bath the baby yet. Just know that these midwives are wrong. You aren’t dumb, you’re just unlucky to be lumped with a nurse who hates her job. Forget these ones and cling onto the lovely ones.
• You don’t have to get out of bed. This is the most important part. When you go home and people come to visit you, it’s customary to be sitting up, dressed and somewhat presentable. This is a pain in the stitches.
• In hospital there are visiting hours. Once you’re home, there’s no security to call, so if you have an inkling someone’s going to be a squatter, tell them to see you at the hospital. Because—listen to me—YOU DON’T WANT THEM AT YOUR PLACE.
When people come to your home, you need to get up and make pleasant conversation. Your home needs to be relatively sanitary (you know you won’t be okay with people seeing how you really live). You need to provide some sort of refreshment. And they can stay as long as they want. So hear me when I say you want them to come to the hospital.
At hospital, they have the choice of sitting on the end of the bed, standing beside the bed or fighting over the solitary plastic chair. There are people coming in and out all the time so there’s no privacy. There are strict visiting hours that must be obeyed, and if they’re not, a quick, knowing nod to a passing nurse will result in them being escorted out of your room. This means their visit will be short and sweet.
And you don’t even need to move from your perch on the bed. You can sit there like royalty while everyone else swarms around you. Don’t underestimate how lovely it will be to just sit, with zero obligation to entertain. You can be in your pyjamas with no make-up and dirty hair and this is perfectly acceptable, if not expected.
You might not be in your cosy bed, with all your creature comforts, but being in hospital is infinitely less work than going home. Milk it for all it’s worth before you’re forced out of the plane to crash-land in reality.