The ‘Baby Blues’ is a whimsical little name for what is essentially a switch in your brain that makes EVERYTHING devastating. The sight of your partner’s face, the theme music to Home and Away, the apple muffin the hospital gave you for morning tea. SO MANY TEARS.
Up to 80 per cent of women will go through a dark period that hits about three or four days after giving birth. You’ll be teary, overwhelmed, anxious, moody and fed up. Your hormones are trying to sort themselves out but some of them are way off track, wandering aimlessly in the bush, no clue how to make it back to camp. You’re kind of a mess, inside and out.
So, is it any surprise that a lot of women feel a distinct lack of wonder, love and awe in those first few days with their child? Is it any wonder that so many women lose their minds completely on the third day, as they’re driving home with this tiny mystery strapped into their car? Is it so surprising that a lot of women feel overwhelmed and numb instead of dreamy eyed and ecstatic?
Everyone deals with this monumental change of life differently. Some people will keep going like nothing has changed, some will find the challenge exhilarating, and some will barely scrape by. Some will be dragged into a deep spiral of anxiety or depression.
The ‘Baby Blues’ should only last about three days and you’ll pull through unscathed, especially if you have a supportive partner or family around you.
But sometimes the blues linger. Sometimes—no matter how supportive your partner is and how cute your baby is—you just can’t force yourself to feel like you.
It can happen immediately or it can tap you on the shoulder, months and months down the line.
It can hit you suddenly or it can grow slowly and steadily until it almost drowns you.
It can happen to the strong, the brave, the educated, the intelligent, the popular, the terminally happy, the experienced mums and the new.
It can happen because of the sudden drop in hormones after giving birth, it can happen because of the sheer physical toll of what your body has just been through. It can hit after a traumatic birth experience. It can be the sudden and overwhelming change to your life, your relationship and your freedom. It can be brought on by the devastating effects of severe sleep deprivation. It can be a combination of all these things.
You might be teary, you might not want to eat or you might want to eat everything. You might be consumed with anxiety or you might feel nothing at all. You might struggle to fall asleep even though you’re exhausted. You might want to stay at home all the time, not because you’re tired and can’t be bothered to get out of your comfy pants, but because you just don’t want to do anything or see anyone. You might have no interest in anything. You might start to feel detached from everyone and everything including your baby. You might even start to resent the baby and the impact he’s had on your life.
A new mum’s mental health can be attacked from so many angles it’s hard to define in just a few words.
So many mums will feel some of these things at one point or another. It’s easy to write it off as normal ‘new mum stuff’. All new mums are tired, they all feel exhausted and anxious. They all have moments where they feel annoyed at their baby and their partner.
But if you feel like maybe this is a bit more—like you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel—now is the time to go and chat to your doctor because YOU DON’T HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THIS.
In Australia, 1 in 10 mums and 1 in 20 dads struggle with anxiety or depression during pregnancy. This rises to 1 in 7 mums and 1 in 10 dads after birth. So many parents suffer in silence because they feel guilty they’re not coping better. They feel shame that they’re not enjoying parenthood more. They feel fear about not bonding with their baby.
Sometimes speaking up seems like a step too big to take, as if saying the words out loud will tip you over the edge. But if you’re despairing about the future and wondering if you’ll ever be happy again, it’s time to fix that.
If you had a sore throat, you’d go to the doctor. If you had an infection, you’d take antibiotics. Postnatal depression and anxiety are medical problems that can be fixed.
You can speak to a GP, or a maternal health nurse. Go and let someone know that something feels off and let them help you make it better. You’re a mum now and taking care of yourself is as important as taking care of your baby. YOU are important. Nobody survives if you’re not okay.
And you will be okay. With some time, some counselling, some self-care and maybe some medication, you will get through this. And your bond with your baby will be stronger than ever. This time of darkness won’t affect the love you and your child will have for each other.
The national organisation for perinatal anxiety and depression in Australia is PANDA. They have support resources for women and men experiencing depression and anxiety during pregnancy and after birth. Their number is 1300 726 306.
Or you can call Lifeline on 13 11 14.
You don’t have to do this alone. There are so many people who want to help you.
Hey, new mum,
How’re you going? Has anyone asked today?
I mean, your fanny probably feels like it’s been kicked by a donkey—or your guts feel like they’ve been hacked open with a rusty blade so looters could rummage inside. So take it easy on yourself, okay?
But what about emotionally? Are you coping? It’s okay if you’re not. Hell, your body has just been turned inside out and you’ve been lumped with a tiny human and waved on your merry way. (Like, who thought that was a good idea?) It just feels irresponsible. And IRREVERSIBLE. You absolutely cannot change your mind now.
But you’re in love. And you’re scared. And you’re so very, very tired it makes you want to cry. It’s no wonder you feel a bit like you’re losing your mind.
Babe, for these first few weeks you’ll be in survival mode. Your survival. Your baby’s survival. You’re still trying to decide if you’ll let your partner survive because he’s pretty useful with the baby but, screw me sideways, when it’s 2 a.m. and he’s snoring like a bachelor on an island cruise, you want to put a pillow over his peaceful frigging face and be done with it.
So yeah, emotions are running high right now. It can all feel like way too much.
Darling, it gets better.
I’ll be honest: the first six to twelve weeks are rough. You’ll be tired like you never knew what tired was before. You’ll be scared and anxious and angry and overjoyed. You’ll feel like you’ve dropped out of society completely.
So I’m asking: how are you? YOU.
If you’re worried you’re not really supposed to feel like this, tell someone. It’s not permanent. It’ll pass: as long as you talk to someone.
It gets better. I promise.