Fresh, new babies are delicious. Those tiny curled-up koalas spend the first week or two snoozing the day away, letting out precious little squeaks and pips, and acting for all the world like a low-maintenance pet. So much for all the terrible stories of havoc and chaos!
These freshies make their parents believe they got a ‘good baby’, the legendary, mythical creature spoken about by old ladies in the supermarket.
‘Is he a good baby?’ they’ll ask. Oh yes, he’s very good. He’s quite charitable, volunteers at the homeless shelter, has never touched a drop of alcohol. All round, we’re terribly proud.
These babies cause brand-new parents to say awful, rotten, embarrassing things like: ‘She’s a really calm baby, because we are really calm. She just goes with the flow because we don’t spoil or fuss over her. Babies pick up on stress, you know? And gosh, she loves her sleep! I even had to ask the midwife if I should wake her up for a feed! LOL.’
Truth is, being born is quite an ordeal. You’re swimming around in your temperature-controlled spa bath, with the white noise, and in-built rocking system. And then you’re ejected into a cold, bright alternate universe, populated by giants who grab at you and yell all day long. It’s enough to make you want to close your eyes and pretend it never happened.
Of course, some kids are less traumatised. They’re nosy little divas who come out with their eyes wide open, needing to know WHO has done this and WHY, and they’re going to face the world head-on, with an unnerving stare and combat in their eyes that says, ‘I’m HERE, dear.’
Most kids, however, will have a good long sleep, waking only to feed and poo. Actually, they’re pretty happy to poo in their sleep as well. It’s impressive to see what a child can push out without so much as a flick of the eyelid.
But then they wake up.
They send their once-cocky parents insane with their total refusal to just Go To Sleep. Mum is Googling to see if all the Nutella she’s been eating this week has come through her breastmilk and she’s writing a new shopping list because clearly she needs to quit all sugar and everything with any trace of caffeine or flavour. Meanwhile Dad’s walking laps of the house trying to get the baby to close her eyes and wondering if they need to go to the doctor because he’s pretty sure the baby is tired but when they put her down she just won’t go to sleep. WHY DOESN’T SHE SLEEP? She’s tired! SLEEP IS AMAZING, CHILD. TRY IT! Mum is screaming from the next room, ‘Make sure you put her down DROWSY BUT AWAKE or she’ll never SELF-SETTLE!’ and Dad’s trying to figure out how drowsy is drowsy but still awake.
They do a happy dance when the baby finally drops off and feel like they’ve finally figured it out until the baby opens her eyes again, fifteen minutes later. Because apparently falling asleep is easy but staying asleep is impossible. WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?
But there’s nothing wrong with the baby. She just woke up. When she’ll go back to sleep is anyone’s guess. Could be a few weeks. Could be years. Who knows?
You have just entered the shadowy realm of The Great Sleep Conspiracy.
Babies don’t sleep just because you put them down. I need you to know this because The Great Sleep Conspiracy would have you believe that newborns can be ‘trained’ to sleep ‘through the night’ after just a couple of weeks.
Most parents will, at some point, fall down the rabbit hole of sleep advice and once you’re down there, you may never come out. Everything you read will convince you that you are setting your child up for failure. The rocking is wrong. The cuddling is wrong. The feeding to sleep is wrong. Touching is wrong. Even looking your child in the eyes is wrong because it’s ‘stimulating’, which is really, really wrong. You might as well let them snort a line of coke for all that stimulation you’re throwing at them.
Meanwhile, all you want to do is hold your baby. Your body wants it, your heart wants it, but your brain is telling you, ‘No! The baby will never sleep if you set him up with bad sleep habits!’
You will lose your mother-loving mind if you keep trying to ignore your instincts. Your whole body will ache with wanting to pick up and soothe your baby when he needs it. It will feel so idiotic to wake your baby who has fallen asleep while feeding, just so you can put him down to sleep again. Why would you do that? Because someone on the internet told you to? Because some woman in your mother’s group gave you side-eye when you said you feed your baby to sleep? Because Great Aunt Barbara told you babies will be spoilt if you hold them all the time?
We need to stop driving new mums insane with all the sleep advice. We need to support mums to do whatever helps them get through the days. If everyone’s getting some sleep, celebrate that. It is not a problem unless it’s a problem for you.
Trying to force your child to sleep will make you miserable. You might eventually succeed, but at what cost? And for how long? Infants have a stinking reputation for consistency. What they do this week flies out the window next week.
So here’s the real story about baby sleep: it’s really common for babies to not sleep through the night until at least six months of age. Some won’t get near a whole night of sleep until well past their first birthday.
• This does not make them a ‘bad baby’. Bad babies are babies who hold up bottle shops and torture kittens. If your baby doesn’t do these things, you have a ‘good baby’ who sleeps like a ‘normal baby’.
• This does not make you a ‘bad mother’. You haven’t failed anything. You aren’t an idiot. You haven’t missed something obvious. There isn’t an easy trick that you just haven’t read about yet. You are normal and your baby is normal. All the people talking about sleep routines for three-week-old babies are NOT NORMAL.
• The Sleeping Baby is not a badge of honour. It’s not a symbol of success. It’s not a sign that you’re a natural. If your baby doesn’t like sleep, he doesn’t like sleep. If he does like sleep, he likes sleep. Your role in this is minimal.
Some babies sleep. Some babies don’t. Some babies will sleep for a good six-hour stretch at night but can’t go for more than fourteen minutes during the day. Some babies will do a solid three-hour kip during the day but will wail all night. (Catnapping babies are just as torturous as the night owls.)
You could work your arse off, ‘training’ your baby to sleep through the night by the age of three months, but then the four-month sleep regression comes along and you’re back to square one, because BABIES DON’T SLEEP. And if they do sleep now, they won’t sleep next month and if they aren’t sleeping now, they’ll probably start next month. They change constantly and you could pull your hair out trying to force it, or you can get through it one day at a time and trust that, eventually, they’ll figure it out.
So hold your baby if you want. Cuddle him all day long. Feed him to sleep, rock him, pat him, do whatever makes you happy because, honestly, cuddling your baby to sleep is one of the greatest joys of motherhood. What’s more precious than a sleeping baby in your arms—a baby who feels safe, loved, protected? Nothing at all. Stop feeling guilty about it. Enjoy it.