Is he hitting his milestones?
What milestones has he reached?
Where is he with his milestones?
Welcome to the milestone era.
It’s an obsession.
First smile, first laugh, first wave, first roll, first babble, sitting up, crawling, maybe even those precious first steps …
The exact age, down to the minute, that your baby reaches that milestone feels VITAL.
My son rolled from his front to his back at about three months old. The average age for this milestone is about four months so, naturally, my child is gifted. Video was taken, status updates were issued; I was skipping with excitement and pride when I went to our next appointment with the paediatrician. ‘He can roll!’ I declared, like a woman who’d just won the Nobel Peace Prize.
‘He probably just fell over,’ the doctor said.
Pardon?
He might as well have told me my child was ugly and lacking charisma. I was enraged and affronted. How dare he not acknowledge and appreciate my child’s achievement?
To this day I maintain my child DID NOT fall over. He did it twice and with purpose.
Of course, he couldn’t clap until he was about eighteen months old. This is at least a year after he should’ve been able to do it, but let’s not dwell on arbitrary milestones, okay? They mean nothing. Who needs to clap, really?
It all comes good in the end. Your baby might not be able to use her pincer grip until months after all her peers are doing it, but you know what? I’ve never once been asked to display my pincer grip in a job interview.
Personally I think we should be celebrating all sorts of milestones. Here are some parenthood milestones you might want to commemorate:
• The first time you scoop a poo out of the bath with your bare hands.
• The first time you scoop baby vomit out of your bra with your bare hands.
• The first time you cut off your baby’s outfit to avoid wiping poo all over their face.
• The first time they fall off the couch while you’re watching TV.
• The first time you wipe their nose with your bare hands.
• The first time you misplace your baby in your own home.
• The first time your baby bites your nipple and you scare them with your scream.
Some parenting milestones you might want to remember for later on:
• The first time your child repeats a swear word.
• The first time you throw out one of their toys as punishment.
• The first time you say, ‘Because I said so’.
• The first time you bribe them to do something.
• The first time you stick your finger up at them behind their back.
Don’t forget to take photots for the scrapbook!