They say there’s no manual for parenting, which is utter bull because there are thousands of manuals. Not to mention millions of pages on the internet. Any mother with a baby knows the web is heaving with encyclopaedic content on ‘how to raise children’.
Let’s just say this now, so you don’t completely lose your mind in this process: every single thing you read will be contradicted by something else. There is literally not one thing you will read about parenthood that doesn’t have an opposing opinion out there. Except maybe something like ‘Don’t give the baby Fanta in a bottle’. I haven’t seen anyone arguing against that, but then again I haven’t read the whole internet yet.
The sheer volume of information is a modern-day disaster for a lot of mums, as the sea of conflicting advice threatens to drag you to the very bottom of the pit of despair.
So you don’t waste precious hours doing all the research for yourself, I’ve put together a handy summary for you. You’re welcome:
• Ensure children have a solid sleep routine or they’ll become stunted pork chops who’ll never make it past kindergarten but definitely don’t sleep-train them or they’ll become sociopaths who’ll never be able to establish a human connection.
• Allow your children the freedom to explore and challenge themselves without hovering over them but if they get hurt, you ought to have them removed from your care, you neglectful ringpiece.
• Make sure your children get plenty of fresh air and sunshine but don’t let the sun actually touch their skin because DO YOU WANT YOUR CHILDREN TO DIE?
• Go back to work to show your kids the value of employment but don’t put your kids in day care because why would you have them just so someone else can raise them?
• Allow your children to learn through play because rote learning is harmful to their development but also make sure they know the alphabet, all their numbers, the periodic table and the full text of the UN Charter before they start school.
• Children must eat vegetables, or they’ll get scurvy and die, but you mustn’t force-feed them or make mealtimes a battleground. Also, you must not feed them anything with sugar in it but also don’t be one of those mums who forces her kids to eat carrots at birthday parties because everyone hates those kids. Lighten up, for god’s sake.
• Don’t force your children to speak to people because you should respect their autonomy and their right to consent but they also need to say, ‘Hello’ and ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ to everyone they meet because manners are essential, you complete failure.
• Cherish every moment because it all goes so fast but don’t boast about it because then you’re just rubbing it in the faces of people who can’t have kids. Support but don’t smother, be authoritative but never yell, don’t overschedule them but provide ample stimulation, give them all your time but don’t spoil them, take this job seriously but just relax, you uptight psychopath.
Got all that? Great.